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I guess I'll have to watch my words more carefully so that I am not deemed ENTITLED or have WAYWARD thinking....  I wouldn't change a thing if I were you. Most BS, I would think, take those words the way they're intended, as encouragement. And it is like a cold drink of water for a BS who's been beaten up by an A. At least it was for me when I heard it. I think it's a phrase meant to be nice, given by nice, caring people.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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What does it mean when it's said to the BS on this forum? When I hear it on this forum, I know it's coming from a place of compassion and sincerity. And that makes me much more accepting (and appreciative) of it. I process it, and evaluate it in comparison to what I'm thinking. It has value, and I therefore I treat it appropriately. When it comes from the WS, it is questioned, I am inherently suspicious regarding it, and I perceive it to be genuinely suspect. Maybe I'm wearing my redundant hat again, but that's my two cents..... TB
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I wouldn't change a thing if I were you. Most BS, I would think, take those words the way they're intended, as encouragement. And it is like a cold drink of water for a BS who's been beaten up by an A. At least it was for me when I heard it.
I think it's a phrase meant to be nice, given by nice, caring people. Thank you, maritalbliss. This is how I have always taken it - and my intent when I give it. believer used to make the shortest posts to me - but each and every word struck a cord. Some of them were as "simple" as saying - take a breath, or YOU didn't do this, or some other short encouragement. Those "little" things are what we hang on to as lifelines when we are drowning after d-day. I think some of us get far enough out from d-day and lose sight of the trauma and terror that we go through at that time. We start to argue about symantics what does that really MEAN. Most the times, it means "I love you, I'm here for you, reach out-there are others, you are not alone."
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What does it mean when it's said to the BS on this forum? When I hear it on this forum, I know it's coming from a place of compassion and sincerity. And that makes me much more accepting (and appreciative) of it. I process it, and evaluate it in comparison to what I'm thinking. It has value, and I therefore I treat it appropriately. When it comes from the WS, it is questioned, I am inherently suspicious regarding it, and I perceive it to be genuinely suspect. Maybe I'm wearing my redundant hat again, but that's my two cents..... TB Said much better than I....... Agree wholeheartedly....
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What does this mean exactly?
Variations:
"You deserve to be loved."
"You deserve better."
Is this "advise" practical or feasible when offered to a BS?
I am never sure exactly what the BS is supposed to do with this advice/information.
I THINK it is intended to inspire the BS to love/respect themselves more than they do.
But, I'm not sure.
Debate?
Comment?
It's something people say when they can't think of anything better.
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What does this mean exactly?
Variations:
"You deserve to be loved."
"You deserve better."
Is this "advise" practical or feasible when offered to a BS?
I am never sure exactly what the BS is supposed to do with this advice/information.
I THINK it is intended to inspire the BS to love/respect themselves more than they do.
I think it's used when someone recognizes that another person (BS) has been treated horribly, and is simply acknowledging that treatment to be unjust to that person. As far as what does the BS do with it .... understands that the person saying it has compassion for their situation, it may plant a seed that they are worthy of better actions toward them if they have had a tendency to accept poor actions toward themselves in the past. Pretty much what you just said Pep, lol. I'm with Jean, I don't really like that word anymore, my FWH used it pre/intra/post A.  and I use it when I cheat on a diet.  I guess I think that it is practical when said to a BS, damaging when allowed by WS ...... or a di-ater!
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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SD quoted Eastwood a couple times from The Unforgiven. I liked it. It was a forward step in my personal recovery to finally understand and accept that�.well�.Deserves got nothin' to do with it.
Little Bill Daggett: I don't deserve this... to die like this. I was building a house.
Will Munny: Deserve's got nothin' to do with it.
[aims gun]
Little Bill Daggett: I'll see you in hell, William Munny.
Will Munny: Yeah.
[fires]
Last edited by chrisner; 01/13/10 04:47 PM.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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It was a confidence boost for me, I dont remember if that was exactly what was said....but as a BS my WH had said horrible things to me, you know, the affair was MY fault because I didnt do this and that, that he never loved me....He made me feel like I was undeserving of his love. I think a lot of BS' feel this way at the beginning...an Affair is a major blow to the BS' confidence...I felt so bad I didnt even think I deserved my DS' love.
The BS' that first come on here trying to save their M need that boost. And when a BS comes on here blindsided and lost by a spouse that didnt even think they deserved the truth and instead lied and cheated, I think they do deserve to be loved, even if its just a little love from us fellow BS'.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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I wouldn't change a thing if I were you. Most BS, I would think, take those words the way they're intended, as encouragement. And it is like a cold drink of water for a BS who's been beaten up by an A. At least it was for me when I heard it.
I think it's a phrase meant to be nice, given by nice, caring people. Thank you, maritalbliss. This is how I have always taken it - and my intent when I give it. believer used to make the shortest posts to me - but each and every word struck a cord. Some of them were as "simple" as saying - take a breath, or YOU didn't do this, or some other short encouragement. Those "little" things are what we hang on to as lifelines when we are drowning after d-day. I think some of us get far enough out from d-day and lose sight of the trauma and terror that we go through at that time. We start to argue about symantics what does that really MEAN. Most the times, it means "I love you, I'm here for you, reach out-there are others, you are not alone." I've grabbed any little words of encouragement that I could. When an A first blasts a person, they question everything, including the value they always held for themselves. Those words of encouragement were huge to me. I never once questioned them "How do you know that?" "How can you say that when you don't know me?" etc. Not once. Analysis had no place for me then. Those words were said to give comfort, and accepted in the same way.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Deserves got nothin' to do with it. yup. Sometimes, it's a good thing I don't get what I deserve 
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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yup. Sometimes, it's a good thing I don't get what I deserve Me Too!! Well the Isle of I Didn�t Deserve This is a pretty small and bitter place to spend too much time on. You finally have to build your raft, grab Wilson and get on with your life.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Thanks for all the replies and different points of view.
Very thought-provoking.
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We start to argue about symantics what does that really MEAN.
Most the times, it means "I love you, I'm here for you, reach out-there are others, you are not alone."
I think my very own Mother said to me "You did nothing to deserve this."
I cannot recall if she ever said "You deserve better." , or "You deserve to be happy."
So, I am wondering, if this is phrase is intended to alleviate suffering for the BS, when someone says the same thing to the WS, is the intention also to alleviate some suffering?
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Well.....yes. I think everything I say to a fellow BS is to alleviate suffering or to offer encouragment. when someone says the same thing to the WS, is the intention also to alleviate some suffering? Well, I personally, don't consider waywards at all. No matter what you say, they twist it to alliviete their suffing or twist it to blame it on the BS.
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When I recorded Wayzilla�s last phone call she ever made in my house to her idiot half wit enabling adulterous brother, it was all full of all the things she deserved. It was stated over and over, "You deserve:"
Happiness
A better man
A laptop bought me before she left
And LUV LUV LUV
Last edited by chrisner; 01/13/10 05:23 PM.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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I don't see this discussion as an argument at all.
I think my very own Mother said to me "You did nothing to deserve this."
I cannot recall if she ever said "You deserve better." , or "You deserve to be happy."
So, I am wondering, if this is phrase is intended to alleviate suffering for the BS, when someone says the same thing to the WS, is the intention also to alleviate some suffering? I don't see this as an argument at all. I really enjoy reading the various perspectives. When it's said to a BS, I think it's to support their position/situation. ("I can't believe WS did that! You deserve better than that! Kick 'em to the curb for treatin' you like that!") I think when it's said to a WS, it's to support their action/decision. ("BS has been treating you like dogmeat for years! You deserve better than that. OM/OW treats you like you should've been treated all along!") So, I guess it boils down to whoever says it to the respective party (BS vs. WS), is really just showing their support for that person. Perhaps it's their way of showing loyalty or allegiance. And the most common method is to characterize their spouse as pondscum -- whether it's true or not. TB
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Perhaps it's their way of showing loyalty or allegiance. And the most common method is to characterize their spouse as pondscum -- whether it's true or not.
TB
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A famous curse in ancient Greece went something to the effect, �May you receive all you deserve.�
Sometimes translated as, �May you receive everything you want,� and �Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.�
Reminds me of the old Chinese curse, �May you live in interesting times.�
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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What does this mean exactly?
Variations:
"You deserve to be loved."
"You deserve better."
Is this "advise" practical or feasible when offered to a BS?
I am never sure exactly what the BS is supposed to do with this advice/information.
I THINK it is intended to inspire the BS to love/respect themselves more than they do.
But, I'm not sure.
Debate?
Comment?
I think it is wayward fogbabble the OP says to the soon to be WS to get them to do the deed.
Me BH 49 WXW 50
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08
Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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