Ok, I have to finally ask... what is DV?

You sound good and content. I'm so happy that you are getting to that place.

or am I wrong.

DV= domestic violence

You are right Queenie - good and contentish and certainly getting to that place

x

We need to do some more work. Not because anything is wrong. But because we are lazy.

J likes to sit down and watch tv at the moment but I just want to read read read. We're both a little twitchy about what the other is doing but we can't get motivated to do something that we both want to together. He did a night shift last night, so I had time to process this a bit.

It's rubbish - I know. He suggsted monopoly on the wii but I want to use my brain more - maybe that was where our thinking got stuck - we were thinking of using the Wii, maybe we shoulf have thought more along the lines of board games and gone for scrabble or trivial pursuit.

I'll research some thinking games for the wii


Last night was J's first night shift in about a month and for the first time in 4 years I missed him in bed - something was missing. I sent him a text message at midnight to let him know.

We get along fine but still need to do more work to fall in love and stay in love properly - there's a book about that isn't there...

Sorry Sere. I'll have to come back to this later. Friends have just arrived.

Are you still off school up there?

Count BB and I in on the lazy thing. IF we allow it. We're pretty good at identifying laziness or complacency in our relationship now, and when we do, we up the UA time and try and schedule some fun time. I think it's normal. We all have busy lives and need some down time and it's just easy to turn on the TV or pick up a book.


You need a good brainstorming session. We like the dvd quiz games. There's loads on the market and I imagine you'll be able to pick them up really cheap after christmas. Check out amazon.

There's a great one called Buzz I think thats mentally challenging but also great fun. We have had fantastic nights doing it. It's a playstation game I think. Not sure if you have PS. There's also Scene it which we all play. Oh, there's loads and you can watch TV and be mentally challenged at the same time.


He would have loved that message ST. Nice and thoughtful. Awwww.


I'm sure there is ST. Can't think of the title or author at the moment. Let me think.

No problem.

Yes, the schools are closed at least till Monday. The situation will be reassessed at the weekend but it's not looking good with more heavy snow forecast for Sunday.

We're learning spanish this morning with our Muzzy dvd's. Little J just loves Muzzy.

Hasta luego.

Home schooling- we should have been doing that. Kids back at school today and riday is now my only whole day off.

Still can't go out without wellies on and kids have plenty of spare clothes with them.

Thank you for the game ideas. We will brainstorm. We need to make a list of puppy house rules too.

My wishes for 2010:

The most important for me is not to forget the lessons I have learnt in 2009 and to build on me and my M. But I must hold tight all that I have learned.

That J and I can make "normal life" ie no shifts, work beautifully for us.

That the house is filled with fun and laughter.

That I give myself time to keep giving thanks.

That I give myself time to keep reassessing and questioning my direction.

That all of us start to talk nicely to each other ALL the time. There still seems to be some background stress for the kids - either that or they are just quite bad tempered and rude.(Mind you that might just be because of the "i can have everything mentallity" induced by Christmas and the uncerainty of whether school is on with this silly weather.)

That I give myself introspection time - even when things are going better ( to avoid complacency).

That I pluck up the courage to go to church ( trying to talk myself into going on Sunday)


My wishes seem to be all about me.

I think that's it.

Just wanted to quote that in case you came back to edit later...

When you go church shopping (stating in the affirmative), ask people questions about the things that are important to you and your family. I understand the stealth approach -- not wanting to draw attention to yourself as you slip into a seat in the very back so that you don't get jumped on by the parishioners -- BTDT. But while visiting a church a few times can give you a feel for the place, it's often not the full picture.

For example, if you want to also take your kids, talk with the education coordinator who runs the children and youth programs and also parents of the kids. Find out how the church incorporates the kids into worship, ministry, community, liturgical arts, or whatever is important to you.

Ask, because while churches are similar, they can also be different in ways that are important to you.

Good luck, and I love your list.

I don't think I'll be doing Church tomorrow. Don't dare ask J.

Why the heck is it that if I post honestly on here about me needing to work on something (not currently causing an issue) - he picks it up form here and then beats me with it?? With string upon string of DJ Why the heck would I want to improve what I'm doing now?

I currently can't bare to be near him. I'm cross tonight. Can you tell?

When all 4 of us are out for the day and he's picking on tiny things with the kids and being a miserable (insert rude word of choice) how do I enforce a boundary for the children?

I know L4 has had the same issue. How on earth do you enforce a boundary when you're stuck in a car? or 50 miles from home not on a bus route or train route?

He isn't impressed that I have told him I can't be with him tonight.

His response: "just because I'm back on shifts". I let him know that it was because of the way he was talking to us and because he was sucking the joy out of everything - sometimes it's like spending the day with a dementor (I didn't tell him he was sucking the joy out of everything or the bit about the dementor).

(oooo, is this google chrome doing a spell check on me? nope can't be it dosen't recognise google)


When he slumps into one of these and starts being really ratty and impatient with the kids, how can I let him know that I don't like the way he is talking and being?

DD asked how many sweets her cousin was getting. "oh ***, why can't she let it be - she's getting as many sweets as mummy gives her what difference does it make" " why does she have to make such a big deal about everything?"

I calmly say "8, dd, that's fair" DD said not another word.

But I did have to say to J - she needs reassuring that there is fair distribution of treats - that's all you needed to say or say "ST how many sweets are you giving M?"

But isn't telling him how to do something my way instead if his a DJ - is this not trying to educate him? What do I do here?

I'd forgotten how much grief this sort of thing used to cause me.


Anyway, I need a chill pill - maybe a bath. Or find someone in a worse off position to me tonight and see if I can offer any comfort or help.

IMO, these are the things that should be discussed ahead of time. Maybe in a weekly discussion of LBs and ENs? "When you ABC, I feel XYZ; and I end up feeling like I have to remove the children from your vicinity so they don't pick up on being that way; it doesn't belong in the way I think kids should be raised. So...I have to tell you that if it happens, I'll be taking the kids and going for a walk."

Something like that?

ST,

Was this meltdown over going to church?

Hi Stay,

As I was catching up on your thread, I was encouraged to see that finding UA is a hard thing. By the time H gets home from work and his meetings he just wants to unwind and is done for the night.

Setting boundaries is a stumper for me as well. I have taken his and the boys abuse of teasing me for so long that I'm trying to find loving and honest ways of telling them to stop. H seems to get it more than the boys. But it's still there. I so feel for you.

I guess all you can do is simply state what's happening for you, how it's affecting you and that you would like to work through this in a healthy manner. Would J be receptive to that where he is problem solving the stuff together?

Thanks Guys

Cat, these are things that are discussed ahead of time and we both totally agree on how things should be done. But he gets in one of these funny ones and it all goes out of the window.

Mark, he's in such a funny mood I'm not even going to mention Church. So, no this isn't about Church.

Hi Queenie, this recovery stuff is the same the world over! I couldn't talk to him tonight. Couldn't be in the same room or the first hour after the kids had gone to bed. He is receptive to problem solving but not in his current mental state.

I started looking at more dog names to distract myself and publishing some puppy photos and he came to look at what i as doing. I was chilled by then and friendly, he was friendly back. I went to watch TV with him, same sofa, touching, discussing the show and thrying to guess what we had missed form the last episode together.

The second the show finished he jumped out of his seat and sulks "right I'm off to bed". It was like he suddenly remebered taht he wasn't being friendly and nice today - back with the short, bad tempered tone.

I questioned it - of course it was my fault, because 2 1/2 hours previously I'd said I needed to spend some time away from him... never mind the good conversation we'd had in between


Maybe the change back to shift working has triggered a mild manic phase - presenting as extreme irritation.

Mark did a really good post over on L4's thread about we only have control over what we can do. Have you been able to read it.

I have recently become a fan of Joyce Meyer. Actually I have liked her for a long time. But one of the things she said is when someone is being "mean", not "abusive", but mean, love on them harder.

I'm trying this myself. For today, I will love on my H no matter what he does to me. I can't control him, but I will feel like I am being g-dly and thereby serving G-d. Earlier this week when I was really sick H was kinda being distant and a jerk. After he mentioned it and I really thought about it, he hates it when I am sick. Instead of just being vulnerable he becomes a jerk.

While being that jerk, while I could slip in the love I did. When he pushed more away, I said a little prayer.

Does that make sense?

That's not what I meant. I mean to have known responses spelled out - boundaries, if you will. "If you raise your voice to me, I will leave the room." Or "If you criticize DD when I feel she doesn't deserve it, I'm going to take her to another room, and we can discuss it privately."

These don't depend on HIM complying. And by telling him ahead of time what your actions will be, if he tries to blame you later for withdrawing, you just say 'we discussed this before, and you knew how I would react. You can still choose to AO me, but I will choose to withdraw.'

Hellooooo ST !!!

and Mark, and Queenie, and Cat ....... and John Boy .....

I'm trying to catch up and have get some posts on L4's thread, what Cat mentioned above about discussing 'if you do this, I will do this in response' beforehand, made me think of something. I like that idea but I wonder if he would see this as IB or as you being 'difficult' .... I don't know and I don't know a whole lot about MD.

When you are both calm and rational, can the two of you agree how to respond to eachother's LB's, this allows J boundaries as well.

Of course it would be perfect if once a LB was acknowledged, it was apologized for and that was the end of that, doesn't always go that way, a good example is what you described above. If a situation did go that perfect way, and I think with practice, care and mutual understanding, it can, LB's can be identified and no conflict to follow, but like Cat points out, a game plan would help.

So if you both agree, almost in contract form and you could write them down and even go so far as to sign each other's contract, each of you understand and agree how the other will enforce their own boundary, then there will be no surprises as to how and why the other responds the way they do.
Each of you can say 'we discussed and agreed that this is what I would do when I feel this way from something that you have done or said'. Forewarned to speak.

This would be good for practicing POJA wouldn't it?

Does this sound like it might work, I'm really just thinking out loud?

Evening ST, just checking in before I go to bed. It's nearly midnight here yannow.

Can't reply in detail but I would like to ask if you noticed his mood before you started off on your day out? Bad moods on a family day out don't normally arise out of nowhere unless a trigger is at play.

We've learned (BB and I) not to put each other under any pressure if one of us is having a bad day, so we don't go out "playing happy families" if either of us is in a mood.

If I'm unhappy about something and we intend to go out, I will bring it up before we go so that we can hopefully resolve it. If we don't resolve it, then we reschedule. No hurt feelings on either side because we accept that we're dealing with a difficult situation and that each of us will have good days and bad days.

Same goes for BB.

Nipping things in the bud works for us.

More on the children issue tomorrow. Must go to bed now.

Night-night.

Good night Sere.
Sweet dreams!

I was gonna go to your place and send you a kiss, but I might not get there, being slow as molasses as I am.