Agree with ya there....good that you are already getting advice from an atty.

Use the plans incl exposure although it seems your WW's A is one of those in your face affairs. Even if the marriage ultimately fails, you want to break this A up - you dont want the OM involved in the family.

Exposure will bring some light to their little dark secret life. Have seen exposure on this and other forums where the OM establishes NC and runs back to repair the damage in his marriage.

Her response from exposure can range from being flippant/doesnt care-marriage was over anyway and she is in love. This is not a good indicator of the future. This sense of entitlement is difficult to get past.

Or she will be a vicious and vile animal. Anyway, anger will indicate you have burst the fantasy bubble.

Level of anger will also be an indicator how effective was the exposure. It can be a real game changer and an emotional power shift/ And not to forget -she will hate you for doing this which will make Plan A a tough road for a while.

My wife went into a month long dispair and never left the bedroom or house. And I never got to expose - unknown to me at the time - my sons (22 and 16 yr old) beat me to it and paid a visit to the OM. It took some time to get things back to normal but eventually this ordeal is past and we moved forward. Will be celebrating 30 yrs this year.

Have to admire how you seem; through your writing, to keep your head level and straight in light of her lack of respect she has shown you. Keep your emotions under wraps, having a plan and executing it well are key components to breaking this up and perhaps saving your marriage - good luck.

hope this rambling has some sense to it.

In Texas, you can deed the house to one or the other, or you can sell it. That's one of the other problems here, we bought in 06 at peak time and we have no equity, so we would walk away with nothing.

rwinger

"my sons (22 and 16 yr old) beat me to it and paid a visit to the OM."

Can you share this part of your story in detail?

Thanks for the support. Believe me, it's all I can do not to choke her right now. Yes, the flippant, blatent attitude is the part I don't get. Last week, she was all crying, sending love notes etc. Now this. She's been real nice, very cordial and converstional, but at the same time she is being smug. Last night she came home mad because I told my sister and she saw me looking at houses on line. She asked me why I was looking at homes again, that no decissions had been made and I shouldn't have told my sister. WTF!! Let's see, I am suppose to WAIT for her to make up her mind six months from now and be caught flat footed? She won't admit it, but he will be with her this weekend, I found condoms in her purse and birth control pills.....yuk! Think I'll send a bottle of champagne up to her room Sunday night after they arrive and I have called everyone. I'm sure they will be in a real celebratory mood.

Princess: Thanks for the advice. I understand about the exposure and how it needs to be done and the after effects. But it's the after that has me confused. So she calls all pissed and I should remain calm and say "i'm doing this for us" or some other thing. I mean at this point isn't it better to show some metal? Say something like, I gave you every opportunity to work this out...I told you it cannot continue both ways, either you want to try and work it out or be with him. I'm not some doormat you can come home and wipe your dirty little feet on. I've been home caring for the kids. keeping everything together and you've been absent from all of our lives for a long time. We'll be fine, you just move along. Sorry to ramble, but why would something like that not be more effective. Im no shrink, so I don't know. Yes, it may tell her we're done, but WTF, she cannot have her cake and eat it too. She has to know that there are consiquenses for her actions. Exposing her, then being nice and waiting six months for it to end is like saying go have your fun, when you get it out of your system come on back. I'll take care of the house and kids while your away. I'll cook, clean and take care of it all for you. I'll wait till your done to have sex again and it will all be perfect when you come back to earth.....really, how is that done?I could be nice when she comes back, but she needs to know that there is NO chance of reconciliation as long as he's around. I've told her how I feel, that I would like to TRY and work things out, that I could and would change some things to make it work. I'm willing to set aside my pride, but I will not allow her to tramble on my dignity. I understand what Dr.Harley is saying about plan A and I am willing to try, but not if it's one sided.

Brother as 'rwinger' said, you seem to be very cool and calm...while the A is going on...!! I know I lost it and my wifes A's were over 20 years ago.

I understand about choking her out, (the OM while you're at it), with you on that too.

I also understand about the house situation, that sucks.

Finding condoms and b/c pills? Yikes that sucks badly. Yea send the Champagne with a card saying Bob, Sue, Don, etc, etc, etc, (family members that now know), also send their love and to have fun...!!

I don't blame you for looking at houses and so forth, WTF are you supposed to do? She is banging some dude basically in front of you and you're supposed to wait for them to decide what they want to do first?

Let her get angry, f-her and him.

Yea she is cake eating, at your expense. Just think if you were banging some chick and she knew about it, and you were trying to get her to accept it, to wait for you to 'figure it out', and all that other BS.

Do you think she would be at home, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kiddies, waiting for you to come home from having sex with the OW..?

Bet not.

If you want to save the M, then yea. A wayward needs to know there is a path back if thats what the BS wants. If you tell her "Screw you, I told you to choose. Now it's to late", then she may actually believe you.

Waywards are stupid like that.


This is one way to go.
Especially if you want Plan-D.

Because if you want to save your marriage, you must treat her like an addict. You don't tell an addict "Stop or hit the road" if you don't want them to hit the road. Because most times they won't stop, you make the drug difficult to get and have an intervention (Exposure) and show them a better way during rehab (Plan-A)

Plan-A is always one sided when trying to end an affair. Until the affair is ended she will be cold, distant, and uncaring to you. Once it has ended, the Fog will start to clear and then she will start to realize what she has done.

I've never done what you are about to do. I was the WH in my marriage. But here is what I would do:

I wouldn't expose when she is in her lover's arms naked having sex. I would do it right now. Anyone and everyone who has an influence on your WW, I would tell them now, BEFORE she goes out of town. I would send emails to several of OM's friends on Fakebook, particularly the ones with the same last name that are obviously relatives. Mention the kids and how he is ripping their mother away from them. There is a chance that OM might say she's not worth it and drop her (we've seen it done before). He probably would not drop her if she were in his bed though. So I'd do it now. The buck stops here.

I would tell your W to cancel her business trip. As of right now, you are fighting for your M. Your M can withstand her anger, but it cannot withstand her having sex with another man. The vets who have been through this can tell you her script ("how could you do this" and "I was almost ready to commit to you" and "how can I trust you now" -- that last one is the best).

Anyhow, I think that waiting until they are together would be a strategic mistake. If you want the best chance to save your M, I would break up the A now, not while she and POSOM are together to support one another.

This makes sens.
Perhaps you should do it now.
Mention the kids and there planed sexual meeting on her upcoming buisness trip.

Expose to everyone.
Send freind requests to OM FB freinds with an exposure note in it.

Patriot,

I have to give you credit and I think I'm going to be in disagreement with others on here. I think your backbone response is called for and awesome.

The problem is that the responses recommended to give are usually done and given to men who are afraid of the anger and need something to say to the WW who is in a rage.

You on the other hand seem to want to have the backbone and have the cajones to stand up and say what you feel about what she's doing.

THAT shows a lot of self respect and I commend you for it.

I think that backbone is called for when you can muster it and that you SHOULD muster it.

Telling her what you said is perfect, in my book, because it does show you're not one that will be cheated on and that you will not stand her cake eating.

She's the one who effed up. She's the one that has to prove to you she can be trusted. She's the one openly screwing another man while you're home with the kids and taking care of the house.

I wish more men on here had your backbone. I wish I had had your backbone.

By all means, if you can muster more of a response than what is recommended, you have every right.

Yes, you're trying to save your marriage and disrupting the plans of a cheating woman is a good thing.

I feel that a BH is much more free to make good decisions if he has the self respect to know that A: he'll be just fine without this cheating woman in his life, and B: He could give a rats a$$ about her getting angry.

Good on you for having self respect.

Although your "backbone" response is very attractive, it is attractive to YOUR TAKER. It is not what you would want to do in a case where you are trying to SAVE your MARRIAGE.

If you want to move on and not save your M than there are many people who could help you with advice about that. If you would like to attempt to SAVE your M than follow the advice given to you in that regards.

EXPOSE, PLAN A, be prepared in case you have to go to PLAN B.

There are MANY people who will help you through all of these stages. If you are in PLAN A, the "backbone" response is contrary to it. Use the responses that the vets have suggested. I always knew I was doing the right thing because it went AGAINST what my instincts were telling me to say/do. I mean my INSTINCTS got me to where I was in the first place and as Dr. Phil often says, "And how is that working for you?"

x2

The backbone response is not conductive to recovery.

Wich one you use depends on your goals.

Disgagree. His wife is flaunting her A in front of him. I would MAN UP and file for D IMMEDIATELY. He has essentially been living in PLAN A while she has abused him. Its time to man up. Go plan D and EXPOSE THIS TO THE WORLD!! Then, lets see what her reaction is, you can always halt a divorce. DUDE

It all depends on his goals.

Do not seek a divorce, if you do not want one.

If you do want one, do not seek recovery.

He has NOT been in plan A. He has not exposed. He has been waiting for her decision - plan Doormat. Obviously he will retain the right to D her, but I believe that he would rather try to save his M first.

I NEVER understand the "File for D IMMEDIATELY" advice. I was pretty sure that I have read many times that only file for D if YOU WANT to be D. As far as what I understand patriot does NOT want to be D.

Just because you in a Plan A, it does NOT mean that you do anything to allow the A to continue. You must do and say things that would show that you do not accept the behaviour. You can not control what anyone else does. You can manipulate people by bullying them.

Is there a time to file D? Sure. The time to file for a D is when you have tried other things and now you give up hope. Filing for a D should not be used as a bullying tactic IMHO.

He doesn't know his goals, in the meantime he goes insane from all the emotional abuse. This B thinks she can do whatever she wants to him. He needs to protect himself at this point. DUDE