I am at work today LL, but like you, MLK Day will likely keep things slow. Please do as I did (and still do from time to time), and let this place be your "room full of friends" while you sit, ostensibly alone, at your computer.

OK....the game is changing already. I just walked through the house and looked out front....H's car is gone. I ran upstairs....he's not in the house. Maybe since I now know everything, he sees no reason to hide what he's doing.

I'm going to get dressed and get out of here. I'm taking the dogs to the office with me....I need their emotional support and I have such an informal office environment that I can do it when I want occasionally and when the schedule's light. There's a park across the street from the office to walk them in when I feel like I'm going to scream or kill someone today.

Once my wife admitted to me her affair, she thought she was being "respectful" by not texting (her favorite communication method with OM) in front of me. By "not in front of me" that meant she would hold her Blackberry aside as though I couldn't see what she was doing. She was not discreet or circumspect.

However, since it is out in the open, you need to start putting your ducks in order. If you can, contact your attorney TODAY (yes, it's a holiday -- but that means your H is similarly handicapped). Just because we caution you against angry outbursts and blowing your snooping activities does not mean being a doormat.

I admire you LLL. You have inspired me to contact a lawyer today. I have been postponing it...but you know what..? my H was a lot sleezier than yours (if there are degrees of sleeziness) and I have been a doormat for so long for him that now I think I want to find out what my rights are.
I think you are on the right track and you do have an advantage over many female BS because you are finacially independent and educated. Given that, if you do not feel you want to spend the rest of your life with a liar and a cheater...all my respect to you.
However, if I were you, I would teach a lesson to both your H and hot pants before I say "arrivederci" to both...e "buona fortuna"! (goodbye and good luck)
blessing

The way you make yourself do it is to remind yourself that you are helping the OW when you attack him. Acting on emotion is to throw him into her arms, the very thing she is hoping for. From a strategic standpoint, that works against you. This is why Plan A is only recommended for 3-4 weeks for women. Just long enough to get your ducks in a row while you get your legal issues settled in preparation for a separation. So, when you do go DARK in a Plan B, the last taste of you is GOOD. This will confuse him and cause conflict in his affair if he has FOND memories of you.

On the other hand, if you attack him, then you throw him into the arms of the OW and he is HAPPY when you go into plan B. That helps the affair and decreases the odds of any reconciliation. [you want to keep your options open at this point]

You have to be strategic to inflict the most harm on the affair.

Secondly, workplace exposures affairs RARELY result in the loss of a job. What it does is ruins the fantasy of the affair at work because it is no fun to carry on when everyone knows and is sneering at you. HR usually calls them in separately and interviews them. It is very uncomfortable for the affairees.

You are doing great in a horrific battle situation, LLL. Hang in there!

Its been a year and a half for me. I sleep like a baby. You are a strong woman. You will be just fine w/ or w/out this fool. DUDE

See a lawyer, get good legal advice, but remember lawyers do divorce, not marriage recovery. They do not understand MB and it's methods.

If you want to recover or not at this point you need to still bring pressure to end this affair.

Use this day off to expose everyone including work.

My XWH accused me of hiding money. I didn't, but sure wish that I had..... (Hint)

You have some good things going for you. OW wrote that she doesn't want to be known as a homewrecker. Our little OW wanted to be secretive for a while also so no one would suspect she was the cause of our break-up if it occurred. If you expose everyone will know that fact no matter how they spin it. I'd expose to her fellow students if you can get a class roster with emails. If she is working in the field, has an internship, etc., you can expose there. Talk to her ex-H and find out if she has had previous As. Embarrass the crap out of her so she knows she picked the wrong lady to mess with.

The other thing is that the media tone has changed regarding As. They have become real jokes with the silly texts and emails being laughed at. Think of some of the recent idiot WHs in the news over the past year. I doubt your H would like his ridiculous emails exposed if they come up on his computer.

Concerning your H, it helped me a lot to actually think of him as an alien. It's like they are on crack. I remember writing on MB, while H was in the room, telling folks here how he really is an alien. Having any kind of a sense of humor helps.

Finally, you are financially independent. I wasn't, but I had pretty good self-esteem and knew there was no way I'd allow cake-eating. You've got the power. And whatever happens, you will be alright!

I would start moving money WEEKLY from bank accounts into physical gold/silver and some crappy greenbacks. I'd reduce my 401K contr to ZERO and move these amounts into gold/silver. I'd build up some serious evidence and have my divorce papers drawn up w/ an 80/20 split. I'd then BUST HIM w/ the evidence and tell him I'm willing to give him my evidence, if he "TAKES CARE OF ME" by signing the divorce decree as is and noone will ever know what he did. DUDE

Others may poo poo it Dude, but I agree. I would put money under my mattress if I had it to do over again. My XWH took me to the cleaners besides spending thousands on his trailer trash ho....

Today has been a fast pace. I've been busy and able to contact a lot of people even though I thought holiday would slow things down.

I've actually accomplished quite a lot. Had a long phone interview with friend's bulldog attorney. He was quite nice, informative and knowledgeable and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to meet with him and bring in some financial overviews for him as well as copies of what I have so far on H and OW. I will formally retain him tomorrow as I liked his take on things and he has a stellar reputation. I have a couple of attorney friends who said he's the best as well as my girlfriend.

He has advised I hire PI to get pictures and more hard evidence as since H and OW legitimately have reason to meet (she's his advisee and she works on grant part-time for him), they need to be caught in compromising place or act to really seal the evidence. He referred me to a PI who I called and is coming to my office later today and says his firm can take up the issue immediately. I'm hoping it won't take too long to get the goods on them.

I talked to him about exposing now to H's university administrators, colleagues, friends, etc., and he said it might impact them at the university and embarrass them, but it would not put me in a better negotiation place with H if I wanted to go for more than 50/50 split of assets. Knowledge is power and he suggests we wait until I've made a firm decision if I'm going straight to divorce....if so, then I have stuff my H might rather not be made public and a quiet settlement might be more advantageous to me.

So, I feel like I'm in a bit stronger position to play my hand, whatever I decide it will be.

hopefully your spyware stays active so that you can provide some extra intel to your PI!

It gives you a big headstart. Have you checked out the rest of the spying thread? GPS might help as well.

I'm hoping the PI might take care of all needed snooping or setting up GPS......I wouldn't know how....

Good JOB!! Sounds a lot like what someone else told you! GO FOR 80%!! I could have gotten AT LEAST 70%! My fwxw's reputation was worth that much to her. But no, I had to get too damn pissed and emotional...DUDE

Which is more important your marriage or divorce.

You have your own wealth, career. Cheating doesn't help much in front of a judge any more. Being you can support yourself judge is not going to give anything.

So your best bet is to expose now. This lawyer maybe the best lawyer for divorce. His interests and yours are not the same.

Not the same?

Yes not the same. This lawyer will not make money if you do not divorce WH.

It is in your best interest is to take time to process this information before you decide to R or D.

What you need to do now is end this affair. You will do this by doing a plan A. And by doing a complete exposure.

Whether or not the WH gets fired his employer the college needs a wake up call. When exposing the A ask the college if it ok for the female students to sleep their way to an advanced degree.

The least that should come out of this is that the OW will have to do her work now, maybe get suspended, up to expelled. WH and his peer's will not be so quick in the future to compromise academic standards in the future.

Expose. Send the message that is a college profesor career, benefits, health insurance, pension, is not worth risking for some strange.

Most of the peeps on here aren't up on financial matters. They're all into emotions and crap, while you and I are thinking ahead like a chess match. Gold is my bishop, and silver is my Queen...DUDE

LLL,

I think you have been wise to not react too quickly.
Stay cool.

You have some decisions to make which will dictate which methods you employ.

I don't think you should jump into exposing him until you have thought out how you want this to end. If it can be a bargaining chip for you -- then save it.

You're not in denial, which really helps! Because soooo many wives come here not willing to believe he could really be having a physical affair and soooo ready to believe any little thing their husbands tell them.

You may see things via your keylogger that make you decide to divorce. There is nothing hurt by waiting.

So your revenge affair was NOT about "emotions and crap", but was simply you "thinking ahead like a chess match."

The rain is gone...

tl

Did you not read my other post. Had I not gotten emotional(RA, etc), I would be 100K richer right now, at least. Since then, as I've healed and sobered up, I'm back to my strategery self. She needs a strategery. I wish somone on here would have helped me think of things financially instead of emotional, bashing me and such. But hey, I did it, its all on me. Not LLL though, not on my watch. DUDE