Exposure is to kill the A. It's NOT an act of revenge. And don't worry about his parents - where did you get the idea that you need to coddle them from their son? They deserve to know the reality of their child's life.

Why are you covering for your WH's A?

I absolutely agree with catperson said above.

Telling the truth is never act of revenge.

You're right. I'm so afraid of what he'd do.
OMG...why hands, my whole body, cold just trying to think how I should bring the news to his parents. Would it be along the same goal if I talked to his sister first. She knows about my depression, and it hasn't been easy for us. Her 14-yrs old son is mentally challenged, I feel she might be able to understand our situation. I just don't know if I should write her or call her (they all live in PA, we're in GA). I never call her. If she's not available, I'm afraid she'd ask my H why I call?

No, it won't be the same. It's his parents from whom he seeks admiration and acceptance.

If you're too scared to do it in person, send an email to everyone. But get it done!

Do this. Are you ready?
Stop thinking about it! Stop thinking about ramifications, stop thinking about their emotional state, stop thinking about which person would be better to tell. Stop thinking about what your H will think or do. Stop...thinking!
You have identified a chink in WH's emotional armor. Exploit that chink! Call his parents. Go to their house. Don't think about it. Just. Do. It.

All in all, I'm here to gather my courage to do this. I supposed I could tell myself..what do I get to loose? after all, he said it's over. By exposing him, what's the worst he'd do? divorcing me?
I'm fearing for the worst, I want to be prepared for the worst. I'm afraid he'd do more than just being mad, nothing physical/violent, but something vindictive..

Woman up, kprisca. Just DO it.

That is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

kprisca, I hope this helps.

We are socialized to believe that we are not to offend others, to keep our secrets and to conceal our shame/anger. Therefore, it is "normal" to think that informing others of our WS behavior is somehow "wrong."

Except this is not a normal situation. This is a war between you and an alien from FantasyAffairWorld. It is a war against your marriage.

When any war is fought where punches are pulled and the "rules of engagement" favor the enemy, the only predictable outcome is a loss.

You do not want to lose this war.

MB veterans are stocking your armory. You have weapons that can not only level the playing field, but that can destroy and level your enemy -- the affair -- entirely.

If you choose to follow your ingrained senses, upon which the premise is flawed to start, then you give the advantage to your enemy.

Do not concern yourself with being "honorable" or "socially correct." Don't forget the warrior's creed:

Catperson, what I meant to say was...he said our marriage is over. To him it's been over for a long time, to which I said I don't believe him. He said he's done waiting for me to be well, and it's selfish of me to make him stay just because I wanted to show him things will change. He said the affair made him realize how unhappy he was and how detached his feeling toward me. It's been dead, and he doesn't see it any other way.

I know I sounded like I'm rambling and in denial. But what if he's telling the truth that he really doesn't want this marriage anymore?
I know this must be frustrating that I seem to argue, when you try to help me. I am so sorry, and I am so grateful for every advice and being patience with me. I am scared to make any move, I don't know what's real, I don't know which direction I should go so I won't have regrets. Although I am becoming more certain that I need to expose, I just need to stop thinking

Too funny!....simply because I am a 'chink', and often referred myself as such ...lol. I needed that, thank you...!

LOL! Yes, forgive my racial lapse in my zeal to encourage kprisca.

I am going to split a side, here - kprisca, TELL ME you're not Asian-American! That would be too coincidental! LOL

kprisca, it's called "rewriting history." All waywards do this.

Yesterday, when my WW was moving out, she informed me that our marriage had been a shambles for the past five years and that she hadn't been happy in a long time. Almost right after that, she insisted the OM had nothing to do with anything, and that it was all about OUR problems and the failure of our marriage. Right.

If it was so terrible the past five years, why did she openly state not eight months ago that she "continued to be grateful that her Higher Power had put me in her life?" Or that we bought a terrific house together in which her kids could stay when they visited (read my thread for the reason why she's not the custodial parent)? How I built her a rose garden and a vegetable garden, because she loved gardening? And how we lived in the greatest neighborhood with the greatest neighbors, her career was everything she wanted (made possible by me, of course) and that she was truly blessed by the gifts in her life?

And it all turned around six months ago. Six months, not five years. But she's rewritten history, and this is now what she tells people. Just like she tells people we separated first and THEN she found OM, even though she admitted him to me five weeks before she moved out.

It's the complete and utter fogbabble. Pay it no attention.

Forget what your WH says. His claim that "It's been over for a long time" is hogwash. IF it were over for a long time, he'd have moved out and filed for divorce. Just let his words go in one ear and out the other. Don't confront him or try to educate him. Just don't talk about the relationship. Focus instead on Plan A - exposing the affair, eliminating love busters, and meeting his top ENs.

Here are some notes on exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Precisely! You have nothing to lose. He is already lost to you and you can only hope that he finds you again. Exposing in an attempt to break up the affair will not make things worse, trust me on that.

Also, on the history re-write. Before he went to work abroad WS told me he loved me and we would be together forever now he tells people that we have been drifting for 10 years. Ignore any fogbabble like that and hold on to what you know to be true.

TM

[quote=TravelMonkey
Also, on the history re-write. Before he went to work abroad WS told me he loved me and we would be together forever now he tells people that we have been drifting for 10 years. Ignore any fogbabble like that and hold on to what you know to be true.

TM [/quote]

When my H began his EA with OW, she complained to him about her lousy M. He told her that his M "wasn't that bad." Three months later he was telling her that his M was "basically over." Hmmm...I wonder why?

Oh history re write is just GREAT isn't it. In September my WH told me we hadn't been happy for 3 years(6 months BEFORE he met OW) then in December he said for 13 years, and he didn't know why we even got married(we have been married for 12 years). If you look at my wedding pics there is no shot gun. He is even SMILING in the pics. Noone forced him to say his vows. It is all fog babbley-goop. I don't even give it the time of day. I can say we weren't perfect and maybe there had been a period of time when Ens weren't being met fully but we were happier than not. Does that make sense?

In a more lucid moment a couple of months ago, when WS opened up a little, I asked him if he is happier now than he ever was with me and he said "No". Yet he tells people that I treated him and his family badly for 21 years. I guess he must enjoy being treated badly then.

Right. And you're not listening. Or not reading the material here. Because you'd know that EVERY wayward revises history. That means that, once there is another woman, he INSTANTLY REALIZES that his whole marriage was a sham; that he was just holding it together for the kids; that he was too nice to tell you all these years how unhappy he was; that he just HAD to come out and tell you, for YOUR sake.

See, it is a SCRIPT. We call it that because ALL waywards say the exact same thing. In fact, we could have told you when youu first came on here what your WH was saying, and we would have been right.

Because they rewrite history.

It's all BS. Fog babble. To soothe their guilt.

IGNORE IT! It was NOT all over all these years. It's only been 'over' since he met OW. Once OW is gone, the fog will clear, and he'll realize you're still there, and the marriage is still good, and what was he thinking?