Thanks, SoL. My sponsor isn't familiar with Plan B. I will be meeting with him soon. Being the pragmatic type, I expect he will tell me to just ignore her, but I know better than to second-guess my sponsor.

Fortunately, there are a lot of meetings in this area. I went to this one specifically because (as I wrote in my earlier post) I had been "urged" to go because a friend was celebrating and leading the meeting. From everything I've gleaned, The Leopard has moved away into a neighboring town, and her appearance at this particular meeting was an anomaly (one of her former patients was also celebrating; a fact I did not know).

I do not anticipate having to dodge The Leopard's appearance the rest of my life. I only wish to be compliant with Plan B, which calls for a complete absence from the WS's existence. Given the nature of A.A. however, I wonder how Plan B and an incident like this are resolved?

Fred,

Keep in mind that the reason that Plan B is supposed to stop you from seeing her is in order to avoid her drama and other crap that would empty your LB$. Too, late for that; your LB$ is pretty much closed.

The whole point of Plan B is to protect the BS from being hurt and so losing the love they have left for the WS. In your case it hardly matters any more. You aren't separating with an eye toward reconciling with her. At this point you only really need enough time away from her to get over withdrawal and based on things you've said around here, I think you don't really miss her very much right now. You aren't working a Plan B but a Plan D.

If you are just moving on with your life and there is no way you would take her back, then just avoid making yourself feel worse and call it a day. She will only continue hurting you as long as you care...

If you don't care any more...

Mark

Mark, that is a good actually great point you made...plan B is no longer needed when you do not care anymore about the WS.
If you are over and done with them and when you see them you get the same reaction you have when you look at a white wall, then...why worry.
But Fred, are you sure you would not ever take her back?
I just read a post of yours where you say you could check your WW internet activities but you choose not to as it would bring you back to ground zero.
Not sure how much you still really care about her.
My H and I work in the same place. We see eachother sometimes but I totally avoid him and so does he. It hurts to see him..but less and less now.
Blessing

That's very perceptive of you, Mark. The problem I have is that I still do care!. And I know that's not good for me, as it has been pointed out to me, she is a badly damaged person. Hence my appellation, The Leopard (who can't change her spots). In my fantasy world, recovery is still possible (heck, my existence in A.A. is proof of that!). So what I am trying to do now is to build a separate and different life without her, so that she doesn't have any affect on me whatever.

Keep in mind that it's only been 2-1/2 months since Dday. Some people here have been struggling for years with this problem. I saw her at last night's meeting (for some reason, she kept looking at the floor. I'm certain she saw me arrive, as she was there before me) and it still caused me to tense up. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have a problem with her coming this weekend to fetch her belongings.

I'm still processing this whole thing. I have a wonderful daughter who has been 100% supportive to me. She told me that if I ever were to get back together with The Leopard, I wouldn't have "seen angry, yet." So I am internally conflicted with the two people I hold most dear. Of the two, my daughter is flesh and blood, and one I've known longer than The Leopard. I have to listen to her, as her perspective isn't as clouded as mine.

My task at this point is to "fall out of love." And as Lildoggie says, "TIME..."

Take your time. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I am now just getting to that point. Oh, there are still days of mourning that come around, but at this point I am better more days than not. It was the other way around for a long, long time.

But, since there is nothing that you can do about her, just focus on doing for you and if she ever decides to come back, well, then you are in the driver's seat at that point.

If I didn't think it was inappropriate, I'd give you a hug, CL. I can't imagine how someone goes through this emotional hurricane for years. I know that as one who has an addictive personality, I want "instant gratification," and it drives me nuts sometimes to realize that time takes time...

Thank you. This is exactly what I am trying to do. It would just be helpful if she would simply stick to her "new" life, home and location rather than "invade my turf." Oh, I know that's an unrealistic expectation, I just need to learn how to deal with the occasional occurrence when we're both in the same place at the same time.

This is a key reason that waywards pretty much HAVE to come to humility in order to have a successful reconciliation. The only healthy outcome here would be for your WW to realize what she's done, go to your daughter, and apologize with all her heart for the pain she has caused all of you. Your daughter has it in her to forgive your WW. But that won't come without WW becoming FWW.

But there is a little more to Plan B than this. Plan B can help you with personal recovery whether you are working Plan D or not. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. Waywards will continue to hurt and crush you inside for as long as they remain waywards, even long after the LB is overdrawn and bankrupt. You need protection whether or not you are (still) working on marital recovery. Stay dark Fred.

Thank you, Tabby.

Two events today have conspired to remind me of one of A.A.'s many promises: "We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

• Another email Estimate of Benefits (EOB) arrived showing the The Leopard continues to be treated for one (or more) medical conditions. As recently as Dec. 29. Her coverage under my policy expired New Year's Eve. Gosh, I hope she's cured now.
• I received another call from a creditor seeking The Leopard. I simply informed them that she no longer lives here and to please remove me from their call list.

Gee, no wonder I could afford to take a vacation trip to Iceland!

Another "benefit" to this awful event is that it's made me pay much closer attention to things like my retirement. For several years I've just let my retirement plan just lie idle (I have a rollover IRA). Aware now that I am the sole person responsible for my care and feeding in my later years, I have started to become more active in my retirement planning.

Since D-day, my retirement program has increased in value over $4,000. That's the single largest increase in value I've seen in the years I've held this account. I'm still not "comfortable" with the value, but I'm also not ready to retire yet, either...

Isn't it amazing how differently our life paths can go after a WS rips apart one's world (and someone earlier posited that WS's "win" without consequences. I beg to differ)?

You know, with your age, you're eligible to put extra money in there now. IIWY, I'd be putting every dollar I can spare, in case you end up in court and she goes after your bank account.

Thanks, catperson. Our legal separation agreement specifically prohibits this kind of action, now or later.

I may not have done a lot of things right (in MB terms), but I did make sure to cover my tuchus right from the get-go. After The Leopard moves her stuff out this weekend, all that's left is the ticking of the clock.

The next move is HERS. If she wants to try to reconcile, she has my Plan B letter telling her how. But she's a leopard, so I don't expect that to happen...

Pepper:

Same diff.

Today has been quite entertaining, and has kept my mind off what's coming tomorrow. But I need to face up to the coming weekend.

I keep telling myself that I've arrived at a place of complete detachment; that the woman coming by tomorrow is no more than a former tenant who is moving her belongings away.

My resolve is to limit any conversation to one sentence comments and to be completely non-committal. If she tries to provoke me into speaking of our marriage or current status, I will try my best so nod my head, say something like, "uh-huh," and change the subject.

I have invited a number of people to a mini get together. I have put in some chicken noodle soup, shrimp pasta salad, turkey and swiss wraps, barbecue sandwiches and a selection of cookies. I'll have coffee and soft drinks. I hope to be a gracious host and nothing more.

However... I suspect that like November 30, her first "move out" day, I will be finding myself posting a journal during the "festivities." I know my MB "family" won't let me down. You folks have been my hidden support group in times of stress. And I'm not foolish enough to think tomorrow won't be stressful...

BUBBLE BATH!

NOT during the "festivities", though, although Fred languishing in a tub of bubbles while his wayward carts off her stuff does provide an unique visual!

tl

Guys don't take bubble baths!!! (But maybe they should).

OK, another tangent on the winding path that's been my story...

I'm feeling a bit "unworthy" of MB these days.

I came here in desperation four weeks after D-day, confused, scared, hurting, wondering and feeling terribly abandoned and alone. Unlike many, I came her AFTER I had purchased the book Surviving an Affair when I realized my story, and my WW, weren't unique after all.

As I poured out my heart and my story, it became apparent that I was too late for Plan A. WW and I had already signed a separation agreement that called for her to vacate the house in another week's time. I was advised to go into Plan B, and the marvelous people here helped me craft a letter. They also guided me on exposing WW's A to OMW, his employer, friends, neighbors and more. I did what was suggested, even though the time to do it properly had already passed.

After WW moved out, I continued to collect exposure data, and then on the advice of the veterans here, even let that go. Dark. Pitch dark. I have attempted to fade into a black hole.

During this time, I have had the opportunity to research, and have spoken with a number of people I have come to respect greatly on this site. Some of these suggested WW might be disordered and that recovering our M might not only be ill-advised, but near impossible. I have come to face that grim reality.

I know, and just moments ago read again, that in some cases, success is not measured by a recovered marriage, but in a recovered person. As each day passes, this seems to be me more and more.

Which is why I guess I feel unworthy. So many of you people here have put in such hard work, suffered a great deal more than I, and are so much better at working with others, that I feel sometimes awkward and almost ashamed to share the same forum.

At times it seems a bit hypocritical of me to espouse saving someone's marriage when my own is either irretrievable or so badly damaged that putting a bullet in my head would be better than to go back to the woman who until not long ago, used to proclaim her gratitude to her Higher Power for putting me in her life.

My order of His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters arrived while I was gone over New Year's. I don't know which one to pick up first (Surviving an Affair is on my table, but right now I think I want to work on my own growth), and obviously I won't have either read by the time WW comes tomorrow to finish moving out of my house.

I believe in Marriage Builders. Much in the way I believe in A.A., Marriage Builders just seems "right." Its principles can't be argued. It just works. When there's something to work with.

OK, this is once again becoming a rambling mess (I have a problem not being concise). I am deeply grateful to Marriage Builders and because I feel the way I do, I feel somehow like I've let the principles down because I can't recover my own marriage. Does that makes sense?

Maybe I just need some good, healthy . Ya think?