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#2307643 01/19/10 06:09 PM
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H bought a new belt the other day. He needed one because a) his old belt was getting ratty and b)he's been working out a lot and had trimmed down his middle (though he's still wearing the same size clothes he was in high school...go figure).

Anyway, while he was showing me the new belt, he mentioned that he'd had the other belt for a long time. "I bought that belt in XYZ Mall in 2005".

XYZ Mall was in XYZ city, which was where he was when he flew back for his HS reunion and met up with the ***edit*** I mean old girlfriend and commenced his EA. I had not known that about the belt until last night.

I have no idea if the ***edit*** I mean girlfriend was with him when he bought the belt. But now it's a trigger item for me. I didn't say anything last night other than asking him if he planned to ditch the old belt now. His reply was "no" because he can use it to hold up his ratty old pants that he wears when he's doing home improvement projects, yardwork, etc.

I'm torn between just disappearing the belt or telling him honestly how I feel about it and asking him to get rid of it.

Last edited by McLovin; 01/19/10 11:18 PM. Reason: TOS - profanity
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A belt is $15 and for your peace of mind, DUMP IT. DUDE

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Just make it disappear.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by OurHouse
I'm torn between just disappearing the belt or telling him honestly how I feel about it and asking him to get rid of it.

My vote:

Openness and honesty if you are in recovery.



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Tell him the truth. He needs to be able to deal with your truth. That should be part of the work you guys are doing.

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If you took him back, then the belt should be no big deal. She slept with him, not the belt. If you kept him, why should the belt be a big deal. It's just a thing.

Don't allow the belt to be anything other than what it is, a belt.

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She didn't sleep with him but we all know EAs are as painful as PAs.


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The belt is a trigger. Triggers have to be eliminated if possible.

A belt's a belt, as you said, she can help him get a new one.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by OurHouse
She didn't sleep with him but we all know EAs are as painful as PAs.

No we don't, I'd give my left if it stopped at EA. Matter of fact, I wouldn't give a ratts a w/ EA only. DUDE

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So if your XW had merely only flirted with OM, you wouldn't have done a lot about it?


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Take him out side...whoop him with said belt...then:

1.Add lighter fluid to belt.

2. Strike a match.

3. Throw match on belt dosued with lighter fluid.

4. Roast marshmellows.

This will give him a trigger regarding the belt and much needed closure for you both on the matter.

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Originally Posted by OurHouse
She didn't sleep with him but we all know EAs are as painful as PAs.

Doesn't matter. If she took him back (and wouldn't he be an ever bigger trigger than some article of clothing) then why argue to get rid of some article.

The problem is not the belt, the problem is not controlling her thoughts and letting an inanimate object, that had ZERO choice in the matter control her feelings.

It's all in how she thinks about the belt. After all, she took back the person who CHOSE to have the affair, so why reject the belt that had no say in the matter?

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It's her H's fault she's having those thoughts, ergo he should be eager to get rid of anything that makes her HAVE those thoughts.

But that's just my opinion and I'm just a newbie.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Pep's idea was the best of the bunch...

Talk to him about the belt. Ask him to dump the belt and tell him why.

Mark

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Hey OH,

For whatever it's worth, I'd go with honesty and openness. If he empathizes and gets rid of the belt, that sends a good message. If he lobbies to keep it, knowing how it makes you feel, well, then you know you have some more work to do.

It's an opportunity to gauge where things are, and the outcome will either validate what you are doing, or cause you to reevaluate your plan.

And I'm even more of a newbie than KR, but that's still my two cents........

TB



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The trigger for you is just half of the question. I am sure deep down inside you are wondering whether, if they were together when he bought the belt, whether it is a keepsake to him, and if so why he has not gotten rid of it himself. Deeper yet, you might wonder whether he has other items that might be associated with skank. Therefore, I think you not only need to discuss this with him, but make sure any and all such items are removed to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. You should be protected by him.

I collected everything I ever got from my skank and dropped it off to Goodwill. I never even mentioned it to my W, but if she ever asks, I will be able to tell her that it is all gone. I hope that your H has done the same.

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Originally Posted by karmasrose
It's her H's fault she's having those thoughts, ergo he should be eager to get rid of anything that makes her HAVE those thoughts.

But that's just my opinion and I'm just a newbie.

Maybe he should (but then again, shoulds can be DJs) get rid of the belt.

The only thing I know is that SHE has more control over her though processes than he has. So ultimately, what she thinks and how she processes those thoughts fall entirely upon her.

Can't blame her husband for how she chooses to think.

She can choose to not like the belt.

The question is, will that way of thinking improve her marriage?

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Get rid of the belt and next...the husband.

1. He is an alcoholic
2. He won't work or look for a job
3. He abuses you and the kids
4. He breaks stuff in the home


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I have no idea if she was with him when he bought the belt. Most likely, not. He's never been the type to go shopping with a woman anyway---very particular about his own clothes.

It's just that he was out there for the reunion, re-made contact with the girlfriend and the whole EA started during that same visit. The belt was purchased during that trip.

I like TB's idea. We're talking to Steve on Friday and maybe after that, I will broach the subject with him.

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Hi OH,

I've been following your thread about the belt.

I'm curious to know what Steve advises on this.

About a month ago, I discovered a paper among H's things, and on it were instructions on how to play a particular card game. The writing looked familiar to me, so I took the paper. When H and I were sitting down, I showed him the paper and asked him about it. He said that it was OW's writing and that sometimes at work he played this card game with her. The reason he kept it was we had the same cards at home and he thought we would need it. I ripped it up in front of him and threw the pieces away. He said nothing, and I said nothing more about it. Everything was fine after that.

This one other time, I told him that a specific clothing item he has was a trigger, and I asked him if he would throw it away. He agreed without further discussion.

So I don't know if what I did in these situations was the right thing to do or not.

But definitely, I would vote on throwing away the belt. How to go about it though, that's best for your situation, I don't know.


Me, BS, 35 - H, FWS, 38
Married 15 years, 4.5 years into Recovery
EA/PA 7/09-9/09
DDay 9/5/09, started Plan A
Exposed 9/13/09, started preparing for Plan B
H finally confessed and agreed to NC 9/27/09, never went to Plan B
Still a MB rookie, but striving to learn more and put it into practice every day... w/ FWH along for the ride
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