Good news and good for you, itisme. A word of caution, however. Beware the cake-eating behavior. Your WH will do and say anything and everything to keep you stringing along. DON'T PLAY INTO IT! Remember Ronald Reagan's philosophy: Trust but verify!

ItsMe:

Since you are dealing with an person with an addiction, most of the MB techniques will not work.

Plan A? No. Because the addict is eating that stuff up. And continues to manipulate you.

Carrot or Stick? part of the Plan A, improving yourself and making the affair difficult. Yes, you can use parts of this, but becuase you are fighting alcohol addiction, the A is just a small part of the fight. You can end THIS AFFAIR, but if the alcohol use continues, then you will be fighting the next affair. So, your moving deck chairs on the Titanic. He deals with the Alcohol Addiction, (the huge gash in the side of your marrriage) or there is no hope.

Plan B? Sure. Learn more about it, and then implement it. He will "miss work", be "suicidal" want "your attention" and will ratchet up his methods to get your attention back, and break Plan B. You have gotten some strength since you joined here, and even your alcohol addled husband recognizes in your the new strength. Believe me, you will only grow stronger as you learn more.

Read QueeniesNewAdventures Thread. Her Alcoholic husband moved out of the house and lived with OW for two years. He is back home, dealing with his alcohol issues, and trying to build a healthier marriage with Queenie. Its long, but MUCH will resonate with you. She lived Plan B for over a year.

Sorry you have to be here.

LG

Itsme,



Hugs to you!!


Gg

Darn it. You guys and gals are so helpful and caring. I'm getting all misty eyed. You don't know me from a hole in the wall, and yet here you are.

He just called b/c he needs money for a hotel. It is fair that I give it to him, because I hold all our money in my account. He also has a counseling appt on his lunch break tomorrow. I have to give him credit, because of the holidays it was hard to find someone, but he kept trying.

I am having a moment of weakness. I tore the kitchen apart right before this last D-day, and I am trying to put it back together by myself. It is hard, and I almost asked him to stop bye and help. I'm also scared that he'll get lonely in his hotel room and contact OW. But, I know I'll let you all (and myself) down if I buckle, so I will hold out.

Today when I met him, he mentioned wanting to contact an older man that is his friend for help. What he doesn't know is that I went to this guy for guidance months ago, and asked him not to tell I visited him unless my husband asked or it came up. I think I should come clean, because I am reading in the material here that honesty comes above all else. I am also going to tell him that I was tracking him with a cell phone last year, because that has been bothering me, and I know he still wonders how I found him sometimes. Or, maybe I shouldn't say anything. Better ponder that . . .

Personally I don't think it's time for you to come clean or let him know you were snooping. He may actually use this against you to further justify behaving badly. He hasn't proven any action to you yet. As difficult as it may be, sit back and let him do the work.

Gg

OK. Be still, Be still, Be still . . . . Got it.

ItsMe:

Lets parse this latest post, ok?

1.

So What. He will use the money for a Hotel, Alcohol, or a toss with OW. So, don't give him any cash. This was HIS CHOICE.

2.
If you gave him $200 for a hotel, or if you said NO! As soon as he hung up the phone with you, he is going to call the OW. Count on it.

3.

Sure he does. But, tommorow, when you ask him about it, he will have a reason, and it will be YOUR FAULT, why he couldn't make it. Example: "I was too cold from sleeping my car last night becasue YOU DIDN'T give me any money." or "Since you threw me out, and I missed work, I had to work extra, and couldn't make the appointment." or "I went to the appointment, but SINCE YOU DIDN'T give me any cash, I couldn't pay, so I left"

4.

You talked to someone who may be able to help your Husband. Your "Honesty" does not extend to informing him about your methods for waging this war against his Alcohol Addiction and his Affairs. So, do not be concerned. If he MENTIONS it to you, just tell him: "Of Course, I will talk to anyone who I feel will help me save my marriage"

5.

NO YOU ARE NOT! DO NOT reveal your methods for disrupting his affairs. I mean, the US/British Governments cracked the German/Japanese War codes in World War 2. Do you think that Roosevelt sent a letter or called Hilter/Tojo and said: "Hey, we figured this out, so we know what your doing, and I feel bad for being smarter than you..." I don't think so... This is WAR. You are fighting for your marriage. You have come to the Boot Camp where you are going to learn how to fight the bad guys. Give up the "fairness" and "Respecting" you have for the person who is trying to KILL YOU. When your WH has kicked his alcohol addiction and ended his affairs, and been properly defogged, then YES, you can be honest with him. If he is wayward, he will be pissed. If he is a FORMER WAYWARD, he will SHOCKED at the actions he was taking and the horrible things he put you through while you were trying to save your marriage.

LG

Lousygolfer, wow, thanks for the shock back to reality (zing). The only thing I question is your advice about the money. He has always given his whole paycheck (minus a few bucks for gas/incidentals, etc) to me every week, forever. He does/did this because he cannot save money. It would not be right for me to deny him access to some money-it is in my own personal account - I control the finances.

Well, so much for Plan B right now. I'm trying to be supportive because he is taking some huge steps on his own and he does not have a healthy support system elsewhere (brother and mom - alcoholics and most of his friends are, too).
I can only hope what I am doing is right. I don't know if this is "the bottom" for him, or not. Dang it, I feel like I'm screwing up. He asked if he could call later if he needed to talk, and I said yes. That was probably wrong, too. If he doesn't go to that appt tomorrow (and schedule another one right after that), Plan B goes into affect immediately. In the Al-non mtgs I attended, they said detached, healthy love is OK . . . ?

Now, if only I could find that post from QueeniesNewAdventures. Can't find it using the search tool. Sounds like it would be very helpful.

ItsMe:

How about this: Queenies Story

This is page one. Its 435 pages now.

Take your time. Keep coming back. But read the first 50 pages. So you know what you are up against RIGHT NOW.

Sorry that you control all the cash. Just not enough control for him to carry on his affairs, huh? Don't worry, he will cope.

BTW, do you buy the alcohol then? If so, stop.

LG



LG

Okay, so the two of you have an agreement that you will handle the finances because he's not good with money. What am I missing? Where did that agreement change? You are still handling the money. You have to let him know that it isn't in the best interest of your M to let him have money for a hotel. Fprgive me if I missed a post, but staying at home doesn't cost anything. It's a no-brainer. If he needs to sleep somewhere, he can sleep at home. Where the two of you can work it out together.

So you mean I should let him come home? He wants to badly, but I made him leave. We talked for a bit tonight and we both cried the whole time. He said he is happy to go to counseling tomorrow, so he can finally get some help. Yep, he said that. He also said for the first time since he was 18 years old, he is bringing in the new year sober. I am not in denial about what recovery means for us (tough times ahead), but am so grateful to God for this opportunity to mend our lives. And, he is still in my life. Queenie seemed to keep hope alive even when there was no/little contact.

Reading Queenies thread is giving me goose bumps. As I sat waiting for him in the parking lot on the first D-day, everything was so clear. I saw what I had done to help destroy our marriage, and how I'd been enabling bad behavior by reacting with such negativity. I'd been trying to kick him out for a year, and he wouldn't go, even though he had the OW and there was a battlezone at home. I was so mean and vicious to him (I can use words to cut like a knife), and yet he kept loving me. I would never go out with him and do the things he wanted to do. He met her at a bar one night, he was lonely, and things escalated. We were barely having physical relations. I swear I'm not making excuses, just trying to be honest. It changed my life, and I was at peace. People around me couldn't understand how I was so calm, but I knew that I was a contributor to the mess we were in. But, then all the old wounds and pain started to creep in, and I reverted to my old self a bit. The alcohol use also made healing real tough.

This second time around, I am not sure. I know they were friends (EA), and I'm guessing he carries a lot of guilt about starting a relationship with her and breaking her heart. Yes, she knew what she was doing- but in the end, she is a person like you and I. On my part, I can say that I continued to be very mean and cold to him on some days because I was hurting. That is my part. Cheating was cruel, of course, and cannot be justified.

The OW sent a message for me through him yesterday when I wanted to confront her but she wouldn't pick up my calls or return my message: and to be honest, I believe what he is saying. She said that I didn't want to talk to her when they were having s-x, so why would I want to talk to her now that they aren't. That is exactly what I guessed earlier in this thread - she'd be all about telling me again if they were having s-x.

I'm committing myself to reading all 600+ pages of Queenies thread, because it is interesting to see her faith grow (complete with the backstepping). And, I have always felt this was meant to be a wake-up call for me. It is so hard to get past the shame, hurt, betrayal. Most people are presented with openings to a new life all the time (aka. problems), but don't take the path that leads to emotional freedom. Today, when I met him in the parking lot, I was so happy that I was detached. I was thinking it was a control issue, but really, it was about me being at peace enough to accept what is and realize what my role needs to be in this recovery.


Off to bed. Thanks.