My favorite quotes in these kinds of situations: "Hope for the best, but plan for the worst," and "Assume goodwill unless demonstrated otherwise".

I'll reiterate to come up with a plan for the interaction. A date is a great opportunity to have some undivided attention, deposit love units, and exploit contrast effect to your advantage even as the betrayed spouse. If you can just keep a tight hold on your demands, disrespect, and anger, it can be a transforming experience.

Just don't bring up the affair. Plan conversation topics that you know will interest her. Don't bring up the affair unless she does, and then remind her you wish to not discuss it unless she intends to separate herself permanently from the other man. Everything else is predicated on that, and if she agrees and follows through on that, you can follow the plan in the book "Surviving An Affair" to negotiate Extraordinary Precautions, live transparently, meet each other's needs, avoid love busters, etc.

Everything depends upon a willingness to separate from the other man. If she's willing, you're cooperative; if not, don't talk about it.

WOW, I got the big E, usually is DUD(e)...Thank for that TheRUG...DUDE

This isn't MarriageBuilding advice. Dr. Harley addresses how to rebuild trust in a relationship in his books and courses. If the marriage is rebuilt using the right principles, and extraordinary precautions are put in place to prevent recidivism with the current OM or any future ones, there's a very good chance this will have been the last affair.

She just called. Wanted to speak with the kids. I said they were outside and she said I'll call later and hung up. I have no idea what's happening. If he did like his sister said, it was before last night.

Agreed. Lets give the builders a chance. Pat45 can call in the DOGS(DUDES) if she turns out to really be a ho and he needs to know how to blow her world up!

DUDE

"WOW, I got the big E, usually is DUD(e)..."

No usually it's Dud(e).

If you eventually do try and recover your marriage, your WW is going to have to get a different job where she doesn't travel. She can never be trusted again to stay somewhere overnight without you around. I'm sure lots of travel contributed to her withdrawal. There simply isn't enough time together to spend 15 hours of undivided attention meeting each other's ENs, and there are no safeguards for protecting the marriage from outsiders.

Just some suggestions for possible discussion topics that are not related to the affair:
Tiger Woods and his future.
Elliot Spitzer's new job teaching college.
John Edward's insisitence on weraing a 70's style haircut.
Rudy Guilliani's term as mayor of New York.
Vikes thrashing of the Cowboys.

DOORMAT what you say is very true and I believe in the MB program. That said, it take someone that qualify s for the program NOT everyone fits. I think for her to put this in front of his nose and ***edit*** is just to low of a standard to start with the program. Has she always been this way I bet not or PAT45 would nt of married her. I would say that this isnt her first affair ***edit***

Oh, THANKS! TheRUG...Hope you aren't bald and/or wear a toupe!!!! hehe DUDE

QFT. Probably not the best topic to cover over dinner, but very true. In fact, the example of Jon & Sue in "Surviving An Affair" cover a similar problem, and Dr. Harley outlines several possible solutions that don't include quitting the job. But all of them include as much contact with one another as possible even if either spouse spends time away...

I disagree. If the couple scrupulously follows the rules of protection, time, care, and honesty, combined with exclusive needs-meeting, I believe any marriage can thrive.

That last one..You a$$...DUDE

I do not beleive it can work with a disordered spouse. Otherwise, it is fine.
As far as this particular woman's suitability, I agree , her comment about the "best sex ever" warrants some research into a personality disorder.

DOORMAT I will have to disagree some dont have what it take to follow the program. If only it was that easy to follow oaths and promises most would never be here because they would fix it themselfs or with each other with the help of ALL the resources available. DUDE said it the best if one follows there promise before god, the law and other we would nt have this problem

I love to be quoted..It makes my heart warm...DUDE

No it doesn't.
My H said the same thing.

As did mine (to a degree). But where mine differed was in other areas: multiple marriages, no regrets, no remorse, no empathy -- and that's just about leaving her kids...

patriot45

WW will have to amongst other things get a job without travel.

Do you suspect any previous affairs? Then maybe maybe a polygraph is in order?

She just called and she is still very pissed about the exposure thing. I don't know if he is still involved or not, I would assume so. I have about reached the end of my rope with this. I have no idea how people can spend months with waiting, or dealing with this. I am just not sure with everything else (spending and the insult) that I can move past. If I TRUELY thought she could change, maybe, but im not convinced. I know that she hasen't always been this person and I'm not sure it's worth waiting to find out. You're right about the personality disorder. All of us agree that this behavior is WAY out there. The spending and this. Also the fact that she is absent from the kids. What is also coming out is her resentment that I'm home. That's the kicker. I was the bread winner before we moved and I moved for her because she had such a good offer. Now, it's hard to find work and she makes comments about the income and how she has to work so hard to support the family. If she didn't spend it all on herself, we would be fine. I don't know. I'm tired of the fight and like I said I'm not sure it's worth it. All my freinds and family say divorce. I know what is said about a "fog" and all, but I think this is more than that. I think, even if this ends, there will be another, that she is constantly going to be looking for "more". I am 100% sure that in very short time, she will be sorry and wish this had never happened. Then it's to late. Maybe she needs to reach bottom before she can fix herself.