First post. Discovered all I need to know that H who is prof is having affair with 40-something doctoral student who is his advisee. H is 57, nationally known scholar with stellar reputation in his field. I confronted and got the "we're just friends" line which I now know after reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is bull crap.

I have 40 pages of emails between them printed off after I was able to figure out his password. After the initial D day talk and his continued denial of anything other than friendship, I kept at it till I got their emails and put a copy in my own safety deposit box, then confronted him with a second copy of all of it. He finally broke down and says he feels addicted to the emails and contacts with her. Denies physical affair but I found proof that she was in his hotel room at a professional conference they both went to 3 months ago. So, told him he must think I'm a fool.

I told him if he wants to stay in our home and work on marriage, I'll try, but he must drop her as an advisee NOW. Told me it would raise eyebrows at his university as she is in last semester of disseratation after a 5 year program. No other prof will pick up in the middle of a research disseratation he has advised to this point.

I'm considering my next move....I am tempted to go to his department's academic dean and spill the story, however, it may or may not cause problems for him. I have a Ph.D. and must say academia is famous for profs and students hooking up. In my own doctoral program several years ago, almost all of my middle age male profs had divorced wives to marry younger grad student advisees. Infidelity seems rampant in these settings, especially among adult students and profs in grad programs.

I'm confused about my next steps....

Me: 52
WH: 57
Married: 29 years
No children

I know your hurt so please be strong.
My H too is a teacher and he had A with a collegue 5 years ago. I did not expose and now he is on his second A (with downstairs neighbor) and he is gone, moved out and spends all his free time with her.
Ladylong, it is true that the teaching world is a fertile ground for A. But this is not a justification. How do you feel about it?
I would tell your H that he can't have her as his assistant any longer even if that jeopardizes her dissertation. It is up to him to find a solution not you. He is the one having the A.
Should he refuse to do this, then he needs to move out and you need to start plan B.
I am not sure about exposure. If that would shame your H, go ahead. However if he could lose his job and income then you will suffer from it as well.
Just wait for the veterans on this forum to answer that. Also if you can afford it, consult with Steve Harley.
Be strong and believe that this was meant to happen to you and that it is an opportunity for growth. Turn the pain of the situation into fuel to know more about you and what you want.
blessing

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. But there is very good advice on this site.

Have you read the materials on this site? Also, Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair"?

Of course, he will not want to drop OW as an advisee. He really just wants to continue the A without interference from you. Your instincts are good. Expose the affair to whomever can help end it - his family, at work, close friends, etc.

Best wishes.

AM

PS The purpose of exposure is to end the affair, not revenge. H will need to never see or speak to this OW again if your M is to recover.

Wait on the exposure part. See what the veterans tell you.
blessing

Thank you atena. I am pretty devastated but also mad as hell. We've had a great marriage, both in similar fields, travelled working together all over the world. Always both been proud of the fact we've had a loving, caring relationship while functioning as marital and intellectual equals.

I'm not afraid of him leaving. I'm financially independent and have my own separate investments, funds, accounts, etc. We jointly own two homes outright (our primary residence and a vacation home).

If I expose him, it will make the news because he is well known as an "expert" in the U.S. So, not sure where to go with this other than to kick his butt out and let him answer questions and deal with the fallout. I have been hugely disrespected by his actions.....he says he became slowly "addicted" to this woman by close work for so long....says he couldn't stop himself although he knew he should have. Sorry, buddy, no excuse. He manages to handle all other aspects of his life and career with great control......

Read "Surviving an Affair" and prepare to ride the long rollercoaster of personal and/or marital recovery.

Have you decided if you want to save your marriage or not? Many people don't. Even the founder of marriagebuilders said that if he discovered his W in an affair, he would never see or speak with her again. On the other hand, most advise not to make this decision right away - too many emotions.

There are a couple of good threads to look at. One is how affairs start. And there is a newsletter about exposure about when it is advised and when not advised.

AM

I'm not sure if I can get past the lying, sneaky behavior that occurred before I figured out what was going on. For the past 6 months he had been very distant, critical of me. Frankly, I was so distracted by the issues around the serious illness and death of my mother and all the time I spent trying to figure out what care she needed, handling her estate, selling her home, etc. that I know I was not on my game. After almost 30 years of marriage, you'd think I'd get support rather than have him so needy that he couldn't endure 6 months of my being distracted and somewhat consumed by trying to do right by my mother and take care of her (not in our home....nursing facility).

If he's that self-centered that he can't be a support rather than seek his own comfort during times of stress....how could I count on him if my health failed? My guess is he'd go running in another direction to not have to face any difficulties. Just how I'm feeling right now.

Can't decide if I can do the work on this relationship.....

Ladylonglegs,
yes the disrespect is what hurts most. Possibly many know about your H's A and that is also shameful. In my case the whole neighborhood knew...except me and my son.
Do you have kids?
Your H is giving you all the excuses possible to justify is CHOICE. As you said, he has control about many aspects of his life and could have done the same about this woman. But he decided not to.
There are consequences to a choice to have an A. One of them is the loss of the wife and comfortable lifestyle and reputation one once earned and had.
MB recommends exposure in most cases even if Steve Harley recommends not to from time to time. You H has a lot to lose. I was against exposure in the past and then I realized that my silence only enabled my H to have his second and fatal A (fatal for our M).
The thing is, A are seen as an acceptable behaviour in our society...men are little raskals who sooner or later are going to frolic with a younger maiden...and the W should be understanding.. after all he will come back to her.
I am convinced it is up to us to change this attitude so my first gut feeling tells me you should expose.
Of course your emotions are very raw right now, however, your H must go no contact -NC -with her immediately, otherwise I would kick him out.
blessing

Both my H's A were an escape from problems I was having with my work environment.
In his first, I was in a very distressed working environment for 3 months...all it took for him to seek another woman. In the second case I was dealing with a demanding course I was teaching. All it took was two months of this for him to turn to neighbor W.
All along H has had many crises and problems...but I never cheated on him.
Yes, they can be very very self centered, and as they age there are other issues: My H's OW is 15 years younger and man as they age are flattered by the attention of younger women. They find that irresistible. They might also be having erection problems and being with a younger woman makes them feel young again. It is very much of a fantasy....but the destruction they bring to their lives and the lives of others is real.
What your H did is very typical and it is by no means justifiable.
blessing

I'm so confused in my thinking that I'm not doing anything for the moment. I'm a very logical thinker usually, but this has thrown me into emotional and mental confusion and I think I need some time to just calm down and think rationally about my options, what kind of future I want, and where he may or may not fit in to that. My mind is racing all the time and I'm vascillating betweeen tears and cursing him.

He's sleeping in the guest room now. I took all of his clothes out of our huge walk in closet and threw them down the staircase yesterday and told him to stay out of our bedroom suite. He hasn't left, which surprises me. I figured he'd just move out. I probably would have been relieved if he did. However, I think he's afraid of what I'll do. I also think he's deathly afraid of the consequences of exposure of his affair, although the department he's in is a little Peyton Place of gossip, and I can't imagine that many there haven't found out about him. Also, I think Miss Hot Pants grad student wants people to know but wants him to think she's trying to hide their relationship. One of the ways I found out about the whole thing was through 2 anonymous phone calls from a woman's voice saying "Your H is involved with another woman". My guess is it was her.....she wanted me to know I'm sure so our marriage would blow up. She's divorced.

Take a look at that Anatomy of an Affair thread. It sounds as if this may have been the path of your H. Many As are not planned and people slide into them. Also, I will try to bump the thread with the link to the exposure newsletter. It is good reading as well.

Yes, the betrayal and lying are often as bad as the A itself. Dr. Harley talks about openness and honesty in M. Lying and independent behavior are huge lovebusters. Read, read, read here.

In my case, H and I are in a very bumpy recovery - but still working at it. He refused to be open and honest for more than a year and I could not recover without it.

AM

Yes, your H is certainly afraid of the loss of reputation he will incurr if the A is exposed. Of course everyone knows.. but one thing is if you take a stance against it and kick your H out...then it looks bad.
Of course OW is a piece of trash and is looking to secure her future with your prestigious H...who might lose his reputation...then, maybe he might not looks so hot to her any longer.
blessing

Not a lot of posters here on the week ends. Things will pick up this evening.

You did good by finding proof then saving it in a secure place.

This affair needs to be exposed and NC in place. WH and OW can never work together.

Expose to WH parents, his siblings, kids, OWH/OWBF, OW parents.

You must also expose this affair at work. Write letter/email to the college president, CC Director or HR, the Board of Directors.

I understand. I discovered my H's A in April 2008 and it brought me to my knees. I too have a PhD (Phi Beta Kappa), am a retired Army Colonel, had a successful professional career and raised three children. But my husband's A shook me to my core. It does get better though.

You are a smart woman. Arm yourself with knowledge. Read everything here to include the books, "Lovebusters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I learned a huge amount about addiction and the addictive nature of As.

AM

Ladylonglegs, for some reason I am very drawn to your story. I confess that I'm not a "veteran" per se, but like everyone here have had my life devastated by my spouse's affair. She has moved out and we are in the "waiting period" for divorce. I say this because the primary intent of this forum is to save marriages, if possible, and when the betrayed spouse wants to.

This is the weekend, and the veterans aren't as active. So I go along with the advice that recommends you read Dr. Harley's articles, the Basic Concepts, Emotional Needs, "Love Busters" and Surviving Infidelity. The box labeled "Most Popular Links" to the right of this page are a good place to start.

First, you must decide if you want to save your marriage. 29 years is not something to throw away lightly. Saving it will take a lot of hard work, however, and your husband will go through terrible rages during the process. The emotional battering you will have to endure is as bad or worse than what you're feeling now. But the principles you will be given have been proven to work. If you want to work them.

Surviving an affair here most often means "rescuing the marriage." But in some cases (I count myself among them) surviving means getting free of a very disordered condition and recovering. We can help you there, too.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you're here. Please read up on the site's concepts, decide what you want to do and then let us help you do it.

I understand about "Miss Hot Pants" wanting you to know and maybe being the anonymous caller. In my case, the OW accidentally sent a text message at three in the morning. H denied an A and it continued for three days, until I got the phone bill and details.

My point is that OW will be trying to break the marriage right now. She will do/say things that will illicit your anger. Staying calm is hard, but important. In MB terms, this is Plan A. I was terrible at it and really let H have the brunt of my anger.

I think it is best if you (and your H too when he is clear headed in his thinking) decide what you want - not as a reaction of OW's actions. Sorry - I hope this is clear enough.

AM

Maybe I'm thinking very selfishly right now, but all I can feel is tired when I think of the work it would take to fix this mess. I'm 53, still pretty good looking, financially independent and wanting to enjoy the next 10 years fully. I can't see how this would be fixed in anything less than years from what I read here before I started posting. And then, how do you open and share yourself fully to someone who is willing to take his lover and partner for 30 years and lie to you, treat you shabbily and do whatever he did to justify his affair by making me the bad wife? Do I need someone like that in my life, even though we had a long run with a good marriage? Of course, I could be blind and maybe he's had more than just this affair.....he certainly had opportunities with the travel, reasearch and student relationships that occur during long graduate programs. However, I like to think I would have picked up vibes on this in the past when I wasn't distracted by extreme family circumstances. I always trusted him. Maybe dumb. However, his distance and critical behavior in the past few months was unlike any part of our previous relationship. So, for now I believe it was a two way love match before this.

I'm learning more all the time about Miss Hot Pants. Amazing what you can find online and through unversity publications. I'm sure she's one of his many adoring grad students who are mesmerized by his curriculum vita, his prominence in the field, his charming personality and (aging)good looks. Maybe I should let her have him.....I think I got his best years......

And herein lies the crux of the matter: YOU need to decide on which path you want to tread. You seem very confident in your own abilities. You don't seem dependent on him at all. So, do you want to try to save your marriage, or do you want to as they say on this forum, "go directly to Plan D(ivorce)?"

This shows some incredible insight. Be careful of the disrespectful judgement portion tho.

I may be going off the deep end. I'm a nice person....you need to know that before I write the following....

I'm so angry I could spit nails. I feel like I have been dragged into a soap opera without my permission. I hate that his affair is probably known in his work environment at least, although he thinks nobody suspects anything. I think he's deluding himself. And I feel like I've been made a fool of....

I know MB says expose the affair.....I'm thinking about this. I could expose him and it might blow up friendships with couples we travel and run with, but at work, I'm guessing no impact. Too frequent an occurance and we're not talking about a 57 year old prof and an 18 year old....we're talking adult grad student 46 years old who's divorced. His parents are gone....he's an only child....my sister knows already and is irrate. We have a very small living family.

I'm thinking the 40 pages of emails, the other documents like copies of a hotel bill where they were (he was paying for it with government grant money ..not legal I'm sure)....(room charges for dinner in the room for 2). I'm kind of in a great position to negotiate a hell of a deal with him for all of our properties and possessions in exchange for not blowing his national reputation to kingdom come and turning him in for misuse of government grant funds. I don't need it to be secure, but talk about "living well is the best revenge"! I'd get a big chuckle out of letting Miss Hot Pants have him relatively broke. Now this is making me smile for the first time in days.