Yes, I thought of that. Soon I'll speak w/Dr H and get all this straight. for now my husband slept in another room. I don't know all these aconyms folks are using here...OW? OK, I assume other woman. Well, no point thus far, or we'll see. Basically I'm focusing on "us" as my husband says he too wants to work on us. And according to my husband, this woman does not know how he feels about her, they do not have a big romance going on or even brewing. Right now she is not even attending the gym as she had surgery. This is all happening within his own head at this point, not at the karate studio or anywhere else--- in his head. My husband has come forward and been brutely honest with me about his feelings BEFORE he made a concerted move to start an affair. Sure he may be not telling the truth, but right now this is where I have to start. The other elements of 'saving' our marriage maybe neccesary too. So its all about us and us working on our marriage and committment and what this situation means in our marriage. Trying to get a grip on the whole thing. This experience I'm hoping will have many positive elements and help us grow together or decide otherwise. The notion of working on or coming up with a plan A is definately weighing on me today. I'm thinking of the various ways I can help myself look better and feel better and be more positive therefore not deplete anyones bank. Not an easy undertaking given what I'm dealing with although I have many many positives too.

Okay, terra. He might - might be on the up-and-up as far as telling you about this OW before the sitch progressed. It's doubtful, though. Start snooping if you haven't done so already.

What you've lined up so far in the way of fighting this battle is good. But don't waste too much energy on MCs other than the Harleys. They've got the tools you need.

MaritalBliss,
Why do you feel this way about other MC's? He only told me about the feeling he has towards this woman yesterday. I'm uncertain how to go about a snooping process. I did wonder about putting keylogger on his computer but I'm worried it would gum up his network or our IT people would find it and place me in an ackward spot. I truely would like to show proof he's telling me the truth so I could go forward at whatever starting point is necessary. Also I'm dealing with legal privacy madates too and don't know where a gizmo would fit in. Appreciate any thoughts.

Voice activated digital recorder in his car.

Nails them on the first try.

I think you've done an excellent job for someone who just had the rug yanked from under her feet!

I especially like the bits where you made an appointment with Dr. Harley and read from the books and forms!

x2

also

GPS tracking device for his car.
http://www.landairsea.com/

You can also get a program called "FlexiSpy" on his phone.
(If you and he have the right phones)
http://www.flexispy.com/

Terra,

You will find that court decisions have given business owners very broad authority over monitoring employees while at work. It includes badges that can tell what part of the building they are in and looking in their lockers and desks. It also includes monitoring their computers by looking at their email, monitoring and filtering which sites they go to or even keeping up with keystrokes to determine productivity. It could even include your husband.

Because you're wasting time and resources using a scattershot approach to get the help you seek. The Harleys have a plan that works.

I can't speak to the keylogger because I never used it. I'm not sure how your legal privacy affects you in a company your husband owns, is that correct? Vets can help you with that one. Do you have access to his cell phone? Have you thoroughly checked out his car while he's in the shower/sleeping/otherwise occupied?

Here is the link to the Harley's article, "How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor:"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Drives a motorcycle. owns a surgical facility w/patient privacy concerns or HIPPA regs. etc

Uhhh.......What?

I think Gack1 means HIPAA (Health Insurance Privacy Accountability Act). It's the confidentiality ruling under which my WW was fired for allegedly violating by giving a volunteer access to patient records.

I was that volunteer, by the way. For 18 years. And I had never been restricted to patient records before.

I mark the downward spiral of WW and her A as a result of this firing. However, I now wonder if perhaps she wasn't already under the influence of the A and was fired for her inattention to work...

Read about Emotional needs and LoveBusters. It will give you a headstart when you talk to the Harleys.

Yes I did mean HIPAA. Whoops. I'm realizing here this 'group' is a bit hyped and somewhat disullusioned due to own spousal/significant other histories and therefore the advice-- although well intended has its bias being imposed on top of my own personal situation. Its certainly undestandible and really everyone's intentions are for the good towards affirming marriage and our families. Yes, I've read the His/Needs Her Needs and Lovebusters etc. A cornerstone of the Harleys program is the notion of being brutely honest with one another. My husband demonstrated this honesty BEFORE he acted upon his feelings toward a woman at his gym. Sure one could say, is he telling the truth? and now at this point I'm certain he is being straight with me. I applaud my husbands honesty and humbling himself in regards to this employees situation. Its the idea as Jesus taught us, how can we point out the splinter in anothers eye when we might have a board in our own. I KNOW this is where he was coming from when he expressed his feeling to me. It ws not easy for him and he paid for it with my understandable upset. I guess this is our limitations here on an internet site when one can't see or hear or look into anothers eyes to better understand the truth of a situation. I spoke with Steve H whom reinforced my own call in our particular situation. Again, I understand how deeply wounded many here are and how much noble effort goes into trying to prevent others from the same experiences and pain. I've had a taste of how painful it can be. We still have along way to go and much to learn. I'm confident we'll come through this as we are both interested in learning more and reinvigorating a thirty year marriage.

Fred, that's really sad about your wife being fired and then what sounds like a downward cascade as a result. The HIPAA laws are increasingly restrictive which is why I've made it a major misconduct issue in our particular facility to even have a cellphone at the workstations and in employee pockets. It may sound paranoid but I'm getting wind of facilities getting huge fines ie $!0,000 for one small individual violation. This is likely why your wifes employer made a huge deal about it. I decided I would make a big deal and set restrictions before an incident can even happen and therefore lessen our staffs vulnerablity and the liability and protect everyone--- most especially our patients info. You could say this is the same principle regarding my husband coming forward with how he's been feeling or thinking. It was a major OUCH to me but its likely preventing a actual A. And an added benefit in regards to cellphone restriction is this employee in the EA is restricted on our premises and can't carry out her activities on our dime so readily.

And your right about being overly dependent. I'm sure we'd get along without this employee. Anymore its more psychological. We have many talented people. Its taken awhile for my own confidence to rebuild since being away and still recovering. I don't always have the stamina to get things done at the pace I once did. This is gradually improving. Its been two steps forward and then back. Ya have to wear multiple hats.

This is extremely disrespectful, ignorant, and unappreciated. You are in the midst of numerous people who have recovered their own marriages using these concepts; people who are very familiar with Marriage Builders. We have recovered, healthy marriages; you don't. So if you want to dismiss the advice of people who have what you want as "biased;" you do so at your own expense. No one here has to help you. We all have lives of our own, after all.

I would point out that you are the LEAST objective person on this thread, tc.

Like they told me in AA when I arrived there 24 years ago full of myself: "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." Those people were sober, I was not. People here have the tools to help you, along with a willingness, tc, if you will listen.

Alrighty then, the next question you and your H should be working on is affirming which EN's you are both meeting of each others and which you are not.

You have been struggling with an illness? Which may mean it has been difficult for you to fulfill some important EN's of your H's. Do you know what those are? And what are you doing about it now.

tc, if you are willing to stake your M on your H's honesty, then go for it. Part of being open & honest with each other is the willingness to admit that you are physically attracted to another person - not just 'hey, there goes a cute girl', but "Wow, I wouldn't mind hitting that one! I'll have to remember to come here again at the same time tomorrow,next week, etc., so I can see her again and maybe talk to her!" I respect your H for his honesty if he is being completely truthful with you.

But with that honesty comes the responsibility as a couple to work out how that attraction can never develop into anything else. What have you and your H decided to keep that from happening? Did he agree that he would not intentionally be anywhere the potential OW is? If not, I would be concerned.

I think the wording I used "hyped" "disillusioned" are negative and yes unfair to this group of people here trying to put forth an effort to heartfeltly advise me. I apologize, especailly to you MelodyLane. Somehow I've struggled since I began posting a short few days ago to express myself here. I'm feeling like I'm on the defensive no matter what I say here and therefore feel polarized here for some reason. I don't have all the answers. I'm working with my husband to figure it out and find our way back to one another on a consistant basis. I may be a fool and am aware I maybe sorry I did not seemingly listen and use ALL the advise given to me here rather taking what I need and leaving the rest respectfully. So yes I understand the risk I am taking and I think this is the basic message trying to be conveyed here. Indeed we are acting responsibly and moving forward in a positive direction. I see this 'alarm' as a positive in our relationship. I'm grateful.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{terracotta}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are a stand up, guy. We all understand your situation and are here to help.

Just keep us posted and we would be glad to help.

Thank you Maritalbliss, Stillhere, MelodyLane and others~