Your discovery probably provoked mock outrage in the other woman. "What, she KNOWS? How come you haven't left her, then?" She's probably delivered an ultimatum to him to start divorce proceedings with you or else she's gone.

So he has a choice he's thinking about right now:

1. Drop the other woman and try to reconcile with you. He's addicted to her, and every emotion in his brain is telling him this is a bad choice, but it's certainly in there.

2. Tell you he's filing for divorce (whether or not he does), or demand that you file for divorce, then that way he can run back to the other woman and say that the divorce is in-progress. Typically, this will involve a demand from him that you move from the house, or else an announcement that he will move out.

3. Figure out a lie to tell you to placate you about the affair, like telling you the affair is over and that he wants to reconcile, so that he can continue to have you meet his needs as well as the other woman. This is the typical strategy waywards employ, as lying has gotten them what they want so far. This strategy is called "cake-eating" around here, and men are a bit more likely to choose this course of action than women (though both sexes commonly do).

Your husband is following a script. He's trying to play nice with you to keep his options open while he debates those options in his mind: Drop, File, or Lie? Which one will give him what he wants most? What he wants right now is to find a way to preserve the status quo: keep the affair a secret, have her, and have you, too.


That's not typical behavior for an unexposed wayward. He'd only be "out the door and gone all day" if the other woman gave him a booty call.


None of us did, LLL. I lost 14 pounds and couldn't sleep well for weeks after finding out about my wife's affair. I despised her. I wanted nothing to do with her.

But I learned that if I wanted to save my marriage, there was a clear way with a decent success rate. I began Plan A immediately to preserve my options, and at least right now (6 months post D-Day) I feel that it's really worthwhile to save the marriage. If you decide it's worth saving, though, it will mean you're carrying the load of recovery for a while (typically, several weeks up to six months) before he starts participating actively in trying to recover.

It sucks that it's the betrayed spouse who usually ends up shouldering the responsibility of teaching themselves how to recover the marriage in order to get through to the wayward, but that's just the way it is.

Barnboy, I have to leave, but can you help in calming her down so she doesn't burn any bridges today? Like you said, I suspect the OW set this all up in the hopes she would throw her H out today. If LLL treats him well today, she will ruin the OW's plan.

Your post is awesome!

I'm not Barnboy ("Doormat_No_More") or MelodyLane, but I am probably going to be here a good part of the day (it's raining out and I'm clearing out the leftovers The Leopard didn't take).

Ladylonglegs, if you do nothing else, do this: Vent your anger and frustrations here. Do -not- engage in angry outbursts (AO), disrespectful judgments (DJ) or any "lovebusting" behavior with your husband right now.

You are in control, not he. You can determine the outcome.

If he truly wanted to be with OW for more than just the excitement, secrecy, adrenaline rush and fantasy of the affair, he would have already left you. This is your lever. You -can- make a difference.

Stay connected with us here. Let Barnboy and the people who have already walked the path you're on be your guides. You will be a better person for it no matter how things work out.

I guess I'm thinking to the future...what kind of marriage partner is he that he was so weak that when I was not able to give him as much time as we had devoted to each other all our married lives (due to my mother's sudden critical illness and eventual death) he turns to another woman for his emotional needs? Isn't there such a thing as being able to put himself second for even a little while due to extreme circumstances? Isn't this a reasonable expectation of a spouse? I did it without boinking another man while he had ill elderly parents. What do I get in return? Betrayal, lies, cheating, at a time I was admittedly preoccupied with concern, responsibility and ultimately grief over my mother's death. Now I think about the future. I'm 53. If I were to contract some illness that required extensive treatment or being unable to be my usual self for a while, I would be very unlikely now to believe he would be there for me. More than the current affair, this may be the deal breaker for me. Going forward into old age with any degree of trust.

LLL,

Your anger is very normal, but it is imperative that you step back from this and not react right now.

Give this time to settle in before you decide what to do.

Listen to the advice you are getting here. You have some absolutely wonderful people posting to you.

Your anger is a manifestation of your pain. You are an intelligent lady. Try to be cool before you make any decisions.

It is ultimately your decision as to whether you want to continue your marriage and work on recovery, or get a divorce.

Just don't make that decision today.

Best wishes!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I had the same experience. Last year I came down with back problems. A month later, I was laid off from a job I'd had for a long time. Focusing on my health and my income caused me to reduce the amount of time and attention I could give to my marriage.

As long as everything was OK in dreamland, our marriage was "healthy." The moment -I- hit a speed bump, things collapsed (you can read my thread -- in my signature -- if you want to learn more). Weakness on her part? Yes, probably. As the wise ones here say, "husband and wife both share 50% of the problems that arose in their marriage. However, wayward spouse owns 100% of the decision to commit adultery." There is NO EXCUSE and NO JUSTIFICATION for committing adultery.

Understanding the lack of boundaries, or the conditions that made the affair possible is helpful in working toward OUR PERSONAL RECOVERY. We can't change the way another person thinks or behaves. Was he weak? Perhaps. Perhaps it was just a confluence of conditions that made it possible for him to behave this way. Chances are, if he were lucid right now, he wouldn't know any more than you why he did what he did!

But he's not lucid right now. And truth be told, neither are you. This is why the MB posters are asking you to bring it here rather than take it to "the house." The things you say and do with your husband right now can have long-term affects that neither of you will want to live with later on.

I'm trying not to say anything much to him. He's working on his laptop....for all I know emailing with her. I know I am not calm enough or rational enough to speak to him. I think right now silence is the best I can do. I'd throw up if I had to say anything nice to him. It would be fake.

I'm going to go out for a jog. I need to clear my head and get out of the same air he is breathing.

I understand what all of you are saying about giving myself some time to decide what I want and trying to make it through maintaining the relationship until I have less emotion and more rational decision making ability. I am trying to maintain a calm demeanor today.....give me time.

This is all good, LLL. Take some time for yourself. A jog (I'm a runner, too) is great for this sort of thing. The endorphins will help and so will the time to sort things out without distraction. I think you're handling this superbly!

((((((LLL))))))

I hope you feel a little better soon.

We all totally get what you are going through right now!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

LLL,

Good on you for taking some time out for a jog. A few "Love Busters" -- instances of being the source of your spouse's unhappiness -- far outweigh a few acts of kindness. If you can force yourself simply to avoid the following things for the time being, you're making great moves forward:

1. Selfish demands. Avoid demanding anything of him right now. The only exceptions to this rule are statements of what you would be willing to accept as good faith that he wants to recover, which I'll cover below.

2. Disrespectful judgments. You will want to call him on the carpet for his behavior, call him every name in the book, and he deserves it. Believe me, I know he deserves it. But refrain from saying things disrespectful about him -- or the other woman -- anywhere that he will hear or read. Keep your interactions with him consistently positive, or if not positive, at least neutral.

3. Angry outbursts. These are HUGE love-busters for everybody, so if he gets angry, walk away. If you start to get angry, walk away. Don't let anger ruin a productive conversation. My technique is to say, "I don't feel safe in this conversation anymore. I need to go elsewhere for a while."


There are at least two other big Love Busters that he's currently engaging in, which you must watch yourself about:

4. Independent Behavior. This is behavior that would hurt your spouse if your spouse knew about it. "Revenge Affairs", or RAs, fall into this category. For the time being, avoid seeking solace with any man. Avoid behavior that will hurt him... with two important exceptions, also detailed below.

5. Dishonesty. Be honest about yourself with him, share how you feel, but try to do it in a way that does not demand he change, show disrespect, or result in an angry outburst. If he tries to "fix" you by telling you you should not feel the way you do, one good response is "I'd love it if you wouldn't try to tell me how I feel."



REQUIREMENTS FOR RECOVERY

Be clear with him about what you expect as a bare minimum if there's to be any hope of recovering your marriage from his infidelity. These are statements of your needs, not demands from him, but he will try to call you various names when you state them. "Controlling", "demanding", "crazy", "jealous", and "overbearing" typically top the list. Be prepared. Here are the typical three requirements for recovery:

1. That he never see or communicate with the other woman in any way at all, ever again. This includes Extraordinary Precautions to prevent further contact. Every wayward will try to negotiate some reason for keeping the other person in their life: job requirements, that the affair was emotional but not physical, or physical but not emotional, or some other excuse. You cannot possibly recover if the other woman is in either of your lives. Thus you implement Extraordinary Precautions to preclude another affair... and these EPs even work during times of extreme stress once properly implemented!

2. That he commits to absolute, radical honesty with you. Dr. Harley calls this "transparency." This includes telling him everything about himself that he knows about himself, you knowing all of his passwords, having an expectation that you will snoop on him without telling him how, and so forth. He will rebuild trust with you by showing he is trustworthy and radically honest with you about his feelings at all times.

3. That he commits to a marital recovery program of your choice. Of course, most of us recommend Dr. Harley's courses, mentioned here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html . My wife and I are following "Program #1", because we felt that we were both very motivated to recover. However, if you or your spouse are not motivated to recover, Dr. Harley recommends you pursue one of the options that have more accountability coaching to help you slog through those motivational swamps.


THE NECESSARY LOVE BUSTERS

There are a few -- very few -- Love Busters that a betrayed spouse should probably engage in to preserve their marriage. They are calculated, done with foresight, and are done in order to prevent much greater Love Busters from either partner in the future. I like to think of them as "peeling back the tape and gauze to treat the open wound with a raging infection underneath". The affair is the infection... and although these Love Busters may cause some temporary pain, they are necessary.

1. Exposure. You've already received a lot of advice on this. It will make your husband hate you. Many wayward spouses consider this a greater betrayal than the affair. But exposing the truth far and wide in a "nuclear" fashion -- like ripping off the band-aid quickly, rather than slowly -- will ultimately be the one action you can take that may swiftly and decisively end the affair.

2. Snooping. Radical Honesty is an important part of Dr. Harley's program... but don't give away how you keep tabs of your husband. If he knows, he can push the affair further underground. You need intelligence on who the affair partner is and how they communicate, and should work to preserve that knowledge. Ideally, you should come to a mutually-enthusiastic agreement on snooping, but a wayward is unlikely to agree to that until they are well into recovery. You have a right to know what is going on in your own life, and your husband's affair is very much part of your life. He has no right to "privacy" on any behavior that affects both of you. And since pretty much everything a spouse does affects their partner, your spouse has no right to secrecy from YOU, ever.

===============
THE PLAN

So you have the basic ingredients of a recovery plan: basic requirements for recovery that you will try to persuade him to follow over the next several weeks. What behavior to refrain from while in this persuading period. And what the exceptions are to that behavior.

Even if he agrees to your requirements, you haven't given up the option of divorce. You can choose it at any time, though certain "at-fault" options are typically closed to you a few months after discovery.

You will have many, many opportunities to choose divorce. You have only a very narrow window to choose recovery. Choose wisely.

Always Remember:

You have one chance (now) to recover your marriage.
You have the rest of your life to divorce him if need be.

After arriving home from my run and showering, went downstairs and H asked if I would listen to him for a minute. I sat down and he said he knows this is difficult and he wants me to understand that he knows he's engaged in an "inappropriate" relationship with Hot Pants but that it has only been an emotional, not physical relationship. He says they are friends and she is someone he got over-involved with and that he will only have what contact with her that's necessary to finish her degree in May. He said he cannot drop her as his student as it would raise eyebrows at work and would be unfair to her at this late point in her degree. He asked if we could agree to disagree on that but work on rebuilding our marriage. He then said he's sure I've been attracted to people I work with! I told him that's classic transference......blaming the other person for engaging in the behavior you're engaging in. I told him "if you're trying to justify your betrayal by saying you think I did it first, you're way off base."

I told him that basically what I understood him to be saying to me was that his career and Hot Pants getting her degree took presidence in his judgement over our marriage/relationship and my emotinal comfort and trust of him. He said his career must be his business. I told him it was until he started romantic relationships at the office. Then it became my business because he was playing with my future when he crossed that line. I told him I refuse to discuss this further until he tells me how he will cut her from his life. Otherwise, we have no basis for discussing how to mend our relationship. He said that is unreasonable, I should be able to have friends. I told him he's already told me its an "inappropriate" relationship. That doesn't qualify as a friendship to me. I left the room and took the dogs outside for a few minutes to regain my composure.

What planet is he living on? Does he really think I'm going to stand by while he continues on with Hot Pants pretending she's just another student?

When I just came in, he was feverishly writing on the computer, then left without telling me goodbye or where he was going......bet I know.

I'm thinking I need to install a keylogger on his computer. Would love to know what's being said between them.

get over to www.spectorpro.com and download eblaster right now. It takes about 3-4 minutes to install and you can program it to email the reports to another computer. It costs about $100 and is an awesome, easy program.

Mel - can you find the GPS thread?
I can't find it.

You are wise to not negotiate with a terrorist. He is trying to negotiate your demise and doesn't understand YET that he has lost all leverage. There can be no negotiation when it comes to adultery. There is no marriage to "save" as long as he continues his contact with the OW. Of course he cannot turn an adulterous affair into a "friendship;" that is ludicrous.

LLL, this is why you must expose him at work. The only solution is to end their contact at work, and he won't do that unless he is forced to do so. You are in a position where family and friends exposure will not do the trick; only a workplace exposure coupled with friends and family will effectively end this affair.

Is it on Spying 101? Or is there a better one?