oh for heavens sake. Ok I admit it......I did it all the wrong way round and am living with the consequences. I just want to get it right this time around and am living with a memory of heartache and why. I just wanted to get over that.
I hurt more when she revealed that she had the ONS more than when my dad killed himself. I had worked with him for 12 years. If it were the case that this was just an affairage and born out of all the wrong things then why would we have both felt so strongly about the whole mistake ?

I actually gave my ex wife everything we had because I knew I had done wrong in marrying her in the first place without doing it for life. It was no secret to either the kids of my ex that I was with my current wife during the divorce process as it took 14 months to complete.
Believe what you like, but there are two pieces of paper in the UK that you need to divorce. One is the decree nisi (statement of intent to divorce) the other is the decree absolute ( final papers which state what has been agreed and everything monetary has been above board in court etc). I did not sleep with my current wife until the first of the two papers were served. And.......it was a mutual divorce. No rows no bitterness, just relief I think on both sides. I made a cataclismic youthfull error and paid for it.
When I began in proper my relationship with my current wife I had nothing and we started from scratch.

and what if my current wife were on the back burner. what if I had fallen head over heels after 10 years of loveless mainly sexless and certainly emotionally void marriage. What then in my current wife and I started with nothing made a home for us and my two kids from the first marriage, had two of our own and got on with our lives. It is not uncommon for people to live together and not be married for their entire lives here in the uk. We got to a stage when we knew absolutely that we could both say those vows and mean them

You need to just follow the MB principles...stop justifyin your Affairage and get over your wifes one night stand....you werent married, it wasnt cheating. good luck.

so cheating can only occur during a marriage. interesting take. How about an engagement does that not count either.

But what if you worked on your first marriage, gave your first wife the attention and love she needed, you probably would have recieved love back and you need to work on a happy marriage it doesnt just magically stay that way, your first wife, you and your children could have built a happy life.....Now you are in an unhappy marriage, with someone you dont trust...hence the not being able to get over her ONS.

Forget about what ifs, you made your bed now work the MB principles and STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY YOUR AFFAIRAGE.

This is a LIE...admit it. It's the same thing ALL Waytards say.

Mr. W

NO it doesnt count..

I am following the MB principles. I have been saying that ! I just cant get over the cheating as quickly as I would have hoped thats all.
I know people who have been married from affairs very happily for many, many years. I agree that it is an improper and dishonest way to start a relationship but it can work. I am testament to that to a certain extent. 50% of marriages have an A at some stage, that is all that I am here for. To learn to deal with that and make sure it doesn't happen again.

You were not married. You broke up with her. In other posts, you have implied it was close to rape. I don't understand how you think this was an affair. It wasn't even cheating.

I had pepper and she didn't like the freedom, she wanted us and it took that awful moment to realise it after all. I regret that we got to that point. So does she and we are committed to not letting it darken our doorstep again.
Why is that and all the rest of what I have said so wrong. I don't get it ?

You need to just get over your W ONS...We cannot help you with that...Just get over it...Move on from that, thats all you can do.

"Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."

We realize that.

Bingo must be reading now.

Listen...

One of the first steps to insure that adultery doesn't happen [again..cough] in your current marriage is to make it NOT o.k. or justifiable in the least in your prior marriage.

You achieve that by repenting of it. You [and your co-conspirator current wife] have to go to your first wife [and kids] and fess up. You two must apologize without any rationalizations or justifications for what you did to her [and them]. I don't need your apology HERE at all...your ex-wife and children do...from BOTH of you.

In addition, you should offer your ex-wife reparations. Her life has likely been severely impacted both emotionally and economically by what you and your wistress did to her. Make MONETARY amends to her. Don't just offer...INSIST. Depending on your resources make it as substantial as you can. Pay off her mortgage or pay for her to get some schooling so she can support herself better now that the kids are off to college if you can or, if you are stapped insist on a payment plan of some type but try to make her somewhat whole economically.

This type of honesty CAN be something you and your wistress CAN build upon. Your current wife CAN and SHOULD respect you...as a man...for taking such a stand FOR MARRIAGE. It will also send the message to your current wife that adultery is inexcusable and unjustifiable, which in turn, just maybe will make it less likely to happen.

Finally, just maybe your sons will LEARN from your mistakes and NOT repeat them. You reported the errors of your parents and yet look at the mess you made. If you want to end the cycle that is surely likely to repeat (your doctor son will likely soon knock up and marry some money chasing hussie at college) you do so WITH HONESTY.

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing and actually, the true "happiness" you seek is only found THERE.

Mr. Wondering

Ooohhh...hmmm...that puts a bit of a different twist on things...