JL
Yes, the commute does have me crossing my own boundaries. In my first marrige I had a 3 minute and then a 35 minute commute to my job. Eventually I had a two hour commute and I left that job after a year for a new commute of 35 minutes. It was during the two hour commute that my first wife began her affair with my close friend. When I had a short commute I coached soccer for my children, "sneaked" home for lunch once in a while and I can remember calling my mother on Friday nights often just to tell her how happy I was. Sometimes she sounded almost confused that I would call her to tell her that. I put an enormous amount of effort into work and often coached soccer Saturday mornings and then hit the office for the afternoon. I cannot coach my ten year old now due to the job duties and time commitment. I am in my office now as I type. My wonderful, gentle WW has even told me recently that when my stepson graduates (May 2011) that we should consider moving closer to where the jobs are so that I have more time at home. But I have already lost many opportunities with my ten year old. My WW taught him how to pitch for little league this past year because I was not there to do it. Last night my WW and I went to dinner leaving the ten year old at home for an hour. When we returned I just wanted to have pleasant talk with my wonderful, gentle WW and my boy wanted me to play a video game with him. I felt frustrated when my WW volunteered me to do that. Thankfully after ten minutes my WW told my son it was bed time and I went to sleep with my WW holding me. I slept all night excepting when my Marine son called at 2AM (well it was only Midnight at his Marine Base in California) to tell me he was starting to feel better (its been 3 weeks since he had a surgery in follow-up to his wound in Iraq). He then said,"I know you are sleeping so just go back to bed, I just wanted to tell you I am doing better." LOL Sometimes that brave young man isn't playing with a full deck!
My Dad on his death bed told me four days before he died that he thought I should teach. He also told me that he looks back at all the things he did in his career and all the people he helped and that "sometimes I think it wasn't worth the sacrifice." I am thinking about that today. I fast forward to today and Dr. H's belief that you have to spend 35 hours a week + with your spouse and wonder how much that contributed to my current situation.
I wrote my WW a love letter Thursday of this week. I read it to her before we went to sleep. 3,600 words or so according the word counter on WORD. I wrote about why and how I fell in love with her and ended the letter "End of Part One".
It made me feel better to write the letter. One day I will try Part Two and try to explain why my love grew during our marriage (certainly hers did not and its now obvious to me why).
I am going to create a boundary for me relative to my wife's schooling which begins Monday. I have to let her concentrate on school and study for 9 weeks. Her courses will be completed then leaving her a week off when we are planning a vacation with our ten year old in Vermont (not looking forward to the 1200 mile drive but) I do love to ski and we are returning to the ski area where I taught my WW to ski on our honeymoon. I know how my WW struggles with school and I have to keep it calm for her to concentrate. On the plus side, I came home last evening to find that she had put an easy chair in our bedroom a few feet from her rocker so that I can be in the room reading when she is studying (for two years when she is studying at night I have basically stayed in the front room watching the tube). It made me very happy to have her do that. Its evidence that she is trying since I did not ask for that. But I will take advantage of her idea. Part of me is thinking that after the vacation in Mid March that I might want to go Plan B. I don't know if it is anger telling me to do that or logic. I guess I have time to think it through. I have an offer from a consulting firm to take a position with a lot less responsibility and only minor travel that I need to think about. I would still have the commute but a lot less hours. My typical weekend now three weekends a month involves a business dinner Friday night, work meetings Saturday morning, a Lunch meeting on Saturday and then a business dinner with my WW on Saturday night. I have business dinners and meetings 3 or 4 nights during the week. I am going to explore the hours of this job offer some more and I really do need to think about teaching. I had a secretary ten years ago that went on to get her Bachelors, Masters and Ph.D. and now has a job teaching in my field at a prominent University. She works about 30 hours a week and has a wonderful marriage. Then again I know many farmers in my local community that work a second job full time and have hours in excess of my current schedule and who also have wonderful marriages. They do have more flexibilty than I do though.
As for boundaries with my WW, I think I can start to set some that she will agree with but I am going to have to pick my spots to avoid upset. I want her to succeed at school.
This morning I feel some peace and I need to take some time before my meeting starts to get on my knees and pray for guidance. I can say that I trust myself to be free of Verbal Abusive behavior Today and for the next week. Until to today I have not ever felt I could trust myself beyond the current day. That means I have made more progress in trusting myself. Progress is a trickle and I have to be careful that I don't dwell too much on having her tell me about the A because I can only change myself. I do know that I love my wonderful, gentle WW and I don't want to change that when there is HOPE.
Blessings
