Actually my first wife is very happy. We talk quite regularly and my two kids from that marriage are both happy kids and love being with us. I always made sure that they came first and asked them early on what they wanted over and above what I did. That was the same for my ex. We both wanted out !!!

I don't think this is entirely accurate. Ya know what I think? I think you're seeing that there is no panacea for you. Good. It's good for you to realize that. I also think you're seeing a fairly steep mountain in front of you, now that we've put these things out here for you to read. And I think you're hoping that if you mean well, and are very, very good, you won't have to climb that mountain. Not so good. And do you see a theme, here? That attitude LACKS COMMITMENT. Sorry for the shouting.

I'm going to say the same thing: keep reading. Keep lurking, if you don't want to post.

I also think it's possible you are a bi-polar manic depressive.

Self-medicating (drinking/valium and who knows what else)...racing thoughts...trouble sleeping...marital issues...infidelity...strained family relations (not ever attending family functions with your girlfriend/now wife).

Only you can know for sure if you "suffer" episodes wherein for a short time (days, weeks, months) you are HIGHLY CHARGED and energized and on top of the world follow by months of depression where you can and do sleep A LOT. D you find yourself making substantial sums of money only to blow it all in a few months of outrageous inconceivable [in hindsight] spending? Do you have delusions of granduer [are you smarter than most everyone you know]?

I hope not, but on the odd chance you are you need to be seeing a doctor and taking medication...if you ever want any "happiness".

Mr. Wondering

No, I know there is a mountain to climb and I wish to do it with my wife one step at a time. I know where apathy got me and I also know where control got me. tears !!
I am more committed than you think maritalbliss. I know that to achieve anything great one has to work hard at it. This is a marathon not a sprint. I dearly love my Mrs and am kinda glad now, reading all of the stuff that has been said that I got what I deserved. I needed a kick up the a$$ to stop me from continuing to be one.

I was diagnosed bi-polar and do have great highs and lows which I hid quite well for a while from my wife. I have avoided medication but agree that for continued happiness for both of us it may be required. I come from a long line of them thus my father taking his own life.

that said. I have had a lifetime of that and more recently as my marriage has improved, the episodes have lessened.

So you know this and have 2 young children with another infant on the way and yet you AVOID medication.

We aren't talking about happiness anymore.

There is little to no happiness living with an unmedicated untreated bi-polar.

And it's not just suicide that will kill you. My bi-polar divorced FIL died of his 6-10th heart attack during a manic episode flat broke in a casino elevator at age 60 [he "avoided" medication as well as he made and lost fortunes over the years]

Regardless of your marital situation...YOU NEED TREATMENT if you want to see your infant reach his 18th birthday.

One way or another Bi-Polar is gonna get you if you don't. You won't be able to hide it long...the episodes get worse with age.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - ummm...may I also suggest it's time for a vasectomy...maybe???

Thanks for the advice mrwondering.
The episodes were very bad when I was first married as i needed to find happiness in anything other than home cos there wasn't any there. They improved a great deal as time wend on with CW and have got significantly better since we got married.
Thanks for the snip advice. I adore kids and we are lucky that we can have them. We are fortunate to be able to feed and house them well and they have a great life.
Will definately think about it soon though.....perhaps one more !?

As the child of an unmedicated bipolar, I BEG you NOT to have more children while unmedicated - My God, that is just so UNFAIR!!!!!! Don't kid yourself, the episodes absolutely WILL get worse with age! TAKE THE MEDS!!!

Of course, I, of all people, realize this advice will fall on deaf ears...Don't know why I felt compelled to post it...my issue...ugh...

Mrs. W

So you are saying you are currently experiencing a manic episode.

I can see that. I'm impressed with your defensive coping mechanisms. Nice.

When you cycle back down perhaps you'll be more ready to talk about addressing it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Bipolar's typically suffer their first heart attacks in their 40's so, at least, carry aspirin around with you all the time so you can take it immediately when your chest starts tightening up.

no, not at all. I do still have them, but am not right now.
I hear what you are saying and quit drinking a while ago and that REALLY helped. I suspect I am just dealing with a past that I didn't want to deal with.
I will see a doctor. I promised my wife that 2010 would be the year that the depression was nipped in the bud. I know that it must be hard to live with a Bi-polar and am grateful that she has seen fit to stick with me.
I am also sick of having to try and hide it.
I was best in my life when I was off all medication, drink in particular. I am heading that way at present easing the valium day by day and should be clean of that in a couple of weeks.
The only time in my life when I slept well was at that point. I just have stress at the moment as my work life is overwhelming and I am trying so hard to be an angel at home too.
Juggling, i think they call it .
Thanks

Don't you find it a little unsettling, Bingo that these virtual strangers in an MB forum made spot on mental and emotional diagnosis' of long term, ongoing "issues" in five days using only the information that they could pry out of you? I'd stick around.

After following this all morning, I would say that until you are able to admit that the demise of your first M was a failure and not a mistake, you are doomed to repeat and sadly, pass on the legacy to your children. You married your first W out of a sense of responsibility/obligation after finding that she was pregnant. Then you proceeded to feed your lack of love and unhappiness instead of building on the committment that you had made and nurturing the small floundering amount of love that the two of you had.

Many people have grown just such a M into a warm, loving, committed lifetime love. Arranged M's have turned into 50 year love stories. You can make love happen by showing love or you can destroy powerful existing love by not showing it. You have seen both sides of that and that is what MB is based on.

You say that you want this M to be not just a lifetime committment but a loving, giving relationship where not just you and WW are able to thrive but also your children. Then do it.

You and your WW need to discuss and agree that your relationship began as an affair and was very, very wrong and should not have ever begun. That said, it did so embrace the MB concepts 100% and build that covenant M that you both claim to want now.

Call the Harleys. Go to an MB weekend. Admit, repent and then commit. Don't walk away from the help that God has lead you to.

God's Blessings,

Say

DEJA MOO!

GET THIS BOOK AND READ IT...*click*

Mrs. W

I get it saynomore. I would rather seek professional advice o matters of illness and totally hear where you are coming from re my last marriage.
All of that said surely all of that doomed talk about my current marriage should also be avoided as this is where I find myself and very much in love.
My past marriage was a failure on my part as i could have done something more I suspect. I don't know what but I do deeply regret that I was not the husband I could have been. I feel guilt for my children and ex and current as they all suffered to an extent. If arranged marriages have turned into 50 year love stories, then surely my marriage should not be written off by those who have not been as lucky.

Hmmm. For the first sentence there I thought we might have had a break through. I believe you may have selective comprehension readin skills. Best of luck to you, Bingo. You are surely going to need it.

God's Blessings,

Say

On reflection...marriage has nothing to do with luck. That is where you went wrong first time around. I don't know what will help you this time.

God's Blessings,

Say

Good. :::smacking bingo's wrist::: now quit threatening to leave and hunker down for the ride. It's worth every sometimes painful minute. Sure, you're going to get some 2x4s. Consider them the rod of discipline. You'll be rewarded for your commitment.

i know where I went wrong the first time round I really do. I gave up on marriage and that is totally wrong. I shouldn't have done, I should have done more for longer, but I didn't. I cant take that back after 9 years. I deeply regret that I met my current wife the way I did. we have always said that we met at the wrong time and wish that I had been properly single. I didn't deceive anyone and was honest with my kids and ex wife, who I still get along with, just don't particularly like. The difference is that the last 9 years, despite the ups and downs that I have created have felt like a whole different thing. I enjoy my wifes company, we enjoy being together, quietly. We adore time alone and with our wonderful children. I know that my baggage has caused us much harm over the years and realise that she deserved better of me. I brought all that I knew into a knew relationship and chose, it appears to not learn from my past.
My marriage is solid, it is wonderful and it is all I ever dreamed a marriage would be. My ex wife was delighted when we got married and I have also been very happy when she has been in love.
I know marriage is not about luck, it is more about judgement, but I cannot change yesterday I can only learn from it.
I have never asked for advice about my marriage, more the fact that I obsess on the one negative that I didn't create directly.
It just hurts thats all and whilst I definitely needed the jolt, it was painful and I suppose I was expecting too much for it to all go away so soon.
I appreciate that no one here wants to hear a story of success due to an affair, if that is how everyone wants to look at it. But this is how it is and I am not about to make the same mistakes again. I feel now like there is too much to loose.

My ex wife and I did not have even one year of happiness really. We just existed and were thrown together by an accident and a decision that I made because of my views on abortion. I asked her to keep the child and said that I would support him and her and have done. I married out of a sense of obligation and shouldn't have done but I was 21 and didn't have a clue what I was doing. At 31 I realised that I was wasting both of our lives carrying on the way we were and even went to the extent of taking her back to the place where we got married abroad to try to rekindle things. Nothing worked, nothing !!!
I have tried to explain as best I can that my current wife was nothing to do with my decision to leave my ex wife. I had left her after months of therapy and we both agreed to part. My CW came along months after I had been living apart from my ex and had filed papers already, in full agreement with my wife.
I met my CW already a single man living a single life being the best Dad that I could under the circumstances. I asked for patience from my CW as I was not ready to start a relationship, and as such I did not see it as an affair and still to a certain extent don't.
I deeply regret offending anyone here with my story. I realise that it may cause much pain for some, but it was never my intention.
I will stick here and keep working to ensure that the same mistakes are not repeated. having lived through the pain of splitting a family, trust me, I don't want to do it again. But be assured that it was a joint decision to split. She had actually got a boyfriend before I had even met my CW and as such I didn't see the harm in meeting a new woman.
My only concern was for the kids and that has always been mine and my CW's focus.
My own personal problems are a different matter. Thats for the professionals to determine. Not amature psychologists here.
I like maritalbliss feel like I have rediscovered what I almost lost and thank the lord I did. We both do. Never a day goes by when that is not mentioned really.
I never, not even once looked back on my first marriage and regretted anything I did to my ex wife, only the fall out for the kids. She was as apathetic as I and admitted that she had been unfaithful due to boredom. I was never unfaithful whilst I was officially living as a married man.
Not an excuse, I know, but just how it panned out. When I was told that my first wife had cheated, I didn't care and wished her luck I was that out of love !!
So where does that leave me ? Guilty for trying but failing ? Guilty for falling in love? Guilty for continuing to be in love ?
I tell you where it leaves me. Proud that I learned in time to save this proper marriage and continue to work on it !!

"I was never unfaithful whilst I was officially living as a married man."

When does it become unofficial? This statements speaks of bonkersness which is worse than waywardness. DUDE

i meant whilst we were together and before we had made the decision jointly to divorce. I was living in another house sharing custody of the boys and had been for 4 months before I met my CW. I was never, ever unfaithful during 10 years of dull and loveless marriage even though I did not have sex for over a year.
Stop picking the little bits out of the picture I'm trying to paint it is pointless.