1. Prof becomes chronically ill and is unable to mentor.
2. Prof hits the lottery and says "screw it" to academia.
3. Prof moves.
4. Prof's mental acuity lessens and student is not served.
5. Prof indulges in moral lapse with student and hinders her scholarship.
6. Prof indulges in moral lapse with student and exposes university to sexual harrassment lawsuit.

Expose.

My H has great health. He's always been something of an athlete, exercises daily, at his ideal weight, and sees a doctor for yearly required check ups. Takes vitamins, no prescribed routine meds. Eats very healthy.

I would definitely take into consideration your age(marital recovery is at LEAST TWO YEARS)and your 53 already, your self sufficiency status, and NO KIDS!! If I didn't have kids, you can bet I'd not be on this board!! You do have a long history together. Sad thing is, he needs you now more than he ever has. He needs you to bust his affair and save him from himself. You can save his A$$ or rape him financially while he's in la la land and build a new life for yourself. You choice? HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE THIS MAN? DUDE

I was crazy about H for most of the years we've been married. We spent lots of time together, both loved outdoors, loved to travel and plan exotic trips, loved animals and playing with our pets. For 28 years, although there were normal ups and downs every marriage experiences, I think we were both very happy.

I do question now whether maybe he's been unfaithful to me before.....he travels a lot with his work and grad students. Has always gone to lots of professional conferences, there is a real social component to these things and the same groups tend to attend all the conferences so these large groups in the same field know each other well. He certainly would have had opportunity.

I have had times when I wasn't all that happy, but they passed and I'm sure he's probably felt the same. Normal, I think. But for two persons without children and both with strong personalities, I think we have really been in love and we have managed our two careers and rather independent natures well.

Now how do I feel about him today? Do I love him? Hard to say .... I'm too angry and hurt to really know.

lll, you are ignoring us. You don't WANT to expose so you are looking at everything around the word expose and talking about all that.

Let's get down to business. What would happen if you expose?

LLL, you are a smart lady who sounds like she understands the consequences of both sides of this coin.
Please be assured, that whatever you decide, in time when your head stops spinning, the board is here to support you 100%.

I disagree about exposure. Lawyer said to wait. Our advice is not professional advice and members are free to follow it or not. Besides, LLL has a good plan and is following it in a very logical and cool-headed way. She still has to make many decisions and it is up to her to decide if and when to expose.
blessing

We hear you, lll. And every word you're absolutely justified in feeling complete outrage right now. But don't make the mistake of allowing your outrage to drive the bus. I know it's impossible to not have these feelings - they're important and should not be swept under the carpet. But use them constructively. Allow yourself this emotion for...say, 15 minutes. Get in the shower when no one's around and scream at the top of your lungs. Vent here as much as possible.

And then pull yourself back into the model of the Plan A wife, one who is caring of herself, her H, and her M. You'll need to keep your wits about you in order to take care of business. Whatever that business may be - you don't have to decide that right now whether or not you want to stay in your M or shut it down. So don't make that decision prematurely. Get your ducks in a row.

And can I mention again: Exposure is a beautiful thing.

This very true and should make many of us BS reflex about where we are putting our energy and when it is time to put it back on us.

This is worth years of therapy. At the end of every therapy cycle the client should be able to state what LLL stated above.

Yes, but you will be much better off than he will be with a homewrecker like HP

blessing

I wish I could fast-forward you through this part, lll. It WILL get better, I promise you.
Please don't make hasty decisions and swamp yourself any more than you're swamped right now.

(scuffing my toe in the dirt and looking sheepish)

Yer right Atena. No exposure yet.

Yet.

That dern mattress-backed kooze jest made me spittin' mad. She is nothin' but an oportunistic tramp imo.

As I set before the lawyer is not serving your best personal interests.

You recover your marriage the lawyer loses a lot of money.

Expose this affair. The cancer needs to be removed from the college as well as your life.

Also you both too well off financially to get anything from a divorce. Most likely the college won't fire your WH and they will just reassign the OW.

However you will of killed the affair. Act with integrity and expose today.

But she's not set on Her Plan yet, TR.

Until she is, then she's best in this holding pattern.

Here goes the usual SAVE THE MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS(LITERRALLY) LINE. This is why DUDE stays here. If she exposes, she loses BIG MONEY probably. This ladies has choices!! When you have choices, you are in the best position. When you are a really good spouse, responsibile, educated, attractive, yeah, you do want to say EFF YOU! I'd hold tight on the info...DUDE

You do not have to explain anything to me. I am not rooting for you to attempt recovery or D. That is up to you. It is OK to flip flop, change your mind, be angry, sad or whatever you want to vent, here.
You have only had a few days/weeks since discovery, it is so new to you I don't see how you can trust any emotion you are having right now. But that is normal and what makes you human.

We will support you.

Uh-huh. And I work with plenty of lawyers who have no business dispensing advice.

ITA. Ask your attorney how many Ms he's helped recover using his advice. He's an attorney, and his area of expertise is probably not in the marriage-saving arena.

TheRoad (and others), it strikes me that LLL is in the same position I found myself in when The Leopard pulled the world down around me. I rode the fence for weeks before I came to MB, and then I got hope that maybe my marriage could be recovered.

The more I posted and the more feedback I got, I quickly learned that perhaps mine was one of the marriages that SHOULDN'T be recovered. We had no kids. The Leopard appeared to be disordered and incapable of addressing her own issues. She was taking me down with her sinking ship.

I know this is Marriage Builders and to not provide LLL with the concepts and principles would be contrary to the purpose of this site. Yet I don't see her as having made the decision that she wants to recover the marriage. We can make all of the suggestions in the world, but until LLL chooses that path, our suggestions are just that: suggestions.

It's only if she chooses to try to recover the marriage do the suggestions become The Road Map. Putting the attorney into a bad light is not helpful. I have an attorney, and she has never said she stands in the way of marital recovery. In fact, she was emphatic about the state law requiring a six month waiting period for that very purpose! From what I read, LLL has the sense and foresight to choose an attorney well.

I think LLL is quite properly exploring all of her options. I applaud her for coming here, asking questions and letting us know what she's thinking and doing. I find great strength in LLL's demeanor.

Ladylonglegs, I will end this with my standard admonition: Do not underestimate your WH. He -will- respond to whatever direction you choose to take. And that response is not likely to be "friendly and professorial." When you choose your course of action, be prepared to follow it 100%.

PERFECT and GOOD ADVICE..DUDE

I would like nothing more than to expose my H and Hot Pants in a atomic bomb type of way. I have fantasies about it. HOWEVER...marriage is not only a relationship, after almost 30 years it is a business partnership as well. I strongly feel I would be foolhardy to expose my H and his partner in crime until I decide what my long term goal is....recovery or divorce.

I didn't go to a lawyer for marital counseling. I went for legal, financial and business advice..... I believe that I have and am obtaining additional info daily on H's activities that he WOULD NOT like made public. This information can either be used to convince my H to drop the [censored] or it could be used to privately negotiate a financial agreement advantageous to me rather than spending months and thousands in court fighting. To expose now just to end the affair would be short-sighted on my part I think.