I would not be here if I thought adultery was a justifiable thing and certainly find it immoral. Thus my own problem.
Ask the question before judging !!!!!!

]
Bingo, all of the above reasons explain why your marriage collapsed. It failed because of neglect. You didn't love your wife and she didn't love you because you had set up your life in such a way that made that impossible.

You are the homeowner who does nothing to maintain his home and then complains when the house collapses from neglect. You neglected your marriage in every way and surprisingly don't understand why it collapsed after all this time.

The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to continue to neglect it. Just as the solution to termite infestation is to treat the home, not to neglect it. For example, if termites infest your home, do you complain about the home and just come home less often until the house collapses, or do you do what it takes to keep up the house?

What you say about your last marriage are not justifications for divorce, but clear signals that upkeep was warranted. If you treat your current marriage the same way, as if you are a freeloader, then you are headed for the same end.

But be assured your last marriage collapsed because of neglect. The conditions made it impossible to fall in love. And then when you had a new point of comparison, your current wife, it was hopeless.

Some cognitive dissonance here.

In your previous marriage, you (say) your wife was separated from you. So it was okay to move on to a "not ideal" next situation when it came along.

In your current marriage, you were separated from your wife when she had her ONS. So why was it not okay for her to move on to a "not ideal" next situation, when it came along?

It's okay to cheat, until it happens to you. This is the problem with affairages.

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Firstly, it was not your wistress that I referred to as those things...It was the affairage itself - you must see it for what it is - as Dr. Phil is fond of saying, "You can't fix what you won't acknowledge"...

And YES, you absolutely CAN and SHOULD help who you fall in love with...Are you saying that you made no choices yourself? Ahhhhh, life just happens TO you, does it? You need to rethink that...those are the thoughts of a child...

Btw, it is RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS that are able to help other alcoholics that WANT to change - those that SEE the need to CHANGE...I've yet to see a falling down drunk help another falling down drunk...again, rethink...

Mrs. W

and FYI my ex would happily tell you the same thing. We both agreed that it was a crap. The only tears shed were over the kids not each other. We were happy to be divorcing. She was actually pleased that I met someone else and has, on many occasions thanked my wife for being a good step mum. Our two little ones quite regularly go and stay with their brothers when they are at my ex's house. Surely that says enough.
I am beginning to realise that this is a witch hunt not a help forum.

Thank you melody lane. At last someone is making sense.
Wondering.......how can you help who you fall in love with, thats ludicrous. Did you plan to fall in love with your husband ?

Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

And look at where you are today - certainly not in a "perfect marriage"...and STILL refusing to acknowledge WHY...

If you robbed a bank and were caught would you continue to explain and explain why you should get to keep the money, and how good it would be for you and those around you, or would you acknowledge your wrong doing and relinquish the ill gotten gains?

Mrs. W

Instead, read/write/learn/implement the MB concepts. Make it your business to fill your W's ENs, every day.
Make it your decision to avoid love-busters, every day.

That's it.

The magic formula.

Go do it.

I give up. Sorry if i offended anyone, it wasn't the intention.
I came for help and got pi$$ed on because of my last marriage ending. I swear that this has done no good and cannot to anyone while people are being judged like this.

Here's how *link*

This is what all waywards say.....you can help who you fall in love with...love and marriage take WORK and TENDING TO if you neglect a marriage the love goes away, can you see that?

GO DO IT.

oh, before I retire, thank you pepperband !!

Repeat after me: "My first marriage needed work that I didn't give it and ended while I was having an affair. I must learn about myself and how to protect my marriage now, so that we do not come to the same end." Repeat as often as necessary until you can embrace it for the truth that it is.

No witchhunt, bingo. But you ARE going to get some from caring - yes, caring - posters on here who really are trying to help you.

I occasionally read a post from someone who has been around for awhile and they'll wryly comment on their old, unhealthy way of thinking and mention with a smile the 2x4s they got from the posters on here. And they THANK those posters. Then they'll proceed to talk to new posters and give them the same 2x4s. Because they CARE enough to help them become conscious and honest with themselves I'm not giving up on you - I think you're going to be one of those posters one of these days.

Even though I admit that I have done this a couple of times this morning.

i'm not a wayward for goodness sake. I wouldn't be here if I was. That precisely the sort of judging that must damage a great many who come here for support.