LMAO!!!!!

She MAY be ready to believe this after say TWO (2) years of consistent actions. And you are no where near done with apologising - trust me on that.

You can't show her SQUAT of any substance in only 7 weeks son. You need a major refocussing and attitude adjustment. Your wife is well rid of you while you have this wayward entitled mindset.

Well she's done with you - she's not having an affair. Exposure would be a very dangerous tactic here.

Work on yourself - let her see your changes over a consistent length of time (2 years) and see if she will be willing to give your marriage another chance.

Work on yourself and give up this focus on your wife.

WHat I am trying to tell you is that your focus is in completely the wrong place. If your Wife were here I would for sure take issue with her revenge affair - but she isn't here - YOU ARE. The only thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Focussing on your wife's actions and her affair right NOW will avail you exactly nothing and will likely drive her away from you permanently.

All you can do and hope for is that when her affair blows over (which it will) that she will see you as someone to whome she could be married.

THAT IS PRETTY MUCH YOUR BEST AND ONLY HOPE RIGHT NOW.

OK Kahuna...

So what you advise, that's what feels right. And then I have everyone else telling me to expose...so who are the experts? What is the MB way?

By the way... I just mean I am done apologizing, crying and sniveling when it's not requested. It just bugs her.

I meant that I am going to live the life of a man she would want to be with. There is no downside to that. She'll decide what she decides. I can only work on myself and take care of the kids..and, if she gives me the chance, I will take care of her too. I am ready to be done wallowing in my own pity party and start living. I am the custodial parent this month at our home, so I need to make sure that the Kids needs are taken care of first. I will take care of my wife's ENs as I am able (taking care of our kids is a start).

So, I am not saying I am done apologizing for good. But I am done imposing my apologies on my wife.

As a BS yourself, as I work on myself. Do you have any thoughts on how I can take care of my wife's ENs at a distance (Her main are affection, admiration, and family commitment).

DT

Looking after the kids=Family Commitment.

Other EN's particularly intimate EN's will be unable to be met by you while she is involved with someone else. That will have to blow over first.

and my wife was the only one to have an affair in our marriage which I vigourously broke up and exposed - but I was not a wayward so that kind of approach won't work in your situation.

In your case time is your only friend.

you seem focussed on manipulation of your WW and cause and effect whereas you should be focussed on working on you and being there for your kids right now.

SMB and I have been discussing the exposure issue and we would have to back up BigK on this!

We feel exposure could easily backfire at this time.

Dr. Harley may disagree with us, but the only way to truly be sure is to schedule an appointment with the coaching center, and see what he has to say.

TST..

I may have to try the coaching center.

But for now, I will continue with plan A, try and work on my DJ love buster. And be super Dad and domestic titan, since I have been given the house and the kids for a month while she lives at her moms and looks for her own place.

I will hold off on exposing, the order and magnitude of things, the fact that she "is done" and has already filed for divorce. Complicates the situation. That is why I am thankful for SMBs input.

I am glad to be back at work Monday, and the opportunity for distraction, and to work on my patience. I can get the kids back in to a school routine, start coaching my boys basketball team, and focus on living each day, instead of dwelling on my cheating and my wife's A.

One day at a time. One conversation at a time.

Actually shouldn't be that hard. You really can't live more than one day at a time, and it doesn't work to have more than one conversation,so what's the big deal.

Thanks

I'll check in later this week.

DT

She is not divorced. She too is guilty of cheating on the marriage. Expose!

This outcome from a WS standpoint has to be the worse possible. Especially a repentant WS wanting to reconcile. She obviously has wayward tendencies and IF she wasn't cheating yet, she sure thought about it. I would not describe this as a revenge affair. Nope, she HAS considered what other guys might be out there and now has the political cover to go find out. I think he should plan A/B. He can expose but it won't work, I'm afraid and will probably backfire. If it were a RA she would make sure he was in the loop so he could feel the pain. I think she just wants to shop around for what else might be out there. DUDE

Yes, imagine, she is not divorced and is guilty of cheating.

In trying to decide if I would advise exposure, I looked back to what the purpose of it is. The purpose of exposure is to break up an affair, to put pressure on the affair so that it will come to a quicker end.

In this case, I don't think that will happen. In fact, I think she will receive support for her affair. She will receive encouragement to "move on", to "find someone who will appreciate her", etc.

That's why I think exposure could backfire and help the affair last LONGER than if it just crashed on its own.

The best thing DT can do, IMO, is meet every single need he can, whether it's in the top 5 or not and NEVER, EVER, EVER lovebust consistently for a long time. He needs to become a man worth coming back to, and I don't see that in him yet. He has lots of work to do on his own.

Spend the $200 to get a professional opinion from the Harleys. Dr. Harley mentions there are exceptions to the rule of exposure. In a recent newsletter, he highlighted physical abuse, legal requirements, financial dependence, and when it is in doubt whether the spouse is actually having an affair or not as three reasonable reasons to avoid entirely, or delay, exposure until a better time.

If you can afford $1200 a month for a second home, you can surely afford to hold off on that and have a few sessions with the Harleys for, say, a month? It's much, much cheaper than a divorce.

Thanks Everyone:

For now I have to go with Tst and SMB, they have the most standing to comment on my unique situation. (And I think I'll call the Harley's counseling center for some input as well). But I have some clarity today which makes it easier.

I have a bucket load of work to do on my ownpersonal growth, and on my love busters, especially DJs. I also need to learn that I really have no control, and I have to be willing to accept that god has a plan for me and my family, and it will take time for it to be revealed.

I have my kids full-time more or less, and I love being a Dad. So that's one area of focus. I am only 7 weeks in to recovery for my porn addiction, so I need to focus on that. And I am only 7 weeks in to realizing that I have been living a self-centered, solitary life in many ways, so I have a lot of work to do re-investing in relationships with friends and family.

We both created an environment that allowed me to rationalize my behavior (and her to rationalize hers now)..But, I can only control what I do.

I haven't made my wife happy for well over two years, so she's seeing if someone else can. I deserve it for what I did. She'll come back to me if I become worthy of her returning, and then and only then can we work on what went wrong.

There is no downside to being the best me I can be. Sure, she has her own work to do. But I have lost all standing to have any input on that, and I can't control that. But I can be a good father and improve me.

Thanks
DT

Barnboy:

I will spend the $200, small price to pay if it offers any hope.

But I can't make her participate in sessions of any kind. She is resolute about it being over and there being nothing to work on. So I need to be patient. But learning how to deposit in her Love Bank, and how to stay patient so I don't love bust and erase all my deposits. That I can do.

I made my bed, I have a lot of nights to sleep in it alone.

SMB is right, I have a lot of work to do myself before I concern myself on what she is doing.

DT

DTeas, your situation is NOT unique!

DT, please DO call the Harley's. We are only guessing based on our personal experience and what we understand about affairs. Dr. H has a much better understanding of affairs because of his long-term work with those involved in them.

Although you see the basic similarity in our situations (both I and your BS had affairs after D-day), there is much in our stories that are very, very different. tst and I had a very good marriage and a long history full of great memories that connected us. The only major LB in our marriage was tst's independent behavior. I knew the VERY week OW entered his life because of the DRASTIC change in him. My point is, there was much to draw us BOTH back into the marriage once HIS affair was over.

Your wife does not feel that way.

Why not?

Why is that not enough to draw her back into the marriage?

My point is that you cannot put all you eggs into our basket just because your wife and I share the commonalities of being a BS who had an affair. I fought a very long time in a very ugly battle against tst's affair before I became hopeless. Your wife is already hopeless about her marriage. You must ask yourself WHY? I think that insight will help you direct your focus.

But please realize that these few weeks of change will not convince any BS that they would be safe returning to the marriage. You must demonstrate consistency over the LONG haul.

DT, YOU created the environment that allowed your wife to rationalize her behavior now. Her affair is in direct response to YOURS. Yes, she own's the choice to have one, but the environment was created by YOUR AFFAIR.






No, she's seeing someone else because she has removed the boundaries that protect the marriage.

The same reason every other person has an affair.

It's about boundaries.

WHY we remove them may be different, but the reason an affair happens is BECAUSE we remove them (or never had them in the first place).

Your wife removed them because she believes her marriage is over and she has nothing to protect any longer.






You may very well become worthy of her return, and she still may not return. That is the natural consequence of YOUR affair. You opened your marriage up to someone else, and now that action may very well have destroyed the marriage.

SMB:

My wife and I both have many reasons to stay married. We have many wonderful memories, and have been good companions for many years, and two amazing children. What we didn't have was a commitment to radical honesty. We didn't resolve problems, but stopped fighting and built up resentment. A huge part of this issue is because I was hiding my porn usage and created a dishonest, secretive environment. And YES!, the line I crossed changed everything.

My wife says it's about never being able to trust me, never being able to be intimate again, and believing that I would fall right back in to that behavior if we ever hit a rough patch again. Without being able to read her mind, I have to take her at her word. She has every right to feel that way, 7 weeks is really nothing to influence her thinking.

I understand that we may never get back together. You don't think I have?

The one thing I don't get about the forums at MB (not your fault, just finally at my wits end), there is very little hope offered by anyone on here. So, as a WH, should I just give up? Is that best for my kids? Best for my BS? Aren't' you glad Tst
kept fighting for you?

I understand the a**kicking I need. But I need to have a shred of hope too to keep fighting...I am clearly, profoundly a flawed human..and I need hope..need to believe that this fight is worth fighting for. I do believe it, but MB is not helping me feel that way. Do you think the Harley's will recommend I give up?

Sorry to vent to you. Just frustrated.

DT

DT, there is much hope offered on this board every day. That's the whole reason we are here. Because we are 1) hopeful for our own marriages, or are 2) hopeful for other's marriages. Why else would anyone spend time here posting.

But you must go into this knowing that you may do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, and not have the desired result of a recovered marriage.

You are a serial cheater and have used porn for years. Your wife has been deeply hurt to the core of her soul. Dr. H compares the level of trauma from an affair to being raped or the death of a child.

You can SAY you understand that. But I don't see that in your posts. I have HOPE that you may one day grasp the level of destruction you have delivered upon her, because until that happens, you are UNSAFE for her to return to.

I am not beating you up. But you are still foggy, and you need people to cut through YOUR fog.