I would certainly want to know if my son was committing adultery. I CARE about my son and I would want to help him get his mind right by horse whipping him on the front lawn. If my son was acting in such a trashy and self destructive way I would appreciate knowing so I could help him.

Even if a parent doesn't care about his/her child and doesn't want to get involved, it still creates great pressure on the affair when the OP/WS has to explain his adultery to his parents.

TM, I thought you did this last week?? Why are you still talking about this a week later?

Thanks Mrs W. Yes, this makes sense that I should put myself in OW mother's shoes. It is only me being hurt now, but later it will be OW as well.

I had a good letter that I sent OW mother, cant find it right now...but I am trying to remember it...

I remember saying somethin like that WH is a lost soul right now but I wanted to try to keep my family together and DS and I love him, we have a DS who is six and needs his dad at home...Our M wasnt perfect, but whos is...It has its problems...Ummm If you have any influence over your daughter please try to dissuade her from making the decision to stay with a married man with a family...So I can have a chance at mending my family...Because while your DD continues seeing him I have no chance.

Divorces are very hard on families and the future would be, Child custody battles, court dates etc...I dont want that for my family...Something like that, I am gonna keep looking for it, the wording was a little better...but see if this helps at all...

Thanks stillhere8126,

We don't have children of our own but I don't think that means we don't have a family. There are plenty of nieces and nephews here that miss WS. I'd like to see your letter if you find it.

Do you think a handwritten letter would be more effective?

TM

Oh, sorry TM about the children thing...but yes you do have a family and you can reword it to fit your sitch.....I typed mine but really I do think handwritten might be better.....

For an older person, yes!

Maybe even include a snapshot of you and WH doing something "family-like" together with the neice or a pet?

Yes that is a great idea, imanotherone....and damn if I cant find a copy of that stupid letter...

Ooh- I like! The problem I have is that, unlike OW, I was never insecure in my relationship (stupid me) so I didn't take hundreds of photos of the two of us in order to make it more real. But I will have a good hunt around tonight.

Ask your family--usually relatives with kids take lots of pics..

Well, right, not that you need to give a rat's patootie about OW's "hurt" right now - and never forget that this is hurt that waywards bring upon themselves...However, I do think people forget that waywards are awash in a sea of sickness - soul sickness...I am positive that being wayward leads straight to death - both spiritual and physical...That is why exposure is such a noble thing - I know it's terribly hard for some people, but I think it helps to understand that you are absolutely helping someone by doing all that you can to get them off the road to hell...I've no doubt that that is exactly where waywardness leads...

Mrs. W

Mel, TM just found out that she exposed to the OW's birth mother before. Now she has gotten the adoptive mother's info, and is working on an exposure to her, too.

TM, even if you have to pay $15 for an intelius search, an exposure in writing would be really good. A phone call would be ok, but a letter you can read and reread, giving the same words longer to sink in. You can give her your number and offer to let her call if she has any questions.

Hi Neak,

Actually, the intellius report with the address is only $1.95!

I am going to search through my photos tonight to find some of WS and me and the girls that I can enclose. If I send it tomorrow it will be with OW mum by Tuesday next week.

Threads are merged, Travel Monkey..

TM,

If I had great advice for you I would be making the money the Harley's do counseling and saving money. It seems to me that you have decisions to make. It also seems to me that your H is avoiding making the decisions so that he doesn't have to face the pain of making the hurts you. A little late for that in my book.

You say you have plans for the future. I say stick with them absent any new data. I think your H is in a MLC, but you can do nothing about it. I think the OW your H is with is a low-life and her emails certainly indicate that she is. I think your H will live to regret his lack of moral character, but it may take decades for that to happen.

I notice there are no children associated with this marriage, thus I would tell you to step back. Plan B works but in your situation it really doesn't make any difference since you don't see him anyway. You won't take him back until a variety of things change and you can tell him that if he asks what it will take. He knows the OW has to go.

So my suggestion is to step back, lead your life, find joy in your friends, family and work. And when you decide to change your status, do so because you see better things in the future. They are out there, you just have to quit fearing what you don't know.

This is about you, your growth, your embracing your attributes and the good things in your life. Do that, don't spend any more time worrying about him. He is deep in the fog, he may be deep in a MLC, he may just truly and completely be out of love with you and unwilling to do what he vowed: to be loving toward you.

When you do interact with him, no love busters, be kind, be smiling, be gentle, and be firm in where you stand on life and your relationship with him.

That is all I can tell you to do other than look at the data, collect new data and make your decisions based on the data that is there.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Just Learning,

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread. I am definately trying to find joy in my life now. I have re-connected with old friends and for the first time in 39 years, will be spending Christmas with one of my sisters. There is so much positive to have come out of all this. I am certainly happier within myself than I was a year ago.

However, if WS asked to come back today, showed true remorse and agreed to the long list of conditions I have, then I have no doubt that I would take him back.
I have taken a step back and haven't contact him for days. I am wondering whether he will notice.

I miss not having someone to care about and who I know cares about me. My fear is that I will miss opportunities to make new friends because I am married and don't want to make any mistakes. And that is why I don't want to drag this out for much longer because I don't know how long it will take WS to wake up to what he is losing. I read Queenie's story and am amazed at her strength and patience. I thought I had it too but I don't and I just want things to move from this stalemate now.

Thank you

TM

Hi All,

I need some advice / opinions.
Exposure to all and sundry doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of difference (but who knows from this side of the mountain). He did cancel his New Year trip with OW back to UK and went to Vegas instead. I suspect this threw family plans amok as his brother and SIL in US had already booked flights to London to spend New Year as a family.

My stress levels were going overboard, so at the end of November I stopped contacting WS. I wondered if he would notice.
I always log into my instant messenger when I am on the pc and always update my status message with something close to interesting. Apart from WS, I have three other friends as contacts. WS never uses the status message function.

Three weeks into my no contact, WS puts his status message as "Friends forever", the next day "Hoping for a friendly future" then "Friendship will find a way". The day after I put my MB funny moniker (Snotty PottySniffer) he puts "Hopes all is well". Now, I know that these are generic messages like the ones I use so could be addressed for anyone. I obviously don't know what other friends he has on this instant messenger. I put some stuff about Sherlock and so does he. I sent him a generic text for Christmas - no reply. I sent one for New Year and got one back. Then I put a poll question and he answers. I put stuff about Star Trek, so does he.

In my mind, he is trying to make contact. For what purpose, I don't know. I am not in Plan B. I know from his Uncle that he is due back in 2 weeks time. I want to make more direct contact with him and thought about sending him the prospectus of a course I have applied for that starts in April. I know that if we were together he would want to do the course too.
I don't know when his assignment ends but he told his brother in October, 6 more months which would make April but that doesn't necessarily mean he is coming back.

So, finally, I get to my question. Do I contact him now, before he comes back so that he knows that I am open to communication or do I see if he takes the plunge and contacts me when he gets here? I have left the Christmas card and present I got him in our flat that he will be staying at. I don't know if OW is coming with him.

We are going to have to communicate at some point because I need to know if he is ever coming back to the UK. I can't wait in limbo forever!

Any thoughts? Thanks for making it to the end!

TM

If you're up to Plan Aing him, by all means, keep contacting him in any way you can. Remind him of good old times. Send pictures of what he's missing. Talk of the course. Good stuff.

Hi catperson,

I confess to expecting a 2x4 when I saw your name come up!

Thanks for the encouragement.

TM