These are all options, and I totally understand the righteous anger.

But if you want to save the marriage, you PROTECT her from your well-deserved anger. State your requirements for recovery, honor them, do not recover without them, but it's possible to recover from horrible abuses in an affair.

The line was crossed when she began her affair. She's trying to hurt you, get you to react, find some way to justify her behavior by your behavior. It's possible to recover -- even likely, if the OM dumps her -- but the environment in which that can happen won't exist if you Love-Bust her into oblivion.

Protect yourself from her abuse. Plan B if you must, Plan D if you have to, but don't allow her to bait you into making you the excuse for her bad behavior.

Ok, I'm w/ ya, but it still deserves the FINGER for saying it! DUDE

No, you do not move out.

On our "final day" (the day she moved her stuff out of the house), The Leopard resorted to all sorts of demeaning comments. Said she was going to tell "every woman in A.A." about my shortcomings, inadequacy, lack of size, etc. It was funny, actually.

I only responded that, since OM's prostate cancer surgery, at least I could still get it up...

You should have seen the look on her face. I couldn't tell if it was panic or some form of internal realization...

PLAN DJ(Divorce Judge) Order your meal (have it brought in a to go box to your table,arrange this while going to the bathroom) when it comes to the table tell her plan FU and to pick up her stuff at a certain time and you ll see here at the DJ.Then leave her with the bill. Order VERY WELL.

Just awesome. You are my MB hero, DONOMO.

PAT45 with your wife s job and her travles,if you could recover and forgive her would you want to have to relive wondering when she was going to find the best sex ever again. People with that screwed up of morals will do it again! they cant change enough to diserve you or your children

He is exactly right. It is an effort to bait you.

I had some additional thoughts regarding a dinner.

Don't bring up the past. Don't bring up the affair. Just enjoy yourself at the dinner, but clearly state your requirements for recovery:

1. That she never see or speak to the other man again for the rest of her life.
2. That she commit to complete Radical Honesty with you.
3. That she commit to a marital recovery program of your choice.

If you can get this across -- show her there really is a way back -- without engaging in Love Busters, you'll plant a seed or possibly even negotiate an end to the affair right there. If the other man is getting hostile toward her, you start to look much more attractive.

My thought is that she's experiencing very strong contrast effect right now... and you actually ARE looking more attractive to her. The conflict in her affair is causing her to question her judgment.

If you can negotiate an end to the affair over dinner, though, don't agree to take her back right away. Plan to date for a while longer, for her to show you that she means business with reconciliation.

I know it sounds like a long shot, but with her relationship with OM on the rocks, you never know what will lift the fog long enough for her to do the right thing.

You might want to throw in lifelong, periodic STD testing and her funding an account for both the testing and random polygraphs in the future as additional requirements. Just a thought.

Well, the plot thickens. I just got a response from the OM sister and she contacted him. He told her he was under the impression that a seperation was imminent and that is why he got involved. She told me that he said the message came through and he was removing himself from the situation. This was yesterday she sent it, so that may explain the blow-up today. I had shut down my Facebook account, but she must have known my password and re-activated it, that's how I got the message. What the F is going on. I cannot imagine that it would work that fast. Now what?

Patriot --

The balance of power has shifted to you. You were awesome.

Now she wants to get you "back on the farm" because she realizes that her lifestyle is about to change. She never meant to push you that far. Now she realizes that her big secret is out, everyone is looking at her, OM is in a frenzy, the affair is in shambles, and she is a traveling career woman who is about to lose her kids.

Nothing is pretty in her world. She needs to get you back in line taking care of the home front. She figured a truce would be nice.

I agree with the "not hungry" response.

Don't succumb to her manipulations. Stay in your power zone.
Right now you have the chance to lay down your conditions.

1. End the affair (in the textbook MB method...no contact letter approved and sent by you.)
2. Transparency (access to all passwords etc.)
3. MB counseling.
4. Open and Honest answers to everything you want to know.
5. Post nup.

Etc......what are YOUR conditions to continuing in this marriage?

And screw her "no conversation about affair" dinner. She doesn't get to make the rules....

NUCLEAR EXPOSURE IS AWESOME!!! Good job...Keep the power. She is gonna whine for you to please take her back. You set the conditions for her return w/ counseling w/ the Harley's etc. In about six months, she will defogg and break down into depression for what she has done to you and your family. Its up to you now. You have Man'd up and take control w/ the nuclear B SLAP! Feel good about yourself. Go have a beer or two and have a peaceful night. Don't talk to her. Let her sweat. Sleep well my friend..DUDE

...but avoiding conversation about the affair is good for Love Bank balances. Make it a date, make it pleasant. I wouldn't break out the long list of requirements, but definitely come to an understanding about the wonderful -- but difficult -- changes the two of you must make to your marriage if there is to be hope. If it were me, I would offer her the bread crumb that I know we share equal responsibility for the conditions that led to her affair and that I'm willing to work on my part if she's willing to work on hers.

Working to bring back a wayward is a dance of thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, and building a compatible, peaceful, satisfying relationship together. Go into interactions with the wayward with a plan, a goal, for every one. That plan is not to change the wayward, but to take control of the Love Bank balance for you in their hearts by acting in ways that reinforce that they should spend more time with you and care more about you.

What's your plan for dinner? Do you need to avoid it because your feelings are too raw to avoid Love Busters over dinner? Or could it be an opportunity to negotiate her return on the terms Dr. Harley recommends?

I totally agree with DONOMO

This thread went from OH BOY she is coming home Thursday night to PLAN B and PLAN D AND PLAN DUDE AND PLAN FU

PAT, my friend, no over-reaction. That she wants to sit down and experience your company could either mean, she is trying to gain the upper hand in the relationship again by putting you in your place (where ever that was before) OR to test the water and see you as you are now and what might be in store for her/you in the future.

And, come-on, give her a Plan B letter??? THEY LIVE TOGETHER! She TRAVELS and meets the OM, she doesn't LIVE with the low life.

Pat, this is all said thinking you want to rebuild the M and make it work if she is totally remorseful and wants it too.

If not, then do the plan D dealio.

imho

kirk

And then you wait till she does it again. Why wont she, she has her life there and her life at home,free reigns on what and where. How would you ever be able to trust her it only take a wink and a smile for some to pound at a moments notice! Now that she is on her way home she is smoothing up the home front untill the wind blows up her skirt again. This has been going on for how long in plain veiw? She will learn from this and hide it better in the future!!!!!!! she nows that you accepted it with no actions that cost her anything so the only thing she has learned is to hide better the next time.On her way home she is probally promissing the OM that she just needs alittle more time to end it with you

I think he will take her back. He seems like a nice, level-headed guy who loves his kids dearly. I will leave the thread now to the marriage builder peeps. I just didn't want him to get ran over by her. Good luck PAT45!!

DUDE

"No, NO PLAN B,ITS TIME FOR PLAN (D)UDE"

No,no, no, it's DUD(E) and he has just exposed. Time must be allowed for exposure to work. Also the remark by WW comparing SF is most likely said to get BH mad so he files for divorce so WW can say she did not end the marriage, BH did, he filed.

Yes, but it may not be true that they both shared equally in the conditions that led to the affair. I would not say this unless you sincerely believe it, after doing some ananlysis.
In many cases, the qualities that led a psouse to cheat are the same qualities that made them primarily responsible for the poor conditon of the marriage. many a BS has been beating his/her head against a wall for years tryong to address pre-A problems, to no avail.