Thank you Barnboy! My discussing this employee was completely what it is and was. Did not maneuver anyone here or my husband. Talk about making judgments? I'm disappointed you read me this way. Sure I can see how this might seem here. I had no clue my husband of 30 years was going to say this to me as we'd been working on ourselves lately. But yes this is what I'm dealing with at at work with an employee too. Ya know it can happen. Two individuals having tow separate EA's while working at the same place. In fact, as far as the Plan A business: I see a counselor. We began seeing a marriage counselor after I became concerned about all the time my hubby was spending at the gym. He says he was feeling guilty since starting and wanted to bring this subject up before we met again with the counselor or to me directly. I'm currently recoverying from a serious illness. I'm starting to feel sorry I posted in the first place. Again I had no idea this is what would happen. Don't like to be judged harshly when I'm in pain.

I am so sorry that your H has become involved in an EA. I am a FWW and had an affair 3 1/2 years ago. I will tell you that in order for him to stop his wayward behavior and thinking, he HAS to end all contact with this woman. I am not sure how much of this site you have read, but there is a lot of info on surviving an affair. I also think you should start a new thread about your own situation. People might just skim through the first of this one and never get to your problem.

Some of the things on here seem to run counter to what we would instictively do, but Dr. Harley has been at this 30 years, and his success is far above the tracitional marriage counselor's. There are great success stories on here.

Thanks. I'm in a lot of pain right at this moment and don't have the energy to sit down and write something up again.

I think you are seriously over-reacting probably due to your current emotional state. Barnboy simply miss-understood your situation, atleast thats how I read it. Did you read his entire post? The advice he gave you is sound.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I am wondering, what is the illness you are recovering from (It may be relevent)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{terracotta}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Please don't take that comment personally. Barnboy gave you superb advice and laid out an exceptional plan for you. I will take you at your word that you came here for the reasons you gave, but surely can see what an odd coincidence it is?

We are all on your side here and are ready to help. While it is extremely painful, you are one step closer to recovery today than you were yesterday because you know the true source of the problem.

Please follow the advice given here and find out the WHO and if she is married. If she is married, you have a very powerful weapon in your hands.

You need to get her contact information - her husband, parents, and siblings. Then sit down and call all of them, AND call your H's parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, best friends, pastor. ALL of them! Today!

Tell him you are fighting for your marriage and to remove the addiction from his life.

Thanks all. Again, please DO NOT pathologize me because I have both an employee involved with an affair and a husband also involved with an affair--but not one in the same and not revealed here thru my manipulations.

The thing is, thru out our marriage my husband has always been very intense individual. Because he spends lots of hours involved in what-ever-he's involved in when-ever-he-wants-it can leave me with bad feelings at times when we don't work out time together. This has gone on for years, the push pull. So this recent situation came along this past fall because he was preparing for a tournament--his spending too much time.


Meanwhile, this employee went to an out of town wedding and met up with an old friend. Hence these two separate situations I've written about on one thread. This employee has engaged others while at work so this needs to be addressed.

We'd begun counseling and I'd been reading Dr Harley's books (again). I'd planned to post about my husband and I, simply discuss our struggles although it seemed we were OK given we were dealing with communication in counseling. But yesterday this issue with this employee was more pressing to me as I need to talk with this employee. So I was reviewing my write up with my husband and he felt a need to be honest with me as I was discussing how the lack of honesty in our workplace can wreck havoc on the team just as MeloyLane had said!!!! Now today I'm distraught and not even at work.

My husband claims he has not told this woman how he feels about her. I'm not going to act like a crazy woman and call people and turn their lives upside down.

I dont think anyone is doing this to you.

But you should start a new thread, it will get much moore attention and you will get better help.




Good chance that he is lying.
You need to snoop and find out.

terracotta, if that is the case, he needs to quit the gym before this goes any further. I suspect this is a lie, though, so I would suggest doing some snooping.

Does he have a blackberry or IPOD phone? You can put download flexispy on his phone. Have you looked to see if there are any phone calls on the phone bill?

Who is she? Is she married?

ALSO, you can change ask the mods to create a new thread for you starting with your post where you post about your h's EA. Just hit notify and that very post and ask them to make up a new thread with that post [and its replies] and tell them what title you want.

Terracotta,

I'm stopping in at severals' request.

I need to qualify my response with a disclaimer that it has been a long time since I dabbled in employment law and I am not licensed to practice law in your state; therefore, this should not be construed as legal advice and you should consult an attorney for legal advice specific to your situation. That being said, I will provide you what any good Human Resources professional or the EEOC would tell you.

I have read up on the situation with your employee and believe you are doing all the right things. Document EVERYTHING, but make sure you also discipline other employees for the same or similar conduct.

How many employees does the company have? More than 15? If there are less than 15 employees, then Title VII (race, sex, national origin, religion) and Americans With Disabilities Act will not apply. If there are less than 20 employees, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act will not apply. The only other causes of action I can think of that she might have would be Equal Pay if she can prove male counterparts are paid more than her for equal work or a claim for unpaid overtime under the Fair Labor Standards Act.

If you have more than 15 employees, depending on how much detail this employee provides about her EA, the other employees could feel (and it sounds as if they do given the fact one came to you about the situation) she is creating a hostile and offensive work environment and that may cause them to make a claim for sexual harassment if you do not stop her from discussing her EA in the workplace.

Regardless of what legal implications there are, your employee came to you because she wanted you to do something about the co-worker. If I were Miss Floozie's manager or employer, I would sit her down and tell her discussing her affair at work is offending her co-workers and it needs to stop. I would also tell her that she is not to retaliate against any of her co-workers, in any way, for having complained about her and if she does and it is proven, she will be subject to discipline up to and including discharge.

Hope this helps with the work situation. I am sorry for your personal situation and encourage you to listen to the other wise vets on the board who give excellent advice.

Thanks for stopping in, buddy!

MElodyLane~
This woman is married, has children etc.

Today I'm in shock. I'm not going to set up devices, call people's family. I'm simply going to respectfully work with my husband regarding us. Tomorrow maybe different, but this is what I'm doing today.

Brits Brat!
Thank you. Really. I've gathered my wits and wisdom, have the write-ups in hand and plan to deliver these write ups to various employees in need of disiplinary notices.

We only have 6 employees. 8 including ourselves.

Miss Floozie is not in any kind of protective class. She's white, under 40, no physical medical limitations , etc.
Sincerely,
TC

No one expects you to jump on all of this today, terra. In fact, I would be shocked if you did set right to work. Understand, though, that this is what works. I know it may be contrary to what is in your gut. But it works. Don't dismiss it out of hand, okay? You're probably thinking that you can appeal to your Hs logic, but I strongly doubt that his logic is working right now.

Ok, if you decide you want to save your marriage, let us know. We will be here.

Just to clarify MelodyLane's brilliant but abbreviated post, those marriages which stand the greatest chance of survival after an affair:
1. Have betrayed spouses who SNOOP into the wayward's affair to know the truth that the wayward will rarely be truthful about.
2. Have betrayed spouses who EXPOSE their spouse's affair to everybody the wayward cares about if the snooping uncovers an affair.
3. Have betrayed spouses who REQUIRE NO CONTACT FOR LIFE WITH THE AFFAIR PARTNER from their spouse as a prerequisite to recovery.
4. Have betrayed spouses who COMMIT TO AND FOLLOW THROUGH ON A PROGRAM OF MARITAL RECOVERY with their wayward spouse.

terracotta, I don't know if you have realized yet that YOU ARE IN A WAR. A war against an affair. News about your own personal Pearl Harbor is just barely trickling in right now. Once you have the full truth -- which you can only obtain by using your senses and talents to uncover your husband's clandestine activities -- the results will be catastrophic if you don't follow a very narrow path to marital recovery.

And even if you do follow the path, all you've done is improved your chances of winning the war and getting back the loving, wonderful husband you've lost. Success is never guaranteed, but the sooner and more fully you commit to winning the war against the affair, the better your chances.

You're in denial right now. It's one of the five stages of grief. As MelodyLane said, when you're ready to save your marriage, we're here.

x2

The MB plan works, your's probably wont.

So far this what I've done today:
(I'll leave it up to you to decide my condition, denial or not following Dr Harley's plan or whatever I'm being judged on)
1. Posted here.
2. Called and spoken to our marriage counselor. (we have an appt later this week)
3. Called and spoken to my own counselor and set up an appt.
4. Eary this AM scheduled an appt w/Dr Harley
5. Managed my own chronic pain condition and the sense of shock I'm feeling within myself in a loving way.
6. Met with my husband for dinner.
7. Followed him to Karate. (w/out him being aware) Yes he went after I asked him not to.
8. Investigated various 'spying devices'
9. Reviewed Dr Harleys literature
10. Filled out Dr Harley's on-line forms
11. Discussed the situation with both my adult children
TC

You don't need to schedule a session with any marriage counselor except Harley--he is expensive enough but is the best of the best.

Thanks Karma. I'm encouraged. I look forward to speaking with Dr Harley. I enjoyed his books. I'll follow Barnboys advice and purchase their other book too.


And as soon as my husband returns from Karate, I'm asking him to go to a hotel. He can be inconvenienced given what he's putting me thru. I feel like I need to protect my own emotional health right now.

It might be a bit early in the game to do that. It's more difficult to "Plan A" a WS when they're not around, and he may use the "excuse" of you kicking him out to take his A even further.

Have you contacted the OW's H?