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#2302853 01/10/10 11:45 PM
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My spouse is demanding that I leave the military due to the fact that there is the "possibility" of infidelity. I have and never will cheat on him, but he is threating divorce if I don't get out. I am a reservist with 8 years... 12 more and I can retire. Not sure what to do? Thanks

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What's the rest of your story? There has to be more to it than just some vague fear of infidelity.

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He doesn't like me doing anything without him. I had to quit school because he complained so much about me "making myself accessable." Other issues are that anytime I don't answer my phone he gets upset. He constantly has to know where I am and what I am doing. Im getting claustrophobic!! I have no friends anymore because I have to make up excuses to why I can't go anywhere with them.

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Independent Behavior

Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make. So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.

I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.

My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.

Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.

A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.


here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: rtv
He doesn't like me doing anything without him. I had to quit school because he complained so much about me "making myself accessable." Other issues are that anytime I don't answer my phone he gets upset. He constantly has to know where I am and what I am doing. Im getting claustrophobic!! I have no friends anymore because I have to make up excuses to why I can't go anywhere with them.


ARe you doing everything in your power to accommodate him in these things? Complaints are an irritation in a bad marriage, but an opportunity for change in a good marriage. It is good that he is telling you what bothers him, because if he didn't, he would soon just fall out of love with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Quote:
Making me quit military


Also, he cannot "make" you quit the military if you are a grown woman. He is not your poppa daddy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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One thing to consider is that whether or not he has a controlling tendency, the rate of infidelity/divorce for those in the military is a justified, legitimate concern, backed by statistics.

What have you done, what efforts have you made to strengthen your marriage so that during deployment, his fears are assuaged and you will come back home with your marriage intact?

Have you made use of any programs your branch of the military has offered to families/couples in the military to strengthen your marriage? Have you addressed each others' needs that could arise during the deployments?


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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**edit**

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 01/22/10 08:30 AM. Reason: TOS
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catperson, I would just point out that this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS. The purpose of the forum is to learn about MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

Where in any of the MB literature does it indicate that "quitting military, quitting school, and giving up friends just to appease your spouse" is a "dangerous" pattern?

That is an absolute contradiction of Marriage Builders concepts as I know them. Can you cite your source for this "advice" on Marriage Builders?

I have been here for almost 10 years and have never seen any such thing. That sounds like your agenda, rather than that of Marriage Builders.'


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Nope. Not my agenda. MB does say that it will not work when abuse is present. I'm just suggesting the OP determine whether it is.

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Originally Posted By: catperson
Nope. Not my agenda. MB does say that it will not work when abuse is present. I'm just suggesting the OP determine whether it is.


No it doesn't say that. Nor is there any "abuse" here. I would like to see a citation in the MB material that indicates that quitting one's job and giving up friends is a "dangerous pattern." If that is not your own agenda, then where can this be found in MB material?

And where does it say that MB won't work when there is abuse present?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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She said:
He doesn't like me doing anything without him. I had to quit school because he complained so much about me "making myself accessable." Other issues are that anytime I don't answer my phone he gets upset. He constantly has to know where I am and what I am doing. Im getting claustrophobic!! I have no friends anymore because I have to make up excuses to why I can't go anywhere with them.

These are all quotes that could come out of an abuse book. They also could just be her being immature. We don't know, as her H is not here.

It's possible, like I said, that she is acting independently. It is just as possible that he is controlling her. That is why I suggested reading a book to SEE if he fits the type. If not, then she needs to revise her actions. If he does, she needs to set protective boundaries, because abusers will manipulate the MB program.

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catperson, again, nothing here indicates AT ALL that this is an "abusive" situation and that is entirely your own AGENDA that asserts that "MB won't work with abuse." That is nonsense and it is FALSE. It is misleading to tell newcomers that Marriage Builders won't work.

The marriage problems she describes here are EXACTLY what the Policy of Joint Agreement serves to resolve.

Please remember that this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS; this forum is for MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not your own agenda. Misleading newcomers about the help available here is not fair to newcomers and I believe should be reported to the moderators.

If you want to help people, then why not help them with MARRIAGE BUILDERS? That is what they are here for.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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**edit**

Last edited by MBsurvivor; 01/22/10 08:16 AM. Reason: TOS - misleading, false
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Originally Posted By: catperson
Whatever. If I cared more what you think I would take the time to find all the places HERE that I've read that MB is not to be used in cases of addiction or abuse, but I don't. I do want the poster to make sure she is in a safe situation and THEN implement MB.


Nonsense. You can't cite a single place where it says "MB won't work" in such situations. That is bullcrap. The POJA is the CURE for the very situation she describes. Since you label just about everything as "abuse" I guess it never works, huh?

I am offended that you have the hutzpah to come on a forum paid for by MB to mislead newcomers by telling them that "MB doesn't work." That is pretty nervy, cat.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Please help this newcomer with Marriage Builders concepts and keep posts productive and helpful. If you can't do that, then please refrain from posting.

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In the POJA (policy of joint agreement) there is a place where a couple can discuss their choices. It can be a place where arguments ensue. MB says that it can be a productive place and we all know that when we stop dealing with each others differances of opinion, we stop communicating. The point of POJA is to foster trust. Eventually if the lines of communication are opened and issues are dealt with we hope to not only come to agreement with each other, but to be enthusiastic about joint descisions.
In this situation it seem that she does't think H requests are fair. The MB materials and program is laid out to get the right kind of communication going so they can work out any issues and restore trust.
To the credit of Melody I would say that as members of this forum the first thing W and H needs to do is get the books and program and maybe counsel with The Doc H.
To the credit of Cat she is pointing out a very common concern women have when the H gets insecure and jealous. Us men become very insecure and can attempt to control our wifes. When the couple gets to the table with the MB program in hand and both are seriuos about what they are feeling, doing, and so-on, The book could be an eye-opener for them both. If the husband has no reason for his concern then he will need some help in his problem. Psycological studies can be very helpful in our own self examination but we have to be able to accept that the other partner has a bonafide concern. Being asked to stop progressing in our carreer is a bonefide concern.

Get the MB thing down first and by all means try to find out if and why husband is afraid that his wife is "out there" in the professional world. If MB concepts get mastered then it will be an easy transition for them. If H refuses to participate then she will need to fight for herself. Mel and Cat would be the last ppl to deny that.
Ill take that to the bank


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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How about lets try and help the poster learn about Marriage Builders before we label anyone an "abuser" and make false claims that "MB doesn't work?" The solution to a jealous and insecure spouse is to stop doing things to aggravate them, not to label them as "abusers."

That is not fair to newcomers to label their spouses, and it is CRIMINAL to mislead newcomers by telling them "MB doesn't work," not to mention very disrespectful of MB. The board is here for the purpose of HELPING newcomers, not to discourage them by telling them that "MB doesn't work."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree Mel.
Mb will work if both are willing to use it.
I think why the marriage gets blamed for ppls insecuritys is that they dont use these principals here.
Heck if we help each other like marriage is supposed to then there are many less insecurities.

Did I miss something where ppl said MB doesn't work? I for sure didn't say it. I apologize if I in any way implied it.

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No sorting, you didn't say that, but it was stated earlier in the thread that "MB doesn't work" in cases of abuse, which is nonsense.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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