The grass is always greener...where you water it.

I am the husband. This is probably going to be a little different than what normally happens, but my wife and I are doing this with complete honesty and openness, so we can figure out what is right for both of us.

You may be honest but if she is not willing to come back, it's because she is NOT being honest. But that can change if you're willing to keep seeking help.

This all came to a head just after she reconnected with her ex. She wouldn't tell me what the problem was for a while, but I pretty much guessed what it was. After fifteen years of being married, it is hard to hide things without your partner having suspicions that something is going on. I decided then that either my wife and I would have a great relationship or we should get a divorce. I am just not sure how to get there from here. Anyway, this is my side of the story.

Mr. W2say, you've received many concepts to help you get from there to here without having to divorce. I know you feel it may be hopeless, but it's not. You can do this. Re-read all the posts as well as the articles on this web site. It will take work but you can have a far better marriage than you ever thought possible if you educate yourself, plan your work and work your plan. Yes it is a daunting task, but it is soooooo worth it.

I met my wife immediately upon taking a job in a new city and we started hanging out. I was fairly new to relationships and while I had several relationship encounters before my wife, she was my first full sexual experience. I was pretty shy at this point and really wasn't very good at maintaining any kind of relationships. I take full responsibility for this. I have been to counseling a while back to address these issues, but my I don't think they were fully resolved until recently. From early in our relationship, there just seemed to be a momentum carrying us along. I hesitated pushing any commitments with her, because I could feel that things weren't as much as they should be between us. We ended up getting separated a couple of years after our marriage because I discovered that she was having an affair. She moved out and we continued on with our lives. During this time, I met an old girlfriend that I really had a crush on (kind of the equivalent to her ex). She was married at the time, so we didn't get too far into the relationship. Shortly after that, my wife called me and told me that she really didn't want a divorce and that she wanted to move back in and try to work things out. I still loved my wife, as much as you can after being hurt, and so I agreed. Shortly after that, my old girlfriend called and said she was getting a divorce and wanted to know what my situation was. I told her that my wife decided she wanted to work things out and haven't talked to her since. I think I have been carrying resentment about the loss of the other relationship and the affair ever since.

Unresolved resentment is often lethal. But it is not impossible to overcome.

Since then, my wife and I have moved to another city and I have a good job that I really like. We are financially stable and comfortable in every way other than in our relationship. We have two great kids and I would hate to see us throw it all away for something that may not be real. On the other hand, if there is no hope for us and her feelings for her ex are real, then, I believe we need to get a divorce. I just don't know how to do that without causing resentment, and I really don't want to end up hating her. She would move back to where we met with the kids, and it would be very difficult for me to see them.

I have come to grips with my anger and resentment through some NLP techniques, so I am really very okay with doing whatever is right.

I'm not familiar with NLP but IMVHO you need to man up and decide what you want. It's always best to first try to recover the M, especially if there are children involved. My FWH and I would be D'd today if our 20+ year-old son hadn't begged us to fight for our family (like we taught them to do) after his older sister discovered my WH's A and they confronted him together. So initially, that's the only reason I began fighting for our M...for our son. (His sister had wanted me to dump her dad for years.) Later we began fighting to recover our M for ourselves. And in spite of 3 false recoveries, we are passionately in love with each other today over 3 years later!

She is pretty certain that what she feels about her ex is real and that she can't possibly feel that way about me.

Like others mentioned, she feels it's real because her perception is skewed due what's called alien fog. That mindset is very real and she will be embarassed later when she discovers what a faux fantasy she got trapped in. You can help her get 'un-trapped'. But you'll have to make the decision to listen to the many fine posters who are trying to help you. Incorporate their suggestions into your life and ACT on them. That's the right thing to do. Even if it doesn't work, at least you will have tried to do the right thing.

We ordered the Marriage Builders home program, but she is very hesitant to participate. I don't want to be pushy with her, but I feel like I am done being stuck in this relationship.

All I can say is that on D-Day #1, when my FWH was willing to grant me an uncontested divorce and give me everything (home/cars/assets, etc.), I'm glad that our son was pushy with both of us, but especially me. Think of your kids as being pushy with both of you. It's far better for them if you get the MB program, work on YOU, use the concepts to help you help your wife and make every effort to recover your M. You'll be glad you did. We are....and it's getting better every day.

From Mr. W2S: (I don't think Mrs. W2S will be on any time soon)
This morning my wife accidentally replied to an entire facebook group detailing our pending divorce and our lack of sexual relations over the past few months.
This kind of outed our problem, so people are talking about it now.

I also talked to some of our family and friends about her attraction for the other guy. She is very angry at me now and says she hates me.

She does not want me to talk to the kids about anything and made me talk to a psychologist friend of ours about the scarring effects of subjecting children to our marriage problems. Our kids are 5 and 8 and may be too young to understand our situation.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

As far as the conversation with the psychologist, she called him when I told her that it was suggested here that we reveal the affair to everyone including the kids. She just called me into the room and handed me the phone.

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings.

Thanks Melody for the input. The psychologist I talked to said that he sees many adults who are screwed up because their parents involved them in their marriage problems. My number one concern here is for the children, so I want to make sure I am right here.

Does anyone else have any opinions on whether to tell the children and how to do it without screwing them up?

Her second most important requirement is that she be physically attracted to her husband. She says she thinks I am attractive, but just not to her. She has an aversion to being touched in any way by me and says she feels relieved that I don't touch her. She is in therapy, but who knows where that will go? Should I move on?

We tried to talk to the kids about it, but it didn't really register with them. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to move on. We filled out our EQs a couple of days ago. Her second most important requirement is that she be physically attracted to her husband. She says she thinks I am attractive, but just not to her. She has an aversion to being touched in any way by me and says she feels relieved that I don't touch her. She is in therapy, but who knows where that will go? Should I move on?