You're doing fine.

I sure wish you would have, though. Once in a while, they really DO need some consequences. Pointing out NON-marriage actions is not an LB. It is fighting affairs. Perfectly acceptable in Plan A.

Plan A question: [Talk about Domestic Support....]

Okay, ww works at 2:30, leaves at 1:30 (till 7:30p).
That leaves 5.5 hours for this SAHM to do something around the house that would benefit the family.
Not one thread of laundry done, even though she has 2 weeks worth of clothes from the trip piling up.

This has DJ and AO written all over it, but I'm thinking Plan A doesn't allow for a firm cross examination as to what exactly she does while I'm at work putting bread on the table.

MB friends, I know this probably isn't a big deal in the grand scheme, but a little encouragement would be much appreciated. I'm seathing inside, but really want to stick with Plan A.

Is this just normal Taker-in-Charge/Entitled/ww behavior???
Should I try to lovingly bring it up, or just do it and leave it alone??

opt

How do you lovingly bring it up? Phrase it with a suggestion of what you need, not what she is or isn't doing.

"How would you feel if we did some laundry together?"

"How can I help you around the house tonight?"

"I'd love it if we worked together on housecleaning tonight."

Two points:
1. Make it something you are doing TOGETHER. Deposit some Love Units.
2. Do not demand, be disrespectful, or angry to her. Do not point out her faults in any way. Express it only as your preference, that you are willing to do your part, and you want to HELP her... not replace her, and not force her to do anything against her will.

You want to make her drool over the husband you can be, and use that "contrast effect" to maximum advantage.

You have the Home Field Advantage.

The Other Man never did her laundry.

Barnboy, I know you've heard this before but you are great!

I will definitely use those suggestions; it's exactly the perspective I was looking for.

As it turns out I had a bit of a false alarm - just talked to ww and she reports having fallen asleep after the kids left for school and crashed until work . I am inclined to believe her since she did have a pretty strenuous trip with a full 24 hours of travel only 2 days ago. Also, her computer hx checks out.

Certainly, I am totally embarrassed
But let's face it, this is how LBs often happen, by rushing to judgement.
I hope this post (and BB's advice) helps more than just me (i.e. I hope I'm not the only fool to fall victim to their own emotional nature).

Thanks again BB.

opt

Wow how insane can a ww be?
[POM#2= Potential Other Man # Two, I have my own acronym]

With all my strength and faith in the strategies learned here, I believe I navigated a couple more minefields last night.

Asked ww about her sentiment that my �reading all those books and using the chat rooms� was �freaking her out.�
Various foggy answers like �you�re so regimented, �it seems like a cult, �I�m not like that, and never will be, �I follow my heart, �all your efforts (like the letters) are OVERWHELMING, �I feel like you�re trying to MANIPULATE me�
After some more questions and no reactions, I got �see, this is why we don�t get along, because you never just know what I�m trying to say.� That�s what I get for trying for once to legitimately communicate and really understand what she�s saying without judging or imposing any of my beliefs on her (how many wives would love to have a man interested enough to even listen to them for 10 minutes?). I really think she was actually just getting frustrated because the more she talked the less sense she made and she probably realized she was talking herself into knots, but I�m not assuming or expecting anything; just theorizing. Anyway, it�s still mostly foggy babble and I�m just listening and hoping the fog clears.

I can see how she might think I am trying to manipulate her to some extent. Putting the pictures of our wedding in the hallway, I thought to myself �this way she�ll be reminded she�s married every time she comes in the door.� The LB of changing her FB status was definitely manipulation and mostly with a target of POM#2 � guilty as charged, but again, I think I made a point and it was worth the risk. The difference last night was that I never apologized for my actions � I think that is having an effect. MLane and other vets say a ww wants their H to stand up to the A and take bold, unrepentant actions; I have found strength in that.

One positive that came from the conversation was that I asked her what would be more appealing to her (than the daily letters sent while she was gone for 15 days out of the country/beyond possible communication�). She said �ACTIONS.� So I turned into Briar Rabbit and replied in the affirmative �you�re right, we should only go by each other�s actions, not words.� I felt like I made good use of an opportunity there. Later in the evening (see next post), the theme would be repeated. I hope to keep going back to it. My ww has a moral code somewhere deep down in there (and she values honesty), I�m hoping all this helps her remember what it was before she went into fantasy/fog land. If she knows I�m looking at her actions, she may shake off some of the lying and deceitfulness. Just a hope, NOT and EXPECTATION.

Either way, she seemed up-beat after this conversation. Hopefully she is again realizing that she can talk to me without being EVALUATED as I have done in the past.

�UP-BEAT enough to lead to the next chapter in the saga that happened later that evening. [stay tuned]


opt

You are not manipulating her. In MB-speak, you are changing YOUR behavior.

How she chooses to behave is her own deal.

So, in this apparently uplifted state, she feels it appropriate to phone POM#2, in my presence, and invite him to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
[Somebody please tell me it�s at least a good sign that she�s not sneaking around behind my back doing this.]
As far as I know from my info gathering, she has NOT spoken with him since she returned. I believe this is significant.
She then proceeds to get all jubilated that she is going shopping and tries to elicit encouragement from me with �high five.�
At this point, I know I�m in for a Plan A Test on this one.
So, I explain that while I�m happy she�s going shopping, I wished that she was going with me. She picks up the vibe and starts in with �you aren�t still jealous about POM#2, are you?!�
We then get into a deep discussion about my FEELINGs being hurt and my concern about his intentions. I stick to my guns every time she tries to embattle me and bait me into a LB by reiterating that I�m not trying to control her behavior, I just don�t trust people like I used to after �what I�ve been through� for the last several months. The fog-babble reached a new level. �I�ve always been this way, I�ve always had male friends in my life,�if you can�t understand that then this is not going to work, �He is like a girlfriend to me, �he would never pursue anything with me, � he just compliments me to make me feel good just like any other friend would, my friends are like my cheerleaders to me,� (I told her I could go for a few cheerleaders in my life, preferably between the ages of 25 and 30).
I just tried to continue to come back to my feeling that he was attracted to her (which he is) and that I didn�t feel safe with the idea of her going shopping with him. I also asked her if she would tell me if he came to her and said he had �feelings for her.� She said yes. I don�t believe it for a second, but at least she has the thought in her head.

Ultimately, because she is stubborn, defiant, and enveloped in a self-righteous, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-centered, fantasy she persisted with the appointment and will be going shopping with this loser, former friend, today.

But I feel I made my point. And I think that her ego would not let her back down, but knowing my wife, the NEXT time, she�ll think twice. She won�t make it obvious, but she�ll try to respect me and then make it look like it was HER OWN idea.

Anyway, as this thing develops I will continue to put pressure on the situation in any way I can. I will do what I can to disrupt the impending A, or at least inappropriate activity without LBing because I have a right to my feelings too. I will take any suggestions about how I can �break up� future �appointments,� but at this point, I�m thinking of giving POM#2 a call in the next couple of days to ask him what his INTENTIONS are with my wife. I figure that will let him know I�m not a party to his accepting invitations from her. I believe, as I�ve said before, he actually has a shred of class. I also wonder if there�s anyway to do a mini-exposure with her friends, to see if they might have any influence.�input would be appreciated.

I almost feel silly going over this stuff here because of so many with wayward spouses who blatantly carry on open sexual affairs right in front of their BS�s. I think of my friends Limbo, and Linus, Fred, and so many threads I�ve been reading from the vets as well.
But I don�t want this apparently relatively benign situation to evolve. And honestly, I found the strength to not break down in these past few conversations purely BECAUSE of the horrendous situations I�ve read about here. I feel like I�m fighting fog and fighting adultery partly for so many in the same, similar, or past situations.

Lo-and-Behold, last night, she actually went to bed in our bed and stayed there. Could this be a sign that she�s feeling safer and able to talk to me? (I still don�t really know what a ww is trying to tell her BH when they insist on sleeping in a separate room�could anyonw help me with this?). Prior to going to sleep we all watched idol together on the bed like the old-days. She seemed somehow content. She left her phone out on the counter.

Next Plan A re-evaluation on Jan 22 (2 months full with minimal LB's - unless I goof up before then).

opt

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!...this is NOT appropriate behavior for a MARRIED WOMAN. EVER. And no it is NOT a "good" sign that she's doing it in FRONT OF YOU....She has lost all RESPECT for you......

Why would this be significant?...she just got back. Barely 48 hrs., and she is calling this man??...

YOur wife is a self-indulged, spoiled brat...



QUIT LISTENING TO HER....She is a wayward, foggy snot....You listening to her is like listening to a fallen down drunk!!!!......

NONE of this above is part of Plan A. None of it. She is doing what she wants and when you object, she spins you round and round.....

Ultimately, because she is stubborn, defiant, and enveloped in a self-righteous, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-centered, fantasy she persisted with the appointment and will be going shopping with this loser, former friend, today.


which was??????


No she won't. She is not THINKING at all about YOU. Not one ounce!!!.....


Of course she was content. She got what she wanted....she is cake-eatting to the fullest!!!!!

She has whatever fun she wants to have with OM'S and YOU at home taking care of everything....who the heck wouldn't want that????!!!!....ESPECIALLY a WAYWARD....

You need to get ready for Plan B. Because, to me, there isn't ANYTHING that is gonna wake your WIFE up except a good kick of reality.....

not2fun

ps....If your wife is working, she is NOT a SAHM. SAHM do not have jobs outside of the home. It matters not if her hours aren't the "normal" daytime working hours......

pss.....I know I was harse, but your wife is just ticking me off and I know for me, that all this crap she has been spewing at you, I wouldn't have kept myself in check. She is sticking the knife in over and over....it's time you ACT to the trauma

Next Plan A re-evaluation on Jan 22 (2 months full with minimal LB's - unless I goof up before then).

opt
[/quote]

What not said.

Go ahead and call POM#2. Let him know what the new BH is going to do if he finds out they go ANYWHERE together again. Tell him he is welcome to come to the house - WHEN YOU ARE THERE, TOO. Otherwise, kindly hang out with other single people.

Okay, N2F. Your feedback well received and highly respected as usual.


I felt like I have been making some progress in my ability to express my feelings without LBing, and making her feel heard. FWIW, in retrospect and by comparison, I can't even imagine the lack of respect she used to have for me.


So, I'm up against this question again. Not sure how to Plan B without proof of an active entrenched affair. Most of the Plan B's I've read about here are pretty involved as such. My ww is spoiled, no doubt. It just all seems too nebulous to me to go to such drastic measures as to move out and establish NC with ww and everything else that goes along with Plan B. I also understand Plan B to be utilized in circumstances when the BS's Love Bank is almost dry. I'm not sure I'm there yet. I really want to see how this progresses.
I'll definitely keep my thread updated and if it starts getting that close, I'll be looking for big advice on how to implement Plan B.

opt

This infuriates me, because my wayward used EXACTLY these same lines on me months before D-Day.

Think about the Love Bank. Think about exclusive needs-meeting. If that other man is meeting her need, then she's going to fall in love with him like OM#1. It's inevitable. It's the way humanity works. She doesn't feel in love with him today, maybe he's just at 500 Love Bank units and her threshold for romantic love is 1000 (or maybe 600 when she's drunk). But if he deposits love units long enough, she WILL fall in love with him.

Rather than trying to educate her on this fact, perhaps a different tack. "Sweetheart, in order for us to turn our marriage into a fantastic marriage, I feel it's important for us to spend our most enjoyable moments together. I'd love to spend these most enjoyable moments with you rather than with anyone else. Come on, let's go shopping together."

Find a sitter, head out, enjoy some shopping. Shopping with my wife deposits MASSIVE amounts of Love Units... and it's something I used to hate, but once I changed my attitude about it and realized it was Recreational Activity for my wife, I tolerate it much better

Opt,

The thing is do YOU want a marriage where your wife is running around, acting all hoochy, putting "looking for" on her FB, basically, do you want you wife the way she is RIGHT NOW???

I can't think of ONE man who would say yes to that question. Re-read all of the posts YOU have written. What you think if one of your guy friends told you about his wife behaving like this???....

Go into the Newsletters section and read "When to call it quits".....





Ok, I had to look up "nebulous" to figure out what the heck you meant. To me you are saying you are too scared to do this. I understand this. Heck ya its a crap shoot. She may say "see ya". BUT.....

The thing is your wife reminds me of my sister and mom. And YOU remind me of my dad and BIL. If you look up doormat, you'll find their pictures. My mom had 3, yes THREE affairs. She threw my dad out a 2 years ago. He still remodels the house, takes care of everything in it, pays MOST of the bills, takes care of the cars. And where is he?...Living with his parents at 56yrs of age.

He wants to reconcile, she doesn't (she is not currently in an affair, but she is so wayward, I need a lighthouse everytime I see her....). He won't divorce her for religious reasons, she won't divorce him, why?.....why would she??....she has him gone, doing whatever whenever she wants, and him STILL meeting some of her needs.

Him, he's getting SQUAT.

This will be your future my friend, UNLESS you take action NOW!!!


Most BS'S don't know when "almost" dry is. By the time that they do, they are done with the marriage. When I read about the crap your WW is spewing at you, I have to cringe. All the effort you put into those letters, and for her to come out with this "manipulation" stuff.....

You are near the time to decide which way you want this to go.......but much longer of Plan A and you will only be in Plan Doormat...aka, Plan C....

not2fun

Well N2fun, you�ve certainly given me plenty of things to consider. I�ve been somewhat discouraged for the last few days.

You�re right about a lot of things.

A Plan B (or D) might indeed be eminent. Of course before I do that, I�ll have a lot of preparations to make. In fact given the magnitude of the situation, I don�t think doing anything without reasonable preparation is advised. Agreed?

So I need to present a couple of questions to make sure I�m clear.

My understanding of Plan A is that it can last up to 6 months after exposure, even during an active full blown, totally entrenched A. My exposure was October 28 and that A is over with last contact on Nov 30 (6 weeks). Since I did such a poor job with Plan A in the beginning, I consider it to have started on Nov 22 (7 weeks). I am also of the impression that fogbabble is to be IGNORED as fantastical musings. It seems that jumping into Plan B based on a bunch of spewed crap would be entirely reactionary. While some of it does hurt, I�m trying to avoid being reactionary.

Of note: Cat had suggested back in Nov that, due to the circumstances of my own past adultery being revealed as recently as 11/11, my Plan A should probably extend from �6 months maybe up to a year.�

Now, my Plan A is supposed to be for cutting through fog and providing an environment that ww will miss when Plan B is implemented (or D/B). I think I�m dealing with pretty thick fog here. I know you�re not advocating immediate shift, but I think you envision the time-table moved up. I�m not sure why. 6 or 7 weeks of NC and fog-busting is really not that much, from stuff I�ve read here. In retrospect, even though I wasn�t having A�s for the last 8 years, I resembled a foggy wayward to the extent that I wasn�t really invested in the M (didn�t really know how to do that until MB, we co-existed). For years I drank regularly, not to excess, but enough not to be totally invested in my R. I also used internet porn regularly to supplement W�s low libido (since MB, I see all that differently). In Oct the porn habit was obiliterated. Haven�t drank since Nov 22. Two to three of months of Plan A really doesn�t seem fair after 8 years of a lack-luster ignorant approach to marriage, KWIM?

I totally understand your point that the resentment is building daily and she makes regular withdrawals. However, I truly believe that I can (and should, given my extraordinary contribution to the current state of our marriage) tolerate a considerable amount more than average. I feel that I owe it to myself and my W, and our M to exhibit saint-like patience. She also isn�t especially intolerable to be around most of the time, there�s even an occasional deposit into the loveBank.

Having said that, I am not a saint. I know there will be a limit to the amount of disappointment I can endure. I have no intention of moving in with my parents at 56 or 46 or any other age. I will not be a doormat throughout the Plan A process. I don�t believe that is part of Plan A. I intend to make every effort to disrupt any further A-like activity and behavior. She doesn�t like it at all when I question her and challenge her on her associations; but it does have an impact on her thinking. It may even �push her away� like she says, but if it pushes her out the door and into D, I�m ready to live with that to keep my dignity intact.


Each perceived attempt to develop a second A is met with considerable, and considerate resistance. Thursday night I again (at 11pm) questioned her on the R with POM#2. She knows where I stand (that�s what I meant with �made my point� in previous post). She knows it�s not going to be me standing down and letting her proceed �as she wishes.� This is totally different than the last A she had. The fantasy of this potential A is already being pulled out from under her as we speak. Friday I had a conversation with POM#2. He knows my feelings � the fantasy for him is at least diminished. I learned from the summer and MB. He�s promised not to cultivate the relationship and as a friend, I wouldn�t be surprised if he honors that. Of course I�ll continue to monitor the activity to the utmost of my ability and go by actions not words. I�m not Plan C�ing as much as you think, N2F.

Friday night she threw a house party for her friend�s birthday. In the past it would have been a perfect excuse to invite the neighbor (pom#2) over, even as the night went on � that did not happen this time.

Fortunately for me, he is about 45 days from a foreclosure on his house. His mother left it for him and his drug-addicted brothers and they have yet to come up with any financial contribution towards the mortgage. He�s �disabled� and doesn�t work. His proximity might not be an issue by March/April.

I also feel that my Plan A is gradually helping ME build strength. I have been developing confidence in my ability to withstand the fog-babble, not LB, and stand up to the potential 2nd A. My strength and confidence in myself grows as I resist temptations to drink, spend more time with family (including in-laws) and introspect, which includes writing here and getting feedback. My recon is okay, and will only improve. I need more Plan A, for me.

There have been steps in the right direction. I truly believe ww is starting to develop some trust in my ability to listen without judging her. We have had some good conversations with undistracted time. This is not going to be a revelation � it took us a long time for our relationship to get to this point of disarray and I think continued diligence along with patience is needed for now.

Am I scared to go to Plan D/B? Of course! It�s completely impractical for one. And I really don�t have the money to move out. I don�t know how to get her out. Regardless, it�s a monumental step and I really feel I�ll have to have my ducks in a row (financial, child care, lawyers, who-knows-what-else, etc.) prior- that could take weeks. Presumably those weeks would require a continued simultaneous Plan A.

So, where am I going wrong?



opt

You're not.

You're doing wonderfully well.

Lesson learned. Again.

Big conversation last night with ww which starts with �can we talk?�
I figured I was in for about anything but agreed and quickly gave myself a little MB �pep talk� in my head.

So I got to hear more about how we�re just �heading in different directions.� I�m becoming more �conservative� and she�s more �liberal.� [I guess by conservative she means I believe that marriage is between TWO people.]

As it went on I just kept catching knuckleballs. No reactions, no judgments, no arguments.

She brought up the Facebook thing again (I had changed her status when she left her computer open � from �no relationship� to �married� amoung a few other little "improvements"). She stated that it was an extremely inappropriate and disrespectful thing to do. I agreed and let her know that I let my emotions get the best of me, that I just was trying to do what I thought was best for our marriage, etc.
She went on to reiterate a previous sentiment that �I�m keeping her a prisoner in this marriage� and �I treat her like property.� The FB thing was definitely an act of proprietary license, I recognize that. You guys told me I messed up and I knew there would be ramifications/consequences, so I guess that�s what�s going on. Given my past, I suppose it was a bigger LB than I care to imagine. Given the actual CONTEXT (her advertising herself as unmarried) the LB road is going both ways on this one and I�m quite certain she recognizes that on some level. Still, I certainly should have handled it differently! I wish I had. But I guess we move on.

Also I got to hear how she�s not �attracted� to me, she doesn�t �like,� me and she wouldn�t �date� me. I�m not interesting and I don�t have any dreams (I told her I do have a dream � that we would have a mutually enjoyable relationship based on honesty and trust). Apparently the only thing I have going for me is that I�m �good looking� (Well, at least I got ONE compliment, lol).
She said �I�ll stay miserable in this marriage if that�s what is good for the kids�.blah,blah,blah- (can�t remember the rest.)� All I heard was that she wasn�t jumping ship, so I feel there�s still hope if I can continue to Plan A relentlessly.
Oh, and I was criticized for being so �religious� (I�ve been going to church weekly for 3 months, always been catholic). And I�ve joined a �cult� (that would be MB, pass the coolaide).
Again, I did a real, real, REAL good job not reacting.

These �conversations� have historically ended VERY badly with lots of resentment and glazing over real issues; accusations, judgments, and bringing up ancient history. Typically I would walk away feeling defeated, frustrated and extremely injured; as well as regretful for saying hurtful things and reacting.

But not this time. Just listened. And God bless her little wayward heart, it was a totally different scene for the rest of the night. She was somewhat cheerful and even smiled occasionally. I read to both kids for an hour and she got some down time. Then I offered to let her have the �big� bed alone (something I rarely do, as I won�t be kicked out of my own bed) as a gesture of peace. She DECLINED and stayed in our bed. (she even said �goodnight.� lol).

So, I have to point out to anyone who is following along and might not be too familiar with Plan A: NO LOVEBUSTERS. Above, you can see how my ww used the ONE LB I�ve had in almost 2 months to hang her hat on for this conversation/confrontation. It started with resentment and festered for a couple of days before she finally brought it up (again). She�s not going to see the 2 months of almost spotless protection I�ve offered her, she�s foggy. She�s going to use the one incident to justify her sentiment that �see, we were never meant to be together.�

On the positive side, I really think the navigation through these conversations is a huge deposit into her emotional love bank. I have a LOT of work to do to show her that she can trust me. She really has NO reason to think that she can really share things with me based on my typical reactions in the past. Two or three conversations isn�t going to get it done either. I have a LONG road ahead of me.

Funny thing is that the insults really don�t hurt that much. From reading here, I know it�s mostly fog blather. I also feel really convicted in what I�m doing, knowing I�m right gives me the confidence to stare down these ridiculous claims and not take them to heart. In the meantime, I also take it into consideration as there is probably a kernel of truth there- gives me more to work on! J

I suppose she could be quite threatened by my change of belief system. Let�s see, in the last 3 months I have:
Not drank since Nov 22, not used porn since October, gone to church weekly, stopped swearing (pretty much) around the house, stopped with angry outbursts, stopped criticizing things/people, look & smell good everyday � started wearing my contacts �cause she likes my eyes, am home 6 of 7 nights (previously 3-4), etc. Boy, based on that I guess I�m a real sonofabitch, huh?

Seriously, these cumulative changes could be quite daunting. She also has no reason to think they will last, given my history. So, she must feel like she�s on really unfamiliar ground and that must be tough. She said last night she wishes we could just go back to the way things were, when we were both disengaged in the M. Not sure what that means (help please?), except that right now she�s uncomfortable.

I suppose part of it is that she is recognizing that she�s not going to be able to carry on her little adulterous fantasy behaviors with impunity or without restriction anymore is a bit of a frustration as well.

Sometimes I wonder how she stayed with me this long. In the end she may leave me. Maybe we aren�t �compatible.� Maybe she�ll never embrace �cultish� MB concepts. Maybe she�ll eventually move on to find to search out that Romeo who can let her live the life of freedom she wants and travel the world carelessly. I can�t control her or her reaction to my trying to be the best person/husband/father I can be. In the end this experience is shaping me in ways that would have never been possible without the introspection and self-analysis that has occurred since my world was turned upside down.

Plan A all the way. No LB's. Consistency.

opt

lol, like I said, you are doing wonderfully well.

She wants it back the old way - disengaged and you being a jerk - because then she has an EXCUSE (in her mind) to have an A. If you're a jerk, she deserves to find happiness elsewhere. But if you're the greatest H out there, well, what she's doing is pretty darn disgusting.

You terrible person, you!

Opt, you're doing great. I found out (the hard way) the same thing you did - LBs REALLY set things back. It's almost like the WW is looking for an excuse to go backward, and LBs by us give them what they want.

She is still very foggy, so you're getting a lot more crap than you deserve.

"Plan A all the way. No LB's. Consistency." Well said!

Thanks folks. I'm trying. It's the fight of my life, that's for sure. I told my son today that I'm fighting my heart out for our family, for him, his sister, mother and me. No matter how this turns out, I really want him to understand I did all I could.

I think I might be getting the hang of Plan A.

Last night ww informed me that her work schedule had moved back a couple of hours. I immediately voiced some frustration over the fact that the reason she has this job is so that she can be home with the kids, but if she�s going in at 2 and home at 7:30, it defeats the purpose. She got frustrated and stated �you�re digging your own grave� (presumably by putting pressure on her, but I didn�t pursue it obviously b/c I was too upset for it to end well). Wayward bullsh!t but also indicative of a theory I describe below*.

So, after I thought about it I realized one of my main concerns with the schedule shift is that this gives her even more time to engage in her little nefarious fantasy adultery. So, I decided to voice that concern to her in a respectful way.

�I realized that my concern about your schedule actually has more to do with the fact that, after what happened last summer, I equate you being home with you cheating on me. And my immediate thought is that with 3 extra hours, you�ll simply have more time to commit adultery.�

So she responds with some level of sincerity (as much as a lying wayward can muster) �okay, tomorrow I�ll keep a list of all the adulterous, secretive behaviors I engage in and give it to you when you get home.�

Obviously that was a bunch of hooey, but I was encouraged because it opened up a dialogue about her adultery that has previously been totally blocked. I explained �how much it would mean to me� �and how important it was for (her) to be totally honest with me.�


Here�s the rub:
I think something is up. I just can feel it in her behavior. I also think she�s getting into a sense of security and possibly sloppy. She�s sleeping in our bed and leaving her phone out. I don�t know, I just sense she�s ready to try to go into a serious cake-eating mode. *It�s almost like she�s resolved to try to �wait me out� or something, like it�s a battle of wills for who will give up on the marriage first. Meanwhile, I just don�t think she�ll be able to resist temptations (e.g. OM trying to re-establish contact, etc). She doesn�t have a plan. She doesn�t have the support I do.

She�s going to mess up and it might be soon.

MB community. When this happens I want to be prepared for it. Tell me now what to do.
A second exposure? (if so, believe me it will be massive and precise this time). Plan B? Plan D? Can I expose on a casual �hello� or do I need specific proof. How about an accidentally undeleted incoming/outgoing phone call? Do I let it roll until it's substantial?
I really really don't want to blow my sources, since I only have a couple including her phone account PW (it gives me number of texts daily, no other info) and checking her adultery phone log (for whatever she forgets to delete).

I�ve already pre-empted by speaking to my DS13 about adultery (over the w/e I gave him an explanation of how marriages work and how adultery works). Today, I explained the importance of ww not being in contact with OM and how that would be like a knife in my heart, an extreme show of disrespect, and that I would not allow him to grow up in an environment where one family member was abusing another with wanton disregard for their feelings.

Any further advice will be appreciated.

opt

Wow how quickly things change around here in wayward fog world!

[NotTooFun, I'm afraid I have to admit, YOU WERE RIGHT]

Stayed home from work today due to being up all night contemplating that "something was up" - (see previous post).

WW not home when I arrived shortly after she dropped off daughter8 at school. So I wait a few minutes and call her. She reports that "I'm having coffee with POM#2." We say our goodbyes and she comes home within 10 minutes. I have already resolved not to talk to her as I was too upset. But she insists on talking to me through a locked door. I did pretty well keeping my cool and stating only feelings and how she had broken my heart, she was lying by omission, that I had previousely voiced my concern about this "friendship" (to no avail) and on and on. She sees fit to report that "He is a friend, I have coffee with him 3-4 times a week!"
HOLY CRAP!!
Then it turns out it's not even in public! It's at his HOUSE!
She is unrepentant and believes I'm making "ridiculous demands"
I say if his "friendship is more important than our marriage, so be it."


Well, I've had it. That was the last withdrawal from a very depleted love bank. She's a serial cheater and will never "get it." I've given up on her and have serious doubt that she'll ever reform.

Now I need to know what to do next. And fast. I'm home for the day.

I want to go to the bank and have all my financial assetts (what few there are) transferred to my own account. I'm going to scrape together every bit of loose change in the house.
I plan to sell my truck (her mode of transportation - the title is in my name) for a retainer.

I have a lawyer but I didn't retain her. She said she's busy in Jan/Feb, I'm hoping for the best. I don't mind it dragging out. I just became totally unattached from anything she does from this point on.

I will have a realestate person come and assess the house's value. I did some quick math last week and think I can get into a 30 year mortgage for now on something with at least two bedrooms.

She has the 10g she stole from our account after the exposure. I just looked at her screen and she was looking up apartments. Maybe she'll walk right into a Plan B!!! But I'm still going to get ready to file.

HELP!!! Let me know what to do to make this as straightforward as possible.

I'll try to set up an appointment with SH for next week too; I'm sure he'll be thrilled.