Still here.

Good night, God bless to you Vit.



And we want to see a list of your aims for 2010 on your thread Vit. ST and I have done ours. Now it's your turn.

You are a possom

You know what, I have no time for my own thread, if I try to write a list of aims, I'll never get to other threads that I learn so much from.
My time now is running out and I still haven't gotten to L4's thread which was my goal for tonight, and to wish Lil Happy Anny.

I need an elf or something like that to type for me, ooh a dictaphone would be awesome, I wonder if that's something the mods could look into or is it something I do on my end???

RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


vent over. not satisfied.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

nope. it's going to take a lot lot more than that.

Blinking heck ST.

You've made your thread go all pear shaped.

What's happened?

Are you OK?

Remember, whatever it is, that "this too shall pass".

Morning Stay,

I hope you are doing well on this sunny day. Well sunny for the PNW... Just thinking about ya..

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass. When will it pass? Old misery guts says " I don't think it will mate" " we need to talk" (as if the end of the world is dawning) so I'm off to listen and stay calm.

It has been a lovely sunny day here too. Beginning to see some pavement under the snow.

Not related to my rraaaggghhh but J says he is never going to enthusiastically agree to me going to church.

shrunk me raagghh - restored thread


Since this morning when I left to remove myself from snide remarks and muttering ( and J request I take the children to, so I did) - I have:

sent a text messages to suggest we go for a walk in the forest -this was met initially with sarcasm, so I asked for him to suggest something we might do, I got no response, except more half attempts at agreeing to a walk and more sarcasm.

I have tried to make small talk - which was met with attempt to be polite: very very very small talk back

I have asked him if he wants some food - I am cooking myself chicken and veg. He replies - no he'll do something for himself later (with the tone why would I want you to cook my tea).

I am giving despite a very very very angry taker inside of me.

I've said I'd like to eat my tea before we talk.

OK ST,

he clearly has a problem with something but his bad mood is his responsibility, not yours.

Boundary time I think.

Out of the two of us, I am the one more likely to be in a mood but we have ways of coping with them now.

BB will reaffirm his love for me, will ask me to discuss whatever it is that the problem is, will tell me he is there for me and available to listen, but will then walk away and carry on doing things with the kids or in the house.

If BB does all he can to draw me towards him and I reject those advances, then it is on ME. Affair or not.

He doesn't beg or plead with me to engage with him and I respect him more because of the boundary he has with me.

Strangely enough, I very rarely get into a mood now.

Funny, eh?????

Thank you Sere

Talk went very well, from my perspective. I kept calm, I listened, I responded carefully and kept reitterating that this was a bump in the road. We aren't smack back at 9 months ago.

He started by saying that I did the right thing to remove myself and the children today.

He went on to say how doomed we are. I reassured and reconfirmed that we're not because we know what the problems are and how to sort them. Just need to wait on this inheritance to sign up for the course, to keep us on track and maintain good habits - make us more accountable.

He doesn't know how he can not be horrible. I asked what he could do. I suggested that he always make sure his feelings are known and that he gives himslef time to think.

He complained at how he had obviously done all the housework while he was off because now he's back at work the house is a tip. I asked him to cast his mind back to the beginning of the week - the house was spotless mon and tues, I then reminded him that on wed, I left the house in a hurry having had a houseful as there was a minor emergency with BIL - (turns out he has pleurisy) and I went with sis and kids so that she could focus on him getting to hospital. I'd left a note apologising for the mess and explaining; j accpeted this as valid. Thurs he was only here with his eyes open for 10 mins and Fri, I did housework

This he all sees as fair now....

But then moved on to why I wasn't ready for him on Fri (when he woke up and we were alone in the house). The reason - because we were working on diff time frames: I did workout, got in the shower with the intention of going to wake him up as I got out (KWIM) His clock was running early (I reset it the other day (power went off) and guessed at the time). So he was up before I was ready....best laid plans and all that, my perfect timing would have been perfect had is clock have been right. But he has been walking around resentful - only just brought it up, we worked out what the prob. was together. I'm very pleased that he gave me chance to work out how it went wrong. This conversation months ago would have been very different (might have been different had we had it this morning.

We're talking nicely now but he wants to watch the telly and doesn't know how to live without it on.

Insists he's a loner and needs the telly, I told him that of all people he certainly knows that change is possible - takes work and desire but is possible. It's his choice.

Hoping for UA time on Tues

I'm pleased with me - I did boundaries (no begging or pleading), I did honesty, I did listening. I remained respectful. My anger has subsided.

J did a good job too: requesting the talk, being honest and keeping DJs to a minimum.

You were right - I think it's passed, tonight might be uncomfortable but tomorrow will be much better

Thanks for being there

Good to know things are better ST.

As I said to Queenie earlier. we're all works in progress.

This stood out to me though...


It's a choice ST.

If you are a decent person that sometimes acts horribly, then there is a gain there.

I hope you have got to the bottom of why J was in such a bad mood today because he needs to be able to share what gets him to the point at which he takes things out on you and the kids.

When I sulked, it was my way of letting BB know how unhappy I was, but it was so manipulative because I needed to make him even more unhappy than even I was.

I felt justified in my sulking and BB was so keen for me to stop sulking that he would do anything to get me out of my sulk. You just know how much resentment was building because of that dynamic.... Really, neither of us were happy when my sulking temporarily stopped because nothing was ever resolved.

J needs a safe outlet when he his issues, and it's perfectly normal for a BS to have issues 1 year out from D-Day.

So you need, when you're both in a good place, to discuss how he can talk to you when he is feeling at a low ebb, and he needs to know that it's safe for him to tell you he is feeling low without criticism.

The trick is not to take everything personally. Ask what you can do, affirm your love but then leave it, and "this too shall pass".

Speak tomorrow ST.

{{{{{{{{{{{ST}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sere is giving you awesome thoughts. I can't add much but let you know I am here.

Our taker doesn't have a gun to our head, to react how he wants us to, it's our decision whether or not we listen to him(or her ) .

I hope you are having a better night.

Luvs ya!

Thank oyu for looking out for me.

I know what his triggers are: Housework and feeling left out/me not thinking of him.

There was a very valid reason for the one day the housework wasn't done and I had left a note about it.

I tried to be there when he woke up - but our clocks were out of sync ( not that we had arranged or discussed me being there- just an unvoiced expectation of his)

He's still not quite right. I asked him to please get the kids supplements out and put them on the table this morning, he had the box down. I got the reply "what the he77 do you think I'm doing" I thought he was gettting his own out, he'd just got just his own breakfast.

A nice simple "I am" would have been fine.

He did go on to make me a cup of coffee which he very rarely does if I'm up.

Fingers crossed for later.

Ok... wait...you get in trouble for not doing housework for ONE DAY?

Yep, Queenie.

That is because I am naturally house proud and tidy. During the A things slipped and I didn't care so much, too busy sitting around drinking tea and chatting.

So if the house looks slightly neglected this triggers J.

I hope it won't always be a trigger.... when do you think it might go away?

I couldn't let this one go ST.

You're on dangerous ground if you are trying to meet unvoiced expectations. You're setting yourself up for failure and then resentment, and you may also waste valuable energy trying hard to do something that J doesn't particularly value at the expense of something that is really important to him.

I'm not saying that this is what is happening as you might be spot on with your reading of him. What I am saying is that this is a dangerous habit to get into in a marriage.

tst gave BB and I a really good exercise to do in which we looked at each of our top EN's and then discussed how we liked them to be met. There were a dew surprises in there and after the conversations we were better able to meet each others needs with precision. We have more bullseye hits now that make big deposits.

It was also a very good exercise in communication too because it was so positive.

With regard to J's triggers, can I say 2-5 years? I'm still occasionally triggered by things BB does that seem to an outsider to be completely unrelated to the A, but can take me back to that time in an instant.

I have learnt now though to let BB know that I'm triggered, and what it is that has triggered me. We discuss it and I quickly move on from it. Have you and J done any communication exercises?

I hope things are improving ST. Always remember to see these hurdles as opportunities to learn useful things about each other and our M's. They only happen to allow us to see the weaknesses in our recoveries so that we can work on them and build stronger M's.

Hi Sere,
I know, this is dodgy ground and I guess that is why I mentioned it. I think we should do those EN exercises.

What communication exercises would you suggest?

We did some housework together this afternoon and cleared out half a wardrobe, took stuff to the dump and charity shop and walked around town.

Weht to the pet shop and looked at crates and playpens. We are getting along fine since our chat. A real need to keep building though.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A: One bite at a time.

t/j: thats your taker talking mark...you need to SHARE the elephant with a WHOLE VILLAGE...just saying...t/j I always thought the idea of keeping the elephant to yourself as silly...a task that size should be shared...

OK, it's 10 o'clock at night, I've just got in from band (first time I'd picked it up since 22 Dec ) and at 7 o'clock on the way to band I took the wrong turn THREE TIMES, yes that's right 3 times, on a trip I do every week, on a trip I've done every week since I was a babe - (my grandparents lived that way).

So you can probably guess that Elephants are not making much sense to me right now.

Maybe they will in the morning....

If anyone is there right now and could help me out so that I can sleep tonight without pondering I would muchly appreciate it.