Yup...the infidelity diet.

Step one: Eat nothing
Step Two: Feel everything

Mr. W

p.s.- As a lawyer I can tell you you've got nothing to worry about as far as harassment charges. Not to say you won't receive threats...you might. WS's will often threaten legal actions in an attempt to manipulate you. However, rest assured NO wayward or wayward supporter ever wants to go into court and testify about their behavior in an open courtroom. When push comes to shove...they avoid the light of day at all costs. Generally, they don't follow through with much of anything as they have trouble going to the bank and the grocery store in the same day because they are just too obsessed with their addiction and how cool/hip/young they think they are.

Very Normal. See your doc about meds.

I had to take sleeping aids.

I wish I had some of the thoughts you have as far as just putting an end to the marriage. I didn't. I was desperate to save it and out of that desperation I made some terrible mistakes that took me years to undo.

Keep your head about you. Knowing you can end the marriage and survive to be on your own and be just fine can be a very powerful thing.

Just protect your rights as a dad. That's the one thing I am passionate about. I want to help BHs make sure they keep their head enough to do the things they need to do to protect themselves as fathers.

Stay in your home. Don't let her take the kids out of the state. Consult a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up and ready.

Understand that being the first to file gives you an advantage.

Exposure Update:

I just got off the phone with the OM's parents. Wow was I nervous! His mother wanted nothing to do with what I was telling her, said it did not pertain to her. It seemed like she may have already knew. But his father said that he did not know any of this.

I told the OM's dad that his son and my wife were having an affair. That it was destroying my marriage. That I have two kids. And that I want their son to leave my wife and family alone.

Then his dad said, "okay, thank you," and kind of abruptly hung up. Hopefully, the mom and dad are discussing it now and giving that jerk son of theirs a call.

The OM's parents live in a pretty posh town. I'm sure this is not the type of news their society friends want spread all over town about their precious son!

Great job! The hard part is not knowing what they do with the information. But better to have told...

Who else did you tell?

So far, I've told my wife's parents, her aunt and uncle who live in the town in Massachusetts where the affair has taken place (told via my wife's parents), and 2 of her 3 brothers. And today I told the OM's parents.

It's really hitting the fan now. Since my wife's parents found out, her attitude has definitely shifted. She seems much more apologetic and sorry. But it's only been a week, so we'll have to see whether this is a real change in attitude or not.

Best friends? Cousins she's close to? Someone close enough to sit her down and talk to her?

I contacted a ton of different people, but the opinion of two people eventually had an effect:

1. A friend from church who's high opinion of her really mattered a lot. This friend pointed out an article in the latest Church magazine addressing infidelity, and it changed FWW's mind regarding her "friendship" with the Other Man.

2. The other man's wife. She persuaded him to leave us alone for the sake of our family, and even though my wife desperately and repeatedly emailed him hoping for a reply, he didn't do so.

You never really know who will have the most impact on your spouse or your spouse's lover. Basically, if you think they might have any influence at all, put 'em on the list!

Good job on the exposure. I know it's incredibly hard to do. It feels vengeful and opposite of what you should be doing... but doing what you thought you should be doing got you in this mess in the first place.

She's taking a lot of heat right now. She has a very close relationship with her parents and brothers. They're all talking to her. And it seems to be working.

I am a bit worried though that this is all like I'm breaking her spirit. The big reason for the affair was because it was an outlet for her to feel independence and freedom, albeit horribly destructive and at my expense.

While I intend to do all I can to crush the affair, it kind of feels like I am breaking the will of a wild animal? I don't want her to feel like I just beat her into emotional submission. This affair has to end, I understand, I just wish it didn't have to be like this.

I understand, but SHE caused all this. She certainly had a BIG enough spirit to mortally wound YOU, didn't she?

Save your compassion for when the fog lifts; she'll need it then, when she realizes the devastation she has caused.

And she's probably going to do all she can to make you feel like a slug in the next few days.

Above all, show her a calm, smart, loving, forgiving husband who was ALWAYS there.

TE,

You are not breaking the spirit of a Wild Animal. Your are convincing the aliens to beam your W back from the Mothership. Seriously, she is going to be down and in withdrawal for awhile because she KNOWS what she has done is wrong and not in keeping with her families opinion of her or of what is right.

THat is just part of the consequences of being a liar and cheater and until further notice that is what she is. Will she remain that way or be worthy of such labels? Perhaps not. Many of the finest folks on this site were former Wayward spouses. The "former" part comes because deep down they knew what they were doing was wrong, and deep down they really were good folks. It just had to get out from under the addiction of the affair.

I am hoping this is true of your W. She cannot heal, and you cannot save this marriage until the AFFAIR is broken. she is not the affair, but she is the one having it. You are in fact doing your best to break the affair, and right now the affair defines her. So it seems to you, that you are breaking her. You are not.

You still love her, you still want to save this marriage, and you will certainly entertain the concept of forgiveness and rebuilding this marriage. BUT, the affair must end first, that must be broken.

God Bless,

JL

A key part of our recovery so far was my FWW learning that MarriageBuilders works for BOTH partners. Right now, the affair must end for you to recover.

After the affair is over, and you begin recovery efforts, you're going to find that BOTH OF YOU have a lot of work to do to make your marriage right again. Neither of you met each other's most important emotional needs. Neither of you avoided Love-Busting each other. You didn't spend enough time together. You weren't honest enough with each other.

Fixing these kinds of deep problems takes work. You've learned humility the hard way, that despite your best efforts she still chose someone else over you. She's learning humility the hard way, too, that she's imperfect and is capable of being a horrible person to those she cares about the most.

It takes a LOT of humility from both sides to make a recovery work. It's going to take a lot of time, too. Work your plan and give it time to work upon her.

Just got out of a counseling session with my wife. Told her about everyone I have exposed the affair to. My wife is completely embarrassed and furious. She was completely taken off guard, totally knocked for a loop.

She says, now she wants a divorce more than ever. She says this was none of anyone's business. She says she thinks I'm going crazy asking what I was hoping to accomplish.

She says, now that I told the OM's parents, she feels like she has to get on the phone and apologize to him. Apologize to him! The guy who is trying to destroy our family.

She says the big problem with our relationship before was that I was too controlling, and now I've gone and told everyone and this reaffirms her position.

Thoughts?

FWW said that.


FWW said that.


FWW said that.


FWW said that.


FWW said that.

FWW recently thanked me for my exposures to several people who turned her around.

See the pattern?


Note on "controlling"... I hate that word. Did she ever call you controlling before the affair started? My wife never did, even once. And since recovery started, she only uses it when she has foggy moments. Like the word "privacy", it's a euphemism for what she really means:

"Controlling" means "Interfering in my affair".
"Privacy" means "Freedom to conduct my affair without your knowledge or interference."

Once I started substituting those phrases in my head every time FWW used them, it was much easier to deal with. I knew then that I could deal in the truth of what she was saying.

Oh, yeah, and it hurts like hell with the wayward tries to apologize to the other person for the betrayed spouse's PRO-MARRIAGE BEHAVIOR. You feel like they value the opinion of the other person more than yours. It's even worse when they berate you into calling and apologizing yourself (yep, FWW did that to me, too).

And you know what? They DO value the other person more than their marriage. That's part & parcel of the wayward game. Own it. It sucks. It hurts that their priorities are so hideously screwed up that they think an apology is owed to the person who's committing the offense. But that's the foggy wayward thinking for you.

+1 to that. My WW had never used the word "controlling" to describe me, ever! Now she uses it all the time whenever she feels like I'm interfering in her affair.

Well said Barn. My WW said (and is still saying) those exact same things as we are not into recovery yet.

TE, they really all do read from the same script.

Reading from the same script indeed. I think I read everything she came out with in the carrot and stick thread . It was very expected stuff.

She also said that now she really wants to divorce me. I replied, "That's what you said in our last session before Christmas." She said, "Yeah, well now I really mean it."

Our counsellor really doesn't do much, by the way, other than provide a place for us to vent.