Fred,

You and this lady have a mutual interest in Iceland. Share that and little else until you are divorced. Let's assume for the moment that she simply wanted to exchange thoughts and pictures of a place that she but few of her friends, found wonderful. That is fine.

Keep it to Iceland and sharing ideas on travel until such time as you are in a position to do something different. If you know what i mean. Meanwhile you get to learn more about this lady, you get to work on your skills of talking to women without coming on to them. Here is my final thought. If you truly are going to be single, the one and main reason you did not advance any relationships with other women was that you were married.

Once you are single you won't have the excuse. You need to learn to cultivate female friends that are nothing more than that without the barrier that you previously had. Once you can do that, you will find that any baggage you are carrying now will be set down. THEN, you might be ready to consider a deeper relationship with a woman.

Those are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, everyone. Just to repeat for the record: I have no intentions of pursuing anything with this lady. At least not now; the principles I held before my wife's affair are still in place. I also rarely cross paths with this woman, so I am not going to start changing my routines or meetings to seek her out.

This seemingly innocuous message caught me be surprise. The sense of shock, loneliness and battered self-esteem resulting from my wife's affair is quite commonplace, I imagine. It's a nice stroke to the ego to think that someone might find me interesting and attractive. Even if that's just something my mind is inflating to something more than it is.

JL, I like your very level-headed response. If and when I get a chance to speak with this woman again, keeping it on the topic she brought up seems to be the most risk-free method of learning how to speak with members of the opposite sex without having an "agenda."

Interestingly enough, when I was married (OK, I still am, I know. But Plan D changes things) I used to think I was capable of being "just friends" with women because I was taken -- "off the market," as it were. What I need now is to re-learn my mindset. Taking it slow is the best advice I can get, I know.

Fred, can you see why FB is such a dangerous place for married people with a depleted love bank? So many affairs begin with a casual message of interest like you just received. I have been following your journey. Once you give yourself time to heal you will be a find for some lucky woman. (-:

God's Blessings,

Say

Without a doubt, saynomore. I resisted opening a FB account until The Leopard had revealed herself, and then did so more to find out who she was seeing and what she was saying.

And found that aside from "friending" OM (there is only one other mutual friend with him), there was never any communication between the two of them via the site.

Go figure.

But I certainly agree: Facebook has changed the playing field. And not for the better, in my opinion.

I'm a married woman with a lovebank so far in the red it has imploded from the vacuum, and I enjoy Facebook enormously. I have visited online with friends I haven't seen for more than 50 years. I show my husband whatever I find that I think he might find interesting. I have nothing by neutral curiosity about the people from my past. No male friend has ever suggested anything improper to me, nor have I suggested anything improper to one of them.

I think Facebook, to take a contrarian position here, depends on the mindset of the member using it. At least initially. Once it's become a place of inappropriate interactions, I can see that going back is a bad thing for all the MB reasons. But I haven't had a "conversation" yet that my husband, at his MOST disapproving (and believe me, that's pretty doggone disapproving!), couldn't have watched, over my shoulder, as it occurred.

I think people here sometimes get to worked up over the concept of Facebook, as opposed to the actual usage of the site by the individual member. I don't know, Fred, what this lady had in mind. I think you could make a tentative case for either scenario. So just be careful. Talk Iceland with determination 'till your face freezes. If she follows your lead, she's probably just another dedicated fan. If she's got a secondary agenda, I'm of the opinion that no woman, with romance on her mind, is going to be willing to talk ice, climate, scenery, and rocks forever. She'll try to branch out, expand the conversation to more personal topics. And then you'll have your other answer...and all without your having to ask a single question.

tl

Thanks, TL. Good stuff.

I suck at this romance stuff. So, just let it play out, slowly.

Fred, I have no doubt that many women find you attractive. You may not believe it right now, but you have a lot of confidence, honesty and conviction that many women find compelling.

You are going through a period of great change, and your focus needs to be yourself first. By harnessing this situation to develop new skills and awareness, you will end up way ahead of where you started.

By all means engage with others in an honest and open way. Don't be a hermit! Your circumstance does not leave a lot of room for new romantic relationships at the moment, and you know that.

Keep it cool.

I am not happy about the dues I had to pay to get to the rooms of A.A. but I cannot begin to express my gratitude that A.A. was there when I arrived. And I'm grateful to this day that A.A. is there for me.

I say this because I don't know how people who don't have a fellowship and recovery program like A.A. handle things like we go through here. I shudder to think where I'd be (or if I'd be) now if I didn't have A.A.

Tonight I went to an old friend's annual birthday and A.A. anniversary celebration. G turned 70 in biological years and 37 in recovery years. Every year he gathers a marvelous assortment of people from his life together for a pot-luck dinner and an evening of sharing. I have been privileged to be on the invitation list for a number of years. The Leopard and I were guests throughout our marriage, but my attendance began before she and I met.

We talked about 'hope' tonight. I heard some stories that made my own travails this year pale in comparison. At one point, I recalled the old poem, Footprints:


The Lord has seen fit to provide A.A. as my 'footprints.' Tonight I was surrounded by people I know and love, and who love me. There were people with whom I have cried and poured my heart out to. And each one of them hugged me -- genuine hugs -- and told me they loved me, and that I would be OK. If there is any good to come out of the heartbreak that was the destruction of my marriage, it was this.

I don't know how people who don't have this kind of recovery network do it.

The food was terrific, too!

Hang in there Fred. You are a strong person and I have no doubt that you will get through this.

I have been going to Al-anon and it is something I should have done a long time ago. The support is terrific.

Hey Fred, what's up? How you doing?

Hi mfoss, I'm in deep Plan B/D. How are you?

I have backed away from this forum the past few days as I found it was giving me feelings of sadness, hurt and felt like it was irritating an open wound. Yesterday I read an article here that was quite poignant and right on target for me. It was written by a woman about a man, but mentally changing the gender works for me. A quote:
A very good read, in my opinion.

I am moving forward in my recovery. Sometimes it's hard to remember that it's "one day at a time," but alas, there is no other way to live it. I'm rearranging furniture, putting up new decorations, and transforming my life into something different -- without anything of her in it. Chapter M is over. Chapter N(ew) is beginning...

I'm just venting for a minute. I find it's a good way to blow off the tension of a "PTSD trigger!"

At the end of a meeting tonight, a guy I know came up to me and said he was sorry to hear about The Leopard and me. I thanked him for his sentiments, but that wasn't enough.

"I always thought you two were the perfect couple" (yeah, I've heard that often enough).

"So did I."

We spoke briefly, I let on that I was shaken, hurt, surprised and disappointed.

"She is a pretty lady," he remarked after I mentioned some other guys' interest in her. Not his -- he's never said or acted inappropriately. In fact, he's not been close to our circle at all.

Anyway, it feels like a break in Plan B. And caused by someone who was just trying to be a nice guy and meant well.

OK, thanks for letting me rant. I feel better now.

Reminds me of something a friend said to me once a longtime ago.
"A Friend in need is a P.I.T.A."

Hope your doing well Fred

You could agree with the comment on her looks, Fred. But, add :"alas, fake boobs, though. They have hardened over the years and I often chipped my teeth."

Good one by you Zelmo. Too cute.

Fred, you are doing very well, so keep up the good work. We've all taken breaks from here at one time or another.

And yeah, everytime someone mentions the wayward it feels like a break in Plan B. The downs become less frequent though.

I'm in the same boat as t&l, and ITA.

I guess I forgot to tell my daughter that I want no information on The Leopard. I was attending a vendor event today and DD28 sent me a text message. The upshot of our text exchange is thus:

The Leopard has changed her Facebook page. She's added her middle name to her identity and then wrote text to the effect, "I always hated my given name, and in a couple of months there will be a major name change, so I might as well start using my middle name now."

It's true, she told me numerous times she didn't like her given name. So now she's telling the world that her MARRIED NAME is going to be changing in a couple of months. I guess the exposure has worked to that degree anyway.

Now, before anyone gets excited, please let me say that this in no way alters my resolve to have her gone from my life. In fact, I was going to ask my attorney if I could request her to remove my surname from hers once the divorce is final. I guess I won't have to.

And no, I'm not on my pity pot, either. But I will admit that I hate these "breaks" in Plan B because I still get tense and nervous when I here here name or anything about her. Grrr....

Not only am I posting this to blow off a little steam, but also as a message to BS in Plan B: If you can at all avoid a break in Plan B, you will be much better for it!

I agree with that fred. Rest well sir