Exposing won't probably lose his job for him, but officially he can't be patted on the back for it, and also, the fact that he's sleeping with a grad student who he assigns grades for and approves disseratation will not look good. Furthermore, it leaves H open to grievances filed by other students for unfair competition/advantage for fellowships, jobs, etc. There is a fairly closely monitored policy that profs not have as students in their classes/advisement persons their are married to, a relative of or otherwise personally attached to. This is the part of the ethics standards that might have the most impact. Also, using university or government grant funds to pay for trysts in hotels during "professional meetings" out of town would have further ramifications. He would not be such a successful procurer of federal and state grants if he's investigated for misuse of funds. One of the things the PI is looking into is a specific conference last November that H and HP attended where I found a receipt in a stack on his desk for dinner in his hotel room. I thought that odd, because he never eats dinner in his room....then I looked carefully at the hotel bill he has a copy of in his "professional travel" file, and found the hotel charges included dinner and an in room movie. So I went back and looked closer at the room service receipt and saw 2 wines, 2 dinner salads, two main courses and dessert. A business meeting with movie? I think not. And that trip was paid for with federal grant funds, including hotel, meals, etc.

Y'know, I may be wrong in this, because I'm too busy (lazy) to search for it now, but I recall on more than one occasion Dr. H. has been quoted here saying that if children are not involved, then he would NOT counsel that the M be R in the event of infidelity.

I would welcome ML or someone correcting me on this, if I'm wrong.

I would also point this out to his boss.

I agree. The university would be nuts to allow this to adversely impact the student. Despite her age, the disparity in power between the prof and student could lead to a suit.

Harley says if it is a short term marriage, and no children, then ending the relationship may be advisable.

I agree. The university would be nuts to allow this to adversely impact the student. Despite her age, the disparity in power between the prof and student could lead to a suit.

Whoops -- it wasn't PrincessM's plan it was Kayla's.
I think this plan ROCKS!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room, removed the window cornices, and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

LLL

I agree with your approach to this. I did so many things wrong, and most of the time they were things that were the result of a knee-jerk reaction. I let my emotions get the best of me.

As I said before, I wish that I would have acted sooner to secure my financial future. Had I done that, I would have been protected either way. I did not, and XWH took me to the cleaners. Big time. I just refused to believe that my H of 33+ years (at the time) would leave me - an educated (grad degree), successful woman with class - for a twice D'd, twice bankrupt, gambling addicted _____. I was obviously wrong on that.

And yes, I was one who wanted to recover my M from the very beginning because of the history (we went to kindergarten together), the years of M, we had one child, we had worked very hard to build our retirement future, had a nice house, etc. and I loved him. So there was no doubt in my mind that I did not want a D.

I fought.

Just as you stated earlier, I was one who fought and fought only to go through h3ll and end up D'd anyway. Sometimes I think that if I had it to do over again, I would kick his butt to the curb and forget it.

As I look back though, I am glad that I fought because I could be sitting here now regretful that I didn't try and wondering what might have been. I'm glad that I don't have to live with that thought. At this point, I feel like I am free to enter another chapter in my life with no regrets.

Whatever you decide, be prepared to do battle. The OW will probably not go away easily even if your WH decides to work on the M. And if you decide to D him, it could get ugly. OW love to win - they love to win the man AND the money.

I'm wondering how many of you knew exactly what you wanted, recovery or divorce, within two weeks of finding out about the biggest shock of your life? I'm not made that way. Many of you are saying slow down and make sure you decide what you want and others are saying blow up the affair without regard to how it might impact me should the marriage not be saved eventually. I'm getting the feeling some of you want to see what happens when I expose for just purient curiosity.

There is something particularly repulsive about these older geezers(like my age), dipping into the secretarial pool. It is pathetic and revolting.

Too funny Zelmo. I do always wonder though how these guys in their 50's can M the secretary and start another family at that age. It seems that the generation gap would be a big obstacle to having an intimate M.

It almost pains me to say this, but my father married his former secretary, a woman 18 years his junior, when he was in his sixties. He divorced my mother after 36 years of marriage.

They didn't start another family (thank God!). She was the poster child for "affairing down."

It works the other way too - why does any young woman want an older guy with a spare tire and all of the other middle aged issues that go with it? I'd say $$$$$, but I know a few who M older guys that are physically repulsive and broke.