Thanks Pep for posting Starfish's Fear Post. Every time I see it I am more and more convinced that it should be a sticky note on this forum and everybody entering here should read it. So much wisdom in that post.

CC - read the post over and over. Print it out if necessary. Your fear is paralyzing you and it WILL cause you to ultimately lose your M.

Mindshare

never reveal your source

WH's always try to use anger

to get you off the exposure course

they will say they were going to come back

until you had to go expose

I think you have enough evidence to expose. Letter to HR, or even better yet, arrange meeting with HR and his boss, walk with the DVR, expose the A, then play the recording if he or the OW denies it. That will be nuclear with a capital N.

There's a "standard" exposure letter available in this forum somewhere (I keep forgetting the name of the thread) if you take the letter approach.

Your WH will likely lose his job (after all, he's the manager and should know better than to go boinking with his subordinates), but that's something you will likely have to accept if you want to recover your M.

My two cents...

You caught him on tape proposing to marry the other woman.

That's more than enough proof to expose if you want to save your marriage. But not enough to convince a judge if you want a divorce on grounds of adultery.

CC- I'm new here and am the BS. I just wanted to encourage you that you've come to a good place. I've found that there's lots of good information here.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have printed off the story about fear - it is right on que.
I am actually enabling his behavior by not confronting it.
This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

By George, I think she's got it !


It's damn hard. You got that right too.

It IS hard darling. Take it from the woman who did EVERYTHING wrong, exposure is a lot easier than enduring your husband cowing you with his anger and continuing his path towards h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

Trust.

CherryChip, there are a LOT of people on this forum who have been exactly in your place. Those that listened to the vets either recovered their marriages or decided to D and move on after giving it their all...but in either case, they ALL emerged stronger, more whole and healthier than before.

Those that didn't listen to the vets advice continued to spin their wheels, driving themselves deeper into despair and often driving the marriage right off a cliff.

Everyone was scared before exposing. Steel yourself to expect his anger and start rehearsing some canned responses.

"I am fighting for our marriage" is a good one to start with.

I agree with whomever said to be in Plan A now. But make your exposure plans and do it nuclear style...all at once or they will start to spin their story to whomever you have NOT exposed to.

Also, start making plans for Plan B *now*. Depending on your emotional fortitude, you will only be able to plan A for a short time. If the A doesn't end (verified by you of course), then you will have to go to Plan B and it helps if you have all your ducks in a row beforehand, so you can just flip that switch.

What is your exposure plan?

You must PLAN this. It must be done calmly and methodically and the only way to achieve this is to PLAN it!

I book marked the carrot and stick of plan A. I know this is going to sound like a silly schoolgirl but,
when do I start the exposure? I mean, he has inventory coming up the first week of February,
I do not want to screw with his job.

>when do I start the exposure?

That's part of your plan, hon.

Also, I worked somewhere where PI (physical inventory) was VERY important...but you know what?

YOU didn't cause this. HE made this choice...that he didn't think about this potential outcome is a RESULT of his poor planning, doncha think?

Cause and effect...they teach that in business courses, yanno.

I'd not wait till Feb...that's way too long for you to have to endure his temper and infidelity imo. That's like pouring vinegar on your open and bleeding wounds.

Cowgirl up for YOU and your family. This week, chica. It needs to be done soon.

You have to expose to the HR department of his work, letting them know that you are waiting to see what they do about a workplace affair BEFORE you decide what steps YOU will take about their company.

Your marriage can survive his anger; it cannot survive another woman.

I already know what they do, he gets fired because he is the manager, ow keeps her job.

no consequences for choices = no impetus to change

Exposure at the office is the right thing to. The consequences he subsequently suffers there would be because of his decision to indulge in an affair with a coworker, period.

...and, cherrychip, as difficult as that may be financially, it may be the right thing to do.

I'd suggest exposure BEFORE review time. He'll be under the microscope anyway, and factoring in an affair with an underling would be a sure way to put pressure on the affair.

You can negotiate with a bank to suspend payments temporarily due to loss of a job.

You can't negotiate with a wayward who's abusing you carrying on an affair despite your pleas to stop... the only negotiation is persuasion to stop the affair. Boy, dropping an exposure bomb onto his performance review would be pretty powerful persuasion!

Plus, if he keeps his job but dumps you, you don't have his job anymore anyway.

You don't know this. If he does get fired that's on him for being an idiot. They may just put OW's transfer through. Either way they can't keep working together if you want to try and save your marriage.