Hi, I'm new here but I really need some help. A couple of days before Christmas, I happened to find an e-mail from my wife to her father saying that she planned to leave me in January. I was shocked and confronted her. This is when all hell broke loose. She had been acting strange over the past couple of years, but always told me it was nothing and she wasn't seeing anyone else. This turned out to be untrue and she finally admitted to cheating on me a couple of years ago. Of course, I was completely devastated and heartbroken. Of anyone in the world, she is the one person I thought would never do this!
We have now separated and she moved to a different state many miles away to live with her mother for a while. Now I am here all alone. I don't feel that she has told me the whole truth yet and I think more has happened than she told me. I still love her, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she has done. I am seeking counseling now to help me with all the emotions I have. She says that she still loves me and made a big mistake. She hopes we can get back together again someday, but I don't know if she will be willing to try hard enough to make it work again.
I am so heartbroken because I love her so much and the thought of starting over again scares me to death. I am having trouble sleeping and eating. If anyone has any advise to help me during this tough time, I would greatly appreciate it. I will be happy to answer any questions you may have as well. Thanks so much,

HEARTBROKEN

Heartbroken,

I understand your pain and fear; I'm just barely coming out of the no eating and sleeping phase. I bought this stuff called SAMe at the health food store and it really helped me with the anxiety and depression; you might try it. Or you could get an anti-anxiety or anti depression prescription from your doc. You need to take care of yourself.

I'm fairly new here too, but from all the reading I've done on here I believe the first step is to find out as much as you can about who the other man is so that you can expose the affair. Do you know who it is? Does he live by her mom? Have you called her mom's house? Is she really there?

Have you read the info here yet? I'm sure the vets will be here soon with more solid advice. Hang in there!

Sorry to hear why you are here but you have come to the right place.

If she is at her mothers several states away is she involved with anyone right now?
Is she still in contact with the person she cheated with?
Do you know what happened and how it happened?
Is she willing to seek counseling?
What is her reasoning for remaining separated?

It is usually helpful if you tell a bit more about your story so people can help you.

I wish you well in your journey. Many of us here have been through what you are experiencing and there is a lot of help and guidance if you are willing to pursue it.

HB, like the others I am sorry you're here. But you're here for the same reason most of us are. Stay close and listen to those in whose shoes you can walk.

As you can see from my thread title, I know all to well the sleeplessness. And now, I'm going to hit you with the "bad news" (oh, you thought you already had the bad news?):

Your wife is moving out because she is actively engaged in an affair. I'm sorry, but when a wife (or husband) moves out to "find themselves" or some other such bullcrap, what it really means is they already have someone to go to. Your wife may be moving to mom's in theory, but in fact she's moving closer to the Other Man (OM).

So here is what you have to start doing if you want to save and recover your marriage: First, read everything you can on this site. Start with the Basic Concepts and How Affairs Begin. Read about meeting Emotional Needs and Love Busters. Finally, learn about Plans A & B as these are going to be your primary tools.

The veterans here will coach you on these plans. As I said, you haven't heard the bad news. What you are going to have to do is work your @ss off, and you are going to have to do things that seem to go against your "better nature." Make no mistake -- THIS IS WAR. Your wife has been taken over by an alien being. You cannot trust a word she says. You will need to learn Plan A and the "stick" part, which means spying, eavesdropping, sleuthing, recording, and possibly even hiring a private detective. All the while you have to start being the nicest husband you can possibly be. All of this is in preparation for Plan B.

This is the place to be if you want to save your marriage, HB. I welcome you to the club nobody wants to join, but consists of some of the best people you can have in your corner.

Let's get to work saving your marriage!

Thanks for the reply. She told me about the affair but won't tell me the person's name. I am 95% sure of who it is though. He lives only about 3 blocks from my house and used to be a co-worker of hers. I had suspicions about this person because of a few text messages I found and rumors I heard from other people. I was never able to find solid proof to confirm it though. Yeah I talked to her mom and she confirmed she was there. I live in Utah and she is now in Arkansas.

She told me that she engaged in intercourse with this one person, a total of four times, when she was drunk. She claims that she doesn't have contact with this person anymore, but I really don't believe that. As far as what actually happened, I am not sure. When I ask her any questions, she becomes very defensive and difficult to talk to. I told her that I really don't need to know all of the gory details but I deserve to know more. As far as counseling, I have suggested that she try it. She acts quite hesitant toward that as well though. It may just take more time for her to open up? I asked for the separation. When I first found out, I wanted a divorce because I was so angry. But I decided on the separation route first to possibly keep hope alive for reconciliation. Thanks for the help. I will be more than happy to answer any questions. This is all so new to me.

Thanks for the reply, I do appreciate it. In this case, she isn't moving to be closer to the other man. I know for a fact that the man lives here in my town and she is now over a thousand miles away from here. But clear up until she left, it could be very possible that she was still seeing him. Very possible that the affair was still happening, even though she claimed it only happened a couple of years ago. I believe you when you say she can't be trusted. You are right. I am very glad I found this site to help me out. I feel less alone now knowing that I can learn from others and that I have others to talk to. It means a lot to me, thanks!!!

Iam sorry what you are going through. You should be aware that cheating spouses never tell you the full truth when they first confess. You can be sure it was more than just 4 times. You need to be tested for STD's. I wish you luck.

Is the OM married?

People here will help you.

If the severe depression does not go away in a few more weeks, you may want to try AD's. They were a god send for me.

Do you know about Plan A and Plan B?

It is very unlikely that your W would leave you because of an A that is over. More likely that she is positioning herself to be able to say that you separated, but it didn't work out, so now she's free to be with the OM (other man). Do you have children? If so, there is NO WAY she would have left without another man in the wings.

Yeah I believe there is much more going on than she has told me so far. It makes me feel uncomfortable to keep pushing the topic too much. I just told her that when she is ready to be 100% truthful with me, that I'm ready to have that conversation (even though I don't really want to have to hear it). Yes, if the depression lingers on much longer, I am going to the doctor to see about anti-depressants and get checked for STD's as well. I hope it doesn't cost too much. I don't have insurance or much money right now.

The OM is not married. I am trying to learn and understand Plan A and B. I might need a little help along the way. Thanks!

No we don't have any children. She claims that she wanted to leave because I was holding her back from going to school and getting a better career (I am currently back in school and we could not afford to both be in school at the same time). Plus I lost my job of 9 years in April 2009 and have been struggling ever since to find more work. But she also said that because of the affair, she felt that she had to leave anyway. I don't know?

Heartbroken,
Sorry you are here. You definately need to start snooping to find out what's been going on. For all you know she may have a OM#2. Below is the link to Carrot & Stick of Plan A.

Pepper's Carrot & Stick of Plan B

No matter what happens discovering the truth will help you move forward.

Gg

Don't beleive anything she is telling you - waywards lie. You need to find the information on your own without her knowing.

Gg

Thank you all for taking time to read my story and help me out. I really appreciate it!!! I can use all the help I can get.

There are some good threads in the Notable Posts Forum - especially for newbies.

Gg

I am also going to counseling soon. They are supposed to call me back tomorrow with an appointment. Is there anything in particular that I need to tell the counselor? Or keep private?

Yes...You have no requirement to tolerate any abuse from your spouse!

I keep hearing talk of the book "Surviving An Affair". Do you recommend I get this book and where can I get it? Also, is it something I could give to my cheating spouse to read as well? Thanks.