sereyou have email

I'll go read now before I respond to Vit xx

Right then

Let's have a go here.

Admiration is an exceptionally high need of mine - every time I've done enQ it's been top 3, maybe always 1. Admiration or thanks/appreication. I get admiration/appreciation from J if I do something that is usually his remit or something he appreciates. I like to get admiration for things that are my thing, things that I appreciate.

Things that we do together:
watching telly - you lot know how I feel about that
mountainbiking-I always feel that I'm holding him back
walking into town -fine if it's just for the walk ro if we push the boat out and get a coffee - but if shops are involved, he switches off
planning how to change the house - were both very good at it and enjoy it - I don't like to do it if we haven't got the money in the bank

POJA for pup has been top notch - we seem quite good at major things.

And no J shouldn't expect me to meet his ENs - I should want to.

Actually today with him looking after me and actually doing things for me it has been easy to show affection.

I did say to him that maybe i should be helpless more often. I'm not the best patient - did send him awaythe last time Im tried to get ut of bed- i hate being weak; but i love the fact tht he is taking care of everything and me.



Now then does this say sefish cake eater or does it say someone that needs a teeny weeny break? not sure whether the back is punishment for taking a selfish route or a m essage to go easy on myself and have arest.

How about Lennie? (of mice and men - me loves steinbeck and cos he might look a little like a lion)

Wasn�t he a mentally disturbed man with violent tendencies who murdered someone and then was murdered himself?????

I prefer Baliey. I wanted to call our youngest George Bailey after James Stewarts character in It�s a Wonderful Life, but BB vetoed it and we only ended up with George as a middle name., but I still love the name and the character.

I thought it was between Gary and Woodie anyway?

I'll come back to you about the rest.

It's a constant number 1 EN for BB too. I struggled with this one in our first year of recovery because I was too focused on what he had done (the A) rather than what he was doing every day to try to make me happy. I can honestly say now that me showing admiration and/or appreciation has become a habit that BB seems to really like. I know at one time I found it incerdibly annoying that he needed so much validation. I felt like I was constantly being asked to stroke his ego and I hated having to do it. It's been quite a turnaround that I think came from me accepting that this need of his was valid.

We talked earlier and you mentioned how much J does appreciate how dynamic and energetic you are, so you DO know this, so again this has to come down to communication. You, as the MB'er need to communicate this need and J needs to practice meeting it. It will feel uncomfortable at first, It certainly felt uncomfortable to me, but now it's as natural as saying I love you.

Did you do any research on communication exercises? I can't remember if it was catperson who knew about some good ones. The talking stick exercise comes to mind. Anyway, mayve you could do one of these exercises specifically aimed at what you love and admire about each other and then J can use that information to better meet your need for admiration.

The exercise that tst gave BB and I really helped us and that was to list how each of wanted our EN's to be met.

OK so not many LB� deposits from this activity
Another drawback to this activity then
I can see how this can turn into a negative experience but it can be kept putrely pleasureable if you both wish????
Again, can be a pleasant activity but only under certain circumstances.

I think you need to find more activities that are purely enjoyable for both of you. There are too many potential pitfalls in your activities for you to be making significant deposits when you spend time together. Si and I play badminton, go to the cinema, go out for meals, to the theatre, walk the dog, clean the house, play family wii games, watch football and we both take great amounts of pleasure from doing those things together. We do those things and they make significant deposits and hardly ever any withdrawals (unless he beats me on Abba Singstar).





I'm not sure I "wanted" to meet BB's need to admiration after D-Day and it was something I struggled with so I don't think its as easy as saying you should simply want to meet J's needs. However, I do think you should want to do the right thing by you, by J, by your children and by your M, and I think the right thing to do is to try always to be the best you can be. Reading The Road Less Travelled made a big difference to how I thought about being kind to others and acting in a loving way even when you don't quite feel the love. I thinks it's so easy for us to focus on what we're not getting even when we're not giving all that we can.


It's so lovely that he is taking great care of you ST but I feel hurt on his behalf that even when he does this you manage to send hin away as surplus to requirements. I wonder if his feelings were hurt by this? I wonder if he actually enjoyed the feeling of you needing him because I know from talking to BB how much by independence affected him and how much he felt pushed aside when I was so certain pre A that I didn;t need him in any way whatsover.

I make sure now that he knows how much I want and need him in my life, and he loves it.

I've rambled on a bit now and my posts are becoming long and boring. I wish I could be more concise like Mel.

ST, you and J are just the same as BB and I. We're all on our journey's towards recovery and we're hitting similar obstacles. You have the will to get there so I know you will get there. Simple. Just keep reading and learning. That is all that BB and I have done, and then we've applied the lessons we've learned to our M, and so far it's working for us, but I do know there'll be many obstacles that we'll come up against in the future and we'll tackle them as they come up.

Talk soon ST.

Why is it that if I start showing affection he starts being less than nice?

I asked for a massage yesterday afternoon- which straight away he said yes to. But then come 10 o'clock and he's turning the light off and I say have you go tthe oil he says "it's too late now" and then realises and does it resentfully

I then ask him to movee his shows which he has left on the route to the bedroom door ( I can't bend over or lift my feet very well) and he moans and grumbles.

The living room and kitchen weren't quite clean as and tidy last night which i find exceptionally frustratingas i can't do anything about it and he is here.

This morning he has a go at dd6 for not wshing the nit lotion out of her hair properly!! (thanks for them L4)

Its funny how things change o/n. I couldn,t do that love and admire exercise right now!!


I think it would be counter productive for me to go through the rest of your post right now. I'm feeling sightly venomous.

I have suggested we go out today - so that i can leave the frustration here and so that we can have coffee together. I think i can manage a walk- may have to coffee stood up though.

I'll come bach though Sere, when I,m more chilled.

Remember it's a rollercoaster ST.

Constant ups and downs, and then sometimes big downs when we least expect them.

I don't know why J would be less nice when you up the niceness, but it's likely to be a trust issue. He probably loves it when you are being afectionate or are a little more dependant but then has that little niggling thought pop into his head "is this real, can I trust this to be genuine", and as soon as that thought pops into your head, you're on the verge of a trigger because the only reason that thought pops into your head is because of the past betrayal.

The only way around this is consistency of actions from the FWS, so that trust over the little things builds, the bad thoughts diminish, and the triggers reduce.

Have a good day ST.

DH and I are more than 2 1/2 years into R and we still have occasional serious up and down swings. I am personally on a down right now which always brings me back to MB to search for the incentive to fill his LB when mine is low. (-: Take heart ST. M is difficult even if you take A out of the equation and with that history it takes alot of extra effort.

It is truly worth it in the end though as I believe that a fully restored M can be far better than what we started with.

God's Blessings,

Say

WE had a good trip out. Followed by an angry exchange on return - can't quite get his gripes out w/o a dj or mild ao

I know our M is definitely better than pre- A thanks to finding all this info and lovely people here.

Saynomore, why don't you start your own thread in recovery? - not only could we learn from you but you would have somewhere to have a little vent when you return when you need it.

Well, I'm starting here, I've been too self absorbed in my own drama and I end up with no time to learn from other threads. I have a need to stay in touch with all you gals, not sure which one that falls under ...... maybe conversation???, specifically M conversation. Hmm, not sure.

ST, I'm never quite sure if some of the feelings that you get from J are A related or history of AO related.
From understanding how us BS feel, are you able to identify which is which?
I think if J is getting better with controlling his AO's, then the bulk of the workload is still yours to own, for some time to come.

J doesn't learn MB like we do, his mindset is not focused on communicating MB style. When he complains about things to you, about you, can you interpret these into needs that he feels are his, but he communicates them by LBing??? Does that make sense, or should I explain it another way?

It seems now that I think mostly in MB style, it's hard to think like a person who doesn't think the same way.
I don't mean to think for him, I mean that it can be easy to spot a DJ, when in reality they may be expressing a need that is not being met.

I have an awesome Mocha Java in front of me right now, thanks for keeping it warm!

Vit

I'm not sure I know what a mocha java is??

You're right, it's tricky. It's complicated. The latest one was definitely due to him feeling inadequate which I can certainly relate to it being BH talk rather than plain angry.

I can tell when it is due to BH sentiments rather than just crappy moody pig bum, and when it is I do try to be lovely.

Once I step outside and see the picture.

He knows how to communicate and just actually admitted to t he fact that the internal DJs he has about me contribute to his AOs- which is something he learned in ang man.


And yes reading form you other BS certainly helps relate better. When you guys say how you feel I appreciate how he feels - harder to do it w/o your experiences because of course at the time I just hate him and don't want to try to understand.

And another confession here - although not voiced- me being laid up, is a real trigger for him - because when i was a total and utter beee-ach i made a real point of telling him how good OM was at looking after me when i was sick. This hadn't entered my head when this afternoon i commented that i found it frustrating when the house is messy and i can't do anything about it. He took it as criticism and that he isn't good enough. i'll revisit this with him when the kids are in bed. ie makesure he knows how much i appreciate his care. i do like being looked after.


He says he's on board with mb, a lot of the stuff mirros his ang man stuff - he damn well shoul put equal effort into effective communication - which incidently i think he is doing


thanks for popping in
x

glug glug glug ST.

I'm pouring a nice glass of red for you ST, and congratulating you on working through your blip.

Cheers x

Cheers Sere

I really want to open a bottle but I only ever drink half a glass and J is with the boys form work tonight - it'll be a late one!! last train back 10.50 lol - unless of course he misses it and then I won't see him til tomorrow night.

How will I fill my time this evening?

Kids to bed and maybe a bit of pampering me time?

A nice bath with lovely smellies in, and a good book?

Catch up on some MB threads? The world is your oyster ST.

BB and I will be watching Silent Witness at 9 and then we might turn the TV off for a chat and hopefully a cuddle, although I'm a bit annoyed with him as he's lost the remote control and has no recollection of where it might be.

Have a good night ST.

seeing as I couldn't sit up to watch it last night we've downloaded it to watch on iplayer in bed (In HD!!)

Have a lovely evening!

Thanks ST. You too.

I hope your back is improving.

Hey ST, my Mom and her H just rave about this stuff. Not sure if you can get it over where you are or not.
It's the third product over on the right, on the page.
It's a spray, so apparently it goes along way.

Muscle mist

I hope your back is mending too.

Luve you lots.

Hi Stay,

Happy Weekend. I just got word that I have to get dressed and get out the door. I'll be back to catch up, but wanted to say hi and tell ya I was praying and sending you good wishes for the best day of your life.

Hey thanks Queenie

I had a great day shopping with Sis and Em - We covered so so so many shops and had nice lunch in the pub and I came back love love loving my H and really keen to spend a wonderful evening with him

Wow - those acts of service get me every time - so so nice to go out for the day.

Em who we had been warned was a little tearful at the mo (lost her babe 5 weeks old 14 months ish ago) and who always alwayslets herself go with me and sis was really good: able to talk about all sorts of things that would usually trigger her without it ending in tears and I think she was chuffed with herself for that. Not only that but she bought some gorgeous tops.

And we laughed and laughed lots.

I won't be able to recapture it here - but one of the things involved this enormaous big orange thing in the sky (which was the moon) which I was trying to take pictures of on a rubbishy phone camera form inside the moving car on the way home -and all the surreal conversation that went on with it - because the others didn't believe me that it was the moon.

J is just giving sis a lift into town and getting us supplies for our evening.

Have a great w/e those of you that are just starting it and those that are half way through hope you having a lovely w/e.

Thanks for the tip with the muscle mist Vit


How about Teddy?

Hi ya,
just catching up with everyone again that I had only JUST finally caught up on before going away again.

Interesting to hear you mention acts of service.... I wonder sometimes if we given enough importance to those other ways of saying love beyond the 10 EN's on MB. I know they are not part of the official programme, but they still seem to have a place in filling the old love bank