FF, you know we love you, too!

Wow.

Thank you for posting this.

The other night I searched out your posts from a few years' back. I was curious about your story. And similar to mine, it involved and old girlfriend and many years of deception. According to my H, his never turned physical. I want to believe him. But there was contact off and on for 18 years---unbeknownst to me. She reached out to keep in touch (while married herself) and he took the calls. Says they did the usual updates: how are you/how are the kids, etc. And then in 2005 when we were at a low point, they met at a reunion.

So I was inspired by your story and the happy ending.

A good friend told me, the night I called her hysterical and in tears.

"It's not about her. It's about you and your husband. It's never been about her. It never will be about her."

She was right. The relationship between my husband and me was damaged but even in its damaged state, it was far more than what they thought they had during the EA and way more than they had when they were actually dating.

Thanks again, SMB.

OH, you must have read my first thread where tst had told me lies about an on-and-off affair with this OW.

Truth is there was NO affair at all until Mar. 2007, and it lasted 9 months from start to complete destruction. He led me to believe that he had been in an affair so that he could convince me he didn't love me for all those years. Talk about history rewriting!!!!

It was all bull. If you keep reading my long-winded threads (there are 2 of them), you'll eventually see it all come out.

Very painful bull...as painful as the affair itself because I was stripped of all our happy memories in one swoop.

tst and I (by both our accounts) had a great marriage, not perfect, but pretty sweet, pre-affair. We had done so many things right throughout our marriage. That's what I mean by OW will never know the man I know. My husband was an incredible man to be married to for all those years, and I have HIM (improved) back.

This warms my heart. I so hopemy DH feel the same way. I screwed up BIG TIME, but H is the only - only - man I have ever known who knows me, loves me, and that I care to spend my life loving.

Great post SMB!!

Happy New Year to you and tst.

Hats off to you my dear friend, SMB!!! That was beautiful and oh so true...What a wonderful revelation for the New Year...All the best to you, tst & your children...

Mrs. W

P.S. AND!!! You made me CRY!!! Lucky for you, I've yet to put on my make-up!

SMB, I did read where tst did not have a LTA. But I still identified because this was a girlfriend with whom he had contact early on. I can't recall if you knew about it....I was not only not informed of the sporadic calls, I wasn't even aware this woman was ever a girlfriend. I knew her name and that she was from the same town, but H never mentioned that the relationship morphed in college to bf/gf, lasted a few months, and then almost 7 years later, started up again for a longer period of time and was more serious. He also didn't mention that she flew into town the week before our wedding, told him she'd made a mistake walking out on him to search for her dream husband and now that she'd found and married him, some years later, she made a mistake and asked him to call off the wedding so that she could dump her H and they could ride off into the sunset together.

All I knew was that she was in town the week before our wedding and gave him a call and showed up while he was out with friends. But since I never had reason to suspect she had anything more than a crush on him, I never thought much of it.

And most importantly, he neglected to mention that at some level, at some point in our marriage, he felt....regret?....about letting her go?

Not sure I'll ever resolve that one in my mind, but he's also mentioned he does not/nor ever did, completely trust her. I'd never met her but stumbled upon her FB page recently. Didn't help that she's still drop-dead gorgeous.

But I loved reading your post. I think much of it applies to H and his OW as well. (and us)

Happy New Year!

What a great post, SMB! It is so true!

SMB, I am so, so happy for you.

YES!! You and I talked about this a long time ago, and it really helped me see this as truth with Skald. OW saw how he was with his family and wanted that for herself. Skald completely changed when the A started. She never knew my H - she just knew the alien he had become.

Awesome and very important post!

SMB

:happynewyear:

OH,

I don't mean to nitpick, but no, that's not exactly correct.

OW was tst's girlfriend when he was 15. I was his girlfriend at 18. He runs his own business and OW came in as a customer at 2 different times in during our 19-year marriage. While in his business those two times, they would "catch up" on life. Both times he came home and told me that she had stopped in.

Then she came in a third time, and actively pursued him. And he didn't mention her to me at all.

So she was a non-issue in our marriage until 2007. Just another customer. But because tst didn't have EPs in place, our marriage was not protected from an evil, strategizing, manipulating, conning OW. Even when tst told her he loved me, she continued to pursue and was very manipulative in asking him "yeah, but haven't you been hurt at some time in the marriage?"

UGH!

OH, whether our stories have similarities or not, there is always a chance for recovery. I believe that being FIRM was critical to saving our marriage. I kicked tst out immediately when I found out there was an active affair. I refuse to share him...ever!

Know your boundaries and ENFORCE them, even if it seems that will bring about your worst nightmare.

((((((SMB)))))),

Quite beautiful, my friend. The strength and grace in which you possess is boundless....you've always been a inspiration to me....(you too TST!!!!)

The best to you and yours in 2010....



not2fun

Thank you Not! That was a very sweet compliment.

I have seen you grow so very much in your recovery and when I see you post to a new BS, I know they are in good hands. I remember wanting to bang my head on my computer back when your WH would not get rid of his apartment. I was screaming at you--because I was soooooo very concerned for you.

Your story is just as inspiring as any here.

(((((Not))))

Well then...I'll have to say that the similarity would end at both OWs being manipulative, sly little beoyatchs and leave it at that.

Besides, I'm not at all sure that I have the patience and diligence to work this program and come out the other side....whether or not I want this marriage. I have lots of thinking of my own to do and I'm 3 years post EA!

But not to drag your thread down. Your/tst's story is an inspiration to me nonetheless.

Happy New Year.

Maybe he never had her, as well.

Whatever he had in her wasn't worth having. Maybe it was the "authentic" scumb bucket or maybe she morphed into an alien, too.

Don't know.

Don't care.

Exactly. These folks are unrecognizable, except the ones that are like this to the bone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the beautiful post which reminded me that my FWH is again the man I married. I plan to share this with him. I needed to see your words of wisdom and so does he.

GY

I try to not venture over here in SaA too much, I'm so glad I took a gander, cuz I saw this.

And this is awesome SMB!

A great reminder that we didn't lose anything to the OP.

Thank you.

very cool poem.... very well written... thank you for sharing!