LLL

�H's activities that he WOULD NOT like made public. This information can either be used to convince my H to drop the [censored] or it could be used to privately negotiate a financial agreement advantageous to me�

So you will take your WH if you can blackmail him to give up the OW. Rational thinking at it�s finest.

Your morals match WH�s. You can�t settle on one house you have to take both? You can afford to go out and buy any new car, yet you want to fight over cars. You make a good enough living you will not get alimony. You will let the OW cheat her way through college and into your profession.

Her lawyer has advised against her exposing. Typical lawyer response. He does not want this marriage to recover. There�s no billable hours in it for him. People forget lawyers are businessmen first. He serves his personal interests first.

This affair must not really bother you LLL because you will not doing anything to stop it. You refuse to expose it. When experience here on MB has shown that exposure is the way to go.

No one is saying that you must decide to recover or divorce. You should take six months to process what has happened.

You have nothing to gain letting the OW rut with your WH.

So what is it you want? You can't control the outcome. You can only be the messenger.

Marriage builders is great but it doesn't take ANY ACCOUNT of the financial aspect of a marriage. In this case, she needs to LOCK IN her wealth through divorce, and if she still wants a relationship w/ this clown AND he dumps the bimbo, then so be it. Just cuz your divorced doesnt mean you can't still have a deep relationship after everyone heals. Its just saying, "You are acting very wreckless, I'm securing my assets and my future first, then we can talk about trying to rebuild our relationship, less I find a hot pool boy first" DUDE

I disagree. Nothing immoral at all about maximizing her recovery as compensation for the assault that her H has committed against her.
There are consequences to hurting folks. Both civil and criminal law recognize this. The fact that she has some resources is irrelevant. Her damages are still incredible. She has been hurt beyond belief. This will affect her the rest of her life.
Her course of action depends on which route she wants to o, reconciliation or divorce. If it is divorce, use every tool in your aresnal to get restitution for this horrible attack on you.

I boughttwo sports cars w/ fwxw retirment money! DUDE

If they weren't Bugatti Veyrons, I think you came out short.

No Bugattis for Texans. Too complicated. Vikes kicked butt.

And can you drive both at once? So what it the point? Was it worth it? Really. Sounds like you are bragging over chewing the leftover grissle on the "onetime a family" bones. Gross

hehehe no kidding....pants on the ground.


LLL -- you're so much healthier and in a much stronger position than most betrayed wives. Take your time. Work from logic, not emotion. I admire your strength!

The cowboys looked HORRIBLE..I still can't believe it. Ok, Im a TEXANS fan now! DUDE

Wow, you must really be desperate. I see more Aeros stickers in Houston than Texans stickers.

Time to bring Lance Rentzel out of retirement.

Just because I choose to use information strategically and not blurt out everything I know doesn't mean I intend to just let them go on their merry way with no consequences. There are other ways to accomplish getting Hot Pants effectively out of our profession that will be just as deadly but keep me from getting sued for libel, slander or whatever. Other ways to let give the grant givers a heads up on misuse of funds. You don't have to use a sledge hammer to be deadly and effective. Sometimes a velvet hammer is better than a sledge hammer.

Also, yeh, call me vindictive. Why shouldn't I negotiate for everything I can get if I'm leaving. He should feel some consequences for his actions. He chose the route of lying, cheating , deception, mistreatment of me instead of facing me honestly and saying he wanted out. I'm probably walking and taking as much as I can get with me.....only fair for pain and suffering. And why should I leave anything extra for Hot Pants or the 2nd Mrs. Prof?

Lady,
You're very angry and rightfully so. He knows you know about the A but he hasn't left you yet. Let's do a hypothetical for a minute: Let's say the A is brought out into the open and the fantasy is shattered. Let's say he starts to realize his stupid behavior and wants to try to work with you on saving your M. What would you do then? Do you love him enough to want to try and save your M or are you so hurt you know you will not get beyond his A and even if OW dumps him you, want nothing to do with him?

Gg

Just caught up. LLL, you are doing just great. Get all the info you can. Knowledge is power!

Before the truth fully came out my H gave me the "We can just be friend" line also. I basically told him if he ends up with OW we will NEVER, EVER be friends again. I think when the BS approaches the WS from the position that he/she are not going to be a wimp it begins to deflate their fantasy. Like, "You mean you, me, and OW can't all be best buddies? You mean you won't be my friend if I keep boinking OW?"

Regarding whether your H has done this before, I can only tell you my experience. We had our ups and downs throughout our M, but were always able to work through things. When he was in his A he acted just like your H. My H was cold, critical, and also slept on his edge of the bed. I was planning on leaving him because I couldn't stand it anymore, which is why the truth began to emerge. I know it's difficult to hear this when you are so POed, but these As are nothing more than addictions. It's someone going to a party and deciding to try crack because they'd never get addicted. It's a slippery slope into an A. They start out casually, then the sharing starts, maybe an IM, a slightly more personal email, etc, etc, etc. It's oh so very common and boring. Pure La La Land! After my H dumped OW I could actually see him defog. His eyes were "Lyin Eyes" and they began to clear up. Unless you witness this it's hard to believe.

Recovery is not an easy road. You have every right to dump him or not. Just realize that there are a lot of WSs that actually were decent people who got really, really screwed up. And every day for at least 2 years I wasn't sure if I wanted my H. I wasn't ready to end the M but I took my ring off and didn't consider us Med for a long time. I also believe that the BS needs to raise the bar very high in recovery and if the FWS won't do what it takes to recover, Adios.

Frankly, I think you should do this only if you intend on not letting him come home, as it were.

Be vengeful all you like only if you intend on Ding him.

If you ask me today, I'm so angry and hurt that I don't think I want him back. Everyone here says not to make a rash decision based on anger. I'm waiting, partly because I want more info from PI, partly because I realize my mental state is not as rational as usual, and partly because attorney has asked me to be strategic in my plans and give it a little more time before I take definitive action.

I realize this allows the affair to continue. I also realize that if my H cared much for me he would have been more affected by discovery by me of his cheating. He has not asked to be forgiven, tried to bargain to keep Hot Pants as student while "working" on our marriage, done about everything typical of a person who wants to maintain the facade of marriage while carrying on with someone else. So, I feel like I'm the beard for his relationship with Hot Pants, and I hate it. Exposure would be a tremendous relief so these to hypocrits would hopefully lose their reputations and their work. However, as I've stated before, the academic environment will not yield an explosive result from exposure....it'll probably be more like "ho-hum.....what else is new?' Hot Pants will NOT be dealt with by university as they will do anything and everything to avoid a lawsuit....so they will let her scoot by with degree hoping she keeps her mouth shut and stays away from liability attorneys. She is the victim in their mentality.

Hot Pants and my H can be exposed eventually and they will never know what hit them.....I can be silent but deadly.

I believe you about academic environment. I read true story "Happens Every Day" written by actress married to professor who cheated and the academic environment didn't care and didn't do anything to help the BW. Your WH is an alien right now - he is wrapped up in the fantasy - he's not thinking of you or your M. Have you read the Newsletter Forum on when to call it quits?


Pepper's Carrot & Stick of Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296499#Post2296499

Plan A&B
Plan A & Plan B

Your WH is typical of a wayward.

It really sucks, and really hurts.

I wouldn't be dealing with the dean, though, when you expose. I would be going over his head, for sure!

Your anger is very normal, we just want to caution you about any decisions at this early date.

You sound strong and very together. This is great. I was a total mess and couldn't function. So you are doing great!

I'm so glad to see that you know you are worthy of the best! Whatever you decide you will have help from this board to get through it!

Best wishes, so far, so good! (((((LLL))))

I was wondering if the keylogger came up with any pertinent news.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Just thinking aloud here. Ladylonglegs, I admire you and as I said in my very first reply to you, feel somehow akin to you in your resolve and logical thinking.

What I don't find is any of the "dithering" -- for lack of a better word -- that many/most betrayed spouses exhibit here. When I first arrived, I was like you: That's it, we're DONE. Straight to the lawyer, got the agreement drawn up, even got her to sign it, and presto -- on the D track.

But I wasn't sure that's what I wanted. This was, after all, the woman I asked to marry me. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. That she all of a sudden pulled the plug on that sent me into a tailspin of confusion, doubt, hurt, anger and anguish.

I came here and poured my heart and soul out. I got a lot of good -- and sometimes conflicting -- information. But I found that my once firm resolve wasn't as firm as all that, and I entertained ideas of trying to rescue my marriage.

That's not where I am today, and I'm okay with that. But I gave every option a look-see and tried to work the MB principles as best I could under the circumstances. THAT is what gives me peace and satisfaction with where I am today.

And in case I haven't mentioned it, I'm still married, but in the "waiting period" mandated by the state. Unless some true miracle occurs between now and then, I will become a bachelor again by late April of this year.

My wife has moved out. She's taken all of her things (and a few of mine, but nothing irreplaceable) and all that remains is to return the car she's driving, which is mine.