here I go with the talk... brb

Sounds like you will need some printed proof Plex, I would use a sledgehammer to kill the fly in this case. When you send out exposure info to HR make sure to attach proof along with the inferance that you don't wnat drama, you want integrity and accountability in your workplace.
I am sure that the people in the deaf community know that they must keep the drama down to a minumum and that is what scares them and at the same time paralizes them from dealing with these kind of issues.

Lets ask the question then. Do the deaf get to fight for the truth and a life that has all the benifets the hearing have? Like loving and devoted relationships? Does being deaf make it OK to have inapropiate and decietful relationships that are based on lies? If someone said that deaf ppl are "just like that" it would be such an insult IMO.

I would never sell a deaf person short of having the right to fight for what a hearing person can have. Sometimes its the right to fight and all they get is the fight. In life the struggle gives life meaning.

This isn't about what the deaf community values here in relationships its about your right to have a great marriage or none at all. This man sleeps with you and is closer to your heart than any other human. You have a right to fight thats all. HR at your work should be able to understand that and if they don't then thats their problem. Don't let them "calm you down" or whatever they might call it when it comes to your marriage.

Well I hope I didn't sound high-minded or arrogant. I just want to see you get what you need from them. They might not think your marriage is that important but we here do.

calm determined talk to WH per Melody and all you other fabulous peeps!!! Cat! *meow* Sort *karate chop* SusieQ (bow) and last but she aint least!! FAINNE!!! *hug*

I assure you all: I was BOND,JAMES BOND ( I remma Sean Connery's voice *squeal* I LOVED IT!) It was a perfect memory spark for me (love you MB peeps!!!) and helped me while he rambled on his 'excuses etc and i tuned out to "bond, james bond" in sean's voice... Oh my stars!

I said to him:::::"I'm feeling like need to review with you about being safe and what that means, and I've decided its very cold out and I want to give you your pager in case of emergency. Now I will feel more safe if you were to give me password (he did) and to read all of the emails together (we did) I fwd'ed 2 long dialogues to my pager with him watching too (proof for work--gotta have it and I wanna read it later). I said that he will have to change his life and avoid all contact with women friends (except sister,mother,sis in law and woman supervisor--all woman peers nothing until further notice), especially not OW, and that he will need to leave the job but could look into transfer for the interim, write the NC letter."

he explained to me he went today to a friends' house to get us a storm door donation, its a male friend from work and he admitted he couldn't reveal his feelings (that male was included initial exposure) Then later he went to another friend's house*know them many years myself at least 8yrs* (woman have husband--husband in shower) and he admitted whats going on to woman and cried, husband came out and then he told husband but ONLY because wife brought it up first and he wasn't as forthcoming ( I am sure he downplayed a lot)(didn't think to include them in the first exposure for some reason, mostly that we dont really see them much...)

when I asked what he was thinking/feeling when he cried he said (and because I was calm) he told me its because he's hurting about what he did to me and he's confused and wrestling with my original conditions--especially the job--this woman friend and her husband--are in Voc rehab field and BOTH literally screamed--"deaf cant find jobs right now!!!!!! don't make the mistake!!!" I tried to emphasize calmly he has seniority and could do weekend shift, he countered with that job won't make him happy and blah blah blah

I saw his crap and excuses and I tuned out I think because Melody woke me up today... :o)

I told him I said 'you will need to share everything with me, leave chats opens and emails, tell me about your day and emotions...(nodding yes) for me to feel safe'

"what did you do today that felt good?(went to see a friend) bad??( he has physical manifestations like horrible headache)"

I calmly explained the pain I feel from grieving the affair is akin to the time I slipped on ice and broke my tailbone. (more visuals I use, the better). He seemed to be listening. Probably scheming...

There was a moment where I saw a chance and I said "don't you feel relief now that I have read the whole truth? (these were emails of them plotting and all kinds of skanky-isms but I remained calm and read every sentence and at this moment i said 'now I see for myself everything you said, etc.. and the truth is out and you don't have to lie anymore or pretend.." he's very tiredly reluctantly nodding...

WAYWARD

I fwd'ed the proof to 2 peeps: Fainne and SusieQ. (pls post your responses to those emails fainne and Susieq) For safety. I will also fwd to my work email for the exposure at work... I am unable to process the dialogue--its just further proof and planning of the friday meeting 'to be on same page' my exposure email and taking his pager foiled a lot... SusieQ was right *fistbump* I only wanted the meeting cuz of the NC letter and I wanted to WATCH her read it... oh well.

You can see from the time stamp on my last post to now we spent calmly talking... I contacted my pager service representative and hope to hear tmrw-- until then he's WAYWARD and umm, in a fog and nothing he says is true. Period.

He seems to think he can convince Dr harley... *evil cackling* says often "wait for counseling" like thats HIS ace. oh boy *rubbing hands*

He went into my laptop last night--checked ebay and hotmail and its POSSIBLE he has seen the webpages I have been looking at but, because I'm under fake name I am not sure he would be devious enough to figure out MB and especially not the forums!!!!... I suspect he used hotmail to contact OW or EA2(second one due to seeing name in keylogger.) Recall he said in keylogger "wait for me to email you ariel might will check my computer for emails'

WAYWARD!!!! sing it with me folks, WAYWAR, can I get a WAYWARD.... come on now everybody---WAYWARD!

I'm weary if he's figured out keylogger is on computer--although I have put password lock on my laptop he can no longer get in because 'i'm calm and determined' and I changed it plus I know he's going into stealth mode and gonna stab the holy hell out of our marriage again IN HIS PAGER--until I can get spyware on it, I am resigned to this and c'est la vie. Next keylogger I will email myself the contents of today's session *grin*

A very dorky song popped in my head last night (remma I went deaf at 15) Its the Cover Girls "we can';t go wronggggg" Good Lord I am a hopeless romantic, I switched to Van Halen's "how will I know if its love?" Umm, I am karaoke fanatic--I don't care what people think--I do it on Thursday night bowling (after bowling) and I LOVE IT! *makes rock n roll hand signs*

I love 70's and 80"s music mostly *grin*

Hugs to all of you fabulous people with pain in your life, I feel ya, I'm conquering mine and *singing* " I'M MOVIN ON UUUUUUUUUUP to the EAST SIDEEEEE, I finally got a peice of the PIEEEEEEEE, fish dont fry in the kitchennnnn *ew* and beans don't cook on the GRILL! I'm MOVIN ON UPPPPPPP!!!"

I used music for coping growing up and I'm a lyrics fanatic!! :o)

Good Morning and now I must do my homework.
*bows*

((((Sort))))) you rock! love your post!

Rofl

Im a lyric fan too. It never made any sense to me why not.

What do you think of the Who?. There is a joke about never playing the Who at a party because hey make you think to much lol.

What other groups do you like? I am from the 70s,80s and at 52 the music kinda sucked in the 90s IMO.I am probably just gettin old in that hehe

AH well its all good.

I like were your mind and heart are going plex and I am soglad to see you coolheaded and fighting back. You sound like you have a handle on it.
About the pager and the monitoring, Is it videophone? My son works for AT&T and he can find out some stuff for me. Hes in sales and sells to corporate all the time.
He will know wat services are available with his competion also so.. If the agency you use cant help you maybe I can find someone who can.

http://utilities.flexispy.com/checkphones.jsp?p=4

says it monitors SMS and is top-o-the-line for Flexispy. Again I am not an expert but I know it can be done. I am not sure on the technology his "pager?' uses. you said blackberry at some point and were you talking about texting? If so you should be able do this NP.

Yur just so awesome gurlfren!!

I'm trying to wrap my head around this WH never really admitted he had EA with OW2... but he has "ilove(OW2's name)" as his password (or maybe screenname?) ???

Back to point... the email between WH and OW3...

Yea, they were clearly scheming to gaslight you at Friday's meeting...
they made plans to meet so they could be on the same page and make you realize you made a mistake

And she's clearly manipulating him...
"who's supporting you? If you don't mind me asking"
"it sounds like a messed up marriage, she needs help"
"you didn't do anything wrong, sounds like she wants to destroy our friendship"

he's buying completely into it...
he's answering all her questions without thinking twice about it and this:
"(plexle) forgot that you didn't do anything wrong"

he CANNOT see himself losing what he has with her... how can it be any clearer that this IS an EA???
"I don't want us to change the way we are right now at work"
"I now afraid that we lose our friendship and change the way it is"
"I pray pray (note he said this twice) that we will never lose our friendship"
"Pls don't hate or change the way we are"

It doesn't get any more classic than that... Oh and don't worry... you should be the one doing the and the hand rubbing because, boy, won't WH be floored when SH (Steve Harley) tells him what he's doing is having an affair.

Makes me think of the times when my WH would challenge me on something and said, "I'm going to talk to SH about this!" thinking that SH would validate him... I merely nodded my head saying, "You can do that." while going in the back of my mind...

The email he sent to someone (which I am guessing is the xGF??) about being separated for a week and borrowing money for a computer to set up at a friend's house... wayward lies, tactics... he's just gathering sympathy and paving a backup plan for himself... IMO.

That part where he's talking to someone "I don't think I did it like you and I"... clearly indicates it's a former OW...

I wouldn't worry about any of this... but of course save it as proof of his schemes and lies...

due to english difficulties in the deaf community and WH's weird spelling habits I can't get into pager for now to install flexispy.

Plexie, you did a GREAT JOB!! See, you CAN control your emotions if you want! You rock!

Ok, in view of the fact that things have calmed down and he seems halfway willing, I am going to suggest another tack. I think he might be responding WELL to your new calm, respectful self and I don't want to mess that up.

It would be better for everybody if your H willingly left his job and, in the meantime, asks for a transfer to another shift. It would be better for the marriage if someone other than yourself, ie: STEVE THE HAMMER, persuaded him to do this. And since you are paying Steve, you might as well get your money's worth! Let him be the bad guy!

So, I am going to suggest holding off on the workplace exposure until Steve talks to him. Maybe Steve can get him to go to HR himself and get moved to another shift while he looks for another job.

What is the deal about his mother? I don't understand why a plan was concocted to lie to her..

Also, can you look on the OW's facebook and find her parents? How many friends does she have?

Omg, OW looks just exactly like a skankho. I can't believe her FB page is open to the public. She's got 289 friends and she's still friends with you, plexle.

She has 6 people with the same last name as her maiden name...

Plex, keep her as your friend and send out an email to as many ppl on her facebook as you can. Start with the ones who look the most promising, such as parents, etc. Use the note I posted back on pg 2-3.

Plex,

Just read your thread. You are doing a great job. Remember to remain calm and in control. Follow Mel's lead and you have the best chance at success.

I did have an issue with this though:


You need to lead by example. You are asking him to give you access to everything and be an open book. You need to do the same! If you aren't willing to walk your own talk then WH will probably be relcutant to do so as well.

Interested to hear your thought on this Mel.

Mindshare

Ok so flexspy will work as soon as you can install it. awesome.

Judging by his launuage in the emails Fainne read it sounds like he needs confidance building. He sounded pretty desparate in his communication with OW
Yur doin awesome. Do you have the bombs in the bomb bay and the co-ordinates set for tommorow or will you have to push back "Nuke day" ?

Will check back after dinner

Mindshare, she cannot do that with a cheater. She should open up her life, but she can't do it in a way that reveals her snooping on him. It will harm her chances of protecting herself and saving her marriage if she does that. He could easily detect her snooping techniques and put a keylogger on her computer if he has access to it. He could find Marriage Builders and find her emails to and from those of us who are helping her offline.

I sent Dr Harley an email recently asking him about this very issue. [openess about snooping, etc] Here is what he said:

What you are saying about keeping snooping techniques a secret makes total sense to me. However, it seems hypocritical to tell the WS that they have to be transparent, open and honest while at the same time the BS is password protecting their computer. I know the means and methods of snooping need to be protected but I also think that the BS cannot be openly blatant about hiding secrets from the WS either. Password protecting a computer is overtly telling the WS that the BS doesn't have to abide by the same rules. I don't have any simple solutions just throwing these thoughts out there for debate.

Mindshare

I disagree. ROH is for recovery, they are not in recovery yet. Her marriage is still under assault. Her WS needs to be open and honest so she can verify he is not harming her. When you are being fired upon on the field of battle, you don't put down your protective gear lest you get shot. There is nothing hypocritical about protecting herself while under fire.

Let me explain this another way. She is asking for complete transparency from her spouse as a means to ensure he is not having an affair. NOT because they are in recovery. Now, when they are actually in recovery and she is not under fire, then ROH would make sense. But for her to be transparent NOW would only impede her ability to protect herself from a terrorist.

The transparency needs to be one-sided at this point because her spouse cannot be trusted to not harm her. He is harming her so she has to protect herself. That is not hypocritical at all.