If the OM comes near your home, I would train your pistol on him and call the police to come get him. But don't allow him to set foot on your property. EVER AGAIN.

First you have to get this filth out of your home and then you can decide what to do about the pregnancy. Some men have stayed with their WW's and raised their illegitimate children, others cannot. I could not possibly do that, but others have.

But first things first.

"she thought I was being selfish for kicking my best friend out of my home, especially since she has known me to be a man of my word and someone who values promises and comittments."

First of all, he isn't your "best friend". She is the selfish one here, and clearly knows nothing about keeping her word; not to mention her marriage vows (promises and commitments). I think she's trying to transfer blame to you. I wouldn't for one second feel guilty about kicking him out.

Your rage and depression stem from your INACTION and from drinking. Taking action to protect yourself and your marriage will alleviate your depression. Drinking, OF COURSE AS YOU KNOW, causes depression. DUH! I would be depressed too if I couldn't count on myself to help myself in my time of need and instead hid out in a bottle.

The worst thing you could do is LEAVE. Don't leave. Stay there and make damn sure that man does not enter your home again. Call the police and have him removed if he sets foot on your property and file a restraining order.

I would suggest that he start that process NOW, rather than wait for the next episode. At the very least, the police report should be filed.

If he waits, I would not be surprised when, if he leaves the house for any reason, he finds himself locked out, with OM and WW inside his home, on his return.

I'm assuming of course the OM doesn't have the audacity to remain in his home now while his WW has disappeared.

That is some amazingly manipulative bullcrap. Is she also an alcoholic? She sounds like one of those spouses who manipulate her alcoholic by constantly throwing up his crimes whenever challenged. Psychologists call this "secondary gain," a way of keeping a spouse in control with perpetual punishment. As a recovering alcoholic with 24 years sobriety, I have seen some amazing abuse done by the spouse of the alcoholic, including an entitlement attitude about having affairs. Your wife believes she is entitled to abuse you because she put up with so much, right?

In the case study below, the spouse continually threw his wife's affair in her face as means to control and punish her years after her affair:

entire article here

MIM is exactly right about this. Holy crap, it just occurred to me she can have you removed from your home in handcuffs by saying she is scared of you. I would heed his advice. It is so obvious that the goal is to eject you from your home so the OM can replace you in your bed. This pair is exceptionally cruel and brazen, and you are going to have to do everything in your power to protect yourself. I would not be surprised if your WW is down filing a claim on you - for domestic abuse - right now.

You had better call the police before she does that and you find yourself removed from your own home.

I am very worried about this guy.

Noonday, let me add my voice to the chorus. I did a lot of things wrong when my WW acted like yours, but the ONE THING I did right was to make HER leave. She moaned and complained that she had no place to go (couldn't move in with the OM you see, because he was married and renting a room elsewhere), and so I put up with her cake eating for nearly five weeks.

But I went to a lawyer, drew up a Separation and Property Settlement Agreement (SPSA) that she signed (apparently without reading, I think) that required her to move out. In the weeks since, she's had to start looking for work, for a place to stay, and how to make ends meet without "sugar daddy" H paying her way for everything.

I am writing this from my hotel room in Reykjavik, Iceland, where I decided to holiday for the New Year's Eve bash. Yes, it's costing me a pretty penny, but you know what? Without having to spend everything on WW, I can afford it!

Yes, it sucks that the women we thought were "the One" for us, and the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with resorted to throwing us under the bus (and yes, my WW and OM are both in A.A., too). What I've found is that my A.A. sponsor, my A.A. sponsees, my new Al-Anon sponsor, and my newfound "marital sponsors" -- the folks here at MB -- are all the support and foundation I need and more. They have helped me see and work through my own fog, not to mention hers, and I am beginning to heal.

I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that I can just take care of myself, love myself, and be the best person I can be. The rest will work its way out. God doesn't need my help in making the sun set, and that's about as helpful as I can be getting into WW head or OM's world.

Do this for yourself. Everything you do from now on should be with the following focus: Saving your sanity and recovering your marriage. And if you can't do the latter, at least you can do the former.

Stay with us. God bless.

So am I.

This is probably going against what you've been told here. I think the best thing for you is to get out of this toxic relationship and environment. It is toxic to you, you sanity, your health, your recovery. Speak to a lawyer first before you do anything (to protect your assets).

Gg

The solution is to remove the cause of the toxicity from his own home, not to run from it. If he follows this advice and runs away, the OM will simply take his place in his own home, in his own bed and he will have to pay the mortgage while the OM sleeps in his bed and wears his clothes. I cannot think of a MORE toxic, sanity threatening scenario.

The reason he is so distraught and depressed is because he has not protected himself from this assault and because he has been drinking again. The solution is to protect himself by removing this interloper from his home and to stop drinking. NOT to step aside and allow EVIL to prevail in his own home.

He needs to fight for his marriage and his home, not hand it over to a very evil man without a fight.

I'm sorry this is one situation where we're going to disagree. I think the risk of him remaining with his WW and the environment is more lethal to him than filing for D and selling the house. He's already returned to alcohol.

Gg

Disagree. And I say this as a recovering alcoholic with 24 years sobriety. The worst thing he can do is run away. What has led to his drinking is allowing the situation to continue like this and not protecting himself. He has already been running away by hiding out in a bottle like a typical alcoholic. More of the same will not be the solution. Adding more problems [homelessness, disadvantage in court] will not help, it will just weaken him more.

Running away and allowing the OM to take his place while he pays the mortgage will not resolve the problem, it will make it worse.

And Noon, keep in mind that if you leave for a "vacation" as your sponsor suggested, it is very likely you won't be allowed back in the house. Your WW and her lover will simply change the locks and you will have to get a court order to get back in. If you CAN get back in, that is. While you are gone, you can rest assured the OM will be sleeping in your bed and wearing your clothes while you pay the bills. <----that is what you get if you leave. How will that be for your sanity?

To begin to feel better in a situation in which you feel everything is out of control, you must to take control of the things that ARE in your control.

Taking positive action to protect himself and his home is his best choice now.

Inaction, procrastination or surrender will simply fuel his feelings of inadequacy.

IMVHO.

I hope you are correct and I'm wrong. He's had a crap marriage for 15 years. His WW has been going to counseling blaming him for the state of M. She manipulates him with guilt and shame. She starts A and now expects him to support her and OC on PT Fireman's salary. He's managed to stay drug free for 6 years and sober for 4 years. He's returned to drinking. I hope he can take control and that this M is worth saving. I don't see it but it's just one person's POV. I think WW is more of a problem that extends A.

Gg

I actually agree with you wrt his M. Boinking his supposed BF in their home is bad enough. But to do it while he's there and to continue to do it in their home after discovery, well, that's not really the type of nasty character one would want to spend the rest of their life with IMO. However, that's the BH's choice to make, not ours.

IMO, he doesn't have to lose his home as well as his M, and I'm giving my advice with this in mind.

Count me as another vote for staying IN your home, noonday...You must stand and fight - defend yourself and your home...Do NOT roll over and give OM YOUR LIFE...Your time is NOW...

Quote

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes,you may be able to stand your ground, and
after you have done everything, to STAND.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Ephesians 6:11-18 (NIV)

Don't forget noonday, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Mrs. W

AGree. I don't necessarily believe he can save his marriage. But he sure as hell should stop running away and by doing so, handing his entire life over to an evil, sick man. Losing his home will not help him face the trials ahead, it will weaken him in every way, emotionally, spiritually and legally.

Losing his home and having the OM take his place - while he foots the bills - is likely to make him drink MORE, not less. He cannot afford to run away now.

This situation is already bad enough without adding new problems to the mix.

When I thought things could not get much worse. They have went and got worse on me.

Early this afternoon I went out for Pizza and some pool with my AA sponsor and 2 of his friends. One is a social worker who leads a mens group in town, the other is a family lawyer. While it seems like this was just men hanging out, it was actually a non-threatening exscuse for me to discuss my situation with people that could give me some insight and support when I needed it most.... To my shock, the social worker and lawyer have both seen situations similiar to mine, and their advice has been similiar to the advice given here... Thanks you so much for that! Infact the social worker uses information and ideas from this website in his group and private practice... I was out with these men for 2, maybe 3 hours.. Then all hell broke lose.

I arrived home mid to late afternoon, and the WW and the OM have returned. I walked in to find my alcohol dispersed on the kitchen table, and my wife and OM sitting in the living room, holding each other. My WW is crying, with blood streaming down her nose and what seemed to be a broken nose. The WW and the OM told me that the cops had been called and they were planning on having me removed, because of what I did.. I asked what she meant. Her response was to imply my return to drinking and her physical condition... I immediately called my sponsor, one of his friends and my WW's father who I had saw during the last several hours. They both made it over before the police showed.

When the police showed, the WW and OM went into some long speel about the infidelity and the affair, and seemed to be genuinely remorseful and sorry for the pain they have caused me. The OM even began crying and said that his shame and guilt had drove hime back to the drink.. They then told the police that my anger at their revelation caused me to lash out and strike my wife, and that my WW was feeling nervous and unsafe to be around me... Fortunately my sponsor, WW's father and the social worker friend could provide a solid alibi as to my wherabouts that afternoon that completely conflicted with the OM and WW's side of the story. My wife insisted that given my return to drinking and the sensitive situation in the home, she felt unsafe around me and wanted me removed for the risk the situation presented.

The WW's father cut her off, saying that he felt my WW had it all wrong. He figured that the OM and the WW should find alternative lodgings for the the night if their sense of personal safety was in question. The social work friend of my sponsor said that he knows of a half-way house in town where the OM could stay and a womens shelter my wife could go, at least till things seem settled at home.. The sponsor knowingly winked at me... The two officers who showed agreed to the arrangement, since my WW and OM story and report was so muddled and conflisted so greatly to what really happened.

So anyway, its 7 PM here and my WW's father, my AA sponsor and a couple guys from the station are coming over for pizza, darts and in order to watch some of the olympics... The social worker felt I should not be alone tonight and needed some suppport in the the form of male bonding, sports and food... After the situation was cleared up and the WW and OM left (for face saving sake no doubt), with my sponsor and WW's father present, I decided to poor the booze down the sink and once again, after a 1 1/2 week relapse started my sobriety again... Thats the update as of now.... Thank you so much for you advice, support and encouragement, I need it so much right now.. Thank you!

Quick follow up, I wrote Olympics, I meant the world Jr. Championships... Sorry.