Codtel,

that people with a good memory have it rough, trying to forget. WOW heard THAT!

The other problem for people with a good memory is that as you rethink the details you remember, but thought were unimportant, you realize that the affairs were larger than she is letting on. In my case I remembered taking my Wife and OM out to a restaurant for lunch something like 6 months before her confession so it had be going on for that long. However I didn't put 2 and 2 together until 20 years later.

I can't get it out of my mind that when I asked my wife did she have sex with OM, she said "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH *****", and I remembered Clinton saying "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH Monica". Supposedly if someone is telling the truth they tend to use contractions Didn't rather than DID NOT etc.

NJ

codtej,

Most WS's just don't get it. They think it's just going to go away over time.

My FWW kept changing her story, five different versions over a 7-month period. Each time that I asked her, she came up with a new version, she was angry, and she would ask me when I would quit badgering her about things (once every seven weeks is badgering?). All that did was keep me in torment the entire time. Only when she finally 'fessed up to everything did the true healing begin. The true healing wasn't just for me -- it was for her too, since there wasn't anything left to hide. She finally admitted it took her that long to come to terms with what she did.

There's no substitute for a full disclosure of facts. Until that happens, you're going to keep going 'round and 'round in circles.

Have you tried handing her a copy of Joseph's Letter, amended to fit your situation?

BS.

She has no respect for you, she runs roughshod all over you because she has no respect for you, and here you are thinking you have to keep HER from getting mad.

It is this pleasing attitude you have that has given her free reign to use it against you and keep herself from having to own up to her behavior.

STOP IT!

You are supposed to have boundaries. That means what you will and won't accept in her behavior. Right now, you need her to be contrite and honest and at least TRYING to help you.

She is s serial cheater. The ONLY way a serial cheater will EVER stop is if they are made to realize their devastation, and possibly learn to have empathy for you.

She will NEVER do this if you try to share your pain but stop every time just because she whines about herself.


Time for you to cry foul on this. This is utter BS. What exactly IS she doing for you?

Sounds like this woman may be beyond repair. She is about as venomous as I have read about on these boards.

Sadly what some of you guys are saying may be true, or at least its starting to ring true to me.

Today we talked again. I didn't tell her exactly what my trigger was that night, (what this thread was started about), I did tell her I posted it here as I had no where else to turn to.

I was trying to tell her what was being pointed out on this thread, (which is the same thing I've told her a million times before). I told her we will never heal properly as she isn't allowing me to talk about her A's without her fighting me and deflecting.

Her response was that how I am only thinking of myself, she insists that I am being selfish and not thinking of her and what she was feeling back then. She can't help me without thinking of herself first and she says that is what I am doing by thinking of the A's...thinking of myself and no her.

I tried to explain to her that while I understand her being upset it was HER that cheated and sex outside of our marriage. She takes that as an attack and really deflects and gets very angry.

I said that from everything I've read, and just what seems to be the right thing to do as well, that she is the one that cheated, so she has to be the one who maybe tries to understand what I am feeling more than just of herself. I asked her why can she not, for once, just say to herself, 'ok, I will put my needs secondary and try to help my husband'.

I feel I am always putting my needs secondary to help HER out, and I don't mind sometimes, but I feel she isn't doing much at all to help us heal from her A's, (other than just forgetting about it).

She still has not picked up a book. or listened to a cd, or read anything, about infidelity.

I have a real big headache now....jeez.

Oh my. She is acting like they all do, and there is no surprise there.

Get counseling with the Harleys ASAP.

Wifey just doesn't get it right now, but that will change.

Yea she just doesn't get it. She refuses to educate herself on the subject and thinks she can just 'wing it'.

Forgot to add, once again, she walked out of the room yesterday, angry, and saying how she can't do this anymore...!!