I balanced the same things you did. We had a house we owned outright, investments, retirement accounts, land, boat,rv, dirt bikes, 4 wheelers, etc etc etc...You're right, throw out the emotional crap, its about the business aspects of what you have built together yet this clown is acting wreckless. Wait til he starts blowing money on this bimbo...YOu are really gonna be pissed. DUDE

LLL

Do you love your husband?
If he stopped being a moron and committed to recovery, would you want stay married?

If you answered yes to either of those, EXPOSE!

If you answered no, then divorce him and use the info for a settlement.

Unfortunately WS do not stop being morons point blank. It takes years and lots of energy and then maybe you have a successfull R..or maybe not. It is a gamble and you have to be 100% sure you want to gamble with someone who is broken and damaged.
If LLL does not want to put all this energy in possibly R her M then that is her choice.
She is actually setting a good example, at least for me, in terms of showing me that us BS can be strong and take a stance for ourselves. Even the idea that we love our H: we actually loved the men they were, not the ones they are now. Love has to be fueled to endure, otherwise is emotional clinging and not true love.
I think LLL is showing that there is an alternative to the misery and pain of R. It is a choice of course, and if one decides to R, hats off...but if one decides to move on...great too.

I'm wondering how many of you knew exactly what you wanted, recovery or divorce, within two weeks of finding out about the biggest shock of your life? I'm not made that way. Many of you are saying slow down and make sure you decide what you want and others are saying blow up the affair without regard to how it might impact me should the marriage not be saved eventually. I'm getting the feeling some of you want to see what happens when I expose for just purient curiosity.

Maybe there is curiosity too, but at times I see that there is a one track mind about exposure...while even Steve Harley has advised agaist it in several situations.
One size does not fit all.
blessing

He sounds like he would have had many opportunities to get his most important EN's met elsewhere.

LLL, I think it would be in your best interest to snoop more, go back a few years, pay special attention, (ie. cell phone bills, credit card expenses) to the times when he was away on trips.

Verify no other A's.

Find out more about your life, KWIM.

LLL, I've been through grad school and though I don't work in academia, I collaborate with them a fair bit and retain a number of business contacts in that field. You are correct - academia is a wayward's playhouse and prof-student affairs run rampant. It is disgusting on so many levels - I've actually hesitated to open this thread as it raises so many issues within me I could spit nails. But I degress.

Expose your WH and do it now!!! Of COURSE he doesn't wnat this stuff made public. But guess what - the chances of him losing his job are slim to none. Academia is the WORST old boys club in the world and they protect their own. I can think of at least a dozen "well known scholars in their field" who have boinked grad students and guess what - the grad student's career was ruined but the prof's life went on - probably even earned him a couple of pats on the back in the Faculty Lounge. I know of only one case where the prof lost her job and that was because she was the woman fooling around with a male grad student. In an old boys club, only the boys are allowed to play and get away with it.

So you have nothing to lose. You can either expose and end this affair or you can put up with a lying, cheating, POS wayward husband who is already in an environment where he's admired for this type of crap.

I think what LLL is saying is that exposing might present a problem for her in terms of dealing with the D. It would hurt OW but it would also distress LLL.
She has to evaluate what is best for her especially because exposure will do nothing against her H in the environment he is in. At this point is all about what is good for LLL not what is good for the end of the A if the ultimate goal is D.
blessing

I'm sort of in the exposure camp, simply because I purely HATE to let anybody,ever, think they've pulled something over on me and made me out a fool. But since you know that his job has given him multiple opportunities, over the years, to have done this before, I think you'd be wise to follow the advice to go back a ways and see if you can find others. Document a pattern, and not only does it strengthen your hand in whatever your ultimate decision is, but it will, I believe, inevitably shape what that decision will be.

tl

I don't feel that I can advise on exposure in your case at this moment, cuz I think I understand the position that you are in.
Most BS that come here regardless of wanting R or D, are encouraged to expose the A, to use this tool to end the disgusting adultery. (cuz it's the right thing to do)
Exposure does not generally have any leverage in settlement, from my experience here anyway. (note my member date!)
Your situation seems different, you want that leverage in your pocket.

I am having trouble with you being exposed to WS adultery right under your nose, with no weapon to destroy this A. My struggle is for your mental health.

What did I feel initially post d-day about R or D ........ fight or flight kicked in, (they tugged it out for a bit) first week or so I was just stunned but I got onto the comp and researched A's.
I wanted to know everything about them so that I could understand what the h*ll was going on in my life.
I made a Drs. appt. that week, and in our conversation she said to me, ' oh V, you don't have to end up D'd, many M's recover from this'.
That was kind of a light bulb moment since I respected her opinion, and I thought okay, maybe ......

I knew that I loved my H, would give it my best shot, 150%, that was for myself and my kids.(my concern wasn't for him at all) I didn't want to regret not trying.
I also knew that if in a years time, I saw no hope, that would have been it.
My H has only the one A, had there been multiple, well that would have had a bearing on my decision I'm sure.

That's my thinking too.

Tabby1......thank you for supporting my observations about academia....it is a boys' club and infidelity playground. I've known this since I went to graduate school and also when my H entered as an assistant professor at his first university job. As a matter of fact, one of his colleagues who's office my H inherited as an assistant professor left as a joke in the office my h was moving into a copy of a smutty book entitled "Faculty Stud". We had only been married a year at the time and we both laughed about it. This was a 50 something prof who left this "gift" in my h's new desk.

I don't know if my h was ever unfaithful before. However, I never in our married life felt the withdrawal of his time and affection like I have in recent months. I never had that sick, gut feeling that something was not right, never found myself panicky and searching through his stuff, only to be relieved when I found nothing. Never did he sleep on the far edge of the bed for weeks on end with his back to me. Never before did he criticise me constantly for minor things. If he was playing around before, it never changed his demeanor in substantial ways like it has now.

I don't think LLL has ruled out exposure.
But at this point it needs to be advantageous to HER.

So -- first decide if saving the marriage is what you want.
Personally I would only attempt it to protect CHILDREN from divorce.

I still like PrincessM's plan. Use it to secure a really nice post-nup. Once you are protected --
Dig up all you can on HotPants and at the very least expose that ugliness to your husband. And I personally wouldn't rest until her reputation and future in the profession was RUINED.

God, they are all so cruel to the BSs during their affairs. This enrages me.
But, LLL, I am very impressed at how yu have been able to hold off on any knee jerk reactions re exposure, until such a time that you decide whether you want to remain with this a-hole.
With huis reputation and career at stake, you can definitely leverage your knowledge into a more favorable settlement. Your lawyer is right on that.
So, take your time and try to come to a decision on whether he is worth it and you are the type of person who can remain in a relationship with a person who has betrayed you.
Then, proceed accordingly. Keep that exposure arrow in your quiver, for now.

Whoops -- it wasn't PrincessM's plan it was Kayla's.
I think this plan ROCKS!

I'm certainly not getting much work done today, but I am quite nervous about the next call coming from the PI. I need this information so I can make informed decisions, but I feel almost ill about what I think is coming.

I'm very curious about the ex-wife of Hot Pants last paramour. I'd love to hear what that wife has to say about HP's role in her marriage's failure. Maybe it was a different situation, maybe the marriage was done before the affair with HP....I'm very curious but reluctant to contact someone under these circumstances.

Don't do this. You really need to finesse this stuff, otherwise you run the risk of being prosecuted for extortion.

Okay, I haven't posted on here, but I've been reading along, and something suddenly struck me.

If exposure is likely to have no affect whatsoever on your H's career (in fact, he may get a few pats on the back from his fellow old boys) then why is he likely to give up everything in the case of a D just to keep the A from being exposed? Is he really going to give up the houses, the money, the dogs, etc. just to keep you from telling everyone about the A if he really has nothing to lose if you do tell? Maybe the OW has something to lose, but I'm not sure protecting her is going to be enough incentive for your H to give up everything he has worked all of his life to obtain.

Not exposing with the hope that your H will just hand over everything in the event of a D to keep you from exposing just doesn't seem like a very effective bargaining tool, especially since exposure apparently wouldn't cost him much.

He certainly didn't have any problem dumping her after 30 years... and saying I am sorry you are so unhappy..., why shouldn't she?

blessings

It may well affect his job. I realize there is speculation that it will not and I am no expert on academia, but I think there is a good possibility it will.
Also, LLL has alluded to his national reputation being tarnished, irrespective of the effect on his job.

If she is going to play this chip, she needs to hold it.