Wow Bingo, thanks for the encouragement. I pray and believe that my marriage will be/is stronger due to this incident. I will take all the advise given, I will rediscover what was nearly lost as well as bullet proof my marriage. By reading your post,what a way to start my day. Thank you Catperson as well. I'm not saying thank you because I was told what I wanted to hear. It's the opposite, I was even told some of the things that I may not have wanted to hear, but were truthful and needed. You all have made me face reality, this is the real world 2010. I will keep you posted on our progress!

Yes, I've come to the conclusion that I am stupid. This past Saturday I found the cell phone that she bought him in his underwear. Long story short, we had went to the store and I kept having this naggin feeling that something wasn't right. He sat in the car at first, then he got out and his pants was zipped down. I said to him, your pants are zipped down. So we left the store and got ready to get on the highway and something kept telling me to touch his groin area, I did and he jumped like he was scared. So I told him to lift up a little and I kept feeling until I felt the cell phone. He had just gotten it back from her, she left if for him outside of our office. He called her from a payphone and told her to leave it so they can talk. The affair right now is just emotional, they haven't seen each other, he hasn't been alone long enough to do that. He used a payphone at a store while we were in the store to tell her to leave the cell phone at the office. I've been on him like white on rice, no outside trips alone. Now in our home, it's a 4 bedroom house and pretty large so he has been sneaking away to call her for comfort. It's just the conversation with her that draws him to her. She listens and never disagrees with him so inturn he thinks she Miss goody twoshoe. I've been difficult since the affair took place so he finds peace with her. I called her and she states that she hasn't seen him and she dropped the phone off at the office because he is on lock down as she describes it. I told her she could have him and I told him to leave. He declares that he loves me and doesn't want to be with her. I told her to come get him and she refuses and said that she doesn't want him and had the nerve to encourage me to stay with him. We are still under the same roof, but I just need the guts to leave. His parents even gave him an ultimatum. They told him if he sees her again.....well I wont said what they said they would do, but it's pretty serious. So, I guess I am stupid for being in love with a man who has feelings for another woman and seems like he has to talk to her. This time instead of mailing her the cell phone back, I dropped it in water and threw it away. This is the second time she has left him a cell phone outside of his office. The first time was at her suggestion the second time was his idea. So what do you do when there is no sex, but an emotional attachement which in my opinion may be worse. I know I know, yall told me so. I thought things were going so well, I really did. Now he DECLARES he's done with her. Thing is, are you done because of what your parents said or are you done because you really want to be with me. I told his parents I would give it one last try, however, I don't know from one second to the next if I'm gonna stay with him. Now I don't even trust him in the bathroom alone. Yesterday I literally talked and yell at him all day, and that's not healthy. I am preparing myself for another surprise, I just cant shake the feeling that they are still talking some how. Her and I texted each other for 2 hours this morning. Her saying she can't explain how she feels about him and how we should "work it out". How hypocritical.

Hold on 26. Take a breath. This is not the time to make life changing decisions for you and your family. You cannot be expected to be thinking clearly at present and as such, please approach this a step at a time.
So, you've exposed the affair. I have read a great many threads about exposure and have my views but whatever they are, you, your husband, his parents and the OW know that you know. That may be good as everyone has then GOT to think about what they are doing and why.
It is not unrealistic that you cannot trust your H at present and everything he does will be looked on by you with a hightened sense of suspicion. All perfectly natural.
What you want is answers, and whether your H is being protective, secretive or just a liar is not apparent to you at present.
I can only tell you what I did as it is only my own experience that I can relay. I asked my wife (then girlfriend) about what she had been up to, but something in my gut told me that I had not been told the exact truth for whatever reason. I sat her down and stated that she had one opportunity to tell me her truth and then we could get past that point in our relationship and move on. At that point I had already booked a polygraph test for a couple of days beyond that point and at the end of our conversation stated that if that were the truth and absolutely the truth then she wouldn't mind putting my mind at rest by taking the test to prove it. That way, we could move on and have done and deal with the truth.
She agreed and the test proved that she was telling the truth ultimately.
The questions that were asked were:-
1. Did you at any stage wish for a sexual relationship with X.
2. Have there ever been any other A's in our relationship.
3. Have you lied about anything relating to the ONS in question.

Now, this is going to be different to your set of questions, but in essence you must in your head formulate what it is precisiely that you need to know and ask the questions. At that point if he refuses to confirm his "truth" you may well be looking at a liar. If he states that he is happy to spend 1/2 hour of his time ensuring that you know everything that you need to, then you may well be looking at someone that you can work through this with.
Truth is surley where trust starts and ends.
I am not at this point stating that once you have the truth that thsi will immediately go away and you will feel fine about the whole thing, you won't. You will still find yourself doubting what he says in the future, and if you read the threads here, there are many people who say that it takes 2 years or more before trust is rebuilt. That has certainly been the case for me. I have been told the truth, had it proved that it is the truth and not once, ever had reason to doubt it. That doesn't though make things dissapear, it just means that you have a central point to work from.
A great many people here state that gathering evidence is the way forward with keyloggers and the like. My view is that if you can get to the truth without getting yourself too wrapped up in the whole mess then surely that is less intrusive and less likely to push away your H.
Whatever happens, this will stop things dead in their tracks as your H will know for sure that he cannot lie anymore.
Forget the parents at the moment, this is about YOU and your absolute right to hear the truth.
Many people talk here about the fantasy of an affair and that it is a way of avoiding the reality fo your life. This seems to be what your H is doing. Running.
Calm down and gather yourself and ask the questions you need to know in a calm manor. I know that even though my partner found the whole polygraph test terrifying, she was determined to make sure I got the truth so that we could move on. That is the sign of a remorseful partner, and that is what you need at the moment.
Good Luck !!!

Hey CP... do you sell polygraph machines or supplies?

I'm driving myself crazy. I've been spieing on him like crazy. Even when he's in the bathroom taking a shower, I'm peeping under the door to make sure he isn't on the phone talking to her. I almost literally follow him around the house. This is not a great way to live. I can't let it go, I keep feeling like there is another cell phone somewhere in the house. I know this is really seperating us more then anything. But what do you do when you have NO trust whatsoever for your WH

What is WH doing to help you feel safe? There needs to be complete transparency. Did he write a NC letter? Did you expose to everyone? Do you have all his passwords? Do you have access to all the bills and phone bills?

Do you love him? Would you want this marriage to be saved if it can be?

Right now you have a chance. It doesnt matter if he stayed because of his parents...It matters if you and him are willing to do what it takes to fall in love again and save this marriage.

Where do I find the NC letter? Or what exactly is it? Do I have him draw one up himself. Yes I do want to keep my marriage, all 26 years of it. So much invested and this is the worst thing we've ever been through. I don't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I would like for him to send her a NC letter.

I have never actually written one so I posted for some help...meanwhile Ill see if I can find anything for you....

Okay, there is a section if you look under the list of forums at the top under announcements...then go into "notable posts" then "notable posts/thread"...if you look down the list there is a section called "sample No contact letters"...its just old but has some examples.

Also Fred has an example a few threads down "Help with NC letter, Please"


You should get the book "Surviving an affair" by Dr Harley...and start reading about recovery and Plan A, unfortunately I never got there so I am not very good at the recovery part...but if WH has agreed to NC and to work on the M...then maybe you should get him on here, or talk to Dr. Harley for counseling...just at least start reading, reading, reading about recovery and Plan A on here, K?

I agree that the renewed contact means you should expose.
Tell OW's H that they renewed contact.
I think H's parent know about renewed contact but if they don't, tell them too.
Find OW's parents and tell them.
Ask your H to write the NC letter and let YOU mail it.

Change all your phone numbers and have them unlisted -- cell, land, everything.
Get your WH to put a rule on his email that will forward anything from OW directly to you, or delete it so that he never sees it (NOT put it in the waste basket, but DELETE it).

Tell WH that you want to attend a MB weekend and that you expect his full active participation. There's a link to them at the bottom of the page. It's in red and it says "Seminars"

You need to read up on love busters and get rid of them. When you follow him around fussing and nagging and yelling you are practically throwing him out the door and into OW's arms. Yes, I know it is hard. I know you have a right to be angry. But you never have a right to lovebust.

Do your children know? Tell them, too.
Parents hate to look bad in the eyes of their children.

When you expose it is NOT for revenge. It is to solicit support of the marriage. Something along the lines of
"WH and OW are having an affair. I love him dearly and desire nothing more than to right the wrongs in our marriage so that it is stronger than ever before. This hurts like I have never been hurt before. Do you have any advice for me?"