I did not know OM before I moved here. I moved to be where my family was.

I have proof that my WW was in contact with OM prior to her "vacation", so I truly believe she came up her to physical-ize her EA.

Extra notes: I found and logged into my WW's AshleyMadison.com account and found semi-nude photos she posted of herself. I've just recently come across some emails from her account at eHarmony as well. FB is her constant companion.

I really feel like I'm just tattling here. Stopping now.

Oh boy..

The consequences I was referring to, Zim, primarily centered around exposure.
exposing my XWW's affair and the other man's identity to everyone enraged my spouse. But, it set up a lot of peripheral consequences for both her and the OM.
My XWW's parents forbade the guy ever setting foot on their property. her brothers. my friends, made it clear the guy was a known low life in town and they would not associate with him.

Exposing to my kids was partiicularly helpful. My daughters despised the guy, particularly my middle daughte, who went ballistic, insisting that she be allowed to install a video camera in my wife's bedroom at her new place where the OM was staying with them. She wanted to insure there was no sex going on(she was 7 at the time. Nice of the XW to put her through this, dontcha think?).
Despite divorcing my XW, as she is an abusive NPD, the exposure destroyed the affair and accomplished getting the OM out of my kids' lives. That was important to me.
So, expose like heck. If your wife's family are decent people, this OM will never be welcomed.

As a parent, would YOU want your kids around anyone who posted semi nude photos of themselves on a PUBLIC website?

Expose to the school board. She doesn't need to be influencing children.

Well, I basically left everyone I know to be with my family after my wife decided to move. We have no family locally. We'd kinda built our lives around our two families, and I'm almost completely isolated.

We HAD our church, but when confronted by our pastor over her sin, she started her own Plan-B on our church. She said she wanted me to be the spiritual leader of the family, but I almost had to drag her to church this last Sunday, and she refused to sit with me.

I've seen her exploring other faiths, trying to find one with a positive view on divorce I think. I'm so sad for her. Self-delusion is powerful stuff.

Ya think?

Your wife moved you and your family to facilitate her affair.
Had you befreind OM so she could spend more time with him.
Has been trolling for men on an affair/adoultry site.
And is strutting around a small town with OM, with no shame.

You are being played for a fool, everyone in that town knows it, and you are not just allowing it to happen but are supporting it.

Have you started exposing yet?
Do it, right now, do not wait!!

Did you say you already closed on the house?
Did she meet OM on Ashley Madison?

I don't understand this.

If my wife called me and told me she would not be comming home from vacation and that if I wanted to be with her and my kids I better move to where she was, well........

I'd go strait to my Lawyers and find out what I could do to get custody.

I'm in complete agreement with the above statements. Thus this topic's title.

I've done everything wrong in trying to protect my family. I've just recently understood this and want to move forward in doing the right thing.

I'm going to expose - hadn't thought of expanding the list based on his family. I'm going to start there.

We have already closed on the house. I was basically too far into the process on DD to do anything about it.

I asked the loan officer and the underwriter to consider retracting the approval since chances were very good that I'd be having extra expenses not taken into consideration during the approval process : Lawyers, Apartment, separate bills, etc. That might have impacted their wallets, so no go.

I could have delayed it perhaps, but I had no legal way to get out from the contract and would have ended up paying more in the long run.

I believe my wife and the OM met on some dating site, or FB at the very least. I cannot confirm where they met, but I can confirm conversations prior to her moving.

Cancel the internet in your home - or get a keylogger and change all admin passwords. Cancel any cellies you pay for.

Do not finance her adultry.

Take your name off any credit cards you share. Get a bank account in your name only and have all funds deposited there.

She needs consequences and she needs them YESTERDAY.

Dealan-de,

I've considered all the things you've mentioned. I'm concerned that if divorce is the end result, these behaviors will have a negative impact on the judgments. Any insight on that?

I do not want to jeopardize custody of my kids - being male seems to put me at a disadvantage already.

Do you have backup copies of this woman's posts on those narsty websites? Keep printscreen copies of all of them. That should quell any questions about HER and will go a long way towards the custody issue. If push comes to shove, a home study will be done and you can show the caseworker these things. We kept copies and tapes of EVERYTHING the OW did and got of custody of the OCs my husband fathered.

It will take cajones and WORK on your part, tho.

No one can fault you for not financing her adultry with the family money. Provide enough for groceries, kid's stuff, utilities and that's it. NO one quits breathing over lack of internet or cell phones. I know I don't - and most judges don't consider them necessities. If she wants these things, she can get a REAL job (not a part-time-princess-so-I-have-time-to-get-a-little-on-the-side thing) and pay for them her own dayum self.

YES! Do ALL of this today!

Consider making copies of her Ashley-Madison page and include them in the exposure.

Frankly though, your WW's actions suggest to me that you should SERIOUSLY consider if you want to spend the rest of your life tied to someone line that.

Be sure you have archives of all her chats, all her Ashley-Madison listings, etc. printed out somewhere and stored in a safe location. Not only is it useful for you right now to know the evidence and know it's stored where she can't destroy it, but it also may be very useful in future proceedings regarding your children.

You don't want to have to use it, but it's good to have!

Wow! What an eye opener! I never places like Ashley-Madison existed.

Zim, you really need to get a handle on whether this is someone you want to spend your life with.

Sounds like she was willing to cheat with anyone. Sounds like she has been pulling you along for a long time now. It's your turn to make some decisions.

I am all for saving marriages, but right now you need more ammo, and you need to expose in order to see who this woman you're married to really is.

I was shocked when I discovered it as well. She'd had the account for at least a few years, as she'd had contact from both states.

I'm wanting to enjoy my children this Christmas, so I am holding off with the exposure until next week. I'm on a week's vacation, so can devote all my time to exposure if necessary.

Thanks for everyone's input. I was thinking I was too close to the situation to make a rational decision. I'm now quite thankful I chose to begin posting.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Zim,

Get rid of this counselor immediately! In fact, there is ZERO benefit of you both going to "marriage counseling" while she is actively affairing with an OM. NONE! Your WW is NOT doing "marital renewal/improvement counseling"...she's doing "sit on the fence-have my cake & eat it too-string my husband along pretending to be working on my marriage-while I rationalize and indulge my adultery" counseling. No matter how sincere and well intentioned your MC is, he is giving you very counterproductive and poor advice with his "ignore the affair and just try to love her anyway" schtick.

1) You are NOT going to be able to make any meaningful or significant deposits to her love bank while she is emotionally addicted to the OM. She won't let you. She has closed her heart to you and it will stay closed as long as she has it open to her adultery-partner. You have experienced this over the last 3 months. THE AFFAIR MUST END FIRST.

2) You need to be kind but FIRM with her. By "loving her anyway" you are behaving like a weak, needy, supplicating doormat she cannot respect. She will just lie to you, manipulate you, and walk all over you (as she is already doing). DO NOT TRUST HER -- she will only use and abuse your trust and continue cheating.

3) Going to MC with her at this point is not only ineffective but it is also DAMAGING (I know this goes against popular wisdom about "talking things out"). MC gives her a forum to spew one-sided fingerpointing and scapegoating at you in private while giving the public facade of "working on her marriage" (while she is still clandestinely screwing around). It allows your WW to prolong her cake-eating, to blame you for everything, to avoid her having to face her own demons, and to provide a superficial veneer of "having tried everything" to justify leaving her marriage for her affair. DON'T GO TO ANY MORE "MARRIAGE COUNSELING" WITH HER RIGHT NOW.


Zim, I know of where I speak. I made the same stupid (but tempting) mistakes. You know, the "don't make waves, don't upset her, love her and be there for her patiently no matter what" crap-ola. My WW used our MC as a weapon against me, blamed me for everything under the sun, never told a word of real truth about herself, continued her unacknowledged affair, and then quit going to the sessions after deceitfully stringing me along for months and months. It was all a SHAM and a way for her to make herself look and feel like "see? it's nothing to do with me! I tried and it didn't work out with SDCW so I'm justified in going on with POSOM!"

Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce and disappeared with her (also-married & not-so-conincidentally-divorcing) lover. DON'T PLAY INTO HER GAME HERE. EXPOSE AND BREAK UP HER AFFAIR. THE AFFAIR (no matter what legitimate complaints she has about the marriage from before) IS THE MONSTER IN THE CLOSET HERE!

The VAR I discussed earlier became an issue on Christmas eve. We'd placed it in the kitchen in a spot where we both knew where it was. It is now gone.

I asked her where it was, and she flippantly said it's somewhere upstairs with the other electronic junk. She got very upset with me when I started looking for it. I asked for her help in locating it, when I didn't have any luck, and she got angry.

When she later started pressing me as to my concern about the VAR, I asked her to try to see things from my perspective, and she refused. Only wanted to know why I was so concerned about the VAR - what have I been saying.

So I told her of my conversations with our MC concerning her continued A. She accused me of betraying her and is now refusing to continue with MC - any MC, not just with our current C, because I'll just betray her again.

Exposure to begin today.

Zim, as much as it pains me to say this, I tend to agree with TWC and suggest you think long and hard about whether you think you can live with this woman ten, twenty years down the road. The woman I married had a sketchy past, multiple marriages and a number of other that I chose to ignore.

I'm typing this now after getting my usual four hours sleep and while taking a break from moving WW's things to the garage, where she will be picking them up and moving them to her new residence. And even knowing what I know, and knowing that my life will be far better without her in it, I am still filled with sorrow and remorse. It's just the way it is, I'm afraid.

Not that I don't think you should work MB's program if you want to restore your marriage, and are willing to do the hard work and suffer the emotional battering (on top of that you already have experienced) required.