DT:

Glad you came back.

Stop making plans for a pleasant divorce. Stop advising your B-(w)S that your going to make the divorce easy. Many here will tell you to sign over everything and give up the kids. That makes divorce easy for her.

Why I am telling you to STOP making plans for a pleasant divorce is that you are sending mixed signals.

That is a very wayward trait. I want her, I don't want her, I want her, etc... That is what your B-(w)S sees. Be consistent. Leave her alone and have the D happen, or keep fighting for what you profess you are fighting for.

THere is a timeline to having a D happen, and do not unnecessarily delay it, but fight for your marriage in the meantime. Do Plan A things. Meet the EN's that she will let you meet.

Take her coffee in the morning.
Clean up the house.
Take RESPONSIBILTY for your children. (You are never a babysitter, you are thier FATHER, act like it.)
If she asks a question, answer it. Honestly. And completely. Again and Again. As often as she asks.
If you owe her shild support, pay it, on time, without compliant.
If you owe her financial support, pay it, on time, without complaint.

BTW: You say you don't want to speak for waywards. Well, you are one. Just like I was. It started LONG before I ever met my future OW. She just happened to be the who finally gave in. My Affair went on for 4.5 years. So I know all about the actions of a wayward. I lived and breathed that stuff. I recovered my marriage. But your just not fighting the last 20 months, your fighting the last ten years of your marriage.

Can you fix this? Sure.

BTW: I refer to your W as B-(w)S. Because she is Betrayed, (but wayward herself) Spouse. It is accepted practice here that the betrayed spouse shouldn't get into a new relationship until the ink is dry on the divorce. And waiting a couple of years as well. Some here feel that as long as the betrayed spouse feels that the marriage is OVER, the betrayed spouse can date as they feel fit. They are in the minority.

Please read some posts from tst and sexymamabear. tst was deep into a affair, and SMB decided the M was over and fell into a short term A. She regrets her A just as badly as her husband regets his. They can speak of thier story very eloquently, and they can provide you with alot of guidance by reading thier posts. If you hang around, they may even come along to help.

GloveOil has come along well. He is new, but seems to get it. Read about his transformation. It can help you in many ways as well.

If you hang around, I will help. I am about to get seriously busy, so I won't be available until late in April.

But be consistent in your message to your BS.

Sorry you are in pain about her being in LV with her new BF.

It doesn't compare.

But really do a serious review of all stages of your marraige, and realize what you were doing wrong for so many years. HNHN and SAA are instrumental in this. Please review them again and look to your failures in the past, and how you are going to address them.

Good luck to you. You are in a pretty big hole. Stop digging. And start putting in handholds...

LG

Lousygolfer:

I get that the issues that affected our marriage go back more than 20 months. And my use of porn probably made it impossible to deal with them on any mature and mutually beneficial plane. I have owned that. I am in a 12-step program and glad that I finally see my use of porn as an addiction and not just "what guys do." But most of the 10 years were pretty damn good. The real discomfort for us both goes back 3-4 years. And much of it due to my own insecurity and resentment. Great thing about 12 step, they point out how powerful resentment is to leading you in to feeling entitled to make bad behavior choices. So my daily prayer now is to ask God to free me from resentment.

Thanks for the advice, I will look up the boarders you mention.

And I do not plan on making the administrative process of divorcing easy. I plan on loving my wife without expectation of reciprocation. Making my decisions based on love and not resentment and settling in for a marathon, because it can't be a sprint.

As for "babysitting", I may have said watching. But I am a full-time parent, at least as involved as my wife. So much so that it bugs her and makes her feel like I am "turning them against her". But they are my focus right now...I really can't bear how my actions are hurting them. So i do what I can to make them feel safe, secure and loved. And I remind them that both their parents love them and that they will always be our priority.

As for the plan A. I have always taken her coffee in the Morning for the past 18 years. It's hard now that we don't live under the same roof. But I am making gestures and reminding her of my love as often as possible. But as a BS on another board reminded me, none of that is anything she has asked for. I have been cleaning the house and getting to long-standing honeydoes that I just never seemed to get to. Everyday I ask if I can help by running an errand or picking up the kids or something. She usually says no, but every now and then she accepts the offer.
and I jump at the chance.

I researched assisted self-divorce services, and when she asked me to set the appointment, I gave her the number and reminded her that today was my day with the kids and she didn't need me there to file. She planned to go today, but didn't make it. She continues to waffle on her trip to LV and told my daughter that she may actually make her performance tomorrow evening. If she does go, I will tell her that it absolutely kills me that she wants to spend New Years in the arms of another man. And then I will wish her a fun trip that gives her some relief and distraction from her pain and reassure her that I will make sure that the kids have a fun New Year's too (we're going to see Avatar). But I am trying to be done looking too far ahead and just trying to do the best I can one day at a time.

Thanks for the support. But I also like the As* chewings I get, because they keep me focused on the pain I caused and not so much on the pain I am feeling.

DT

Who said I've posted here before? I said I've been here longer than he thought.

I've recently read the TOS but it sure was nice of you to post them publicly for my benefit.

DT:

I don't have much time this morning, but I wanted to address some things in your post:



If you were the betrayed spouse, I would recommend that you delay as long as possible, because waywards generally take thier time about actually filing for divorce. The A will run its course, and the wayward will come back, and if the D never gets to final, then you still have a shot.

In your case, you setting your B-(w)S for more pain by making the process more difficult. Yes, it works to recover your marriage. But DO NOT unnecessarily delay it. Sure, you can make her do it, but do not delay it.

And then this:


Your kidding, right? For 20 months you binge with others, and it "kills you" that she is going to LV with someone else?

How about this: "I broke my vows with you in the most horrible way possible. I have learned that doing so has affected me in ways that I never understood. If you go to LV, you will one day, feel these same thoughts." "If you waited to go to LV with BF until after the D is final, you will in the long run, feel much better, as you haven't compromised your vows, like I have, Yet." "That is all I ask."

Some others may have something better. But this indicates more about what her actions may mean long term, because you understand that NOW. She is waffling already on going. She can go if she wants to. But your not presenting her going as the pain she is causing YOU, but the future pain that she will have.

And DO NOT DO THIS:

You are handing your WW over to her OM, and approving it. Make no mention of wishing her a good time. You DON'T want her to go, RIGHT? And you have a way of presenting that now that makes it possible for your to tell her how it will affect her in the future.

And IF YOU DO WANT HER TO GO, so that she may sink to the same level as you, then by all means, wish her well. Your going to be giving her mixed signals again. "Save the marriage" does not equal "Have fun in LV with BF"

So, get consistent.

LG

Very good post, LG.

Lousygolfer:

Thanks for the advice. The whole fighting for the marriage, but being loving and supportive is such a tight-rope to walk. What I want to say is, " See how easy it is to be swept up in the emotion of someone who is attracted to you and makes you feel wanted and desirable" But the situation is different, I changed the rules. In my mind, my wife is not a cheater because she waited until she said she was done. But she would still be an adulterer.

I think it's dangerous to tell her how she will feel. But how about suggesting that there is no objective advice professional or otherwise that would think becoming romantically involved with another man only a few weeks after discovery would be healthy for either her or the OM? And then reassure her that, despite how my selfish behavior suggests otherwise, I really want to see her happy?

I hate that she so quickly got involved in a rebound relationship, it plays in to my insecurities that allowed me to rationalize my cheating. I have to find a way to accept whatever she decides, without resentment, because resentment is my enemy, always has been. And honestly, whether she goes or doesn't go, in no way affects my desire to save this marriage and end up with her forever.

I am not obstructing the divorce, I am just not going to make it more convenient. My kids happiness, showing my wife love, and making sure my job is secure are my priorities. I will make it to appointments, sign documents as needed, but not going to drop everything to make it happen. As I told her (and she agreed), does it really matter if the D is finalized August, September, of October?

Thanks for the suggestions. I really have little faith in my judgment and instincts these days, and an alternate view is helpful.

DT

Can you get your wife here? We can help her and maybe help you both save your M? DUDE

I wish I could.

Honestly, my wife seems to be avoiding any input which might suggest that she consider reconcilaition. She worries that she is "weak" if she considers it. So she is only seeking out friends, family and counsel that support her desire to split.

But I will try. Given that she is so adamant about not reconciling, any thoughts about how to get her to check out the site?

I was thinking I could let her know that there are divorce support forums and dozens of other BS on here who can relate to what she is feeling and maybe some of there experiences and advice will help her in her healing?

Thanks
DT

I did exactly what she is doing right now. Get her here and let me save her from herself..DUDE