I think this is very good advice. Right now her emotions are driving the bus, and she shouldn't make a hasty decision. But financially, I would proceed as though you are going to D. Protect your assests, then if he ever gets his head out of his intestines and really goes for recovery of the M, you will have things protected.

And if you do decide to D, work it out. My XWH turned nasty and wouldn't settle and I spent over $40K on atty fees and I'm sure he did too. Senseless.

I didn't hire a P.I. (I did the research myself, and got all the evidence I needed within a week) but what I've heard is that they can pretty well get the goods in just a day or two.

Waywards aren't that smart about covering their tracks. Especially if they don't know they're being tracked.

I know this site is for saving marriages and that exposure and bringing the affair into the light is a pretty effective way to take the romance and fantasy out of it. However, if I expose them now before I've decided if I want him anymore, I give up a huge bargaining chip.

If I decide to divorce him right away, we can meet, negotiate and I can either agree to a favorable settlement (I'm thinking both houses, all furnishings, dogs, boat and two of our three cars) and each of us keeps all other personal assets which have always been separate anyway. I go away quietly with nice settlement, or I go for what would likely be a highly publicized court proceeding, file alienation of affection suit against OW, send documentation of possible misuse of government grant funds to feds and state, and see where he ends up. I probably won't come out as well either if we go to court as publicity doesnt' mean I'd get anything more than 50/50 split. However, I would ask to be reimbursed for any conjoined funds I could prove were spent entertaining OW.

I know, OW would get H maybe, but frankly, I'm not sure I care, and once things are settled, I'm sure I could indirectly make it know WHO is responsible and the fact that her degree may be based on sexual favors to her advisor. Oh, and I'm a much bigger name in our field than she'll ever be.....and I can get not so favorable reviews of her out without a second thought.

I sound mean. Not my usual role, but these two folks played me for a fool.....they should fear me now. I'm sure Hot Pants has no idea that I can play with the big boys in hard ball. H knows, and I think it will make him think twice once we sit across a table and I show my hand.

You are my HERO! I've never seen a BW come on here with such skill and deciciveness.(COLD AND CALCULATING) DAMN that could have been me. I was such a strategic person. I did get the toys though, so se la vi! I say dump the fool and become a cougar..DUDE

LLL,

I know it's tempting to do a Dresden on his sorry butt, but don't make any rash decisions. You two do a have a long shared history that ol' Hot Pants can't match. There's also a reason that the MB method is based on working with addicts. A's are a form of addiction. And people are allowed one mistake. ONE not two.

OTOH, you have every right to blow him up. Just make SURE that's what you want to do. Just don't turn it into a Pyrrhic victory, where you wonder down the road what would have happened if you'd tried to R things.

But, I admit, having the power you have makes me wonder what I would have done back when I was going through that D-Day hell. If I could have utterly destroyed Pond Scum at the cost of my marriage, would I have done it? I don't think so.....but that's idle speculation.

Just make sure all your ducks are in a row for either option.

Someone needs to move this to Notable Posts!

LLL,

How important to you is your own character and morality? Many BS responses after a D-day can be cruel and vengeful. What do you want to see when you look in the mirror in 5, 10 or 15 years?
Is honor important to you? Everyone is different and has a different view of this.


AM

2 houses, a boat, and a young pool boy! DUDE

Dude says: "Dump the fool and become a cougar" I got a real laugh. Thank you, I need a laugh.

I know I sound like a general in battle. This is what I do, how I attack problems in my life. Initially, this crumbled me for a few days....then I found my strength and today I went into strategic planning mode. I've always done this, mainly in my work. I think I've been able to be an effective executive because I can objectively look at the pros and cons of taking certain actions. I can look at long range plans and determine what current actions would serve my organizations or myself in the long term. And I know, this is a personal, emotional issue, but I feel my long term quality of life is at stake. I can't just act on only emotion now.

Emotionally, trust is at the heart of this. As was said earlier, this is a mistake and he's allowed to make a mistake. But this "mistake" didn't occur for 10 minutes, 1 hour or 7 days. For what appears to be months, he's been repeatedly involved in lies of omission, commission, unearned criticism of me, and a lack of general human caring for me during one of the most difficult times in my life...the illness and death of my mother. How do you trust and make yourself emotionally vulnerable again to a person who so calously uses your trust to betray and deceive you? This man has a brain, this man has a heart, this man had my back for 29 years plus. Didn't I deserve at least the treatment you would give to any human being? Honesty, forthrightness, telling me the truth and letting me make my own choices as he was making his. Its the trust ....

It's not your H -- it's an alien, ala "The Thing", that's taken over his mind and his body.

It's up to you how much you can stand.

And any decision you make on this score has the support of everyone here. Ya know, been there, done that?

Just make sure it's not done out of momentary anger. Don't do anything irrevocable until you truly know what you want.

Usually, they say six months before you make any huge decisions because of the level of betrayal. Being eviscerated by the person you trust most is (to paraphrase the movie "Major League") juuuuuust a bit outside -- the pale.

Ok, jokes aside, let me interject. HE HAD YOUR BACK FOR 29 YEARS, he needs you to have his back if you will. He needs you to end his A(FANTASY) and save him from himself. Sure, you can let him go down in flames, rape him financially while he is drunk on his lover. Its up to you? Are you a giving person? If so, you can save his old a and recover your M. OR you can take most the assets, let him destroy himself, and party like a rockstar while he crumbles. YOUR CHOICE...DUDE

Just a question... Do you have any "indulgences" that you find it simply impossible to resist? My own is chocolate. God help me, if there's chocolate in the fridge, I'm going to end up eating it. Sometimes I've ended up eating some of the kid's chocolate too, rationalizing my horrible act by saying "well, it was in the fridge long enough, so they really didn't want it, and I can always buy more if they really wanted it anyway". I'm a pretty rational and caring person otherwise, but goddamit, chocolate is my definite weakness. I can't even "Plan B" the stuff, because my FWW and kids keep buying more and keeping it in plain sight in the fridge.

Well, at least it isn't alcohol.

Where am I going with this?

Well, understanding how even the best of us can slip into and by corrupted by something as incredibily addictive as an A with someone else could help your thought processes here. Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Good one

His brain was taken over by a fantasy and,
his heart went to his ego.

It really is like they are aliens, just listen to what he is spewing at you .... are those the thoughts of a rational person, would he have said this junk 1 or 2 years ago????

The fact that you can say 'he had your back for 29rs. plus' says that he is not the same man right now.

It would be a disservice to not make you aware that you may not feel as strongly about D in the weeks or months ahead.
Getting your ducks in a row is a very good plan since D may be in your future .... or maybe not.

Your emotions will be all over the place, week by week, hour by hour and minute by minute. It's brutal, but it's true.

It is possible to R from an A. It is possible for the WS to return to a caring and loving spouse.
It's even possible to have a stronger M than before. Really!

"I've decided if I want him anymore, I give up a huge bargaining chip."

What is there to bargin for? As I pointed out your a career woman the judge is not going to do any thing to make you richer.

LLL;

You may at this time want to start a new thread. JIC your WH or his GF locates this site. You have a very distinct story, easily found, copied and printed.

You do not want logger, PI and Atty info (or plan of action) available to your spouse.

DO NOT mention MB around your house. He will notice you are on the web and may snoop on you (turn around is fair play).

You could start a new thread, NEW NAME and continue --without the details...

we will still be here for you.

n

Step 1: Evidence from PI
Step 2: Serve "intent to file" complete with exposure plan
Step 3: Develop Post-nup agreement to "buy your silence" regardless of whether the marriage recovers. The conditions of silence are conditional upon OW getting out of the profession, WH retiring NOW from academia, and majorly sucking up to you, including counseling from the Harleys and anything else you ask; and you getting everything signed over to your name. One spec of hesitation on either his part or hers and you blow it up.
Step 4: Serve OW with Intent to Expose; She has a choice: to find a new advisor or preferably profession effective immediately, or you will turn evidence over to the school as evidence that she has not EARNED her degree, but rather bargained for it via exploitation of non-intellectual assets. (get rid of her - if she's in the same profession as you, you will end up running into her repeatedly. Think Jennifer Aniston vs Angelina Jolie. You know she's afraid of exposure. Let her know it will go ALL the way if she doesn't vaMooose! - This is not extortion, but rather, maintaining the integrity of the profession academically!
Step 5: See if your husband wants recovery or a quiet divorce. No guarantees he's going to get one over the other. Or either. One slip up with a signed post-nup and you get both houses, dogs, etc. And he won't get OW with this methodology.

Good advice..DUDE

barbicat....I don't think my H pays enough attention to what I'm doing or is around me enough to have any idea what I'm doing, but could be wrong...

What is the procedure to have my posts deleted and then do I just re-register under a new name and tag line? I'm not sure I understand exactly what to do if I want to continue on the discussion forum...

The ODDS ARE TOTALLY REMOTE..Ignore her post. We'll help you, just no names or school names? 80/20 is all you need to know...DUDE