MelodyLane, can you help her?

She has taken WH's pager with her to work and left a little love note in its place.

She's still very nervous, lost, feels sick.

BTW, WH was angry about my email... the fact that I called it a "dirty, disgusting affair"... he insists it's not a physical affair so it's not the same thing... whatever, wayward speak

Fred, the reason for pagers is they are both deaf and use data only plans.

I agree with what you've said but the thing is I know them both personally and IMO, her WH is (was I should say) a really good person. But he is a conflict avoider like the rest of his family and there are not that many good male role models around. I do believe that once he goes through withdrawl and stops being wayward, and begins working on himself and their M, that he has the potential to become a wonderful H. From what I can see he is VERY CONFLICTED about wanting to stay with her and wanting to keep the EA going.

Interesting thing about the pager being locked - he has enlisted the aid of someone else to help him with this as he isn't tech savvy, sometime last night before he came home.

So...they all work together, right? Plexie, take this information to your HR department and let THEM haul them both into HR and give them a talking to. If they are using company time, they can be in trouble.

Install a keylogger on your computer asap, before he locks you out of the computer.

Did you take the pager with you? I like the idea of leaving a love letter in its stead.

Do not walk away...RUN AWAY! Now. Period, end of post. Be done with him...

Catperson, yes they all work together, but she has a good professional career going - finally - and she doesn't want to jeopardize it in any way by going to HR.

LawfulGood, she wants to save her marriage. I realize that some people on here think that serial cheaters are a separate breed, but the fact is they have a long history together and she has invested a lot into that marriage.

Had she followed MB for the first EA, I truly believe that there wouldn't be any more As following.

She also had a question about counseling - her WH suggested that they go to counseling again, but she wonders if it would work this time. Your thoughts?

I don't understand. You said "my email". Why is WH involving you?

Because she exposed last night (I was with her) and I sent him an email (after other people had already emailed him asking what was going on) telling him to stop the affair and to focus on his marriage...

My H had a PA last summer and I did Plan A. She and her H were some of the first people I exposed to. Her H feels that his A is different from my H's A...

How can exposing misuse of work time by two OTHER people jeopardize HER career?

If this ever comes up again, ask him if he showed his wife his discussions with OW as he was carrying them on?

If he says no, then gently remind him that THAT is the definition of an affair - hiding it from your spouse.

Cat,I see what you're saying but-- you have to understand that deaf culture and the fact that its a VERY small and very tight knit community. gossip is vicious in this world. I need to rise above this and not bring my personal life to work. I'm management.

Has OWH responded to exposure?

If H refuses to take the password lock off the phone, you need to start thinking about how you are going to handle that now. Remember no lovebusting, no matter what. But be very clear...in no uncertain terms...that that isn't going to work for you if he wishes to rebuild the M.

If he takes the password off the phone, get flexispy on it ASAP.

where is lovebusters? help.. I need to read it...

I think fainne said she sent you Pepperband's Carrot and Stick, I am guessing that is the abbreviated list. This is the full version, it is a must read when you get done with the lovebusters:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184#Post2296184

I do understand, but this isn't about your personal life. It's about them using the workplace to carry on an affair, which is harmful to your company; if you OWNED the company, wouldn't you want to know employees are wasting company time - your pay dollars - to do something you can get sued for? It's about exposing the affair, which is the only way you will retain your husband.

I too had a lot invested in to my marriage -- 18 years, two DDs, left career paths to support WWs career, stay-at-home dad for 4 years to support WW and DDs. And when I found out about OM#3 I found MB.com and busted my tail for months to try and recover the marriage...only to find out about OM#4. Enough. Done.

As far as counseling, I believe it is very hard to find good counselors. Truely good ones understand their job is to help people heal, move forward and eventually stop going to counseling. I believe it is very easy for counseling / counselors to sway to the dark side -- encouraging people to keep coming back for counseling because it keeps the money flowing in to the counselors.

It has been eight long months since I served my WW divorce papers. Eight longs months of hurt, pain, introspection, self-examination, dealing with the fallout, helping our DDs adjust, etc. I certainly did not want to divorce my WW, but I was left with no choice. I simply could not live with the lies, the deceipt any more. What we had was so broken there was no way I could put the pieces back together again. I could never trust her again, period. Plan D was the right thing for me to do.

I have much respect for many of the people here. Some have lived through worse than I did and are still married / together. I will tell you that trying to recover my marriage was difficult and challenging. But nothing, NOTHING was as hard as handing my WW divorce papers. Nothing. Divorce sucks.

If someone wants to try and recover their marriage, go for it. Utilize all means you can call to arms and get after it. But if you reach a point in your life where I did, where you simply say, "enough," well, then Plan D is the road you must head down. It is not a choice that I or you or anyone else can make for someone. It is something they must look deep inside themselves and decide.

My personal advice for the OP is to move on. There are a gazillion other people out there in the world that will treat you better and you will not have to worry about more afairs, more lies. Nuff said. LG, out.

Plexie, 3 affairs in 5 years is a way of life, not an aberration of character. You need to understand that recovery is a major long shot here and you have no children. Do you plan on having kids with this man? I sure hope not.

But it is not impossible if extraordinary precautions are put into place. EP's would be for the affairees to never see each other again, and that means at work. Another key thing would be for him to stop using instant messenger services and to give her all of his passwords.

My suggestion here would be to jump to the STICK part of Plan A and dont even bother with the carrot. You have been through too much and unmet needs are not the cause of his serial cheating. He cheats because he has no boundaries whatsoever and because he has never had to pay any consequences.

So, I would conduct a mass scale exposure, including the workplace. If he will then end his affair by leaving the job and commit to counseling with Steve Harley, it might be worth a shot. But he needs to use Steve Harley and i will you why. He won't be able to put anything over on Steve. Steve will hammer him if he tries to pull any crap and make sure he stays on track.

Don't take your chances with someone else because most marriage counselors do not have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and have no understanding of the dynamics of adultery. They have an 84% failure rate. She cannot afford to waste time on unqualified counselors.

You wouldn't be bringing your personal life to work. We are suggesting you report a WORKPLACE AFFAIR between your H and the OW to Human Resources and to their supervisors. Your company is being placed at legal risk because of this affair. They have a right to know. Many companies will not tolerate this and that is their right.

And affairs do elicit gossip. That is a consequence of cheating. You should also know that workplace affairs cause enormous morale issues in the ranks. The cheaters will be ostracized because they cannot be trusted to be part of a team.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney. This letter should be mailed/delivered to the Director of HR, with cc's to a key VP and the infidel's supervisors. It should go to 3 people with all being cc'd so that no one is tempted to throw the letter away.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
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