Hopefully, before October 13th, you will. However, I think it would be good for you to have a post-October 13th plan in place. Until then, I would continue with the self care and even pump it up a bit as well. Meetings are great. Creating a strong support network is wise. But daily self care (5 minutes longer in the shower, good hygiene, decent sleep, being mindful of what music you listen to, what books you read, etc. are also very important.)

Hang in there.

That's what he wants, I think. I think he really wants me to stay in his life... but to not have to be accountable to me for anything.

It hurts too much to think of him with these other women... and also hurts to know how much damage he's doing to himself. It hurts to have him talking like he escaped some horrible fate being married to me. His revisionist history really hurts.

I'm planning to be polite but detached when I have to speak to him... soon we'll have to work together on getting stuff done with the house, horses, etc. I'm trying to get myself together before then.

He's all wrapped up in these new people in his life... the manipulative narcissist he cheated with last year, one of her friends- a hard partying drunk going through her own divorce right now, etc. One of his new guy friends considers himself a real "player"... he's the ex husband of the gal my WH was asking about divorce proceedings. I think it's ironic how WH was looking down on this guy a few months ago, and now they are pals. :P

I'm trying to take things one day at a time.

You may have to take extraordinary efforts to avoid him. If you don't have to be around him, then, don't. See if you can avoid each other by deciding when one can come to the house and take their things without the other around, etc.

Place a boundary with yourself that you won't talk to him unless it's about the divorce/separation or him telling you about help that he's getting for his problems.

You don't have to stick around to hear about his escape of you or the marriage, girlfriends, or being a player, etc. If anyone approaches you talking about it, you have the choice to ask them not to. Tell them it isn't helping you and that this whole experience has been very painful.

You need to stop trying to figure out why he's thinking like he is. He's in an addictive, wayward, unhealthy state of mind. He's not going to make sense, so stop expecting him to.

Yeah, that's how it's been so far. He tried to get me to go in to joint counseling with David so he could justify himself more, but David said "no contact about anything but bills till January." Now that it's almost January, I'm really struggling with how I want to deal with this.


Yeah, the friends have clammed up. After they told me about his new girlfriend, well, that was it for me. They have honored my wishes, and that's helpful.


Here is where I keep falling down. I DO keep expecting this to make sense... and if I somehow find the missing piece of this puzzle, I might get my best friend back again. I do need to stop that. It's just so hard to see him compartmentalizing so successfully... doing a great job with the bills, the home improvements, taking care of himself, and telling everyone this is the life he SHOULD have had, and all his immaturity and laziness was because of ME. I don't think he's fooling anyone except himself, and his new friends... and me, maybe.
Wolf, not Cougar
Chel

Wolf...

His brain isn't in a place right now to do any inner reflecting because he's afraid of what he's going to see there. Forgive me in advance any male readers, but men especially in my experience have a big problem with accepting blame. I'm not sure if it's an ego thing or what. It's much easier for them to blame others and act like they're fine and not part of the problem. Women are certainly at fault here too, but in my experience women are always quicker to acknowledge and apologize for some reason.

His reflecting upon himself and his actions may not happen tomorrow or next week, next month or next year. It's going to take another failure in his life (without you being there) for him to look back and say to himself..."yeah...maybe I am part of the problem. Maybe she was right." And naturally he isn't going to let you know when this revelation occurs. Just trust that it will. And it won't matter to you all that much anyway, because you'll have moved on to a much healthier lifestyle.

What you're seeing now could quite likely be him settling in a bit, adjusting to his 'new' lifestyle, and he could think this will be a good thing for him - but if he isn't addressing his addictions, any subsequent romantic relationships are unlikely to stick, imo. And maybe that's all he's going to be capable of - short-term relationships. You might be doing yourself a favor to consider that...that he'll never address his addictions and never be able to commit fully to someone else because of it.

What have you learned about yourself from this relationship? What have you learned about other people? Don't let this all be in vain. Think about this, and glean what you can from it to make you wiser and more compassionate.

Here I go with philosophical Sooly...I picture my life as a journey across a very wide creek. Each rock I stepped on along the crossing, I had to find balance and equilibrium again. I think your stbx is one of your rocks and that you're finding your balance again.

Hang in there, Chel. Life has a way of going on, even when we can't imagine that it will. Each new day is a new beginning, another opportunity to be better, do better, make someone else's life more abundant...

Start with building a strong support network of family and friends. Use them to regain emotional strength and resolve to be happy again. Do things that you've long denied yourself. Understand that the only things in this life that are guaranteed are that you WILL have to pay taxes and you WILL die someday. Sounds sort of morose, but it's true. Everything else is determined by us and our interactions with others, and since we can't control anyone but ourselves, there is really only so much we can orchestrate on our own. Be fully accountable for yourself. Pray for him as an individual if you're a spiritual person because it's his individuality right now that needs the help. And just do this on a day-to-day basis. Don't push yourself to look farther ahead than today for a while. Just do the best that you can now.

I meant rock bottom as far as his life goes, not the drinking. Once you are gone, he has no one to blame but himself. ALL his decisions will be on his shoulders. He will have no one left giving him unconditional love, except maybe his family, and we all know what good are at this point.

Bottom line, you have been in Plan A for WAY too long. It is doing NEITHER of you any good. All you look like to him is a sucker, for putting up with this all this time.

Write out your Plan B letter, arrange for an IM in case he needs to contact you (through them), and put your financials in shape. Then give him the letter.

IMO, it is the ONLY way he will ever respect you again and, thus, possibly realize what he has lost.

Which is why Plan B is the only way he will ever abandon his choices to get you back. Because Plan B is YOU standing firm on what YOU will accept in a marriage with him. Your way or no way, because you CAN move on. It will be the only way to give him a wakeup call.

You guys all brought up some excellent points, and I'll respond with more detail later, but I wanted to say "thank you" and I'll be working on the details of a Plan B letter and trying to figure out how I'm going to manage to clean up and sell a house I don't live in. :P

Today, however, I'm donning my medieval garb and heading off to Twelfth Night, an event for our local Society for Creative Anachronism. Should provide me some pleasant distraction.

Jealous!

Well, looks like I'll be seeing WH sooner than planned. Their grandpa passed away last night. I've been a part of that family for more than 20 years, and I'm going to the funeral... there are no two ways about it.

This sucks. I had a feeling I wasn't going to see him alive again, and he was a grand old fella. Would have loved to give him one last hug.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I have to say that one of the big benefits that has come out of this whole situation is that I've had the chance to spend more time with my OWN grandparents, and the rest of my family. My relations with them have always been uncomfortable... everyone in my own family is so damned co-dependent that it's a drama-fest everytime they get together. I've learned to set boundaries for my relatives, and having done that we get along better than ever.

Although WH's family is composed almost entirely of binge-drinking functioning alcoholics, they are good people and very close-knit. I was a part of that. They will miss Grandpa Brown a lot.

Sad occasion, for sure. WH will probably take this pretty hard, even though he won't show it. I am declaring a cease-fire. If he wants to talk, I'll let him and just listen.

So, any suggestions for dealing with the funeral/visitation schedule?

I was planning to go, approach and offer my condolences to the friends and family... then get the hell out. Not planning to approach WH, or approach the group if he's there.

Got any tips?

Soon, I'm going to have to meet with him or something because we need to get the house on the market and start putting ads up for the horses, etc.

I'm all ears. I don't have good intermediaries lined up, so I'm wondering how Plan Bing him would work given this situation.

Can you let the family know ahead of time of what you need? As in, not dealing with him? Ask for their help.

You can just call them individually versus visiting; that's one idea. You can also send a bouquet of flowers and do this, or both. You can tell them that you don't want to make your ex uncomfortable.

The family will understand why you aren't there if they know about you and your husband, and the family is likely to be too tied up with dealing with the crowd to feel your absence a lot.

You can certainly send your ex a condolence card.

I think this is also a good time to really reflect on your intent. Do you want to go to extend your condolences? Do you want to go to show his family that you're a decent person and even the more proper one of the two of you? Do you want to go to see if he brings along a new girlfriend? Do you want him to see you looking really nice and getting along fine without him? Tough questions...

If you really feel you need to go, I think you may be making more of it than you need to. I'd sign your name to the guest book, quickly get in line, and get through the receiving line as quickly as you can and leave afterwards. If he's in the line, you shake his hand and tell him you're sorry for his loss, and you keep moving. Don't seek him out but also don't avoid him. There's no easy way around it. Just do the right thing and be the one who is polite above all things and displays dignity during difficult times. I'd go as early as possible. That way the line will be either nonexistent or moving along quickly.

You're going to have some awkward moments like this. Just do the right thing and get it done if you feel there's no alternative. Be quick and polite, and then go home and do something really nice for yourself.

I gave this some thought and realized I want to go for the family. It'll be nice to show up, looking good and doing ok, but I really do care about his entire family... until all this went down, I was closer with them than I was with my own. Sadly, they've not reached out to me, but that's their loss as much if not more than mine.

Also, I'd bet every penny I own on him NOT having a girlfriend there. The women he's hanging out with aren't interested in this kind of "real life" emotional support. Remember... he likes the "party girls." He's probably stuffing his grief, too. With the people he's hanging around with, he's running toward his problems, instead of away.

I plan on attending the funeral, only. Making my appearance, shaking hands, then getting GONE. I should be able to find something good to do that night afterward for the distraction.

I'm really dreading having to interact with him about the house, finances, etc. coming up soon. It was encouraging me to make more of this event than it really is.
Wolf, not Cougar
-Chel

I've been rather pensive today, and am wondering what you guys think of this.

I was doing some reading on a site for co-dependents of sex addicts, and one of the ladies on there said her counselor asked her some questions that got her thinking... it got me thinking.

My biggest fears:
1) That I really, truly am unlovable, and that I'm going to be doomed to either repeat experiences like this marriage... happy but based on lies, or be alone.

2) That WH is going to move on and find a relationship with someone else that is "better" than ours was. It was good, till he got super foggy, even though he'd been kinda foggy the whole time, I guess. If he's happier away from me, then I am afraid I was a bad wife, and a bad friend.

3) That I won't find another "best friend." My entire life till I met him felt very lonely, even when I was surrounded by other people. Not everyone "gets" me. I'm in the same boat now... lots of friends, but still feel so alone. In some ways, my relations with my family and my friends have never been richer, deeper or more satisfying... but I'm still so lonely.

4) That I'm going to be desperately poor, unable to keep my health, etc. Working a regular "job" is exhausting to me and I soon end up sicker. I'm trying new meds and doing everything I can do to get my mental and physical health back, but I'm afraid for the future.

5) That somehow I "caused" him to melt down, and it's my fault.

It's been a tough day. This weather is kicking my butt and making me hurt all over like my whole body is a rotten tooth. I'm filled with anxiety and dread of this funeral, and the subsequent things that are going to have to happen with selling the house and everything. I had such good plans to start the new year off better than ever, and here I am, crying on my dog in my grandparent's basement. I just want to feel better, and have my life make sense again. Y'know?
Wolf, not Cougar
Chel

{{{Wolf}}} Things WILL get better, hon.

Well, I did it. I went there for the visitation.

Most of his family... from both sides... was there.

Many of the cousins etc didn't even know we'd split. They asked me where he was, and I said I didn't know, we'd separated 3 months ago. His mom, aunts and sisters welcomed me with open arms. His mom apologized for not getting in touch with me, but she was the one caring for his grandparents so she's been really busy. His sister that snubbed me earlier hugged me and cried.

I saw his grandma, and saw his grandpa in the casket. His grandma and I talked for a bit... she seemed to be doing well, and very relieved he was no longer in pain. I asked her if I could come visit her next week and she said that would be great.

I was just leaving, walking down the sidewalk to get to my car when I heard WH shouting for me. I ignored the first shout because I panicked, but he shouted again and I had to turn to face him.

It was wierd. He's shaved his goatee off, etc, and looks like a different person... but it's more than just the clean shaven thing. I'm still trying to put my finger on it.

He said he wanted us to talk, maybe get together Friday night about "moving things forward" and I told him no thanks. He seemed puzzled and I elaborated that our counselor David had said that there was no point in me talking to him about anything other than financials, and financials can be handled through email. He said he had some mail for me in the car he wanted to go get, and I said "not now" and left.

It hurts. I am now trying to decide if I want to see what David says about all this or if I want to construct a Plan B letter to give him in response to whatever he's going to email me.

My gut tells me he's planning to tell me what he's been up to, and that he wants a divorce in hopes he can shock me into doing the legwork and filing myself. I think he's counting on me being up and online to solve all our mutual problems... putting the house on the market, etc, and because he's ready to pull the trigger that he thinks I'm just going to make this all go away for him. Also, I believe he wants to keep playing his "lets be friends- good guy card" and get to the point where we're talking casually again. I don't know if he has any genuine concern for me at all, or if he just wants to be friends so he can a) get some of his emotional needs met, b) get me to do most of the work done dissolving our joint assets, and c) prove to himself and our mutual friends that he hasn't just completely screwed me over and isn't the biggest jerk in the universe. I just get the impression he wants to talk to me so he can blather on about how he was never cut out to be anyone's husband, and how satisfying his new life of drunken lechery is, and how much better off I will be with out him... and at this point he still can't access any of his genuine emotions towards me, or any of our years of mostly positive history. Blah blah.

I'm considering emailing the counselor to have him call WH and tell him to get in, then let David decide if I should give him any time.

Although I'm totally willing to own up to my own mistakes, apologize for the disrespectful judgments and raging I did over the last year when I was so very co-dependent, I just don't know that anything constructive will come out of all this. I'm really sorry for my mistakes. But that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I don't think.

What do you guys suggest?

Pretend you never saw him. Move forward with your Plan B.