Sounds like she needs to get a job.

Barnboy, she has not left the OM yet.

She has had no physical contact since July, but their email relationship is ongoing, and she can't see how the emotional affair counts as an affair.

She contacts him from the computer at the public library (how embarrassing), because I have basically shut her down at the house.

BTW: I often do the dishes and clean up around the house and make dinner and breakfast for the kids.

So, for six months the EA has been going on, even after exposure?

What time limit have you set for Plan A activity?

MIM,

She said she was in no contact in counseling, but she had actually set up a secret email address that I found out about a month ago.

For the first couple months I was just getting my bearings back. I guess that was Plan Doormat. I was really devastated.

Now, I've hit the ground running with Plan A.

I don't know what the time limit will be, but I doubt I will ever go to Plan B. If I don't see any real progress in the next month or two I will go straight to Plan D.

I'm getting tired of playing games/being a detective/listening to FogBabble/fighting/not sleeping/no sex/paying for her/etc. etc.

You can go to Plan B while you're in Plan D, since you really probably don't want contact with her while you're Ding anyway...

If you're intent on this though. Plan B is best before D.

Well, I took everyone's advice and told my WW she could come upstairs and sleep in our bed, but that I would be there as well. For the first three nights, she slept with her back to me.

Last night she slept facing me. When we went to bed, I gave her a peck on the cheek and asked if she minded if I put my arm on her. She said, "Of course I could."

This is coming just three weeks after exposure, implementing Plan A, and switching to a new MC last week.

I know it's premature, but the fog seems to be lifting a little, even if only temporarily.

Awesome. Women need time. Sad but true. Good work.

@TryingEverything Good on you. Be the husband she needs you to be through this: honest, dependable, handsome, affectionate, conversational, and helpful. All while regularly stating the truth of the hurt the affair causes, and how hopeful you are for a future amazing marriage when she commits to you fully again.

You want to make yourself amazingly attractive compared even to her fantasy relationship with the other man, if at all possible.

I thought my relationship was doomed to die during my wife's eight-month EA. Things are looking much brighter now that it's been over for nearly five months.

NC in place?

If so things are moving good. Sometimes mules move forward better then WW's. Patience and time will work for you.

Doh, I forgot about that. If you have NC in place, avoid any talk about the affair unless you must, and even then stick to questions of fact (when, where, with whom) and not questions of interpretation (why, what were you thinking, etc.)

But if NC isn't in place, keep up the reminders that you think you can have a fantastic marriage once the OM is out of the picture...

Sometimes??

NC is NOT in place. No physical contact, but they are still emailing once in a while. Will let you know if and when NC happens.

Have you removed her ability to email him from your house?

Yeah, she doesn't email from the house anymore. She goes to the public library. I know she does this because I called her out on it before and she admitted to it.

I have no idea how emailing this guy from the public library can make her feel good. It's got to feel humiliating and desperate. Yet, she won't stop.

Crack addicts will go to the worst areas in town, into the worst crack houses imaginable. This is no different.

Plan A is to persuade your spouse back to the marriage. Small steps. You took one by showing her some affection and consideration, moving her back into the bedroom.

Now start hammering those ENs home, avoiding Love Busters, stating your requirements for recovery, and expressing your hopes for a beautiful marriage once the other man is no longer in your marriage. You will win her back!

1. Affection. Don't just think physical affection. Get used to asking her "How can I help you?" Let her know you're thinking about her all day long. Type up a sheet of paper full of reasons you love her, cut it up, and place those slips of paper in places she'll find around the house.

2. Conversation. Find excuses to talk to her about anything. Remember what some of her passions are, and do some research (Google is your friend) so that you can talk about them competently to fill that need. Avoid all talk of the affair and recovery if possible... the only recovery talk you want from her is her promise to the 3 conditions of recovery (no contact for life, complete transparency, and a marital recovery program together).

3. Recreational Companionship. A big one for you, probably not so much for her, but it can give you the strength to keep up your Plan A. Find things that are fun to do together. Take her out on dates a couple of nights a week or more. This is one HUGE home-field advantage you have over the other man. He can't possibly meet all her needs when he's forced to only talk to her in spurts here and there. Don't smother her, but try to keep your interactions relentlessly positive.

4. Sexual Fulfillment. This is a big one for you, not for her, again, but the combination of these four is called "Romance" and you instinctively tend to fill these. If you can show her how sexy she is, how much you desire her, and increase her sexual attraction toward you, you can exploit that contrast effect again to make yourself look more desirable than the other man.

And never, ever spring the one-eyed pirate on her when she's unprepared. Make her long to have you; escalate on her, see how far you can take the foreplay before she's begging you for more.

There are, of course, more, but remember those are the Big Four. They compose "Romance", and tend to deposit more Love Units in combination than anything else in your relationship.

No demands, just expectations of a great recovery once she makes the three commitments to recovery (no-contact for life with OM including EPs to prevent contact, complete transparency, commitment to a marital recovery program with you). And, every so often, let her know you cannot emotionally cope with the current situation forever, and without those commitments from her, your marriage will not become the wonderful marriage you know it can be. Don't make it a threat, but an understanding: I want to be a transformed man who can meet your needs in an extraordinary way, but I can't do that indefinitely with the other man in our marriage in any way.

Many women in this situation, once you start hitting those needs hard and really working to control your own Love Busters, realize what they stand to lose if they continue their relationship. Eventually they come around. You're making turns for the better, and you can take it to the next level with the opportunities she's giving you.

Great advice Barnboy!

Thank you.

New counselor is making a world of difference.

Just last week, WW and I had our tenth or so session with our regular marriage counselor. This lady is horrible. She always asks stuff like, "So how do you feel today?"

Well, how do you think I feel!!!

Each week we go there, it's like this counselor is a ref so that WW and I can fight. The only progress we've made is getting closer and closer to divorce. So last Friday, after some research, we started with a new MC. He's a real specialist with infidelity, has written some books and given lectures on the topic.

Last Friday, we had our first session. And this week, WW and I had individual sessions.

What a world of difference! Between this new guy, exposure and Plan A, I finally feel like the fog is lifting. Maybe it's just temporary, but there' a huge shift. Only draw back: the new MC doesn't take insurance and he's expensive. But I'm sure he's a lot cheaper than divorce!