Thanks Still & Fox!

For today, I am practicing my Be Still mode.

Kinda hard and often it is a second by second effort. Am combining it with thoughtful prayer.

I did write out another letter to R. Not sending anything. Just writing. It does help a little bit.

There are no easy answers or easy fixes. My thoughts have been rambling all of the place. For some reason I have been thinking of something the VP of sales said to me a few weeks ago. I was telling him how HARD it was trying to close a deal (the biggest of my career). He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, if it was EASY than EVERYONE would do it".

Which lead me to the thought of if we didn't feel the PAIN of love, how could we properly appreciate the JOY of it? We could not.

I don't know right now what to do or think or say or feel. So, I'm just going to keep trying to Be Still.

Good plan. And remember to breathe.

You are so right - if it was easy, EVERYONE would have strong, successful, joyous relationship.

It ain't easy, that's for sure, but certainly worth the hard work. JMHO.

Fox

Hi Bugs! DGS here. I haven't posted very much because my divorce was due to an alcoholic XH. Chris told me about R and suggested that I post because I went through the same thing after my D. It was December also and I was on Christmas break - I'm a Special Ed teacher. I ran into a good older woman friend of mine at the gas station. We got talking and I told her I was separated and D was pending. She told me that her son was also separated and devestated to boot. He lived in Nebraska and was coming in for the holiday. She took my number and asked if she could tell him about me and could he call me. I said fine although I was still smarting from my situation but I figured what the heck? So to make a long story short we met, fell in love, were together for 5 1/2 months and WHAM ! Now I have to tell you a few things. First he was extremely good looking and almost a dandy. I used to kid him because he had more clothes than I did. He was a pro golfer at one time and very arrogant. He treated me like a queen in the sense that he wrote me beautiful poetry that melted my socks off. He was kind of cheap and never wanted to go out much but we had great weekends together staying in. That summer I lost my teaching job (budget cuts) and was devestated. He was very supportive and I ended up getting another job in July. On that Labor Day he was in my town for the weekend and we were with his family alot. His birthday is Sept.1 so we celebrated it at his mom's house. The weekend ended strangely because his family (3 Kids) treated me very rudely. Up to that point they loved me! He was angry and I was hurt. I never did know what was wrong. Two weeks later he told me that we probably wouldn't be seeing much of each other in October because of kid committments. I thought it was strange but ignored the red flag. His parents were coming in for the weekend and he said he would call me when he could. This was unusual because we talked every day and sometimes several times a day on weekends. I didn't hear from him all weekend and his parents left on Tuesday so I called him. I left a message and he didn't call me back. I called his mom to see if anything was wrong and she didn't know anything. Well to make a long story even longer (sorry) he just stopped calling, taking my calls,returning my calls...... WOW! Who does that?? I was so shocked and hurt I didn't know what to do. A few weeks later I called him on a Sunday and he answered the phone. I asked him what happened and he said he didn't know what I was talking about. I asked him if I was dumped or was there someone else? He said " I don't know." (to the being dumped) To there being someone else he said,"Not really." He told me he just needed space that the R was getting too intense. (Wayward speak?) His pat answer for every question I asked him was "I don't know."

So that was it. I was back in the dark hole that I had climbed out of not long before. I just couldn't understand how any human being could be that cruel to another human being. I'm sure everyone on MB understands that feeling but I had never been hurt like that before. My DS18 was so supportive of me and he had to pick up the pieces. I was no longer allowed to mention his name in our house and DD 18 named him "A$$Face" and we still refer to him that way today.This happened three years ago and I have told Chris many times that I am still feeling the affects of that R more that I ever felt over the loss of my M and my D. Go figure.

Bugs, I will tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As some of the others have said, thank god you found out now that he is a total jerk. Make sure to look at the red flags, I didn't.There is someone special out there for you Bugs. Don't ever settle for anything less than you deserve.

Which brings me to the next man in my life, Chris. When I look back to what happened with AF I thank my lucky stars that things didn't work out. He was selfish, arrogant and cruel. By the way the karma bus did come his way. He met someone and got married. She lives 10 minutes from me in a town that was hit by a tornado last year. He moved into her house and guess what happened? Your right, the tornado totaled the house!
Sooo enter Chrisner. We have been together 2 1/2 years and life is good. I have to say though that I don't think I would ever have appreciated the wonderful man that he is if I hadn't had the experience with AF. Life after D is a huge risk when it comes to starting a new R. After a 23 year marriage and a 26 year marriage it's hard to start fresh. But you know what?? If you take it slow and make honesty and respect the priorities, you can develop a meaningful R. We are progressing slowly and our children have always been a top priority to both of us. We each have had trials with DD21 and DS18 but they know that we are the parent who cares DS18 was very leary when he met Chris, because of AF but he thinks the world of him now!

So I apologize for the length of this post but I really feel for you Bugs and would like to help in any way I can. I do understand. Have a great day all !

(((((((((((((Bugs)))))))))))))))))))

We love you here and will support you. I am so sorry that you have to be hurt again. My heart breaks for you.

I know that it isn't a comfort right now, but I honestly think down the road you will look back and see that this wasn't the right thing for you. I think God is trying to tell you something on this one.

You know now that time will heal this wound. If we can heal after what we have been through with our WH's, then we can heal from almost anything.

Thanks, Chai!

And hey to you DGS!! Thank you so very much for your thoughtful post - I SO appreciate it!




No need to apologize for the length - it was all things that I needed 'hear'. I appreciate the empathy and the help! We've long told Chris how lucky he is to have you,,,I know he knows that. And you know how blessed you are to have him. I'm so very happy that you 2 wonderful people have found each other!

THAT is what gives me hope. Even now. At the bottom of the barrel, I do look up and know that I will once again rise to the top.

Oh my gosh, you're dating Chrisner? I read through your whole post and just have to post - I met him at an MB reunion, his D was there, he seems like a Prince. Good for you that AF has gone the way of all waynerds.
Tell him Bellevue said "hey!"

awwww Bugs. So sorry to hear of this (not surprised, but sad...)

I do agree with DGS -- there will come a time when you thank your lucky stars that this hadn't gone further.

I want to give you a word of advice (from one single gal to another) be very very wary of any future contact with R. Its hard, but its very much in your best interests to end contact with him.

He tried some very classic wayward manipulation tactics on you.
1. Withdraw -- and maybe you would decide on your own that you didn't want him.
2. Make suggestions that YOU weren't ready and didn't want the relationship (heck, maybe you would agree and he would be off the hook!)
3. Blameshifting.
4. Making it seem like the relationship was "over" and he moved on "after" the fact -- when in reality, this "H" has probably been in the picture since he first started these tactics.

He strikes me as the type who is always going to keep this little flame alive. That you will always be there as a ego-boost when "H" isn't cutting it.

Thank GOD bugs that you discovered his wayward mentality BEFORE you invested further. Before you sold your house, or moved away from DSD, or changed jobs, or god-forbid MARRIED him.

There is always good that comes from every relationship -- so take the good stuff with you. Learn and grow from it. And leave the bad and R, in the past.

This guy gave you the greatest christmas gift he ever could. The truth.

It may hurt now, but, babes, he did you and your fam one GINORMOUS favor. trust this. take it to the bank.

I saw where you and a your BFF were retionalizing "why" he could not accept you, or your love, or whatever.

Here is the thing- imho

HE IS SUBSTANDARD. He is a child who has no idea what a M commitment is. No, he does not love you- and that is hard, he was in "romance" with you-- and now he is onto next and next. but the best thing for you is to understand this before you moved to be by him.
It has nothing to do with you, he is a compulsive "romance addict". He does not have what it takes for the long run.

wowowowo. you deserve and will find much, much better.

Good luck to you.

So, how you doin', Bugs?

Fox

Bugsy:

R was possibly a good man.

He has shown that he is NOT.

Any man that would claim to be involved with another to end one relationship, is NOT a good man.

HE had his shot.

He had a shot a greatness. But he blew it.

And you are very lucky to have learned it before you changed your life to suit him.

I know you are hurting, and I am sorry about that. But R? You dodged a bullet.

Long distance R's are tough. But it makes it really easy for someone to play the partner in the distance. ANd R was doing that, and will continue to do it.

((((Bugs)))

LG

Thanks, everyone for all of your posts! I've had myself somewhat avoiding coming back to my own thread to post. I think perhaps I just needed the time to process the reality of things for a while.

I hope you don't think me a coward or anything for not really wanting to talk much more about the entire sitch with R. I am taking the 'what's done is done' attitude and trying to move through the holidays as a somewhat functioning person. Some days are better than others.

I am thankful for a great support system, both here and IRL. I made it through yesterday, which was R's birthday, and the 'offical' start to our relationship last year. So, one more milestone passed. The coming year will be full of them, but I know that time will help.

And, there are still little things in life that make me laugh. For instance, Drac made me giggle yesterday. (I know, who would have thought that was possible this time last year?)

Quick history - a couple of weeks ago I found out that Drac had the ho take Ladybugs to school. Needing to get to work early, she let Ladybugs off early. The school was NOT open! The outside doors were open, but not the interior door. Ladybug had to wait between the doors for them to open. I was LIVID!

I let him know in an email that it was totally, utterly, and completely unacceptable. I never mentioned anything about it being the ho that did this, but stuck to the facts of Ladybugs safety. He, apparently, did not realize until I brought it up that it was, indeed, true (as in "I thought I had it covered").

Long story short, I didn't bite on his attempts to make it 'personal' (as in 'Bugs you ALWAYs ASSUME the worst without even talking to me!).

I told him that in the future, she could catch the bus in my neighborhood, or he could contact me and bring her home.

Last week, I get an email about the kids having a dentist appointment this week, along with all of the details about what he was doing(he had dentist appt for himself and he needed to go with FIL to dr appt), what time he was doing it, and he could not take them, would I? I simply responded with "yes, I will take them".

He bought a new truck last week. When the kids mentioned it Sunday, all I said was "oh really". And, for those that know me well, I didn't use one little bit of sarcasm in that statment!

Then earlier this week, I get a text that he had to go to a wake and he'd call Ladybugs later. Long story short here, is that the text was not necessary. Often she calls & gets no answer. Sometimes he calls back. Sometimes not. He's never bothered with any texts before.

So, night before the dentist appt., DSS tells me he can not go to the dentist because he has finals at school. I simply tell him it's no big deal, he has to do finals, and Drac can simply pay a cancellation fee from the dentist & reschedule the appt. Honestly, what parent doesn't know when their kid has finals? I used to get upset & would have commented. Not this time. Not worth the energy & it's not DSS's fault. I file it in the 'whatever/Drac doesn't change' catagory and move on.

Apparently DSS told Drac what I said, as shortly after the call Drac sent an email saying "Thanks for letting DSS know it's my responsibility to pay a cancellation fee to the dentist".

I laughed out loud when I read it the next morning! Then filed it away.

As always, I sent Drac copies of Ladybug's dentist reports. I know he read the email (read reciepts are great tools to avoid them ever using the excuse of not getting a communication!). A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was Drac!


I hesitated, but answered. He said that he had an early morning meeting today (of course, gave me the details of when & where), and would it be ok if he brought Ladybugs by at 7:30 in the morning. I said ok.

He went on about where he had to go, what time he had to be there, and that if he dropped her by at 7:30, he should be able to make it there on time. Again, I said ok.

He was still mumbling and said how he appreciated it. I said You're welcome. Goodbye. And hung up.

What is that all about? Just like the text, the call was not necessary. It was a request that could easily have been done via text or email.

Silly waywards! The point of all of this is that I've really let go and then suddenly he finds it necessary to call?? PUH-LEASE give me a break!

Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that even in the state that I am in right now over R, time goes on and things eventually DO change. As in *I* will continue to change, grow, and learn. Whatever these men do, they do (or not do, as the case may be).

So, day by day again for me in the pains of the heart. But, I know I shall indeed (someday,,,,,,,,,,maybe,,,,,,,,,somehow,,,,,,,,somewhere) be able/willing to risk it again.

I jokingly told my girlfriend yesterday that the 'next guy' has GOT to be fabulously RICH! I have been through so much that I just KNOW that's what is in store for me! LOL!!!

Honestly, you all know I'd take dirt poor as long as he's FAITHFUL!! I'm sorry to say that right now either one seems as impossible to find as Bigfoot!

Have a great weekend all!

Bugsy:

This line:

Well, my 17 year old son wears size 13.5, so big FEET are easy to find!

And No, I don't have a clue when my son's finals are. That is his job. I set up the appointments, and then we go from there. Usually the appointments are made 6 months in advance, so, we don't have any idea what is happening at school. I say this, even as I reschedule two appointments today due to other school commitments. You throw in the drama department commitments, which change daily, well, so much for a plan...

It will get better.

Your worth it.

LG

Hope everyone is doing well with the holiday season. Mine has been good overall, but a very mixed bag on the emotional side.

Christmas Eve with the kids and family. Christmas morning with the kids. It was fun, but am pretty sure this was our last Santa Christmas for Ladybugs, which makes me a little sad. She is growing up so fast. I had to take them over to Drac's Christmas morning. Ended up having to go back and take the gifts that the kids had forgotten for Drac and his family. I then went back home and had a really good cry.

Christmas Day with my family. We are so blessed to have my Mom's Mother still with us at 99 years old. She still lives alone and is my 'hero'. She is sharp as a tack and has a wicked sense of humor! We are so very thankful for her.

Saturday I helped one of my BFF's setup for her holiday party. 3 girls outside in 19 degree windy weather setting up a tent so that the smokers would have somewhere to go out of the wind. THAT was a hoot! We laughed at ourselves, but were proud to have a fully enclosed tent set up in less than a hour! The party was a success and fun was had by all.

I hosted a Girl's night last night at my house. Friends I've known since kindergarten and friends I've known for less time, , but all great gifts to have in my life.

Honestly, I am still terribly depressed over the demise of my relationship with R. The feelings of betrayal are right now, overwhelming. I'm struggling to rally, but I feel like I'm back where I was 3 years ago, but with less strength to recover.

Twice in my life I have had to pull myself together after being betrayed by the one I loved. I really did not imagine I would be having go through this ever again,,,let alone so soon. I feel like I when go to the 'well' of strength I've called upon in the past, the well is dry.

Despite everything I (and everyone here) has been through, I will still never understand the WHY or HOW anyone can knowingly inflict this kind of pain on another person - Let alone someone that they claim to love.

With R, it was unnecessary for him to go down the path that he did. It was unnecessary for him to continue to make such impassioned claims of love for me. It was unnecessary for him to talk of engagement, moving, and marriage. I wasn't pressuring him to make more of a commitment. Why do this and then days later walk away? I just don't get it.

I know I'm asking questions that will never be answered.

I know I'll get past this, but for now, it just really sucks!! Perhaps by finally admitting just how hurt, crushed, and destroyed I feel, I can find a way to plant my feet at what is the bottom and start to rise from the ashes again.

Thanks for listening to my vent!!

(((bugsmom)))

I am sorry for your hurt. You have strength you just don't see or feel...but we see it. You still have your sense of humor and a great deal of love to give. One day a guy who is worthy of you will know you are a "keeper". Perhaps it was too soon for R? That, I think, will become clear in the future. In the meantime, I am glad you are allowing yourself time to mourn the end of your relationship. Take good care of yourself.

(((Bugs))) so sorry you are hurting my friend. That just suxs.

I have a suggestion for a new vetting process. When the next guy comes along (and there will be another), send him here first and let us have a go at him-- ask him the hard questions, do a background check, hook him up to a polygraph-- do some waterboarding. After it's over, if we all approve, then you'll know you have a keeper.

Just looking out for ya!

Thanks for the kind words, FF. I don't think it was too soon for me. I think it was just the wrong guy. I feel very foolish at having been so decieved,,,but I do not think I could have done anything differently. He is what was wrong - not me.

I've spent the last 2 days in 'mourning'. Seeing R in a picture with his new GF was the final stab to my heart. It took me down for the count and I let it. First day I did nothing but cry. Watched the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You". That was good & bad. Lots of crying, but also lots of stuff for me to apply to my life. Second day was just numb and staring at the television.

Today, am up and doing my best to re-start again. Have shopping to do for tonight's New Year celebration with the kids. They will be home at 6, so my goal is to have myself pulled together by then.



Glad to know you have my back Ms. Meggy!!! You're the best!

I'll share something my sister posted on her facebook page today -



I hope that each and every one of us on here gains some bit of happiness and hope in finding that "Potential" for the coming year! Happy New Year to All!

:happynewyear:

Thanks, Pep!


LOVE what I've read so far and am headed to the book store this afternoon!!

This looks like just the thing for me right now,,,,,,,,,,,,

I am so getting this book. Hilarious!