"I hope you're beginning to see that our marriage isn't the cause of your problems. I've learned that there's no way I could control your process and even though I meant well, my interference wasn't helpful. Only you can cure you.

I like that!

Ok, so here's my "final draft." I added that phrase and tweaked a couple little things to make it sound more like me.

WH,
Dear Jaime-
After we spoke on Tuesday, I realized I didn't have a chance to clarify why I declined to meet with you. I've decided to protect myself from further pain caused by your continued actions. (David agrees this choice is best for me at this time also.) Please understand that I need to preserve any love for you, so that if you decide to give our relationship a new chance, I will still have enough love left for you to want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all unnecessary contact with you for now until you're in treatment, David is satisfied with your progress, and you've ended your pursuit of other sexual opportunities. When you drink to excess, the best parts of you disappear. I just can't stand to see you hurt yourself this way when I know what a great person you can be.

I'm very sorry that you feel your restlessness, unhappiness, lack of direction and inability to commit to our marriage is my fault, and that you ended up in a life you didn't want. I know you felt you were giving me everything I wanted, but you didn't do either of us any favors when you were dishonest about your feelings and secretly indulging your own vices. I hope you're beginning to see that our marriage isn't the cause of your problems. I've learned that there's no way I could control your process and even though I meant well, my interference wasn't helpful. Only you can cure you.

During our separation I've done a LOT of thinking. The last three months have probably been the most important personal growth period in my life, and I've come to a much better understanding of my own part in our communication problems. I've learned a lot, and I think I can avoid many of the mistakes I've made in our past. Each of us owns 50% of the problems in our marriage... I can see how I'm not totally blameless, here...but you own 100% of your choice to cheat on it and walk out on me. If nothing else, I deserve a faithful husband I can be proud of.

There are many things I'd like to share with you, if we stayed married. Our time in counseling over the last year made me believe we DO have something worth preserving. We could build a new life together filled with positive changes, experiences, things and people that we BOTH want... one where we're both equal partners. I want to be your best friend, someone who's always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we've had, and create a lifestyle based on complete honesty, protecting each other's feelings, and spending time together making new memories. If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, whether it be friendship or marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I can't put a time line on how long I'll be open to reconciliation, as I have to move on with my life and rebuild. I believe we're intelligent people, that we can make this work, and that we can build a great life together that would be well worth the effort. Ideally, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I think it's for the best that you not call me or ask me to meet with you face to face again, unless you've spoken with David and he agrees it's appropriate.

All my love,
Chel

To break "no-contact" with me, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must have David convinced you're sincere, and that our friendship is important to you.
2. You must be addressing your issues to David's satisfaction
3. You must have a genuine desire to improve relations and preserve our friendship

If you decide you want to preserve our marriage, you must also:
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end your other sexual relationships, and have no other lingering emotional attachments to other women to put ahead of me.
3. You must be in treatment for your alcohol/compulsive issues, to David's satisfaction
4. You will agree to follow a mutually decided marriage counseling plan
5. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.

I like it. You know him best. Would it freak him out or anger him to see those "You musts?" And...do you care?

If so, you could easily reword it to say something like:

"I would need you to....yadda yadda"

I could change that to soften it somewhat, but I kind of feel that if he's going to get pissed or freak out over some strong language, and THAT's his only obstacle to working things out with me... then it's NOT his only obstacle and he's simply not ready.

And yeah, if he gets pissy about it, I really don't care.

I'm figuring out that if a man REALLY loves you, he'll take initiative and be willing to conquer some obstacles to express that love. I'm done making it easy for him.

I also spelled out that he's perfectly free to pursue divorce, if that's what he wants... and if that's what he wants, to just get on with it. Of course it'll be up to him to take initiative on THAT, too.

Poor WH. Real life is SO hard and so much work!

It's all up to him, now.

Do you think emailing these as separate letters would be sufficient? I can also save and attach them as Google documents (that he can't erase or delete) to the emails I send him. Or should I mail them via snail mail?

I will also be providing counselor David with copies, too, once I send them.

Thanks!
Wolf, not Cougar
Chel

Well...I like the idea of David seeing them.

If you email them, I would send them with the receipt required so that you can tell when and if he opens them. I do like the Google idea (didn't know you could do that.)

You can also have someone hand deliver them versus snail mailing them. That way they could report back to you that they were placed in his hand.

If you snail mail them, you aren't going to know if he actually saw them or not unless you send them certified, which might be considered a bit over the top.

I guess I'm thinking of the benefits of a paper trail/witnesses and just wondering if that's even necessary at this point? Not sure.

You know, Wolf. I would actually start a folder. Keep a thin journal in there about the run in you had with him at the viewing, with the date, parts of the convo, etc. And...just keep track of your dealings with him and what you're doing with these letters, with copies in there...couldn't hurt and may come in handy.

Yeah, the Google documents ROCK. That's how I do my writing on my online serial novel... then I can access my stuff from any computer with an internet connection anywhere. Also makes them safe from computer crashes.

Also, Google documents will let me know when he's logged in and looked at them.

You can also have someone hand deliver them versus snail mailing them. That way they could report back to you that they were placed in his hand.


Email/Google doc it is! Going to send these now so he can have them right away. Need to decide if I want to send to his work email in addition to his private one.

That's a d@mn good idea. I have everything saved from his EA with Ms. Skankypants, as well.

I'll start keeping a contact journal.

Hopefully you won't need it, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Ok, here's an alternate take... less emotional language. How does this compare? A mutual friend suggested this...

Dear WH-
After we spoke on Tuesday, I realized I didn't have a chance to clarify why I declined to talk with you. Under advisement from David, I am limiting communications with you until he is satisfied with your progress and feels that it is prudent to re-open a dialogue. Please understand that I need to preserve any love for you, so that if you decide to give our relationship a new chance, I will still have enough love left for you to want to try again, and right now face to face communication is painful.

I hope that you can identify the true root of the problem and find a resolution. I've learned that there's no way I could control your problem solving process and even though I meant well, my interference wasn't helpful. Only you can cure you.

During our separation I've done a LOT of thinking. The last three months have probably been the most important personal growth period in my life, and I've come to a much better understanding of my own part in our communication problems. I've learned much about myself and I think I can avoid many of the mistakes I've made in our past. Each of us owns 50% of the problems in our marriage... I can see now how I'm not totally blameless, here. There are many things I'd like to share with you. Our time in counseling over the last year made me believe we DO have something worth preserving. We could build a new life together filled with positive changes, experiences, things and people that we BOTH want... one where we're both equal partners. I want to be your best friend, someone who's always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we've had, and create a lifestyle based on complete honesty, protecting each other's feelings, and spending time together making new memories.

If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, whether it be friendship or marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I can't put a time line on how long I'll be open to reconciliation, as I have to move on with my life and rebuild. I believe we're intelligent people, that we can make this work, and that we can build a great life together that would be well worth the effort. Ideally, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.


To break "no-contact" with me, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must have David convinced you're sincere, and that our friendship is important to you.
2. You must be addressing your issues to David's satisfaction
3. You must have a genuine desire to improve relations and preserve our friendship

If you decide you want to preserve our marriage, you must also:
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end your other sexual relationships
3. You must be in treatment for your alcohol/compulsive issues, to David's satisfaction
4. You will agree to follow a mutually decided marriage counseling plan
5. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and share the results.

I don't have much to add to the Plan B letter. I've been offline for a while with the weekend and an awful week at work.

I just wanted to throw a couple of things up.
For journaling, you might also want to look at livejournal.com -- you can set security on it so only you can see it or only your friends can see it. I've been on it for years and years. There's even a way you can print it out to .pdf which I do every year.

And for the invisible disability, I didn't know if you were familiar with the spoons story. I have several friends with fibro or similar, and they love it and pass it around, especially when having to explain it to someone who doesn't get it. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/ (click on the link about 1/2 way down to read the .pdf)

Hugs, and hope things improve for you very soon!!

Oh, that's never good. Sorry, hon.



Sorry, I couldn't resist! Bad Wolf!


Ok, that's really neat. I think I'll do that!


Thanks very much, AntiChick! I love the spoon story and have passed it around a lot... in fact, WH said it was the single best thing that helped him understand what my life was like from my point of view. He used to joke with me about my spoons, and do sweet, unexpected things for me to "save my spoons".

What the heck is Google docs?

If you have Gmail as your email address, or a Google account, you have access to a WHOLE TON of cool features... like a documents platform, a spiffy calendar feature, a To-Do list, a RSS feed subscription service (so you know when your web-comics update!) and a ton of other stuff.

If you'd like I can talk you through it.

I use Google docs to save the notes and rough drafts of my serial novels, since I can access them from anywhere. Also, you can allow other people to see and edit your documents, if you assign the permissions correctly AND it saves ALL of your revisions!

Seriously... coolest thing EVER. Don't know what I'd do without my Gmail and the other tools. I'd be happy to help you set one up for yourself. They're totally free, too.

Wolf, not Cougar
Chel

Ok, guys... here's what I'm sending:

Dear Jaime-
After we spoke on Tuesday, I realized I didn't have a chance to clarify why I declined to talk with you. Under advisement from David, I'm limiting communications with you until he's satisfied with your progress and feels it's prudent to re-open a dialog. Please understand that I need to preserve any love for you, so that if you decide to give our relationship a new chance, I will still have enough love left for you to want to try again. Right now, any face-to-face communication is painful.

I hope that you continue to work through your issues so you can identify the true root of the problem and find a resolution. I've learned that there's no way I could control your problem solving process and even though I meant well, my interference wasn't helpful. Only you can cure you.

During our separation I've done a LOT of thinking. The last three months have probably been the most important personal growth period in my life, and I've come to a much better understanding of my own part in our communication problems. I've learned a lot, and I think I can avoid many of the mistakes I've made in our past. Each of us owns 50% of the problems in our marriage... I can see how I'm not totally blameless, here.

There are many things I'd like to share with you. Our time in counseling over the last year made me believe we really DO have something worth preserving. We could build a new life together filled with positive changes, experiences, things and people that we BOTH want... one where we're both equal partners. I want to be your best friend, someone who's always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we've had, and create a lifestyle based on complete honesty, protecting each other's feelings, and spending time together making new memories.

If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, whether it be friendship or marriage, I promise you that I'll leave the past behind us. I'll ask only that you do the same. I can't put a time line on how long I'll be open to reconciliation, as I have to move on with my life, work on my own issues and rebuild. I need to do what's best for me. I believe we're intelligent people, that we can make this work, and that we can build a great life together that would be well worth the effort. I want to be in a healthy, honest, exclusive relationship with you... one that meets both our needs and ideally lasts the rest of our lives. Your friendship is important to me, and I hope we both end up happy.

To break "no-contact" with me, these are the steps YOU must take:
1. You must have David convinced you're sincere, and that our friendship is important to you.
2. You must be addressing your issues to David's satisfaction
3. You must have a genuine desire to improve relations and preserve our friendship

If you decide you want to preserve our marriage, you must also:
1. Be willing to work at it, and have realistic expectations. Progress, not perfection.
2. End your other sexual relationships, and set appropriate boundaries with any of your women friends.
3. You must be in treatment for your alcohol/compulsive issues- to David's satisfaction
4. Agree to follow a mutually decided marriage counseling plan
5. Take an STD test and share the results with me.


All my love,
Chel

If you have time, would you post that over on Surviving an Affair? That's where the people with the best experience on affairs and Plan B letters are. They can check for any mistakes.

Should I tell the basics of what's going on? Like his alcohol/porn compulsive stuff?

Yeah, I'd do a quick one-paragraph recap of details and where you're at, and what you want from him. So they can see if the letter will accomplish that. You can include a link to this thread (if you can figure out how; not me!).

Yep, it's done. No reply or anything from him. So, I guess it's working... I'm sad because I expected at least an acknowledgment. But, hey, it's plan B. Now it's about getting on with my life.

Also, I checked our joint finances today and found he's pulled out almost $500 in ATM withdraws in the last 3 weeks or so.

Looks like the bills are getting paid, but he's pulling it out $20- $200 at a time. And usually right before a WEEKEND!

So, I called the favorite lawyer of the bunch I talked to and he suggested that I get my butt down to the country courthouse and file on my own... I can always bring him in later if I need to.

We have pretty much no debt other than a car payment that's almost paid off, and the farm. The mortgage is in my name. He's supposed to be living there taking care of the place and getting it ready for sale. He's also supposed to be taking care of the horses, but apparently he's foisted it off on the neighbors. He hasn't been sleeping there. I don't know if that's just because of the snow, or because he's hooked up with someone. I need to get down there and check things out... but I don't trust my car.

Grrr. This sucks.