Im need some input from the Vets on here. I havent posted in over a year . I have talked to Steve Hartley and one of the lady counslers at MB. My wife and I were married for 27 years , Im 51 she is 46, She has been in long term affair with a single guy who has never been married for 2 years and 4-5 months. He is 31 ( three years older than her nephew )She meet him at collage when she went back for her degree. I did a texbook Plan A for 9 months and Iam glad I did but was a round trip to *hell and back and back to *hell. I have been through the death of both parents and a few close people, This has been far more worse that all of the deaths combined, Anyway Steve recomended that I dont do exposure because we never had kids and other man is single. The Lady I talked with from Mb didnt recomend it either. Steve recomended a modified plan A but didnt elaberate on it.. After 9 mos of a very soilid plan A I simply could no longer put up with the LIES LIES LIES and cruelty . .I have been in a black plan B for over a year now. I have had a ton of one on one counsling with a PHD, Gone back to school and have really supprised myself by getting an A average in a very difficult field. I have made a lot of new friends and have some new hobbies that I really enjoy. For the first time in a long time I do feel good about me. .However the part about plan D making me know longer care is just not happening. She was the love of my life and in her most visious fogged out brain I could ask her to name 1 couple with a better marrage than we had..... She could not name one .. Steve says he is 100% sure this wont last but it will probaly take 3 years. .I do have hope but man I just dont know what to do. The guy is real peace of work. she has caught him cheating on her twice. I just cant see what she sees in a brain that is 15 years younger than heres. We have been seperated for about 1.5 years now. She no longer tries to contact me. She stayed on the fence until I went Dark . It was a horrible time for her also. I wish there was something I could do, She agreed not to get divorced until after I get out of school in Aug 2010. I still want her back but Iam at my wits end. If anyone knows what I can do I would love to hear it, for the ones who can only come up with dump her or give up Please Do you really think that hasnt crossed my mind 20 X a day. I think the OM would have dumped her buy now but that just isnt happening. Thanks to all , Travis

well this ones not a real big hit mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

T56,

You should confront OM, his constant carrying on with you wife is an affront to your dignity, she is STILL your wife. You should also expose OM to whomever is important to him.

What is up with OM, when I was 31 I had absolutely no sexual interest in a 46 yo woman. Is she giving him money?

NJ

Hard.

No kids? I would divorce immediately. I just don't understand BS who hang on. They talk about the years invested. I would divorce and leave the opportunity to get together again, no problem there and atleast you can look at other fish.

funny you should ask , in the beginning she was spending so much on hotel rooms that she got the bright idea to get him an apartment and foot the bills. I must say if I had it to do over again I wish I never talked to Steve , He means well but I would have had nothing to loose by exposure ( Steve has seen it backfire to much when the affair is with a single person and you have no kids) Now after all this time he has meet her family ( a bounch of dismissives) she has meet his and its just one happy life event. If I were to come in contact with this guy I would be arrested and kicked out of school and not be able to get a job in the field of my degree But he is a scrawny little shi% and the rage I feel would not be good. As far as what he sees in a 46 year old women I truly just dont get.it.. whats strange is he has an unusualy close relationship with his mother. but I dont quite know what to make of that

Unfortunately it seems Steve helped them normalise the affair by counselling against exposure. I think Plan D might work for you at this point. This is a very sad avoidable tragedy.

Years invested are Very important to most anyone who is capable of deeply loving another . Years invested are not an individual thing ,they are life as 2 not one . If they dont mean that than I think this kind of individual should never marry. I have seen this outlook before and it usually involves a childhood with parents who drink to much, not always but usually . as far as other fish go IT AINT any greener on the other side

Steves exp tells him it will die a natural death in less than 3 years ,but I just dont see anything to indicate this as typical other than at some point the OM will find a younger version of what he has now ,But that could take many many years

TM56,

Another reason to expose OM in this case is just to give him pause if he does it to someone other woman. The next marriage he breaks up might be one in which there are young children.

When an OM feels no remorse in the light of day doing this to a marriage it is really ugly.

NJ

Travis,

You thread title hit me hard because I asked myself that same question a million times. My (now) xWWs affair--some 3-4 years old--should have ended a long time ago but hasn't due to her stubbornness and refusal to admit mistakes or failure. Even despite your non-exposure (which I had as well for different reasons--my exposure was delayed but EVERYONE does know and has for several years), the "honeymoon phase" should be about done now (2-3 yrs being typical). Usually, this is when the WS starts to see REALITY rather than just soulmate FANTASY.

I don't understand Steve's advice. Even if the OM presented few good exposure targets, your WWs family/friends were available and would have been prime material. Sometimes these people have already been coapted by the WS and sometimes they are just plain UFU (utterly f****** useless) -- I experienced BOTH of those. I'm sorry, this sucks for you and your WW is on the road to personal destruction by chasing this cheating loser who is just using her while she too fogged up to see it (been there too). No matter what, she will reap what she is sowing and will end up inevitably in a VERY BAD place.

As I see it you have only 2 viable options:

1. Remain in a dark Plan B until either the affair ends or you no longer care OR

2. File for divorce now to get yourself legally and emotionally free from her betrayal and lies. There is a chance, probably not a likely one, that your strong, decisive stand may shake her up enough to end the affair on her own.


God Bless...I'm so sorry.

OM's family also would have been prime material but the affair has now been NORMALISED so it's all too late.

It may well end in 3,5,9 years (My wife's OM is now in a 20 year affair marriage) but the thing is - will you still want her and will you want to be the booby prize when OM tires of her?

TM,

""I just cant see what she sees in a brain that is 15 years younger than heres.""

My friend, I am afraid it's not the 15 year younger brain that's the big attraction. He may be a skinny little weasel but probably totes some adequate equipment.

The guy is a man/mistress being kept by the older woman. Is she living with him?

""As far as what he sees in a 46 year old women I truly just dont get.it""

FREE RENT!!!!

And he has cheated on her a couple times? And she is still mooning after him?? She loves the drama!!

You have gone back to school, met new friends, going for a degree...maybe you have moved on but you don't realize it. Let yourself move on...

Your in plan B yet seem to know alot of what is going on. Why is that I wonder.

imho

kirk

Even if the OM dumps her, she's likely to not come back to you. IMO I think Steve's advice was poor here. Not taking action when the A is first discovered simply leads it to not only growing, but your WW actually losing respect for you.

27 years of a life spent together must be hard to let go, but my advice would be to walk away. Extract yourself from that unhealthy situation as quickly as possible. For even if your WW does come back to you, what happens when the next 30-something potential OM comes along and shows some interest..?

I agree his wife is unlikely to return to him after the affair ends.

Travis,
your WW's affair will end, count on it. Everything you've said about it in the OP tells me their relationship is doomed. Either OM is going to trade your WW in for a younger model, or WW is going to catch him cheating one too many times and kick him to the curb.

Problem is, this is most likely going to take AT LEAST another year or two. Your WW has invested time and money into OM, and given up a 27-year marriage for him, so she won't give him up easily. The fact that you've "gone dark" means OM is all she has left, so she's going to hang on to him for dear life. OM's not going to give up his "sugar momma" easily either; he's not walking away from the money, sex and devotion WW is lavishing on him.

That's enough to keep their "thing" going for a couple more years, especially now that they've got their respective families to accept it. Eventually it's going to end, and end badly, but will you even WANT her back by then? It could be 2, 5, even 7 years or more.

Personally, I think you should remain in your dark plan B until your Aug. 2010 graduation, and then if WW and OM are still going strong (and they most likely will be), then go plan D and don't look back. It's the best way to preserve YOUR sanity and emotional health (which is something YOU must do, since your WW certainly hasn't been looking out for it since before you went Plan B).

Sorry you're going through this.

I tend to side with MacNut. One of the thoughts I've seen posted on this forum from time to time is the idea of going forward with Plan D, and then if things change, start dating. I kind of like this idea, as it suggests a "new beginning" as opposed to trying to fix something gone horribly wrong.

The way I feel right now, I wouldn't do this myself, but having read some things I could never have dreamed possible prior to arriving here, and knowing that the future is unknowable, even the most remotest of possibilities can't be completely dismissed.

Travis,

The reason you are not getting a lot of solid advice is you give the impression, that you will entertain only one answer. You are doing that answer and it is not working for you.

I will pretend that you actually do want some advice and just MIGHT think about taking it.

1. Why should your W's affair end? She has what she wants, she can afford to buy him an apartment and support him. She is getting out of it what she needs.

2. What makes you think that the end of the affair means YOU are her only choice? What makes you think that no matter how good YOU think the marriage was, that she does not see it that way? Wait, I know, she couldn't come up with a better marriage than yours, which she still has whenever she decides she wants it.

3. Since you won't consider divorce, then she knows that even if OM is sent packing she can pickup another OM and you will still be waiting for her, please explain to me the incentive for her to end this affair?

You have been in a black plan B for a year. You have not exposed per SH's instructions and exactly what has changed? It doesn't seem to be anything. She is busy, she is happy, she is getting her needs met. Oh and are you still supporting her financially? If so, stop it.

Young man, and you are young at your age, you have a life to live and you are not living it. Finish your degree, and get on with your life and enjoy your friends and quit worrying about your W. You know, I know, everyone here knows, that as long as she can cake eat, she will. It makes no difference to her. And yes marriages where there is a 15 year difference between the woman and the man with the man younger do work so quit worrying about his age, she finds it attractive and that is all that counts.

You want advice? I gave you some. When I was your age I was starting a new company and had kids in grade school. They are all out of college now. My point? You have a lot of live ahead of you quit, sitting there taking the mushroom treatment.

I don't care if you divorce her or not, although perhaps the only thing that might rock the cake eating nature of this is the possibility of losing her safety blanket. Since her family now accepts him as her lover, I don't think exposure will work. I do KNOW that you need to move on with your life, divorced or otherwise and stop focussing on her. Frankly, only the first 25 years of your marriage are worth spit. The last 2 years and 4-5 months don't count.

If someone came to you in your situation what would you tell them to do?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Trevis, the only hope I see for you, if you do not want to let go, is to expose. Btu at this point if his family and her family are already aware of the situation, then it will be to no avail to you.
Another thing you could do is the "man" thing. Talk to OM and tell him to leave your wife alone...
But again, it has been a year and it might be out of beat doing it now.
The best thing for you would really be to move on and from the sounds of it you have done so, it is just that you do not want to see this and are stuck into this circle of wanting to cling to an "old" identity because without it you believe you are nothing. And since you see yourself as such, this is how you are treated by others.
I would recommend you start reading some books and i recommend the following. They will help you realize that you're clinging (ours, because I am in the same position you are in) into illusions.
Books:
Eckhart Tolle's all of them
The Language of letting go by M. Beattie
How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams

Please angage in some of the above and you will see things under a different perspective. They are helping me right now going thru one of the hardest things in my life: the loss of the man I loved for 20 years and believed to me my companion for life...who kicked me to the curb to "find himself" with a woman 15 years younger....divorced, with a pacemaker and 2 challenged kids......but he is happy...so go figure.
blessings

I wonder about this as well. Exactly how dark are you? Are you providing he with any drama? If you want another perspective, my WXH is still active in his affair with OW. He moved in with her almost 3 years ago. The affair may have been a year old by then. Pretty long term according to the statistics. I know exactly what fuels this affair. It's the drama. They've had loads of it and it's still coming at them. Some has been from me but the bulk has come from OWxH in the form of child custody/visitation squabbles, assault charges, restraining orders and mandatory anger management classes. Any time they've had a break in the drama, something happens on my end. It has been never ending.

Another observation I've made on these boards when Plan B is only semi-dark is that many WS's still manage to cake eat quite comfortably. The ENs fulfilled by a semi-dark BS are often very subtle. For WH's, it's often some form of hero-complex where the guy still comes back to fix stuff and shovel snow. The BW often allows it because (a) she needs the help and (b) figures that if she stays in the house and he doesn't see her than she's maintaining her Plan B. But in reality, he's getting exactly what he needs - that ego boost for being such a wonderful ex that still takes such excellent care of his BW. Gag. I admit I haven't seen it as much for WW/BH's, but I can see how some WW's may relish the financial support or simply having a fall-back guy to go back to if everything fell apart. I don't know but it is something to think about.

Hows does WW afford to keep the OM?

Have you cut off all money to WW?

At this point stay in plan B, do a full nuclear exposure of WW's family OM family, then one week later have your lawyer serve WW with D papers.

You can always recover after a D but this will either knock WW off the fence or wake you up to realize WW wants out.