Yes, I think he would tell me. He tells me everything it seems. So far Wxh has not done anything too crazy with ds...lets a trashy young woman (an apt complex neighbor) come visit all the time while ds is there...I don't think he is involved with her...but she is not a good influence to be around my son. I told ds that too...that I don't 'dislike' this girl..not jealous of her, don't even care that/if Wxh is seeing her...just don't want trashy people around my son.

Was he a good drunk driver, like my dad?

You have good instincts, SW, and have done a great job with that boy.

The guy was awesome. He could do anything hammered. Tried cases, could break par on the course. His dad was the same. He designed the USS United States and the USS America and the foundation for the Empire States Building. He had a skyscraper going up during the depression that was taller than the Empire States.
They'd find my grandfather in bars with his designs on matchbooks after having been gone for weeks at a time.

Thanks Melody. It is good to hear that after the beating I take on the 101 forum.

They sound like very unique men.

I agree. And she HAS let him know. A lot. The issue I had is that her son is so enmeshed, parentified, into pleasing his mother, that he is learning to forego his own wants and needs in order to please his mother. That's all I was trying to prevent.

Despite SW thinking I disagree with EVERYTHING in her life, I think she's a fine mother. I just think she's too raw at this moment, and pleasing her is guiding everything he does. I foresee him giving up his dad, to please her; that's all.

I agree. Never have disagreed. And she has let her son know VERY well what she thinks of her ex AND OW. MANY times. Which is why ds is even afraid to 'want' to visit his dad with OW.

ds knows VERY well what's right and wrong. She's been telling him what's wrong with his dad for quite awhile. Verbally and otherwise.

Cat I'd like to stick my tongue out at you. You take anything I post and make it be THE theme of my life and interactions with ds. You remind me of my XMIL who saw a picture of us on vacation in the Bahamas....with a Bahama Mama drink on the table...and then became convinced I (only me, not her son) was an alcoholic.

Ds came home just now. I asked him if he had a good time. He told me what they did....got his dad a hair cut and went to supper. I asked him if he had something delicious...he told me what he ate. I said, 'yum. Glad you had fun. Want some fresh baked cookies and a glass of cold milk?' Yep, sure do mom.

So....stop telling me I'm all about jacking him up about his dad. As Melody and others have pointed out his dad has done TERRIBLE things. When those things came up, before separation and divorce, how was I suppose to handle it with ds? Whitewash it? Oh, son, it is ok that your dad calls me a f'ing b....just love him cuz he is your father. I did the best I could...I told him his dad had problems and it was never ok to speak that way to someone and the best we could do (at that time) was to learn the lesson to not treat others that way.

Somehow you have it in your head that I am a terrible, controlling, overbearing crazy mother. I'm doing the best I can. I love him. I feel I've been about 90% of the parenting in this family...Before D-day, Wxh was NEVER in our lives...at HIS doing. He went his way and I went mine with ds. That is not on me. I was married to a freak...I"m finding more and more out about him all of the time. For instance tonight my brother recounted that the first year we were married Wxh had my then 13 year old brother peeping into neighbors windows near our house. Sooooooo many stories. Things my brother once thought were being made up by XH...now he thinks they are probably true. I think I was married to a sociopath...Melody called that early on when I came here almost 3 years ago.

Honestly....? I think my Wxh is so bad of a moral example that poor ds would be better off without him. I could be wrong...but that is why I keep telling ds so clearly what is right and what is wrong.

And btw, ds isn't 'afraid'. He discussed it with me. We worked it out that ds isn't responsible for any of this. He isn't afraid Cat. He expressed his concern that I would be upset. Why is that so terrible? He sees it for what it is.

I don't have any idea what this is supposed to mean, cat. But I do see that your posts don't achieve anything besides upsetting SmilingWoman for no apparent reason. Do you not think that she has enough to deal with already? She has done an excellent job of preparing her son for a very bad situation and I see nothing here indictating otherwise. What gives with these vague, incomprehensible criticisms?

SW's husband sounds like a sociopathic scumbag, one of the rare male examples.

What gives is the relationship the three of them had before she discovered the affair. The dad was pretty much excluded from their lives. I'm not saying he was a great dad, but the son and dad had a strenuous relationship to begin with, and that seemed to be fine with SW, based on the interactions they described. Dad didn't participate in her religion and other beliefs, and IMO she made it very clear that ds would live in HER world, not his. SW and I had this disagreement a year ago, before she snooped, and nothing has changed. He still seems to feel like he has to protect his mom from his dad.

That's fine. You all think she should let ds take a stand, even though he's only 9 years old. Go for it. Pardon the intrusion.

I would suggest that she has her hands pretty full with the PRESENT and oughta leave the past in the past.

Cat I just want to scream. This is NOT true. He was NOT excluded from our lives. HE EXCLUDED US from his life. He was out running and gunning and partying..he was ALWAYS welcome in our life. As far as religion, he has none, so yeah, I taught our son MY religion. And btw, that was agreed upon before I got pregnant....he told me I would have to do that alone....and that is what I did.

He NEVER invited us to go anywhere with him. Ever. He would go see his mother alone even. He certainly went fishing/boating/skiing/4 wheeling/football watching/bar hopping without me or ds. HE cut HIMSELF off from me even before ds was born.

I do not know why you are so bent on making this MY fault. I know I am not perfect, but I wanted a life with him and he refused it. And all along he was cheating on me. Why can't you just admit that he is a sorry loser.

And I don't really see him not wanting to see his dad. If he does it won't be because of what I've done. So stop blaming me!

Fine with me? Yeah Cat that is what I wanted. My son and his father to have strenuous relations. Please.

SW, why not put her on ignore?

SW i think you are doing a fine job with your son, keep up the good work!!!!

In one way my h sounds the same, he complains that the kids do not "love him" and it is hard for me to explain his reason why.

However i can tell you the reason why, i sometimes just sit where the kids are and listen to their conversation and interject my thoughts now and then, he sits in front of the tv either in the living room or out in the garage in his "man cave".

Therefore i know more about what is going on in the kids lives just because i sit there and talk with them, it is not like they seek me out and talk to me, i talk to them uninvited, i don't need an invitation to talk to my own children.

So i feel that is his own fault too, we include him in when he is in the room with us.......... so IMHO he EXCLUDES himself by going into the other room.

SW, you are doing a wonderful job, esp. given the stress your jacka$$ WH has put on your family...You have to know that. You are a very caring mother and even just being on here posting shows how much you care....Dont let anybody convince you otherwise.

(((((SW and DS)))))
Ya'll are going to be OK...I can just feel it.