Mulan,

I never had the length of marriage that you had. My life was spent for many years without the pleasure of a partner. This became part of something that would contribute to a year long depression (The only depression I had).

Like you, I felt there was a failure. Unlike you, I could not find any area where success was worthwhile- so I resorted to prayer. I do NOT recommend thumb-suck dipping into the Bible for answers, but God met me through his word.

These were the words that would change my life:

Ecc1:2-"Meaningless, meaningless.... ...everything is meaningless"

When I finished this book, I learned that my significance was NOT in my works but in Gods. Your situation has been used by God to help other people. Bless you for you have been used well.

Walking in your shoes I might say... What do I get out of this?

Recognize your mortality. Look for friendship with God and not xH. Test God in this...Let God overrule, he knows your needs! Do not stop praying until he answers!

((((((Oh Mulan)))))))

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Not to sound insensitive to your feelings, but I feel the same way. It's been over 2 yrs. since my D and some days I still can't believe our M is really over. I was M'd over 20 yrs. ExH never once admitted his A, now he living happily ever after with the person that destroyed my life. That is a hard pill to swallow... because that should have been my life OW is now living...It is so unfair and I too am tired of people telling me it's over, he has a new life, why can't you?


I too do what I'm supposed to do, pay the bills, take take of the house, kids, pets etc. But it still seems like something's missing. I'm struggling fincancially. ExH's buying new cars. He did wrong, I didn't, he gets it all. What's wrong with that picture?

I've asked myself that a million times and I still have no answer. I guess I've come to the conclusion that the bad seem to get rewarded, and the good get screwed. I know that is severe, but right now that's how I feel...

I've started seeing a man. A wonderful person, who I know cares a lot for me. I think I'm trying everything I can to sabotage the relationship just so he doesn't have the chance to hurt me, or lie to me, or cheat on me like ExH did. That's so not fair to him, but as you said we can never be the same again, and somethimes I think I'd rather be alone than to get hurt and do this all over again...

Such a sad way to live...

Cat

I just think it is really important to realize that life can be very good without a relationship.
I recently went on a golf trip with 7 other guys. One's wife had just died. But, of the remaingin six guys, three had recently gone through or were going through bitter divorces, and one other guy told me he was bailig as soon as his kids were older, as he and his wife were fighting constantly.
Afifht guy had recently bought a Harley and was lying to his wife about it, keeping it at a friend's house.
I just think that many people that are married are miserable and I have no desire to travel that road again.

One of the things that helps me on a daily basis is this question that I ask myself:

Would I rather be where I am now - broke, no health insurance, but I have a beautiful condo that I love to go home to and it gives me peace (just hope I can keep it!!)

-OR-

Would I rather be where I was 2 1/2 years ago - In a big dark house in the middle of the woods alone night after night with a husband who was travelling and continually lying about where he was and what he was doing (and we all know what that was).

I will choose door number 1 every time.

Mulan

I know that I am not your favorite person here on MB but, I read this thread and just felt like I HAD to respond...

I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for you--I saw your pic on the MB Photo thread and you are a very beautiful woman--and very wise in your advice/responses you post here. I have read many of them and have been at the butt end of a few of them--but I know that everything you say is true and you have helped me tremendously.

I have respect for all that you have endured and overcome, respect for all that you do for your family--it seems like you shoulder the burden of the world and are doing a fantastic job and I commend you for that.

But, would you even WANT your WH back if you had that chance? I mean, really? You see what a scumbag he has been?

Have you tried to meet someone else? I think that if you could meet a nice, trustworthy person (I know, I know--where are they?) that this would help you to get over the jerk that has hurt you so much. Just think about it.

I know what you mean about the no insurance thing...my H and I haven't had insurance for about 15 months now and it's an awful feeling. Luckily, we are both pretty healthy.

Again, I do understand how you are feeling--the being alone part and all. I, too have felt this way for a very long time. Be grateful for your wonderful children--you are not alone. But, I think if you met someone new that this would help you overcome your lonliness for the POS WH that I don't really think that you would WANT back.

We are all here for you Mulan--you are a beautiful person--please remember that.

DITTO!!



Point taken.

Gg

Mom, we are still here and care about you. I HATE that you are feeling this way.

You and M are NOT on the island of misfit toys and neither are the boys. If anything, you are a survivor and are still moving forward. I'm very proud of you for that. I know it is hard. Very hard.

You have every right to be angry and sad for the rest of your life. No one can tell you when or how to get over this. I tell my sister in law, who is still greiving the death of her brother over 4 years ago, that she has every right to be devastated the rest of her life (people tell her to get over it too). No one can tell her how to grieve. I see your situation as the same -- divorce is a death.

But. And please hear me. You have to find a way, even claw your way out of this fog. I fear that you will be angry forever -- about everything. What if my marriage failed? Would you want me to stay hideiously angry forever? Sad, for what has been lost. Sure. But, angry and resentful? I dont think you would.

WE ARE HERE. M IS THERE. Stop worrying about what you don't have and see that there are four people only 5 hours away that need you. The girls dont see you enough. I dont see you enough. Sometimes I feel that you worry so much about the past that you forget what is right in front of you.You have relatives only a few hours away. They would love to see you. You dont work 7 days per week. Grab M is go. Find a way to live your life. And not just at home. I'm proud of you for doing that you are doing -- you are hanging in there, even by a thread. I know that is hard and I see you are trying.

I know this is a new life and, yea, some of it is crappy. Again, you have every right to be sad and devasted -- forever, if necessary. But, you have a lot of life to give AND LIVE.

I'm sorry to say this so publically, but it is very difficult to talk to you about this. If this is a healing place for you, I would hope to be a part of it.

Sounds like somebodies mother taught her well.......


((((Mulan))))

I have no words of wisdom, just sending my love to you....

not2fun

Mulan,

Sorry to see you're still in pain. I felt very much as you did just a year and a half into things.

I'm four years separated from a much shorter marriage than you had. I am very happy with my life and there comes a point where you truly feel indifference towards your ex. I thought I was there before, but I really truly feel it now. So much so that she came along to trick or treat with the kids and I this past Halloween and I felt absolutely nothing about it. In many ways, I was able to see how others saw me when we were married and I got to see her current bf doing all the things I did when I was married in terms of taking care of her (she has constant, non stop medical problems, many of them exaggerated in her head from the reality).

It made me see what others saw and had told me over the years. I am very happy I no longer have to deal with that and I have a new and wonderful woman in my life who is my intellectual equal, my best friend, and who I love very much.

I'm settled into the routine now and am comfortable being alone. I even welcome the quiet when I get to enjoy it.

That will come for you eventually, but only one and a half year out from a 20+ year marriage is awfully soon.

You have just barely started to heal. Give yourself a break and don't feel like you should be further along. You're still grieving a massive loss and it's ok.

CindyK, I would just like to thank you for stepping forward and showing us how true loving people can be there for us.

My own DD27 has been my rock of steadiness during this awful time in my life. The Karma Bus brought us to this point. A few years ago, I supported her as the man she was prepared to marry cheated on her. She was devastated, and today is much healthier and wiser. This gives her the unique ability to give me comfort as sometimes I feel the seat belt of the roller coaster threaten to come loose and throw me off the ride. She helped me get through the holidays and kept me from burrowing into my "loneliness cave."

So I applaud you for coming forward and showing us that there ARE people who care for us, who wish us well and want us to be happy and free. MB has been a healing place for me (as have other online sites and earthbound places), but healing starts with me: I have to want to heal and I have to let the healing happen. If I keep scratching a scab I will forever be looking for band-aids, salves, ointments and medications. I may have a permanent scar when all is said and done, but even that I can choose as something that "adds character" or "disfigures."

((((B)))),

Horsepukey.....you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known......

not2fun

Can we say she's hot? Or is that out of line.

I'll say it anyway, she is WAY hot because she's hot and she's smart.

(I'm single, I can say it.)

Where is this picture section you guys speak of?

LOL!!! Yep NC, you can say that!!!

Codtej--there is a thread titled "The MB Photo Thread" you will just have to search for it!! If I can find it, I will post it.

Mulan...I've suggested this here in the past but I will ask you. Have you ever seen the movie "Under The Tuscan Sun"? This is one of my favorite movies ever--if you've never seen it, please rent it. It's very inspiring and I think you would like it.

What I was suggesting earlier was this: Are you or have you ever thought about getting involved in some sort of social activies? Such as a church group, a singles group, trivia, volunteering, a dance class or just anything to get you involved in meeting new people? I think this would be an awesome move for you--get you involved and socializing and meeting new folks?
Watch the movie above--you will like it.

Also, another thought that I had earlier was: have you ever considered that there may be some MB people right there in your area or nearby area? Maybe you could meet them? I think you are in AZ, right?

Mulan,

Go see It's Complicated. Just opened on Christmas Day. That will lift your spirits some. It did mine.....

Mulan,

I can relate to your anger and your pain. Even though my WH and I live together, I cannot in anyway say that we are recovered. In part, because I can't "get over it" and move on, even though I know to do so is the best thing for my mental and emotional well being.

At times that anger is a friend, it is known and a comfortable, warm blanket. To let that go, first off, I don't quite know how, and secondly, it means there is an unknown out there, which I don't control.

I also have a lot of anger for business/financial reasons at my sister-in-law, as well as the OW. Even my sons haven't any patience with me and think I shouldn't be bothered by it anymore.

It is a lonely place to be when you feel that no one can empathize, or even wants to try to empathize, with you. I have gone to thereapy, and yes, for the amount of their fees therapist's can and will empathize with me. It doesn't provide me comfort anymore it is a transaction.

I admire your daughter, she is strong, has a good head on her shoulders, and brave to come out and say some of what she said. She is reaching out to you, that must be satisfying to you and comforting.

If you know where to find that button called, just get over it, much like the Staples button, let me know, I need to push it too!

Thanks 'StillDawn'.

Hey Mulan

Sad you're unhappy

I spent five years telling myself I;d never recover, then I looked around and realised I was recovered.

At some point Mulan you have to give up hope of a better past.

Your INDIGNATION at the UNFAIRNESS of your XHs treatment of you jumps from your words. The ANGER at his low valuation of you and so many things you valued above all things.

But those things all happened. You must give up hoping for a better past.

How many times a day do you let your mind wander deliberately to a memory some particularly provocative slight your XH gave you in his sordid journey, just so you can roll the bitter taste around your mouth and invoke some FIERY hatred and disappointment for a while ?

Took me fully four years to stop that completely....

You can't do it yet, I recognize that, Mulan. I know how deeply you loved your marriage as it once was. Recovery isn't making our PAST as we want it, it is making our present the best it can be.

I pray you find healing from this profound wound Mulan.

All blessings

Boy, can I relate.

Mulan, I think I know how you feel. Some days I think that I am just a person MADE not to bounce back like others seem to.

I would like to move on- but the memories hit me in the face every day. I am still married now, but if I can't see a better future I won't be soon.