The point I've tried to make is that you are focusing on HER and what SHE has done, when you should be focusing on YOU. IMO, your problem is that you're like that eye in Lord of the Rings, that is nonstop looking around at the landscape (i.e. your wife) while it can't look down or inward at itself.

What about volunteering? It would get your mind off of her and after awhile, you may find you have stopped trying to judge her.

Books, yes. All that have been suggested and more. still awaiting them as Amazon are on a go slow weather wise.
Therapist....please read the above.
Love buster quest. Covered. I printed it out and realised that our work had already covered those bases, in spades.
Changing me.......I have, in spades also. It is more about obsessing every detail that I cannot get over. I understand why and how on both sides. Just cant seem to straddle the hurdle to peace......if that makes sense.
cheers

I am trying not to judge. I have already stated that I understand her actions and appreciate my role in them. I am, i suppose looking at whether the brief snapshot I have given of her, means that she is committed and that I can relax a little and do work on myself. thats all really.
The letter she wrote me was one of may on the same theme over months, I just wondered, as I have never done this before whether it was BS or genuine in the opinion of those with more experience than I.
Thanks so much

I guess I'm not reading you clearly. Did you recently marry after being with your wife for a long time? You said that you guys met when you were divorcing and that she's much younger than you. Was there infidelity in your first marriage?

Maybe I'm missing something, bingo, but I get the feeling that you want to fast-track your healing and be done. I wish it were that simple. I doubt that many of us would be on here if that were the case.
Recovery is a process. You can't hurry it along, but you CAN facilitate its success. You've done a lot of work - good for you! Time will help you.

You sound a little frustrated by some of the responses you've gotten. Let me tell you - I arrived here a few months ago, beaten and bloodied by my H's A. Coddling, yes, I got a little. But I also got an education, and it came in the form of crisp, no-nonsense responses and suggestions.

When my ego was whimpering to have my pain taken away from me because it was too hard the fine people on here were teaching me how to stand tall and direct my own recovery.

When it seemed like it was too hard and I was languishing in my victim mode I read how much worse other posters had it than did I. It's been quite an education.

This is a battle-hardened group, bingo. Lucky you - this group has YOUR back!

ok, I had a very unhappy first marriage that produced two children that I cared for deeply and tied to rescue that marriage. I met my current wife during that process and as such, even though my past marriage was over, we ( my current wife and I ) were and affair. It Changed my life in son many ways, but the complications of kids and past has made our route difficult. Combined with the suicide of my Dad in out early days it has meant that I have been self centred. I passed all of my grief onto m wife who stuck my be in thick and thin, but i think jut gave up in the end regarding her own self worth.
She is particularly attractive and that has been a difficult one for me to handle as I am indeed older by 9 years. She feels that her mistakes were merely that she felt unloved and that i was too wrapped in my own world. Just moments of relief almost that she was still attractive etc. i suppose I just wanted to know that this was the case if the above were taken into account.
thanks

oh, sorry, i'm trying now to reply to several messages of support.
Yes I was unfaithful in my first marriage. I knew it was wrong and regretted, and still do, my actions. When I met my (now) wife i fell totally in love, but was not really prepared or it and took action to ensure she and I and my children from the first marriage were all OK. Not ideal, but that's the way it panned out.

Ok, so, your affairage partner cheated on you? And you are surprised by this? Sucks dunit? DUDE

I see your Betrayed ex-Wife didn't make the list? The wheels on the Karma bus go round and round, round and round, round and round..DUDE

why should i be surprised ?

Where is your ex-wife? Right now? today? Do you still talk to her?

she lives close and I still talk to her. we have no feelings whatsoever between us I was too young to be married and we both respect that. I still talk to her as she is the mother of our two boys who are wonderfully happy and thriving. Why do you ask ?

You see sir, your AFFAIARAGE never had a CHANCE. Well, statistically, a slight one.(3%) Now your f'd. You have to try and save this marriage but you should have saved the prior one. I'd go talk to your ex-wife right now. Call her up, tell her what you are experiencing and you are so sorry for EVER hurting her in the same way. You my friend have just been steam rolled by the KARMA BUS.(I'm sure you dont see it that way!) DUDE

That's what I thought. Good luck to you.

also, they (the two boys) lied with my wife and I for the last 9 years in happiness. They always had their won bedrooms despite our current two sharing....have i done wrong ?

i meant lived with my wife not 'lied"

Bingo
You stated you suffer from depression and were self medicating with alcohol. Is that under control? What is the current state of your depression? What treatment are you undergoing for your depression. It sounds like it may run in your family, did your father suffer from depression? Depression is very hard on relationships. It is hard to give out when you are trying to survive in a depressed state.

You sound like you are looking for a quick fix. You may need to reset your expectations. This is not a quick process. It probably took some time for your relationship to deteriorate, so it will take some time to rebuild it. It also takes time, effort and focus on retraining how to break old habits and adopt new ones.

Right now the folks here are trying to get enough information about your situation to try and asses how to help you. After reading your posts I am not totally clear on where you are at. I understand the hurt and the betrayal. Perhaps you can fill in the blanks a little more on your history and what you suspect is causing your wife to feel unloved? What is causing her to be looking to fill her love bank?

Take a deep breath and be patient. Just getting over the trauma of betrayal takes a long time. Possibly years, but in the meantime you can be learning a new way of relating to prevent it from happening again.

Blessings
BCBoy

dude 007. If that were the case, how come my current relationship lasted longer than my previous marriage ?

BCboy. please continue. You make absolute sense !!
Cheers

BCboy. are you male or female ?